Women with Too Many Past Sexual Partners!

[blind_otter]

For those who think it doesn't matter, answer this question: Why do the majority of relationships end after infidelity, even when the cheater comes crawling back? They could change, right? You wouldn't dare judge them based on that experience! After all, it was just another partner.

 

Of course I'm comparing past experience with present experience here, but why should that matter? People's actions are a direct reflection of who they are. Would you acquit a murder suspect before hearing the trial?

 

Inifdelity and promiscuity are two different things.

[Cobra_X30]

No, and I likely never will be because if I break up with a girl it's because of something about her character.

 

This is just insecurity and ego. I fail to see why a girl who has slept with someone else is settling for me. I wasn't settling for my last gf but yet I had several before her.

 

Yes... I think it is mostly insecurity and ego. Because you never truely know what others are thinking. Some of us can weather the storm and others lack the confidence.

 

Then again Tan, we have both been around the block once or twice. Put yourself in the shoes of someone who hasnt. I think there is an element of Jealousy there also... dont you think?

[tanbark813]

But that's still just a numbers game. Why would you judge her for one choice she made and not the other?

 

Because I don't feel sex is wrong. I do, however, strongly believe that infidelity is wrong.

 

Inifdelity and promiscuity are two different things.

 

Exactly (aside from the spelling ).

[Leoni]

To me you have to consider not only numbers but age as well it is a whole package deal..

 

To me :

A woman who is 18 years of age that has a number of 40 is way different that a woman who is 40 and has a number of 40.

 

I've never been a person who cares about numbers whether small or large.. and women I've dated ranged from me being number 2 all the way to me being number 25..but if the girl I was with had a HUGE number like 150 or 200 then I might consider that an issue...but who really knows..

 

I will say that since I have never had to deal with a woman that has had a HUGE number then I really truly can't say if it woul be an issue or not.

I can see where you're coming from and can respect that opinion, regardless of gender.

 

On the other hand, I can honestly say I've turned down dates from men who have promiscuous reputations. There's definitely an element of not wanting to put too much effort or investment into someone with a promiscuous past, since there's a higher risk of their promiscuous history, not being history at all.

[Leoni]

Inifdelity and promiscuity are two different things.

Not necessarily, although I do see what you're saying. Many times, infidelity and promiscuity are driven by a similar need for external validation.

[Saxis]

On the other hand, I can honestly say I've turned down dates from men who have promiscuous reputations. There's definitely an element of not wanting to put too much effort or investment into someone with a promiscuous past, since there's a higher risk of their promiscuous history, not being history at all.

 

That's exactly the point I've been trying to make. A person's past defines who they are today.

[allina]

Ok so Tan lets say you're on a 3rd date w/ a woman who you think is incredible, you can see this getting serious. She runs in to a couple guys she knows at the bar, she tells you that these are guys she slept with in the past. Wouldn't you be turned off? Even if you don't feel it's rational wouldn't it ruin the excitement about this girl?

[tanbark813]

Then again Tan, we have both been around the block once or twice. Put yourself in the shoes of someone who hasnt. I think there is an element of Jealousy there also... dont you think?

 

Sure, I can see that. There's no easy way around the issue if a person is jealous of their partner's partners. But again, that's an insecurity/self-esteem issue.

[Leoni]

That's exactly the point I've been trying to make. A person's past defines who they are today.

It's similar to the flaky or the jerk guy or girl. If you know of someone who's flaked out on or been a jerk to, multiple people in the past, will you date them, with the unrealistic hope that you'll be the one they don't flake out on or be a jerk to? Not the greatest calculated risk.

[blind_otter]

The next question to those that don't think numbers matters, is how much time do you want to put into every single person you date, to decide if promiscuity are validation issues or drive, jack rabbit issues? Many times, snap judgements are no different than negating someone because of their large number of partners.

 

The best con men and women are the ones that believe their own stories.

 

IME you can completely hide your personality for about 3 months, depending on the amount of face time spent with your partner. Admittedly I've had the worst judgement when it comes to men, but their jackass side reveals itself within about 3 months.

[Saxis]

I also think every person's opinion on this will vary depending on how many partners they've had themselves! If you have a high number, you won't like the criticism. Your "acceptable" number for a partner will most likely be relative.

[blind_otter]

That's exactly the point I've been trying to make. A person's past defines who they are today.

 

So, hypothetically speaking -- since I was promiscuous in the past, I will very likely return to those habits in the present and/or the future?

 

Obviously I disagree, but I'm interested in hearing your reasoning. I mean, you basically disprove a lot of what my therapists of the past and present have told me.

[allina]

That's exactly the point I've been trying to make. A person's past defines who they are today.

 

Right, so you can't really say "my past is my past" and ignore it because what you did in the past affects you NOW. I don't want someone with a shady past because I don't want to deal with all the crap that comes with it, and when you commit to someone their past can have an impact on you.

[Leoni]

IME you can completely hide your personality for about 3 months, depending on the amount of face time spent with your partner. Admittedly I've had the worst judgement when it comes to men, but their jackass side reveals itself within about 3 months.

This is where I don't want to put the three month effort into anyone, if I already know there's a big, red flag. Experience has taught me not to ignore these flags.

 

It doesn't mean there aren't people out there who have truly changed. I'm just prepared to take the smaller percentage risk of potentially overlooking a gem in the rough.

[tanbark813]

Ok so Tan lets say you're on a 3rd date w/ a woman who you think is incredible, you can see this getting serious. She runs in to a couple guys she knows at the bar, she tells you that these are guys she slept with in the past. Wouldn't you be turned off? Even if you don't feel it's rational wouldn't it ruin the excitement about this girl?

 

Based on that info alone? No. But I will say that her behavior towards the guys would come into play. If she just kind of pointed it out (although I don't see why someone would do that) then it wouldn't matter. It would matter, however, if she were flirty and touchy-feely with the guys. But again, that's about character not number of partners.

 

It's funny that you use this example, though, because there have been times when I've been at a regular karaoke bar and there have been a few girls there at the same time who I've slept with. If I were on a date and the girl somehow learned that info, I wouldn't want her to think differently of me mainly because whether or not the other girls happen to be at the bar that night has nothing to do with my character or who I am as a person.

[Saxis]

It's similar to the flaky or the jerk guy or girl. If you know of someone who's flaked out on or been a jerk to, multiple people in the past, will you date them, with the unrealistic hope that you'll be the one they don't flake out on or be a jerk to? Not the greatest calculated risk.

 

Exactly.

 

So, hypothetically speaking -- since I was promiscuous in the past, I will very likely return to those habits in the present and/or the future?

 

Obviously I disagree, but I'm interested in hearing your reasoning. I mean, you basically disprove a lot of what my therapists of the past and present have told me.

 

How many people do you know, besides yourself, that have sought therapy for promiscuous behavior? You've actively taken steps to prevent that.

[blind_otter]

This is where I don't want to put the three month effort into anyone, if I already know there's a big, red flag. Experience has taught me not to ignore these flags.

 

It doesn't mean there aren't people out there who have truly changed. I'm just prepared to take the smaller percentage risk of potentially overlooking a gem in the rough.

 

Well I think this depends on how old you are, too. If you're 21, a 3 month stint in a relationship ain't all that long.

[luvmy2ns]

Based on that info alone? No. But I will say that her behavior towards the guys would come into play. If she just kind of pointed it out (although I don't see why someone would do that) then it wouldn't matter. It would matter, however, if she were flirty and touchy-feely with the guys. But again, that's about character not number of partners.

 

Exactly! And this is what it should come down to.

 

And the situation brought up about someone flaking out or acting like a jerk? Stupid comparison. People who act like that don't care about someone else's feelings. HUGE difference, but obviously some can't see the forest for the trees.

[luvmy2ns]

I can tell you for certain that my man has had many past sexual partners, but I wouldn't expect to find a better more sincere, more thoughtful, caring, kind, and sexy man anywhere, no matter how long or how hard I looked, nor how much I compared "numbers."

 

Grow up, people.

[blind_otter]

How many people do you know, besides yourself, that have sought therapy for promiscuous behavior? You've actively taken steps to prevent that.

 

I didn't seek therapy for promiscuous behavior, Saxis. I sought therapy because I had rape trauma syndrome and PTSD, which was affecting my life in horrific ways - polysubstance abuse, self-mutilation, abusive relationships where I was hit, kicked, spit on, and debased. The promiscuity didn't even enter into my therapy sessions.

 

Getting to the point where I was no longer promiscuous was a happy side effect to getting the treatment that I desperately needed.

[allina]

 

It's funny that you use this example, though, because there have been times when I've been at a regular karaoke bar and there have been a few girls there at the same time who I've slept with. If I were on a date and the girl somehow learned that info, I wouldn't want her to think differently of me mainly because whether or not the other girls happen to be at the bar that night has nothing to do with my character or who I am as a person.

 

Well I used that example because I assumed that the above may be true Plus I thought you were a safe person to direct an example to, as in you wouldn't get angry or flip out.

 

As to the situation above I think a part of me would be bummed, like "oh blah, everyone has already had him" but it wouldn't be a deal breaker.

[luvmy2ns]

And faithful, I might add.

[Mustang Sally]

Are you saying that perhaps you would consider Wilt Chamberlain now that your a little older? But you would not consider him LTR material?

I'll say it for the second time today.

 

There are a lot of men I'd like to f*ck.

(Not that I will, mind you - being married and all.)

 

I also said, in that post, that I am not a big fan of excessive numbers of sexual partners. To me, it is a red flag of....well, something. You know what I mean? I think you do.

[tanbark813]

Well I used that example because I assumed that the above may be true Plus I thought you were a safe person to direct an example to, as in you wouldn't get angry or flip out.

 

I appreciate the vote of confidence.

[Leoni]

Well I think this depends on how old you are, too. If you're 21, a 3 month stint in a relationship ain't all that long.

I'm 33 but even at 21, 3 months was too long a time. You're already getting to know a person and gauging compatibility for a million other reasons. Why settle for someone who already displays a red flag from the get-go?

 

I forgot to mention that I agree with your 3 month estimate for most people but not all.