confused about you women....

[Dazza]

Please, someone explain, I have just done what I thought was a good and decent thing, and I get made out to be a bit of a prick!

 

To explain:

Met this girl, didn't know if I really liked her, but thought (as advised by you lot), nothing wrong with being friends, so I chatted with her every 4 or 5 days. Fairly indepth conversations, but nothing different from the norm, talked about past relationships, people, feelings yada yada...

 

Now I had only seen this girl once before, so I decided to call in and see her on Monday night, as I needed to decide if I want more than friendship or not. Over the period of the evening we got to talking about what we thought of each other, and what we wanted.

She said that she would like to have a relationship, but I said that I couldn't committ and didn't want a relationship at the moment.

I was under the impression that she understood where I was comming from as I had been totally honest with everything I told her.

As it was getting late, she asked me to stay the night, now I would normally jump at the oppertunity, but decided to be decent and said that if I stayed we would end up haveing sex, and it is not fair to mess her around. She then said that we wouldn't have sex, I said sure thing, you know how it goes we will.

Now I will add in here that at no time did she say lets have sex, but she said, stay the night, then come over 2morro night and we will have sex then.

To cut a long story a bit short, I gave her a kiss, and said that I have to go as it is not right.

 

She seemed happy enough, but then I hear from her the next day, and she gets pissed off with me, saying that I left because she didn't offer me sex that night.

Then in the same sentence she says that we would have ended up doing it so I should've stayed.

I replied by saying I knew we would have sex if I stayed, but I decided to do the right thing and leave as I don't have enough feelings for you.

 

She ended the conversation saying that she opened up to me, and that I have hurt her, that I must want to hurt people.

And here I was thinking that if we had sex I would have hurt her so I didn't, so as not to mess her around.

 

So out of all this I guess I should just get it when I can, because I hurt them if I have sex or not.

Perhaps she fell for me(she did mention that maybe she did without knowing it)that may explain why she is hurt.

 

All I am trying to do is be genuine, not lead anyone on, be honest and myself.

Perhaps because I am honest, myself and say what I feel, this is a bad thing. As girls become attracted to quickly, because they get to know me.

 

I'm just trying to do the right thing.......this is the second time I have hurt someone, the first time we had sex, this time no sex and still hurt them. Go figure?

What are your thoughts?

[quankanne]

keep being honest. She will get over what she perceives as "rejection" from you, and in the long run will appreciate the fact that you weren't all over her because you're a decent and respectful guy.

 

FYI -- women don't want to be treated like sex objects, but we do want to be made to feel like we're attractive. Contradictory, yes, but also very human.

[midori]

Your story is touching, and I can see how you were just trying to be decent and do the right thing. And yet, as a woman, I can see how this woman might have felt that you were toying with her.

 

You were trying to figure out whether or not you wanted to start something with her. So you must have felt that she was at least moderately attractive physically. And then you went over to her place and the two of you chatted, shared intimate details. .. basically got close. At which point you decided that you really didn't want anything with her.

 

OUCH! That's a major rejection. That's not the kind of thing that she can walk away from thinking, "well there just wasn't the right chemistry and I guess he didn't feel like there was any point in forcing things. Oh well." In her mind (at least), there WAS chemistry. You two were sharing things, trusting each other a bit, etc. And then you rejected her.

 

Going over to her place and hanging out for hours getting emotionally intimate definitely signaled that a) you liked her, b) you were comfortable with her, and c) you were interested in the details of her life.

 

You see what I mean? If you've already signaled your (possible) romantic interest in a person, the dynamic of the relationship is automatically different than if you two were just friendly and hanging out in a strictly platonic fashion. Whether you intended to or not, by coming over to her place and staying into the wee hours chatting about personal stuff gave her the impression that you were into her. It was kind of contradicting your statement about not wanting to get into a committed relationship.

 

She made an optimistic interpretation of your mixed message (and that's her fault). But you did kind of set up some expectations. She thought you were trying to be a gentleman because you valued her so much. But then the next day you told her your feelings for her just weren't enough to warrant starting anything with her.

 

You didn't lie. You weren't trying to lead her on. But perhaps you can see now that by creating intimacy between the two of you so that you could figure out what you wanted was actually a bit, well... thoughtless.

 

Next time you're not sure what you want with a woman that you might be attracted to, stick to cups of coffee in a diner or other innocuous exchanges that don't give the impression of a man who's definitely interested in her. "But how can I know whether or not I want something with a woman until I really get to know her?" you might ask. You can't. But to do the romantic equivalent of exploratory surgery -- go in deep, check things out a bit, and then duck back out in order to make your decision -- isn't really fair. Nor is it how you really get to know someone.

 

Don't sweat it too much. People get their feelings hurt when they're looking for love. Happens to all of us, and she's just got to deal with the fact that, despite talking to her for a couple of hours, you didn't see the things in her that make her wonderful and cool.

[Dazza]

Thanks for the replies, I can see your point Midori.

I guess it's all part of learning.

I am getting to know myself so well, it is great.

I think my lesson here is unless I am interested in a relationship then keep back. That way I don't hurt them.

I think my other problem is I don't like being rude and ignoring someone, so when they call or feel like a chat I chat away quite happily.

 

I will be more carefull and listen to my thoughts a lot more, they usually end up being spot on.

 

Thanks again for taking the time to respond, you both cleared up my confusion.

Daryl.

[clia]

I think she heard you say you donot want a relationship right now, but she thought she would be able to change your mind. Women do this all the time. A man specifically tells them what they want or don't want, and then the woman chooses to ignore it, and still thinks "Oh, he'll come around."

 

So then she thought if you had sex with her, you would change your mind and want to be with her, hence the invitation back to her place. She made an attempt to play the sex card in the hopes that it would sway how you felt. By not taking her up on it, you proved to her that you indeed were not interested, which ended up hurting her feelings, and she took it out on you.

 

True, her feelings were probably hurt, but I really don't see how you led her on--you went out on two dates with her, and talked to her on the phone approximately once a week. That is not a guy who seems hugely interested, at least in my opinion. It is perfectly within your right to take some time to decide whether or not you liked her! Just because you decided you didn't doesn't mean you are a bad person or did anything wrong. She simply did not hear what you were saying, or chose to ignore it, and came up with a plan that backfired. Now she wants you to feel guilty for not going back to her place and having sex with her? What kind of logic is that???

[PurpleAngel]

Hey Daryl

 

Sometimes with chicks ‘your damned if you do and damned if you don’t!’ I think the thing to remember here is that she just felt rejected. It would have been worse if you had slept with her and THEN rejected her TRUST ME. You did the right thing. This type of rejection is much easier for a girl to accept vs. rejection after sex cos then there has been a very physical and in some cases emotional link created. So my advise to you is not to stop having friendships with girls but rather do not over pass that physical line with chicks you are not interested in that way! I think its great that you are trying to find a happy medium in not trying to hurt women too much. Look I think it comes from maturity too. I know that if I had been in her shoes ones maybe I would have been offended too - depending on what I had wanted naturally but now I would be thanking you for showing me such respect!

 

Stay Cool!

(fellow Aussie)

Purplediva

[ThisGirlNameKD]

I don't think you've done anything wrong. Women have a tendency to read into things and assume things. You may not have wanted a romantic relationship with the girl, but even if a platonic friendship is budding, it's always good to let a person know at the beginning where you stand. Don't wait until you become emotional close to let a person know that you're not looking for a romantic relationship with them. If you do it at the beginning, and conduct yourself accordingly, that can help stop misunderstandings or mix messages.

[Dazza]

I'm glad you all replied, I feel quite good about myself, knowing that I was at least honest.

 

I did explain to this girl that if I was really interested I would have made a much bigger effort, y'know, flowers, dinner, phone calls etc.

So I figured that since I hadn't that I wasn't leading her on.

Maybe I just managed to open up something inside her, I seem to be good at that (I've never had dramas with meeting people)

 

She SMS'd me on the weekend asking how I was, perhaps she is feeling a bit guilty about her comments.

Unfortunatly for her she crossed the line.

 

Just on the side, perhaps the thing that pushed me away was her comments over the course of the night.

 

I am a volunteer firefighter and fought the fires in NE Victoria earlier this year, also went back with the 4WD Club I belong to and helped some of the farmers do fencing etc..

She made a coment that said "I do one thing every few years that matches makes up for what you do"

 

I asked her what (thinking that she must work with homeless kids etc) her answer was that she "donates a sum of money to the church (Greek orthadox) to help build more churches"

 

Now don't get me wrong, I am not religious, and I don't have an issue with religious people, but I just found it a bit "selfish" to think that she is better than other people because she donates money to a church.

I guess we all have to believe in something.......

I chose myself.

 

Anyway, thanks to you all, you all rock!

 

Now I gotta go and get some sleep, gotta head up bush tomorrow for a few days to a town with a population of 7 to install a new solar power system to ensure their phones will keep working over winter.

 

PS: It's bloody cold in Melbourne at the moment. 6 deg' C.