NTT148 Posted January 16, 2008 Share Posted January 16, 2008 Let's start by saying that the last 13-14 years have been absolute mental and psychological chaos. My mother is very controlling and manipulative. She has to know everything that is going on and if she doesn't, she will threaten you. She will hurt you with her words, very abusive psychologically/mentally, but i've learned to keep my spirit up even though all she does is put me down. I live at home right now, (18 years old), and im an only child with my parents, my dad works - mom doesn't work, but I wish she has over the years My mother and I have had a weird relationship. I am best friends with her, but I am best enemies. I know that is typical, but this is actually horrible. It has affected a relationship I was in and that has been put on hold b/c he told me "I need a supporting friendship right now more than I need a relationship." I think that is great and respect him for that. Surprisingly even though my self esteem has been impacted by this treatment over the last 13-14 years, i can still stay optimistic. My mother refuses to get help and I simply cannot go on like this. The current state things are in have impacted my intimate relationships, my spirituality, and any other aspect you can think of. It's to the point where I fear telling my mom things because she focuses on the negative. But, I also feel horrible if I don't tell her something b/c I feel like I will be hiding something/lying to her, and i always have this guilt with me for not telling her certain things. My dad seems to understand the situation. I have confided in him a small amount, but he told me yesterday not to confide him with anything about my mother anymore. I understand that concern, but that's one less person I can go to. When I talk to my mother it usually causes hell in my house. I have been nothing but the greatest daughter to her, and she still yells at me, it's like nothing i do can satisfy her, as if i don't deserve to be her daughter. Even whenever i do something RIGHT, it's not enough for her and she yells at me, hurts me with her words. I honestly don't know what to do anymore, im frustrated with all of this, and i don't want to live with this anymore, just recently, (i was a 90+ student in highschool, and am now in first year university), i told her my marks, and i try soooo incredibly hard studying, and they're average right now, and she became extremely upset, yelling "WHERE DO YOU THINK UR GONNA GET IN LIFE WITH MARKS LIKE THOSE?", and i told her she doesn't even know how hard it is, and she's basically stopped talking to me... whenever i try, she goes 'DONT', and im fed up with it, plz, i don't know what to do other than continue dealing with it, but i simply cannot take it anymore.... what should i do? Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted January 16, 2008 Share Posted January 16, 2008 whoa – that's a lot of crap to handle for just one kid, and at your age, too. look, you're gonna realize certain things as you get older, but I'll give you a headstart on family relationships: It's okay to dislike the behavior of someone you love or are supposed to love, and it's okay to stand up for yourself so that you're not belittled or abused or treated with anything less than respect when you've tried to reciprocate. Even when it's a parent. now's the time to decide what your bottom line is, what you will and will not tolerate and to put it out there for your mother to see. Remind her that you love her very much, and always will, but you will not accept shabby treatment from her, period. And follow through – sometimes you have to think of it like working with a small but naughty child who needs reinforcement to sway his behavior. Like ignoring the temper tantrums but praising positive behavior/action. It'll be a bit harder to do with an adult, but eventually they can be "reconditioned" in their treatment of you. if you are a member of a church community or have a counselor on campus you feel comfortable discussing things with, talk to them, share your feelings with them. LoveShack is also a fantastic supportive environment, but sometimes, only a face-to-face with someone is what you need most. that said, realize that some people will never ever be satisfied with the accomplishments you make, so it might be time to rethink who you want as your support audience. If mom gripes regardless, let dad or your other relatives be the ones to embrace you in happiness, and leave her out of the process. Or at least start turning a deaf ear to her negative responses, because she understands it's a way of controlling/hurting you for whatever she imagines bad about y'alls relationship. Pretty much, just start weaning yourself away from the need for feedback from her. I guarantee once you start doing that, you'll be less stressed about the crap she pulls because you're distancing yourself from the source of pain. hugs, quank Link to post Share on other sites
momma3179 Posted January 16, 2008 Share Posted January 16, 2008 That really is a lot of crap for someone so young to deal with. You do have options though... Is there any way you can move out? I know it is a scary thought but it may be the only way to learn how to regain your self-worth. I think maybe if you distance yourself from the situation, your mom may or may not realize and accept that she has the problem. Maybe she will and maybe she won't, but you won't have to feel like you are the problem if you aren't there to prove that to your mom. Your dad feels in the middle and doesn't want to be, as he loves you both. I don't think he realizes, as most dads don't, how a mother/daughter relationship can be in the best of situations and also the worst of situations. Main point is you do not have to put up with it. Just admitting she mentally abuses you and asking for help is a great start for you. I wish I had other ideas for you but it seems like she is one-sided and always right in her mind. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted January 16, 2008 Share Posted January 16, 2008 She sounds very bitchy and unhappy. Unfortunately those things have a way of spilling over to anyone near-by. Sadly that person is you. It sounds like she wants you to achieve good grades so she can brag about them. She wants it for her rather than for you. She sounds like she's living her life through you. That's sad. It is sad she doesn't have enough of a life of her own. Try to be a little sympathetic there if you can. Not to say you should accept her treatment of you but try to at least understand it's her deficiency. She has a problem. Also remember it is your life. She gave it to you but it's yours to live. Accomplish things for you. Try to stop letting her opinion of your accomplishments matter to you. You should be very proud of the hard work you're putting in. Some people are just toxic to us because they are full of poison themselves. The best we can do is detach ourselves emotionally from them. I'm sorry that you are going through this. Link to post Share on other sites
Nevermind Posted January 16, 2008 Share Posted January 16, 2008 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t141537/ I just copied my answer here, although I am sure that you're not going to read it. You give different ages, and through the posts (in several years) different sexes. You never really answered to any of your threads, as far as I can see, so I am guessing you're just a troll on a stroll. Give more information. For example, how old are you really? 17? 18? It's really surprising to me to see someone be so unaware of their own age. What do you do that makes you the best possible daughter ever? Could you describe a situation in detail, when you were doing something right and she yelled at you? Can't really see the picture here. Are you bisexual? Because you're talking about a "he" here and about a "she" in another thread. And reading a little further, you referred to yourself as a boyfriend. Troll? Maybe your mother is not feeling so good about the sudden sex change and can't express her insecurity? Link to post Share on other sites
Green Posted January 16, 2008 Share Posted January 16, 2008 might be time to move out and get your own place. Remember you can still love your mother and hate her at the same time Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted January 16, 2008 Share Posted January 16, 2008 (edited) http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t141537/ I am guessing you're just a troll on a stroll. I think you may be right! Edited January 16, 2008 by amaysngrace Link to post Share on other sites
Author NTT148 Posted January 18, 2008 Author Share Posted January 18, 2008 No.... my friend (guy) uses this site, and i asked him for a place where i can ask for advice, and so, he gave me this one and told me to just use his account, and yeah im 18... not 17... which is why i repost it... and if there are any other mistakes it was because i was very sleepy, soooo many biology articles to read... Link to post Share on other sites
cicada Posted January 20, 2008 Share Posted January 20, 2008 My advice would be to try to detach emotionally for now . It sounds wierd but just think of her as a neighbor . the reason she affects you so much is that she continuously hurts your feelings and you want her to admit to it , and apologize but i can almost guarentee she wont . Focus on your education and such to get yourself moved out of her home. just be respectfull to your mom , i am sure you are anyway but just remember that and stay out of her way . I know that sometimes when you withdraw people will do the oposite. she probobly has some deep pain or anger that makes her do that. like i said focus on yourself and moving out. that does not mean you dont love your mom , i can see you definitly do. keep your chin up. Link to post Share on other sites
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