Mr. J Posted June 18, 2003 Share Posted June 18, 2003 Hello everyone, I’m looking for a fresh perspective. I do hate writing this only because I feel like I’m a pretty strong person and that this makes me feel as if I’m not. What I’ve been doing isn’t working. Here’s my story (short version). I’m married (about 6 years), 35yrs old, college educated, was married for 2 years prior to current marriage, have a good job, make good money, have a nice house…etc. Sounds pretty good on the screen but here’s the situation. My wife, has two children whom I am very close with, from a previous relationship. She is a good mother and household manager. I would categorize her as a somewhat obsessive but not compulsive. She is an attractive lady who takes good care of herself. We share many similar beliefs and philosophies. Still sounds pretty good – still. Here is my problem, over the years she has become very emotionally unavailable towards me. We have a inside joke that our relationship is “business as usual”, which pokes fun at the fact that there is no time for each other any more. We used to be very sexual and intimate with each other. Now, it seems like intimacy is a thing of the past and something we shared only in our earlier years. I have tried to be patient and understanding with her throughout these changes but things only seem to get worse and my frustration only grows. I am the type of person that needs the intimacy in order for the rest of the relationship to click. It is somewhat like a barrier to my feelings and emotions when this intimacy is non-existent. I have tried many forms of communication and special treatment to try to get her in the mood, but only with unsuccessful results. I feel like I am a very understanding person, but now I am beginning to loose my patience. I am very worried that my relationship is on a downward spiral and headed for destruction. Does any one see something I’m not seeing? Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
NEONINK Posted June 18, 2003 Share Posted June 18, 2003 It takes effort. Long term intimacy doesn't just happen, we have to make it happen. That means getting sitters and having dates. Sending the kids to grandparents while you go on second honeymoons. Putting the responsibilities aside for just an evening and being loving again. Changing a routine or rut, if for only an evening. Doing the unexpected thing. Driving with the windows down or running outside in the rain. Anything to bring a spark back. A guy that wants these things are definitely gems! Usually it is the women crying for more intimacy. Also, I would suggest each night before you go to bed, read a relationship book outloud to each other. If the Buddha Married, A Return to Love, etc... There are many available. Then talk about it. Just read small sections at a time. Lock the bedroom door and bring in the wine. Take the entire family on picnics and hikes. Don't plan the outcome, just plan the event and let everything flow. And you can always rent a sexy movie. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mr. J Posted June 18, 2003 Author Share Posted June 18, 2003 Thanks Neonink, I appreciate your optimistic view. I too am optimistic, but my situation is more complex than just trying to rekindle the spark. I have tried different approaches to doing this, like just talking or writing letters via e-mail or just having good times out to dinner, social events with no expectations. I have tried to talk openly and express frustration and find solutions or compromise. Every time I try it yields no results. I will go for a month of just being her friend, not pushing things, letting the events just flow. Unfortunately she keeps the relationship on a business level. She does not allow herself to be intimate. I am not trying to be pessimistic here. Maybe I should just give her as much space as she wants and wait for her to respond back to me - someday? Mr. J Link to post Share on other sites
NEONINK Posted June 18, 2003 Share Posted June 18, 2003 Can you get her on a vacation without the kids? I know I become a whole different person when I'm away from the daily grind. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted June 18, 2003 Share Posted June 18, 2003 I've posted this many times before, and I'll do so again: seriously consider a Marriage Encounter weekend offered through your local Catholic church. Basically, it's an intense weekend where you and other couples learn to reconnect with your mate by teaching you how to communicate. It's pretty intense because the focus is on your relationship -- there's just enough time to eat meals and sleep, no TV time, no distractions, etc. My husband has admitted to people that it's the best thing we've ever done for our marriage and he was initially against going because we didn't "need to be worked on"! If, as you mention, things are business as usual with your wife, maybe it's time to consider something where the focus is on the two of you and nothing else. quank Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted June 18, 2003 Share Posted June 18, 2003 here's the link for Worldwide Marriage Encounter: http://www.wwme.org/ Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mr. J Posted June 18, 2003 Author Share Posted June 18, 2003 Neonink & Quankanne, That is useful information. We have been discussing taking a trip together, with out the kids for a change. It has been since our honeymoon that we took an exclusive vacation together. I am very interested in the WMEE program. I come from a Mormon upraising and my wife was Catholic. Although we don't go to church, we are no strangers to religion. Is the program a one time event or are there additional encounters? Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted June 18, 2003 Share Posted June 18, 2003 you can go more than once, but I guarantee, the initial encounter will give you lots of material and "tools" to work with! We did meet a Baptist couple on our weekend who said that was their second encounter in about 8 years, and considered it a treat to themselves. My husband and I have talked about going again a couple of years down the road, also as a treat to ourselves ... If you've looked at the site, you'll see that sites are available by listing the state you're from. Incidentally, you don't have to be Catholic to attend, though the weekend ends with celebration of Mass. Link to post Share on other sites
Carly Posted June 18, 2003 Share Posted June 18, 2003 Does your wife have close friends at all? Would you describe her as a loner? Is she happier to be by herself than with others? If yes, then she could have "avoidant personality" traits. You will see lots of information on this if you do an internet search. Sometimes depression is what stops people from enjoying others and aprpeciating closeness. If she is depressed then she simply won't respond to your bids to closeness -- no matter how hard you may be trying and no matter how wonderful your attempts may be to get close. How is your wife with the kids? Does she connect with them on a close level? When she sees the kids in the morning or at the end of the day does she greet them with a smile? Is she genuinely concerned and interested in their lives? What I am trying to get at is whether your wife has a larger problem than just being unavailable to you. On the other hand, if your wife has no problems getting close with other people -- er, except for with you, that is - - then sorry Charlie but I think that you have a problem with the marriage. Professional help may be in order for you, your wife, or both. You are doing the right thing by trying to reach out for help. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mr. J Posted June 19, 2003 Author Share Posted June 19, 2003 Carly, Does your wife have close friends at all? Would you describe her as a loner? Is she happier to be by herself than with others? Yes, she does. However she is not a social butterfly, she is comfortable keeping space between herself and her freinds. She is not the kind of person to get caught up in their day to day lives' drama. I would not see her as a loner at all. How is your wife with the kids? Does she connect with them on a close level? When she sees the kids in the morning or at the end of the day does she greet them with a smile? Is she genuinely concerned and interested in their lives? She is a great mom, her life revolves around them. She has had to overcome a lot of tough odds in her life and the children have been a very major focal point of her life. As for the kids, they love her dearly and have a very close and open relationship together. They are truly great children, I am very lucky to have them for stepchildren, my relationship with them is also very good. As for the larger problem theory... I don't think she has a problem with depression. I do think she has lost the ability to take time out in her life for the "simple pleasures". I also can not seem to communicate with her very well any more. I guess what bugs me is she wont open up and just talk about "us", things like her wants, needs, and desires. This makes it very difficult, because I have to resort to being a mind reader to know how she is doing inside. And, when it comes to trying to share intimacy, it's "hit and miss". Thanks for your insight! Link to post Share on other sites
queenpamrules Posted June 19, 2003 Share Posted June 19, 2003 MR J., maybe your wife has just lost her feeling for everything do to a "medical reason". that she ,herself is unaware of. i know one of my friends went through the same thing. she said she loved her husband but, just didnt feel the need for as she said for "all the other crap" which put the hurts on her marriage. maybe as my friend did , she should speak to her doctor. perhaps she is just over whelmed with "the kids" ,"the house" and feels "this is the way it is". i wish you the best of luck! Link to post Share on other sites
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