Just dont know with myself

[LaDiva]

Good Morning Everyone:

 

It has been such a very long time since I've posted... but here goes. So! I've been dating a very seemingly nice guy since Labor Day. The circumstances under which we met, were very different from how I meet most of the men I date. I meet most of the men I've dated in clubs or at bars- you know after I'm all glamoured up and stuff. I met my guy at IHOP wearing sweats and a ponytail. Anyhoo... we hit it off... his family likes me, and he's older, so I figure, he's a man that knows what he wants - not to mention that my friend has known him for a long time. So I have confirmed he's good people.

 

When we first started dating, because of the crummy relationship I had previously been ensconced in, I had suspicions about his every movement. And my friends, therapist, and parents all advised me that if I didn't stop with my insecurities and mini-paranoias that I was going to lose this really nice guy. So I stopped.

 

For Christmas... he bought me a promise ring and a pair of diamond encrusted earrings and he told me that he never bought anything for a woman before in his life, which other people in his family verified.

 

Now, two weeks later, his brother (a - lil background on the brother - he is a little devil himself - he has been married to his wife for 13 years and has been having affairs with numerous women throughout his marriage, not only that... he has a daughter... that his wife doesn't even know about, and maintains a relationship with the daughter's mother still to this day as if he was married to her as well - a mistress if you will), yes, his brother tells, me that my BOYFRIEND is not who I think he is 6 MONTHS into our relationship, that he is a dog and has been sporadically seeing another woman, who I am told is hideous and Peruvian... but that's neither here or there.

 

My subconscious wants to believe this because of what I have been exposed to in my past... that 1 in 4 men cheat and I always seem to end up with the odd numbers.

 

I want to say that I have 3 options... but I don't like anyone of them.... one is to tell my boyfriend that his brother just handed me a bag of sh** so to speak. But he will probably just deny it. The second option is to play Dick Tracy and catch him in the act, but I feel that my time is way too valuable. And the last option is to leave. But I feel like I won't have closure you know.

 

Can you please advise me on what you would do in a situation such as this?

 

 

Thank you all.

Edited January 16, 2008 by LaDiva

[Bryanp]

I would select option one. You know his brother is scum. My guess is that he is jealous of your relationship with his brother. I would tell your boyfriend.

[ElvenPriestess]

Ok, really think about this. Your friend likes him. His family likes you. He was generous at Christmas. His family has verified anything he's ever said.

 

The brother: Cheating on his wife of thirteen years. Has daughter the wife doesn't know about, stays in contact with the kid's mom. Unfaithful, deceptive, lying snake.

 

Now if you really look at these two profiles, who would you trust? Chances are his brother wants to sew seeds of doubt to you as he wants his brother to be more like him. S88t heads love company right?

 

Now as far as what I think you should do? Go to your b/f, who is the one person you should be able to go to, and don't accuse him of anything, just explain the exact conversation you and the brother had. Tell him you're not putting any stock in what he said, just that you needed to get it off your chest and it bothered you to hear his own brother say such things.

 

This is called communication, non-aggressive, open, honest communication. If you bury it, it isn't fair to you or your b/f. If you think you have to sneak around and spy on him, not only are you giving faith to the word of a snake, but also it shows you don't trust some one who has given you no reason to doubt him.

 

I have this problem too, or at least I have before, taking my past b/f's behavior out on the current. But just realize it's not their fault. Don't condemn some one for the acts of others. Go to your b/f, talk to him. Be open. Be trustworthy too. You already know this brother's background, so I wouldn't worry about it being true. I'd just tell your b/f you don't care to hear him talk like that. Good luck to you.

[LaDiva]

I would select option one. You know his brother is scum. My guess is that he is jealous of your relationship with his brother. I would tell your boyfriend.

Thank you for your responses... the only thing I have to say to that is that, he rents his apartment from his brother and the brother's wife...

 

I don't want to cause problems for his living situations/ and or between his family!

[Bryanp]

Your boyfriend needs to know what is being said about him.

You either have an open and honest relationship with him or not. You need to tell him.

[mental_traveller]

Hmm, tricky situation. With the brother's background, you basically cannot trust anything he says. Did you ask the brother for some proof? That is what I would do - I'd say where's the evidence of this other woman? And say until you get shown evidence, then it is just idle gossip as far as you are concerned.

 

Then the brother either has to back it up, or admit that he can't. That way, the brother becomes your private detective, if your guy is in fact cheating. If the brother can't produce anything (most likely), then you know he is lying, in which case you can continue the relationship as before.

 

Breaking off because of what the brother says would be utterly ridiculous. If you do that, you are effectively saying that confirmed liars can end all your relationships in future just by making something up. C'mon, are you really that pathetic?

 

It's a good approach in life in general. Whenever someone says something bad about a person, you should always say "Oh, and can you prove that?" - if they can't, then it's just more BS gossip really.

[LaDiva]

Once again... I want to thank everyone who took the time out to respond... I DEFINITELY took some time away from the situation to cool down (I get major anxiety about things like this) and realized exactly what you guys were saying... either the brother is trying to play me stupid, so that he can get into my pants at a later date, or its a competition thing between them. So far... my BF has been really great and I had no qualms... so you guys are right. Why rely on the hearsay of some two-bit prick who can't keep his *gift* in his pants? Whatever is done in the darkness will eventually be shown in the light, so if this is true - which I don't feel that it is. (Update- I pulled a stunt - I called a cab and went to my bf's house unannounced - waited 10 minutes ...called him, and asked him what he was doing ... he didn't sound too happy to hear from me - So I JUST KNEW my suspicions were right on target right? I said what are you doing? He said "Nothing, just hanging out." I said "I'm thinking about coming over." -as I'm sitting in front of his house in the cab. He says "Are you sure, I mean, I can't give you a ride or anything in the morning." "I'm like why all the hesistation? Open the door, I'm outside." )

 

I felt so sure I was going to catch him in something lewd, because of what his bozo brother said... it turns out he's being distant because of his son's tuition bill, and his mother's upcoming surgery. So... some sort of girlfriend I am!

 

I am on the straight and narrow! No more listening to others when they are obviously jealous of the bond that my boyfriend and I possess. That just makes me as much as a loser as the person telling me the trash.

[swordfish01]

I would tell my sig other about it. I mean if it is an attempt to sabotage something great or if he just wants his bro back on the market so he can have a running partner. Either way I think your man should know.