tgknewsome Posted January 16, 2008 Share Posted January 16, 2008 I'm looking for help suggestions. My wife and I have been friends with a couple close to the city we moved to about 2 years ago. The woman, "Sara", has become my wife's best friend. We both love Sara to death for many reasons, including our kids and many, many other things she helps out with. Sara has been having marriage issues with her husband before we arrived, but they are workign on them to this day. She is a stay at home Mom, as her husband is often gone throughout the week at his job, so she takes on quite a bit (my wife and I both have full time jobs). Anyway, long story short, Sara often times will come over on a Friday or Saturday, to get time for herself and allow her husband to spend time with their two children. When she does, we usually all just hang out and talk and watch tv and what not. Well, about a month ago, my wife invited Sara to come over to "get away" from it all, and we hung out laughing and talking and having a few drinks (nothing crazy). As usual, we have Sara stay over if she has had a few drinks, but this time, since she doesn't drink often, she ending up throwing up and passed out in our bed. Not a big deal. My wife suggested to just move her over and we could still sleep in our bed (its a king size so plenty of room and I didn't think anythign of it). Well, I was a little uncomfortable, as the night went on so I went to go sleep on the couch. After beign out there for about 10 minutes, I went back towards the room to get my pillow and as I approached the door I could hear noises come from inside. I pushed the door open quietly, only to find Sara completely naked on top of my wife, straddling her, and grinding away on her. I also saw my wifes hands around Sara's waist and backside, and both were moaning/groaning. I shut the door because I was in shock and didn't know what to do. I hadn't said anything, hoping my wife would talk to me about it, but she hasn't. So, recently I've started dropping hints and even askign her if there is anything she wanted to talk to me about that night. But her response has just been "no, why? nothing happened", very defensively of course. i don't want to push the subject, but at the same time I know we need to talk about it and what happened. I dont' know if this has happened before, if this was the first time, etc. It's eating away at me, to not know why. Is it because Sara gives her somethign I don't emotionally, was it curiousity, is/has she fallen out of love with me? Any help or suggestions would be appreciated, because i dont' want this to go further as I think I may just blurt it out and cause her reaction to be a defensive one instead of just talking about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Lyssa Posted January 16, 2008 Share Posted January 16, 2008 Is it because Sara gives her somethign I don't emotionally, was it curiousity, is/has she fallen out of love with me? Any help or suggestions would be appreciated, because i dont' want this to go further as I think I may just blurt it out and cause her reaction to be a defensive one instead of just talking about it. I am so sorry this happened to you. It must have been a shock to you. It could be curiosity. I can't think of anything else as I have been curious at to how it'd be like to be with another woman sexually but it was more of a fantasy that I don't think I would act out if given a chance. I can't give you any advice as I have never been in a situation like this before (caught an X with his pants down once but that's kinda diff) but I am very sure that pretty soon there will be the good people of LS replying to your thread with more insights/advice. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedMM Posted January 16, 2008 Share Posted January 16, 2008 10 minutes, huh? And she was drunk , barfed up, and passed out? Something don't add up here. But, if your wife is cheating, don't expect anything like the truth anytime soon, unless you just outright tell her what(if anything) you saw. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted January 16, 2008 Share Posted January 16, 2008 Agreed...I would just tell her what I saw and go from there. Link to post Share on other sites
StillSame Posted January 16, 2008 Share Posted January 16, 2008 If seems that it was not the first time and they are probably done it and will do it again when your W is at her place. First thing first. You need to first inform her husband (without telling your W because she will stop you). This is not going to be easy and you would want to know if you were in his shoes, wouldn't you? Once you do that, you confront your wife and demand that their "friendship" ends and no contact for life. If she value the "frienship" more and refuse to have no contact with the OW, you'll then decide whether you want to contintue win her back/ work on the marriage or seek divorce. Get into counseling (especially your W) whatever you choose to do. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 16, 2008 Share Posted January 16, 2008 After beign out there for about 10 minutes, I went back towards the room to get my pillow and as I approached the door I could hear noises come from inside. I pushed the door open quietly, only to find Sara completely naked on top of my wife, straddling her, and grinding away on her. I also saw my wifes hands around Sara's waist and backside, and both were moaning/groaning I know you were in shock, but I'm shocked you didn't say GET THE F OFF MY WIFE!!!!! Tell your wife that you walked in on them and that friend is no longer allowed to come over. Whatever friendship you two had with that couple is gone for good because of what happened. Talk to your wife, go to counselling with her and hopefully together (for the sake of the kids, you two owe it to them, let alone your marriage vows and to eachother, to give it your best to make your marriage work) things will get better. Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted January 16, 2008 Share Posted January 16, 2008 And you walked away that night? I would be joining in! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 16, 2008 Share Posted January 16, 2008 I was waiting for one the boys to perk up and say that... It's still cheating... Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedMM Posted January 16, 2008 Share Posted January 16, 2008 Am I the only one seeing inconsistencies in this? I don't mean any harm, but I'm really doubting this whole story. Link to post Share on other sites
cj1988 Posted January 16, 2008 Share Posted January 16, 2008 I am not sure if this is true or not, but it does happen. When my H and I seperated (not married yet) I slpet with a girl frirend of mine. I was honest enought to tell my H when we got back together 4 months later and he was mad as h--- ! He said that it was cheating.....we were NOT together, so I do not consider it cheating....anyway, I have been with one other woman before a long time ago before REAL life started. I did it out of curiosity at first and the second, because it is fun and I was SINGLE. It is very emotional on one level, but not like you might think. Women kiss/touch different, smell different, less hair (HAHA) and move different when you are use to being with a man. They are more gentle and loving in bed. I prefer men by all means, but am glad I was able to experience this before I MARRIED..... You should tell her what you saw and be prepared for her to lie and tell you are crazy and or you were drunk. But, it is cheating ! Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted January 16, 2008 Share Posted January 16, 2008 This whole post makes me sad. I would have defintely busted in on them so they couldnt lie about it. Kicked her dumb ass friend and the trifling ass wife out and exposed to everyone! Filed for divorce the same week! Cheating is bad with a man, but when it's with an OW???!!?! That's too much!!! more painful and more emotional bull**** you might not be able to come back from? My question to the original poster is not get your wife to tell the truth, I dont think this is a one time thing. Tell the Friends' husband I bet the friend is lying about the real reason she got kicked out!!!! What a betrayal!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted January 16, 2008 Share Posted January 16, 2008 If another man was screwing your wife would you have quietly shut the door and not have said anything? I do not believe this post is real. If by a strange chance it is that you are unbelievable. You walk away while your wife is having sex with another woman. She is cheating on you and you walk without saying anything? How could you not have thrown her off? You still have not come out and said anything and told your wife what you saw? Unbelievable. Again if this post is true then the chance are great your wife has been doing this before with this woman. I would certainly tell this other woman's husband and have a serious talk with your wife. She screws another woman in your bed and in your house and you say nothing? No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. Sorry I don't believe any man could be this passive. I doubt the story. Link to post Share on other sites
michelangelo Posted January 16, 2008 Share Posted January 16, 2008 I think he was waiting for someone to recommend he covertly tape them night after night until he had enough info to blackmail them into a threesome -- not! I agree, it sounds phony. Link to post Share on other sites
Mustang Sally Posted January 16, 2008 Share Posted January 16, 2008 OP - Are you sh*tting me? You expect us to believe that you caught your wife in a little girl-girl action and you haven't broached the subject explicitly (sorry...couldn't help myself, again) with her? Methinks this is the stuff that dreams are made of..... Link to post Share on other sites
In Like Flynn Posted January 17, 2008 Share Posted January 17, 2008 Then you woke up right!!! Link to post Share on other sites
blackbird Posted January 17, 2008 Share Posted January 17, 2008 Not defending the OP in particular as the story does smell a little fishy to me as well, but I don't think it's entirely laughable to think that the shock of seeing your wife with a woman in your bed could numb you to inaction. Especially depending on if you've ever had any reason to think your wife might swing that way, and if this is a pattern in your reaction to stressful/shocking situations. Just because you would have barged right in and thrown the OW out of bed doesn't mean because he didn't, it's automatically a false story. And if this story IS true, is it really helping him to deal with the situation at hand to berate him on his passivity in that particular situation? It may be an issue but it's not the only one here... Link to post Share on other sites
TMCM Posted January 17, 2008 Share Posted January 17, 2008 I'm afraid I'm going to be a dissenting voice among the choir of 'he's a fake' for the simple reason that I've witnessed quite a few number of people behaving in strange ways that I'm inclined to agree with the old saying 'Truth is stranger than fiction'. So while I concede that you folks may be right about him, I'm still keeping my mind open. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tgknewsome Posted January 17, 2008 Author Share Posted January 17, 2008 First, thank you to those who have responded, I am looking for any kind of advice right now. Yes, I didn't take any action when I saw it because I was in shock/disbelief. I am not a "knee jerk" reaction type of person anyway, but I still cannot believe that I didn't just walk in and yell somethign along the lines of "what the hell is going on?" or some other explitive. I really dont' know why...I wish I had an answer. to answer some of the other questions; 10 minutes was obviously a rough guesstimate. I laid down on the couch but couldn't get comfortable with the little pillows that are on the couch, so I went in to grab a pillow off the bed. So for accuracy sake I'll say 2-15 mintues. Yes, this does seem like every guy's fantasy...I realize that. I even thought of that in hindsight, but I know I would find it very hard to live my life normally after that...I would feel like I betrayed her, she betrayed me, we through our vows out the window, etc. To give you an update and more information, the next couple of weeks after this happened, my wife was very "not herself". Meaning, she was quiet, didn't say much, and almost "off in space", which leads me to believe this was the first time this has happened, and she has some feelings of guilt or uneasiness, which is another reason I think she may tell me if I can throw hints and stuff out there. I don't want to just come out and throw it in her face, because she does get defensive at times, and I think doing so would lead her to just deny it again and again. But, if I can somehow convince her that she should and that its okay, to let me know and tell me what happened, and if this has happened before or since, etc. that she will tell me the truth and confide in me. Then we can work on our relationship and the next steps. I've dropped several hints the last few days, askign her why she was so out of it, is there anythign on your mind, things like that...and I think she is starting to put the pieces together that i know something. So, please keep any and all advice coming (sans the "why didn't you join in" ones), as I do appreciate it! Link to post Share on other sites
MakeLemonade Posted January 17, 2008 Share Posted January 17, 2008 Hasn't she lied already? Is it really going to make a difference to you or make it easier to work through this if she is the one to 'fess up now after you have already offered her hints and opportunities to come clean? You mentioned several times about how defensive she gets and that is why you hesitate to confront her - grow a pair - you need to get this out in the open if you want to save your marriage. If it is salvageable in your & also in her eyes. You can confront her in a calm way, hopefully defusing any violent? (if that what your concern is) reaction by her. "That night so & so passed out in the bed, I came back to the door 10 or 15 mins later and saw you two x,y,z - I was so shocked I didn't say anything but we need to talk about this right now" or something like that maybe. I just don't understand what you are waiting for, if she hasn't already told you about this, she probably isn't going to any time soon. She is hoping it will blow over, REALIZE - she doesn't know that you saw her, she thinks she can bluff and lie this away. You need to make it known that you SAW her. How can you live like that? Isn't it like living a lie every day? Link to post Share on other sites
CraigAllen Posted January 17, 2008 Share Posted January 17, 2008 Man, this isn't like you caught her masturbating. You need to just tell her you saw them. What? Do you just want to keep this in your back pocket for a little leverage or something? Perhaps there's really nothing to it and she feels guilty as hell. You'll never know if you don't confront her with it. It doesn't sound like she's going to cough it up on her own. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 18, 2008 Share Posted January 18, 2008 I know you're still shocked, feeling hurt and betrayed. Now it's time to confront your wife and tell her you walked in and saw them together. Don't wait for her to tell you. The longer you wait, the harder it will be to put an end to whatever it is that's going on between them. Good luck, be tough and don't let her turn it around on you and make it your fault. Link to post Share on other sites
dropdeadlegs Posted January 18, 2008 Share Posted January 18, 2008 Wow, I think I would have said something immediately, but you didn't and I can understand that. However, I think you need to say something now. She may get defensive, even tell you you're wrong, but you know what you saw and need to get to the bottom of that. If you don't it will only get harder with each passing day. Are you mentally prepared for any answer(s) she gives? I'm guessing she feels guilty. Was your wife drinking heavily as well? She might even be ashamed. She could even have deep feelings about Sarah and be questioning her sexuality and your marriage. It's possible that she doesn't feel that sex with a woman constitutes cheating on you. These are very deep issues, but nothing will be solved with your dropping hints and her silence. I can't pretend to know what I would do in your situation, since I've been in one that I didn't react like I thought I would. It's hard to project our actions until we are actually confronted with certain things. Hope you can get through this, dude. It's a toughy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted January 18, 2008 Share Posted January 18, 2008 You should ask her about the so-called friend. Tell her the so -called friend is not allowed around her or you or in your house anymore and watch her reaction. If she asks why, just tell her I saw you ****ing each other that night I came home and I didnt say anything. ...Are you gay? And dont waver, do not falter, give her full eye contact. Tell her if you cannot tell me the truth with what I saw with my own eyes than we cant be married anymore. If your gay or confused about things we need to seperate. but I wont allow cheating in my house. And people will know why were not together. Link to post Share on other sites
johnnyj Posted January 18, 2008 Share Posted January 18, 2008 Dude sorry, but your wife is messed up. The fact she and Sara were doing it so soon after you left the bedroom suggests it's not the first time for them. I totally understand how you didn't do/say anything -- seeing your wife with another woman is not as "traumatic" as it being with another man, so maybe you just wanted to let it play out and see what the hell comes of it. Having said that, I am sure if it were another guy your reaction would have been different and at least said "what the f* is going on here?!".... I think you better confront your wife about it. Link to post Share on other sites
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