cheating with co-worker

[sour grapes]

im going to try and make this as short as possible.about 2 months ago my husband came to me and told me he needed to talk to me about something he's been wanting to talk about so he turns the light off i guess he couldnt look me in the eye so he say's i think we should see other people i just dont have feelings for you anymore.i say whats going on are you saying this because you are seeing someone already.he says 2 weeks ago i went to the strip club and i slept with a stripper and im gonna continue to see her i dont care if you like it or not.i was stunned i didnt believe him i figured he was protected the real woman he was having an affair with.i wanted to know the truth so i kept on nagging him and he admitted to me he finally said ok its my co-worker at work i know exactly the co-worker he is talking about .he basically tells me to leave her alone its not her fault it was all him and he says they are in love and they are going to move in together he says i know things can work out between me and her shes a great person and i get along with her way more than i got along with you.so basically i said ok if this is what u want ok im done.obviously im still in love with him but im so heartbroken after he told me this he kept away from me. so he returns to work the following monday and for some reason he starts calling me from work he told me he told this woman this affair could not continue keep inmind i had already left my husband that very same day he told me about the affair .so basically he tells me he wants to work things out i didnt take him up onhis offer until a few weeks later i finally gave in i feel so stupid but i am still in love with him.so basically this female co-woker of his started to come on stronger to him she started calling him alot more telling him i miss you i miss you everyday and i think about you everyday asking him if they can met up after work telling him that she loves him and wants to be with him going up to him at work he said he made it clear to her about him not wanting anything to do with her i feel in my heart that he is telling me the truth but im still not comfortable with him having to work at the same place together the way i see it he gave into her once wouldnt he give into her again?

[Tripper]

he said he made it clear to her about him not wanting anything to do with her i feel in my heart that he is telling me the truth but im still not comfortable with him having to work at the same place together the way i see it he gave into her once wouldnt he give into her again?

 

 

Sounds like he had a major case of regrets. Only problem is he's gonna have to jump through some hoops for you..

 

As I see it he:

a) got his rocks off with the OW

b) dumped it in your lap to unburden his guilt

c) now he realizes he's screwed up and wants to undo the mess...

 

Not so easy. Firstly he needs to apologize profusely to you for putting you through this. Then he needs to go and get tested for STDs. Yep embarrassing.

Then he had better explain to you why he had an EMA. What he saw so wrong in your M that he hurt you like this.

Then, if he's serious about saving your marriage, he needs to find another job, away from her... or she needs to leave...

 

This is the reason I'm so adamant about not "fishing off the company pier". But that's another thread ....

[Trimmer]

As I see it he:

a) got his rocks off with the OW

b) dumped it in your lap to unburden his guilt

c) now he realizes he's screwed up and wants to undo the mess...

... and not only that, but between (b) and © he took a dump on your marriage when he said "shes a great person and i get along with her way more than i got along with you...." Even if the affair is settled and apologized for, he's got some explaining to do about that.

 

He made a choice and cast you out. Don't climb back in right away and think that everything's fine, even though you are probably feeling an overwhelming and understandable sense of relief. He needs to convince you why he still deserves to be a part of the marriage, after what he has done and said.

 

I would have some serious questions about how I could trust his commitment, when he so quickly and so certainly dumped you and turned his loyalty to someone else, and then so quickly dumped her and came back to you. Even though you're the winner of the moment (and I use the term "winner" somewhat facetiously...) can you trust that it will stick?

 

He's got some serious work to do on himself.

[sour grapes]

first of all i want to thank both of u for the comments i they are very helpful to me .i am a very private person and i cant talk to anyone about this situation so honestly i am depending on things like this to help me.i try to talk to my husband about it and to my surprise he does answer my questions .what i am trying to understand is why would he tell me he was in love with her and was going to move in with her and then turn around and tell me he wants to work things out with me he does seem to be trying real hard to gain my trust back but honestly i dont think it will happen maybe im just saying this now because it just happen a month and a half ago.did i mention the affair was going on for 6 months another thing he told his co-worker buddies about this affair which they mentioned it to their wives and he has invited these same guys with their wives over to my home now i dont know if its just me but how am i suppose to feel about this knowing that they know everything that happen thats humiliating for me wouldnt u agree or am i over reacting .oh and yes the std situation i did tell him he needed to get tested which he did he was cool with that .i just dont know if i can ever forgive him or forget about it .

[Rooster_DAR]

... and not only that, but between (b) and © he took a dump on your marriage when he said "shes a great person and i get along with her way more than i got along with you...." Even if the affair is settled and apologized for, he's got some explaining to do about that.

 

This caught my eye.

 

To me this is a blow that is not forgivable, it's an end all in my eyes. I know you still love him, but tread lightly here it sound really fishy to me. When people have affairs they often vacillate between their lover and the spouse, it sounds to me like they may have had a fight and he's trying to keep you on the burner.

 

Be careful.

[sour grapes]

i wondered also if he was just putting me on the back burner until she was ready to move in with him like they had planned,but during the time we seperated i get a phone call from this woman and she is trying to go off on me telling me crazy things like what did i tell my husband for him to not want to be with her anymore and saying that all of a sudden he's acting strage around her how he's keeping his distance from her she had the nerve to tell me that why am i trying to come between them that i dont even want him so why cant i just let him go,keep in mind i had made him leave the very same night he told me of the affair which was during thanksgiving holidays,when i made him leave that night i was done or atleast i thought i was i never tried to convince him to stay with me i never talked bad about her i told him well if she is what u want and you are happy than have a nice life ,we were seperated for 3 weeks i know thats not long ,but it seems as though from the moment he told me of the affair it seems strage but he seem to have felt more at ease around me ,he doesnt have my trust honestly im not sure if he ever will and for this reason im not sure if the M will work but i guess its worth a try .

[OpenBook]

what i am trying to understand is why would he tell me he was in love with her and was going to move in with her and then turn around and tell me he wants to work things out with me

 

Here's why...

 

keep inmind i had already left my husband that very same day he told me about the affair

 

You moved AWAY from the relationship. That always gets a man's attention! Another thing - if there's a common theme in all the CS's who post here, it's this - they're confused about what (and who) they want. Your H sounds no different. The difficult decision you must make is whether you are willing to give him and the M another chance.

 

And the thing about him inviting his co-workers to your home without talking to you about it first - even though he told THEM all about his A?!? Not in THIS lifetime, buddy!! Unless you put your foot down with him in no uncertain terms, he will continue this bad behavior toward you.

[Tripper]

And the thing about him inviting his co-workers to your home without talking to you about it first - even though he told THEM all about his A?!? Not in THIS lifetime, buddy!! Unless you put your foot down with him in no uncertain terms, he will continue this bad behavior toward you.

 

Agreed!!

 

From his actions, I think he revealed the affair, mostly through wanting to unburden his guilt. Then it didn't go as planned with the OW, so now he's back peddling.

 

The co-worker invitation is simply wrong at this point. You have some decisions to make about your marriage. HOWEVER... you don't have to make them immediately.

Your forgiveness and trust of your H, has to be earned back by him. He needs to prove to you that he is sorry and a good start is for you to call the shots on this invite.

By putting your marriage in jeopardy then reversing his stance, he's put the ball in your court. And that means he's given up some of his rights.

[sour grapes]

i agree im standing my ground with the invite how can he expect me to be around these couples who know about his A i mean i always have gotten along with them and they have always come over but its not the same now im ashamed to be around them i feel like a fool because they all knew about it befor me.

 

i can tell he doesnt like my choice he mentioned im over reacting i told him he should have thought about that befor he decided to bring other people into our relationship its one thing to cheat but when you go around bragging about it to co-workers who's wives im friends with he just made me look like a fool

 

im so confussed i cry about it everyday im so hurt the whole A telling another woman you love her and then having to go to work everyday to see her for 9 hours a day .

 

i know none of this was my fault im not even mad at the other woman until that is she started calling me she was basically stalking me i know he feels bad for what he did and i know if he wanted to be with her he could because she basically has no shame and continues to try and get his attention i asked him once what do you like about her so much his response was "i like how she is all up on me " my thing is im thinking of asking him to leave his job but im not sure if its just me being insecure and immature i mean taking him away from his job doesnt mean he will never cheat again thats something he needs to fix within himself im i right?

[Tripper]

i can tell he doesnt like my choice he mentioned im over reacting i told him he should have thought about that befor he decided to bring other people into our relationship its one thing to cheat but when you go around bragging about it to co-workers who's wives im friends with he just made me look like a fool

 

i asked him once what do you like about her so much his response was "i like how she is all up on me " my thing is im thinking of asking him to leave his job but im not sure if its just me being insecure and immature i mean taking him away from his job doesnt mean he will never cheat again thats something he needs to fix within himself im i right?

 

Jeez SG, I don't think you're overreacting. How are you supposed to react?? This is his doing and you have the right to feel pain and hurt. My gawd, he seems insensitive to the anguish he's caused. Seems like he's trying to sweep it under the rug and forget about it and simply let's get back to "normal". Doesn't he realize that his actions have irrevocably changed your relationship??

 

Of course he likes her and "she's up on him".. Affairs don't deal with real life like washing dishes, removing trash or paying bills. You only get the best exciting parts. Real life doesn't intrude. Until the guilt gets to you or you get caught.

 

I don't think you are insecure for wanting him to change jobs. If that's what it takes for him to prove that he wants to work on your M. Yes, he may cheat again, unfortunately there's no way to guarantee he won't.

 

Have you had any real discussion about all this with him?? I mean a "sit down because I gotta lot of questions" kind of discussion??

You are entitled to answers such as to why it happened, will it happen again, how can he guarantee it won't happen again, does he want to work on the M, how's that going to happen, MC?? If it happens again will you tolerated that??

 

Sorry, I'm starting to rant, but you are sitting there crying in anguish and he wants to throw a party and invite his coworkers.. It sticks in my craw.. I can imagine how you must feel...

[sour grapes]

yes we have sat down and talked about things of course it was me to bring it up and of course he does'nt feel comfortable but he still answers it's just he has'nt answered all of them i have so many and when we are talking about the A i get upset and start to cry out of anger he than just shuts down and doesnt want to talk anymore.

 

he told me it would never happen again i tell him how can he be so sure it's happen before so how can you say it won't happen again

 

i asked him why did you do it why did you cheat this woman had been hitting on him for yrs they have worked at the same company for 8yrs he's been there 11yrs. he say's she had been hitting on me for yrs and she just started to become more aggressive she would tell him things like "damn you look like you can put it on me good" "whatcha got there you look like you have a bulge down there" so after hearing a bunch of comments like he say's he began to get curious and started flirting back and he tells her he's not happy in his M he doesnt love me and he's miserable

 

so i asked him why were you so unhappy and why was i the last one to find out i should have been the first one to find out and he can't seem to come up with an answer he justs quiet he always gets stuck with that question he say's it's her why could'nt she just leave me alone and to top it all off he has the nerve to ask me if im on his side or her side why the hell would he ask me something so stupid ?

[Trimmer]

so i asked him why were you so unhappy and why was i the last one to find out i should have been the first one to find out and he can't seem to come up with an answer he justs quiet he always gets stuck with that question he say's it's her why could'nt she just leave me alone...

AAAARRRGHHH... That would make me crazy. He's putting the blame for his transgression on her. She's not the one who made his decision for him, she's not the one who told you he "gets along with her way better than he gets along with you..." etc. I don't condone her actions, and I would have a lot of anger towards her, but I would insist on him taking full responsibility for his own actions as an absolute requirement of moving forward in any way, shape, or form. Boy, I would just want to whack him there (but don't actually do it, OK?)

 

...and to top it all off he has the nerve to ask me if im on his side or her side why the hell would he ask me something so stupid ?

Man, that's pretty stupid alright. There aren't only two sides to this - you've got your own "side" that isn't necessarily aligned with either of them (duh!) and you could just as well ask him why the hell he didn't stay on YOUR side. Again another whack in the head (again, figuratively... )

 

I don't know... My wife had an affair 12 or so years ago. We "got over" it, but we did it by kind of putting it away and not really examining it, which is probably what your husband thinks is his best hope for getting through this. I think we did ourselves a disservice, not diggin in and examining it further. He may never have an answer to 'why' or 'what were you thinking' about this affair specifically, but there is something deep down within him, and within the fabric of your marriage, that needs to be brought out and explored, if the marriage is to regain its health.

Edited January 17, 2008 by Trimmer

[Tripper]

of course he does'nt feel comfortable but he still answers it's just he has'nt answered all of them i have so many and when we are talking about the A i get upset and start to cry out of anger he than just shuts down and doesnt want to talk anymore.

 

Have you considered doing this with a Marriage Counselor? It won't make him or you any more comfortable with the situation but at least an MC can facilitate and referee the process. And guide you through this process.

 

 

and he tells her he's not happy in his M he doesnt love me and he's miserable

so i asked him why were you so unhappy and why was i the last one to find out i should have been the first one to find out and he can't seem to come up with an answer he justs quiet he always gets stuck with that question

More than anything you should have an answer to this question. Why is he unhappy/miserable. If this is truly an issue for him unless you can get resolution to his unhappiness, or at least answers you can't begin to repair the damage done by the A. That would be like putting a bandage on an infected sore. It's still festering underneath. Again an MC can probe for this.

 

 

he say's it's her why could'nt she just leave me alone and to top it all off he has the nerve to ask me if im on his side or her side why the hell would he ask me something so stupid ?

 

Tell him you are on YOUR side. By asking such a question he's trying to shift the blame. He had the affair and tries to justify it by saying the OW wouldn't leave him alone <that's lame> and he's miserable <still lame> and your not on his side by not supporting or understanding him < really, really lame>.

 

I'm not trying to be harsh, but your H seems to be very insensitive to what he's done and the anguish it's caused you. Most cheaters lie, deny and blame everyone but themselves.

 

What is your thinking, if any at this point, regarding working on / saving your M??

[sour grapes]

im not sure what i want its strange but some day's i want to work things out and some day's i just cant look at him without wanting to hit him i tell him i'm taking it day by day.

 

yesturday was the first time he told me he was sorry he said i really want to apalogize for everything i did to you i told him his apalogy doesnt mean anything to me that actions speak louder than words.

 

am i making a mistake by asking to many questions honestly i know pretty much every detail the sexual detail was by accident i walked in on a argument he was having with her and i pretty much heard him bashing her for being "easy" and giving her cheap shots about the places they had sex that made it difficult on me. they were basically having sex in random parking lots after work .

 

when i see him i cant help but imagine all the sexual things he did with her it makes me not want to be with him sexually and i ask myself should i be asking him questions when do i know when to stop the more i know the more i get angry and hurt but im not the type of person that likes to left in the dark i have alot of questions and i want answers.but am i just looking for trouble wanting to know to much ??

[Tripper]

am i making a mistake by asking to many questions honestly i know pretty much every detail the sexual detail was by accident i walked in on a argument he was having with her and i pretty much heard him bashing her for being "easy" and giving her cheap shots about the places they had sex that made it difficult on me. they were basically having sex in random parking lots after work .

 

Well, SG, you are still hurting. Some people don't want to know any details, others do. You have the right to do what's best for you. One way you'll always wonder, the other you'll always remember.

 

Giving her cheap shots and berating her for being easy may make him feel better but the truth of the matter is that he is just as much to blame. I understand that it may also a way of him venting his anger at himself by blaming her but again it's his fault.

 

 

when i see him i cant help but imagine all the sexual things he did with her it makes me not want to be with him sexually and i ask myself should i be asking him questions when do i know when to stop the more i know the more i get angry and hurt but im not the type of person that likes to left in the dark i have alot of questions and i want answers.but am i just looking for trouble wanting to know to much ??

 

Of course you don't want to have sex with him. How can you trust him after such a betrayal. He has to earn the right to be trusted and you need to feel safe with him. This is going to take time. He needs to prove that he can be trusted.

As much as you want to know... what is it you want to know?? Sexual details? times and places?? Did he enjoy it more with her than with you?? You have the right to ask these questions, but will they make you satisfied or simply angry. And you will have anger, how you will deal with that is also important to you for your well being.