jealousy and insecurity

[nina34]

hi everyone!

 

i am new to the board and hoping for some advice...

 

i have been dating my boyfriend for about a year and we recently started living together. the relationship has become quite "serious". he is a wonderful person and i can honestly say that i have never been so attracted to anyone on so many different levels. i truly love him and want to have a future with him.

 

BUT...

 

I have been struggling with a number of issues relating to jealousy and insecurity lately and it's making me very unhappy. I am really not sure where this is coming from because i was in a very long-term relationship previously and could count on one hand the number of times i felt jealous and it was not even close to the feeling i have this time around.

 

he really hasn't done anything to make me think he would cheat on me specifically. but i do know that he has been "unfaithful" in prior relationships. he also has a number of very close personal friends that are women and i have to say that makes me nervous.

 

i really don't like how i feel about this and was hoping someone out there could give me some ways to deal with feelings like this.

 

thanks!

[NEONINK]

Well, I will just say, there is NOTHING more unattractive than jealousy and insecurity.

 

And sometimes it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. Look, he made the big step of moving in, perhaps you wanted a ring, but you took the milk instead of the cow. That's done now.

 

Work on yourself, read some positive stuff, see all the good things YOU bring to the table and offer the relationship and focus on those. Do not focus on the negative.

 

Don't create the scenario that you fear. Only you and he know the differences of your relationship and his prior ones. You should already know if he regrets cheating in the past or if the conditions were totally unlike what you have with him.

[km82794]

Hey Nina,

 

Welcome aboard!!!

 

My advise to you would be to check into some books on insecurity and do some self-analysis as to why you are feeling so jealous in this new relationship.

 

I too have this same problem with my fiance because of his "unfaithful" past.

 

I was never jealous in any other relationship prior to the one I have now. My last boyfriend (before fiance) was ABSOLUTELY gorgeous, every woman wanted this guy and I wasn't the slightest bit scared because I knew how he ticked.

 

Now in the relationship I have with my fiance, the green eyed monster comes out in me quite a bit.

 

Could it be because he has cheated in the past?

The "way too many" favors he does for his ex wife?

The way he remains friends with his past loves?

His eyeballing anything with boobies and a nice butt?

Or is it my fiances own insane jealousy that makes me this way?

 

OR MAYBE THE CASE REALLY IS THAT....

Maybe (like my fiance says) he has changed his ways. He has seen the hurt he has caused in the past and vows not to repeat the same mistake.

 

Being I am in the same situation, I don't know if I can really help you here, but what I have decided is......

 

If he decides he's going to cheat, I won't be able to stop him.

I will not waste my time worrying about something that is totally out of my control.

 

I just try and be the best woman I can be. If he cheats, I'll shake the woman's hand and consider myself lucky that she was stupid enough to take the slimeball off my hands.

 

P.S. If it makes you feel any better, my nickname for my fiance is

"My walking h*rd on", lol

[bmiller107]

I have the opposite problem as you. My boyfriend knows that I cheated in a prior relationship and has very grave concerns that I will in this one.

 

When I did the cheating, there were circumstances at the time that I thought warranted it and my previous partner never found out. Therefore, you need to closely examine the reason behind the affairs in prior relationships.

 

Also, because we have been arguing about jealousy, I started doing some research. Because jealousy is so poisonous to a relationship, it is imperative that you talk it out with your boyfriend. If you admit your vulnerability, he should be able to alleviate your concerns.