Welcome back home says W......

[Frances]

 

“I think the wife has her own agenda and why should she let the cheating pair have it all their own way.”

 

boy, what jaded views! And I imagine they've been made by women or men who've invested what? Maybe two, three, four years in a relationship with a married lover?

 

 

I made the above remark and I have been married for 35 years to the same man.

In no way was I disrespecting the wife. I was giving her credit for looking after her own needs and not letting the cheating pair make a complete fool out of her. By not losing her cool and making stupid mistakes that people who are betrayed often do she is looking at the long term.

[nextel]

I was just thinking of something...

 

Nextel, are you in a "no fault" state?

 

 

Yes, you guessed it.

[norajane]

W told him...."Welcome back".

 

Well, who knows? Maybe what she said was, "Welcome back, jackass."

[nextel]

One positive thing...if I remember right...Nextel has set a boundary for the end of this month.

 

Hopefully something will happen to resolve the situation at that point.

 

 

yes I did set a deadline. And yes he has acknowledged the deadline on many times.

 

MM went back home because the children were back from their mothers' home. He has told W that he does not want to be married to her and she refuses to acknowledge this instead she calls his family to complain. The reason she is not fighting him is because he told her 4 months ago that he was seeing someone after she asked him if he was seeing someone. And yes, she tried to calling him one morning after he had spent the night and he did not pick up her phone call.

 

I don't think he is a cake eater but I might be mistaken. I have known MM for a long time, and one thing he has never done is lie. But there is always a first time for everything.

 

My R with MM is strong enough to overcome whatever patience W is showing. I know he loves me, I feel it, I see it and I know it. He knows what I want and anything short is a waste of my time.

[nextel]

Well, who knows? Maybe what she said was, "Welcome back, jackass."

 

If she did, it was not heard. She loves the comfort he provides.

[whichwayisup]

I don't think he is a cake eater but I might be mistaken. I have known MM for a long time, and one thing he has never done is lie. But there is always a first time for everything.

 

Are you sure about that? He's NEVER lied to you. Well, he's lied to his wife for sure, I doubt he told her "Hey I'm cheating on you" when your A with him started. So, yes, he's lied. If you want to believe he's never lied to you, that's fine, but just don't be shocked and upset that he has and you find out about it.

 

And yes, she tried to calling him one morning after he had spent the night and he did not pick up her phone call.

 

He is still married to her, the mother of his children. I'm sorry but HE isn't handling this situation well at all. He's treating her like crap (MOM of his children) and he's going to regret pissing her off one day...

[GreenEyedLady]

Are you sure about that? He's NEVER lied to you. Well, he's lied to his wife for sure, I doubt he told her "Hey I'm cheating on you" when your A with him started. So, yes, he's lied. If you want to believe he's never lied to you, that's fine, but just don't be shocked and upset that he has and you find out about it.

 

 

 

He is still married to her, the mother of his children. I'm sorry but HE isn't handling this situation well at all. He's treating her like crap (MOM of his children) and he's going to regret pissing her off one day...

 

She is not the mother of his children...the children are a different woman's if I'm not mistaken...

[nextel]

She is not the mother of his children...the children are a different woman's if I'm not mistaken...

 

 

Thanks for the clarification GEL.

 

whichwayisup

I am not naive to the fact that he is capable of lying to me, just like any human being can to another. Thats why I said there's always a first. You are correct, he did not tell her that he was seeing someone when we started our A....to me, thats water under the bridge. She now knows that he is seeing someone. He does not pack a bag when he comes to spend nights with me, he has his clothing in my closet, so he goes to his house with different clothes on.

[Frances]

If she did, it was not heard. She loves the comfort he provides.

 

 

From what you have said before you are not adverse to a bit of material comfort.

 

He did marry her of his own free will did he not? Have you no respect for this woman? Do you really want a man who would treat a woman he married in the disrespectfull manner he is doing?

 

Have you no respect for yourself?

[Computers]

Thanks for the clarification GEL.

 

whichwayisup

I am not naive to the fact that he is capable of lying to me, just like any human being can to another. Thats why I said there's always a first. You are correct, he did not tell her that he was seeing someone when we started our A....to me, thats water under the bridge. She now knows that he is seeing someone. He does not pack a bag when he comes to spend nights with me, he has his clothing in my closet, so he goes to his house with different clothes on.

 

If he can do that to her when they are not dating, but married, what makes you think that he won't do that to you down the road? Will you ever be secure? Will you ever be proud of yourself for breaking up a marriage? Don't you have any respect for yourself?

[nextel]

If he can do that to her when they are not dating, but married, what makes you think that he won't do that to you down the road? Will you ever be secure? Will you ever be proud of yourself for breaking up a marriage? Don't you have any respect for yourself?

 

He did marry her of his own free will did he not? Have you no respect for this woman? Do you really want a man who would treat a woman he married in the disrespectfull manner he is doing?

 

Have you no respect for yourself?

 

 

I am sure he is capable of doing whatever he desires. But lets get something straight....the marriage was broken up long before I was in the picture. I have known for a while that he wanted out way before we ever got together. Yes, he did marry her at his own free will but she also pulled a fast one on him which is why he resents her for doing it.

 

As far as whether or not I respect myself....I do. Just because I want a man that is married on paper and not in his heart does not mean that I dont respect myself.

 

I am not looking for judgement here. And even if you are judging me, I really could care less. There is a man I want, he wants me, he is married to W on paper, but married to me in his heart and I am going to get him. You snooze, you lose.

[NoIDidn't]

I don't think the W is disrespecting herself at all. What a bunch of pop psychology. She is using good ole fashioned common sense. If he leaves or not, files or not, she will have the benefit of knowing that she honored her marriage 'til the end.

 

What I don't understand (actually, I do, but none of them will ever admit to it) is why the OPs on this thread automatically think this guy is being so great when he is so hugely disrespecting his W and marriage in an attempt to impress his OW. I wonder who he will demean her to when he has someone else to impress. And, no, I am not talking about when or if he cheats on her. I am talking about any person that he needs to impress with his *obviously* infinite powers.

 

I am not convinced that he said the truth at all. I think the woman was being sarcastic, if she even said it at all.

 

Why is a man that so obviously disrespects his W and his own word considered so noble and great?

[Computers]

I am sure he is capable of doing whatever he desires. But lets get something straight....the marriage was broken up long before I was in the picture. I have known for a while that he wanted out way before we ever got together. Yes, he did marry her at his own free will but she also pulled a fast one on him which is why he resents her for doing it.

 

This is very typical of an OW. Justifications!

 

As far as whether or not I respect myself....I do. Just because I want a man that is married on paper and not in his heart does not mean that I dont respect myself.

 

Are you truly proud of what you've done? Do you truly believe that he has never been intimate with his wife while he was having an affair with you?

 

There is a man I want, he wants me, he is married to W on paper, but married to me in his heart and I am going to get him. You snooze, you lose.

 

You parents can't possibly be proud of you, can they?

 

Just because your perception of a marriage dying or dead doesn't give you the right to sleep with a married man. Just because someone is dying or dead of cancer, doesn't give you the right to shoot him.

[nextel]

I don't think the W is disrespecting herself at all. What a bunch of pop psychology. She is using good ole fashioned common sense. If he leaves or not, files or not, she will have the benefit of knowing that she honored her marriage 'til the end.

 

What I don't understand (actually, I do, but none of them will ever admit to it) is why the OPs on this thread automatically think this guy is being so great when he is so hugely disrespecting his W and marriage in an attempt to impress his OW. I wonder who he will demean her to when he has someone else to impress. And, no, I am not talking about when or if he cheats on her. I am talking about any person that he needs to impress with his *obviously* infinite powers.

 

I am not convinced that he said the truth at all. I think the woman was being sarcastic, if she even said it at all.

 

Why is a man that so obviously disrespects his W and his own word considered so noble and great?

 

 

 

If you told you W/H that the marriage is over and that you both need to go your separate ways, and she says....I don't care what you do outside of this house. Are you supposed to stop living your life?

 

That marriage has been dead longer than it has been alive. And even if she was being sarcastic, she is the one that refused counseling when they were having problems. And now that he is happy with me and she knows there is someone in his life, she wants to get his entire family involved. The only problem is that....his family did not agree with the M in the first place.

[NoIDidn't]

...he is married to W on paper, but married to me in his heart and I am going to get him. You snooze, you lose.

 

Thanks for quoting this Computers. It was a good laugh.

 

Seriously it sounds like a bunch of LaLaLand thinking. "married to me in his heart"?

 

Are you serious? That paper is a whole lot more important than your heart in the US (since you say you live in a no-fault state, I am sure you are in the US).

 

Well, I hope you get him. He sounds like a real catch. He returns to his marital home for whatever reason, his legal wife welcomes him, and he responds with hatred? Yeah, he's a good one. Where does his W get off welcoming him back into his own home?

 

I still think she was being sarcastic if that's all you have to go by (him relaying it to you).

[Frances]

Nextel you said that you have known MM before he married his wife. Why did he not marry you then? Is there a large age gap with you and MM?

 

Are you looling for the material things that he can buy you? I note that he has bought you a car. Is it usual for a man to whom one is not married to buy a car for them?

[whichwayisup]

well, I wish you luck Nex. And, stick to your time limit, otherwise your MM will string out this situation for another year. Can you wait another year, hear him telling you, I just need more time to work through stuff, she'll be out in 2 months, I promise......

 

He isn't handling this situation well at all and honestly, if he really wanted out, he'd move out himself and maybe even talk to a lawyer about his options about getting his wife to move out. I take it the house is his? Do you plan on moving into his house in the future? Or are you wanting to start fresh, buy a house together? She could buy out his half of the house so she won't have to move out.

 

This situation is a mess. Yes, you love him but he isn't a 'nice' guy here at all. Remember this about him because I hope one day you do not have to experience being on his bad side.

[norajane]

If you told you W/H that the marriage is over and that you both need to go your separate ways, and she says....I don't care what you do outside of this house. Are you supposed to stop living your life?

 

Nope, you go on living your life - as a DIVORCED person. Why hasn't he left yet if his marriage is so over? His behavior is more bizarre than his wife's is in that regard, don't you think? He's telling her the marriage is over, he's telling you their marriage has been dead for a year, yet he hasn't filed for divorce. So why do you think his wife is the freak but he isn't?

[NoIDidn't]

If you told you W/H that the marriage is over and that you both need to go your separate ways, and she says....I don't care what you do outside of this house. Are you supposed to stop living your life?

 

That marriage has been dead longer than it has been alive. And even if she was being sarcastic, she is the one that refused counseling when they were having problems. And now that he is happy with me and she knows there is someone in his life, she wants to get his entire family involved. The only problem is that....his family did not agree with the M in the first place.

 

I am not sure what you are saying to me here, but believe me, you are so snowed you wouldn't know the trees from the forrest when it comes to this man and his marriage.

 

His family didn't agree with the M? Hmmmmm....is this something his whole family told you or something that he told you?

 

They are still having problems. He's still married and involved in an A. I wouldn't go to counselling with a man that's cheating on me either.

 

I don't want to derail your thread or argue with you, so I will stop with this: If his family was against the M, why is he worried that she is talking to them? They would only be telling her what they thought about their doomed marriage, right? What does he have to worry about if his family *classically* "never liked" her?

 

And, yes, I STILL think that she was being sarcastic but his ego is too big to see it that way.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I think there's more to the story than even Nextel knows. Something isn't adding up in MM's story but I'm sure that will become apparent as the deadlines comes and goes.

[bentnotbroken]

It is clear that Nex has made up her mind. But it is unual that a marriage that is so long ago over and without children would need to be strung out so long. He basically lives with you, but he stays married to a woman who he is no longer married to in his heart, but still married to on paper. It's just seems he has NO reason to still be even married to her on paper, if he truly wants to be without her.

[Frances]

It is clear that Nex has made up her mind. But it is unual that a marriage that is so long ago over and without children would need to be strung out so long. He basically lives with you, but he stays married to a woman who he is no longer married to in his heart, but still married to on paper. It's just seems he has NO reason to still be even married to her on paper, if he truly wants to be without her.

 

 

As Nextel lives in the US you would think so. It is different in other countries.

 

I think Nex does not really have a clue what he is up to. One fact everyone knows is that MM lie sometimes even to them selves.

[nextel]

Thank you everyone for your words.

 

Decisions wont always be welcomed by everyone and that is life because you cannot please everyone. Yes I knew MM before he got married. At the time, I was too focused on me. He has been M for less than 2 years. Yes, I am sure W was being sarcastic, and she might still want him. He has not moved out because of his children, its been their home for 7 years. He wanted to solve things amicably, but obviously things have not turned out that way. He is not worried about her calling his family, she calls them so that they convince him to stay in the marriage. His family never supported the M in the first place. I am sure M on paper means a lot.... But if a person no longer wants you, it does not mean too much.

 

In any event, we will see what happens in a few weeks.

[GreenEyedLady]

Nextel:

 

Your R is your R...Whatever anyone says here really is of no consequence in real life...If you are happy and satisfied with the way it is going, nothing anyone says here matters...No one here knows the real circumstances or the real people involved...They are simply operating under their own frame of reference...

 

I often wonder why BS's come here and then wonder at what they hear...It is the OW forum and when they come here they are going to hear what OP's think about the BS etc...Neither side understands each other...We can all agree to disagree, but often when people are hurting, it gets pushed aside and people act off their own anger...(Not meant to anyone in particular and just generally about the nature of the forum)

 

I for one am behind you Nextel, and I hope it works out the way you want it to...I would caution about what others say on this forum and the effect it has on your R...If your deadline is not met, you have no one here to answer too...As easy as some posters believe it is to get divorced, it's actually a long, difficult process...Hopefully he will be able to make your deadline...

 

GEL

[nextel]

Nextel:

 

Your R is your R...Whatever anyone says here really is of no consequence in real life...If you are happy and satisfied with the way it is going, nothing anyone says here matters...No one here knows the real circumstances or the real people involved...They are simply operating under their own frame of reference...

 

I often wonder why BS's come here and then wonder at what they hear...It is the OW forum and when they come here they are going to hear what OP's think about the BS etc...Neither side understands each other...We can all agree to disagree, but often when people are hurting, it gets pushed aside and people act off their own anger...(Not meant to anyone in particular and just generally about the nature of the forum)

 

I for one am behind you Nextel, and I hope it works out the way you want it to...I would caution about what others say on this forum and the effect it has on your R...If your deadline is not met, you have no one here to answer too...As easy as some posters believe it is to get divorced, it's actually a long, difficult process...Hopefully he will be able to make your deadline...

 

GEL

 

 

Thanks GEL.

 

He told me that he was working on the deadline. He has referenced to it and understands my position. His position is not easy but I believe he is doing what he needs to do in order to keep his children stable as well as finding his own happiness.