trust issues and jealousy

[hendersongirl]

ok... my boyfriend and i have been together a year and 4 months, mostly great but with one hiccup - a young girl of 18 showed signs of mild obsession with him for a few months (he is 32... i am 20 by the way but please dont let the age gap influence you. it has never been a problem for us or anyone we know. we have the same values, mindframe and maturity level, and everyone thinks we are a great couple.).

 

He went to a movie with her and kissed her once, but felt so awful about it he was a wreck, told me about it, said he understood if i never wanted to see him again and offered to leave the city to spare me having to see him. I thought seriously about breaking it off, but decided not to because everyone makes mistakes and he was clearly upset about it. After that she continued to text him and email him and a couple of times even called him, but he kept telling her 'no, you know i have a girlfriend, please leave me alone' etc etc and was mostly open about it with me.

 

About 5 months later while i was away visiting family he met up with her behind my back for her birthday, he went out partying with her friends. I had a psychic dream about this while I was away and told him about it (not realising it was a psychic dream) and he told me he did go out with them. Nothing at all happened except she continued to tell him how much she is in love with him and he told her no no no. I thought... hmmm dodgy, but i do genuinely believe him (i am good at this sort of thing).

 

THEN, when i came back from my holiday, I was at his house, and there was a knock at the door and it was the girl, and my boyfriend and i were both post-coitally naked, and she completely flipped out and was screaming 'how could you do this to me?' even though she knew about me, ive met her before, we see her around town often etc etc.

 

Anyway, i was a little upset at how she could know where he lived and why she thought she could just show up at 9pm... and so when he had finally gotten rid of her, i demanded explanations. i was seriously considering ending it this time, and had packed my things etc. he said yes, she had been there, but only once and they watched movies and nothing untoward happened. he was clearly upset about the whole thing and felt terrible and apologised. after a 3 hour long epic discussion i went home to think about it. i decided it would be best to go back up home for a few weeks, have a trial break up or whatever. but at the last minute i couldnt do it, i skipped the bus and went to his place. we talked it through and decided to give it another go, really putting effort into building our relationship back up.

 

We had a great month or so before christmas, then i went back to visit my family and when i came back, it was like everything was mended. He came over to help me move flats (into his place, by the way, we had decided to do this a few months earlier and that was one of the things we discussed and decided to go through with), and while making love he held me desperately for a while then looked into my eyes and said "I wish I could take it all back. I love you. I love you, Sarah" (first time the L word has been used by him. I told him (matter of factly) that I loved him, a couple of months ago and a couple of times since).

 

Since then, everything has been close to perfect. We have lived together for three weeks or so (separate bedrooms though which works out very well... need our own space). He said once "I am so sorry for everything. I love you." and also we thought i might be pregnant, and (even though he has said he never wants kids) was very very supportive and surprisingly paternal. when i asked if he felt like it would ruin his life, as he never wants children, he replied "nah... you know what, maybe it is time for me to settle down. these things are never unplanned. unplanned by us, maybe. but they happen for a reason" meaning god, of course.

 

Anyway, so that speel was just to give the background. We have a wonderful loving relationship.

 

HOWEVER... i am still healing over being hurt, my trust being violated, so i am still slightly wary. i have developed a habit of checking his emails, reasonably regularly (he doesnt even know i know his password.. he is a very private person in all ways. wont even brush his teeth or shave with the door open, says its the same as going to the toilet. anyway..

 

I found that he has memberships with about 10 different online dating websites, some with more that one account. I've managed to get the passwords for the accounts as well, and had a snoop. Some are from before we met, and he hasnt been on since then. some he started since we met, and some even quite recently. there are ones on gay dating sites, adult sex dating sites, as well as more serious relationship ones. some have his real information, some fake. Two he is even listed as a couple (with me). At first i was really scared and upset, (didnt help with the trust thing), but ive read all the messages and he has never met up with anyone off them. some of them he just takes the mickey out of people who send naked pictures etc. On the two gay accounts he has had sexually explicit conversations, but mostly tells them he has a girlfriend and is just curious, or that the thought of gay sex is not his thing. He even seems to have made friends with a couple of the gay guys, who started out trying to pick him up. Some of them he leads them on, saying things like "yeah, my place is free, im horny" and stuff, but from the dates and times i know that he didnt go anywhere and noone came here.

 

I asked him casually (when an advertisement came on tv for a dating website) what he thought of them ("theyre ok, some people find it hard to meet people") and whether he had ever used one ("no, never. i have no problems picking up chicks")

 

I have also asked him whether he has ever slept with another man, (*turns nose up* "no, that sounds... um. painful. and men are all sweaty and smelly. yuck")

 

Im pretty sure this whole thing is just a strange hobby of his, maybe when he's bored, or even instead of pornography (he hates pornography "poisons the mind"), and jerks off to pictures people send. i dont really know. But it kind of bothers me. Theres no way i can confront him directly, after all, i actively snooped, not just happened upon it. Intellectually it doesnt really bother me either, he has never met up with any of them, its just an (albeit odd) way to meet people and chat. To be honest he doesnt have many friends, as he only moved here a couple of years ago to go back to university, and spends a lot of time studying.

 

But every time i log on as him and see he's had a conversation with someone, my stomach kind of sinks and i get panicky.

 

Am i overreacting????? Serves me right for snooping?? Is this ok??? he lied about it, saying he'd never been on a dating website. Maybe he's just embarrassed about it?? If I tell him I snooped, the relationship would be over for sure. Is it even a big deal?? I dont know who has committed the greater offence!

 

Oh, and also, around the same time as the change in attitude towards our relationship and the renewed love for me, he deleted most of the accounts, and now just has two or three.

 

And finally, he also has a facebook account which he didnt tell me about, i added him but he hasnt accepted me as a friend (he might just not know how to do it, he hasnt accepted a couple of other people either) i also log onto this, and he messages a few friends, nothing sinister. One is his ex girlfriend, but they will always be close as they were together about 6 years. she is now happily married, and their messages give me no cause for concern, except to remind me of his vastly greater past than my own. But when i asked him why he didnt accept me he said he stopped using the account. I checked, and sure enough, he had deleted it. Then a few days later he reactivated it, still no accept though. It just seems odd.

 

I am sooo sorry for the unforgivably long post, but please please PLEASE any advice would be much appreciated!

[ElvenPriestess]

Ok, let's look at the facts here. First he gets hit on by another girl. He goes to a movie with some one he KNOWS has a huge thing for him. They kiss. He tells you, says he's sorry. Says no to her texts and so forth. Then two, when you aren't in town he goes to a party where she is at. Then three, she shows up a the house. As you say, how would she know where he lives?

 

Then it turns out that the person he KNOWS is obsessed with him has been over to his house, alone with him, with out your prior knowledge or acceptance, and while you are away. Again, him all knowing her intentions and motives, which are not above reproach. And neither is them being at his place alone.

 

So after these "hidden truths" come out he apologizes. You choose to find it in your heart to accept. Then you, obviously having had your trust violated, need some kind of assurance and hence you check his emails and such. After discovering more things you haven't been told about you ask him if he uses such sites. AGAIN he lies to you. He's sneaking these things behind your back, and lied to your face.

 

Then the facebook thing, says he's deleted it, which is why no friend acceptance. He reactivates thinking you'll not check again. Again, being sneaky.

 

Those are the facts. You are asking first if you are in the wrong for checking up on him. Well I agree with what you've done, being that I have done the same. And I've found things I KNOW I would never have been told about which completely disrespect the relationship.

 

Now reviewing all I've said, you can probably reevaluate and see that he's a lying sneak. He's violated your trust on numerous accounts, and he leads a secret part of his life to which he keeps you in the dark about. I would seriously consider confronting him. Tell him flat out what you know, what you have seen, that he's lied, and make him explain himself.

 

And after the same repeated apology over and over again, don't accept that. He may apologize, but needs to not EVER do these things again. Needs to let you see his emails and messages when ever you want. Needs to say "get out of my life forever good bye" to that other girl.

 

After confronting him he needs to do everything in his power to earn your trust back and prove to you that he's changed those behaviors. Lying, deception, sneaking, and not being upfront are things that disrespect you, show a lack of care for your relationship, and are completely unacceptable in any relationship. I'm very sorry to you for dealing with this kind of crap. I confronted when I dealt with this, and it wasn't pleasant, but the cloak and dagger games were done. It has to come out. Be strong, you're worth more than to be lied to.

[littlekitty]

I see red flags all over the place!!!

 

He lies - until he's caught out!

He hides things from you.

He's kissing someone else and then seeing them when you are out of town.

He only admits what he has to when confronted with the truth.

He's flirting with gay men? Even if it's not gone any where, or he admits he isn't gay, this still isn't normal?

He has signed up to dating sites since you have been together and all through your relationship. Doesn't matter a jot to me that he's never met anyone from these sites. He shouldn't be on there in the first place.

 

All these things are bothering you, or you wouldn't be here asking about them.

 

I think you need to sit down and tell him everything you know and have all this out with him. Even if there is a possibility it would mean it's all over.

 

These concerns will continue to grow until it effects your relationship even more. It might end either way, because you won't be able to trust anything he says to you. Seems you can't now anyway.

 

So why not get it all out in the open?

[ahah2322]

ditch him. for i would when he kissed another girl. it amazes me how you can be with this lying bf of yours for sucha long time.

[hendersongirl]

thanks for your replies everyone, does nobody think i should stay with him? sure- it has been a tough year, but can people change?

 

he honestly seems to have changed. he has told her never to contact him again etc, deleted her email address, msn, phone number, blocked her etc etc.

 

i seriously doubt he ever had feelings for her. just liked the attention and had no willpower. he has broken down almost to tears when saying how lucky he has been. she is definitely no longer a problem, i am not worried about her. shes just an obsessive bitch.

 

"Needs to let you see his emails and messages when ever you want."

-I dont think anyone has the right to demand to read people's messages. I would rather just trust him.

 

"it amazes me how you can be with this lying bf of yours for sucha long time."

-I am in love with him. Remember that the time with the kiss he came to me about it. I didnt 'catch' him out. it was only recently, with the party and the home visit. That was genuine catching him out. Surely people's relationships survive worse than this? Hillary Clinton?

 

I've never even met, let alone been with, anybody like him in my life. I know this may sound arrogant, but he is the only person I've ever met who is more intelligent than me. Nobody, as far back as I can remember, could keep up with my conversation. He can give me a run for my money, we debate the meaning of life and the nature of the mind and the soul until the small hours of the morning, literally for 12 hours. And that's just where I start to like him... He is sweet, but manly. Sexy. Makes me laugh. etc etc. This may sound very corny but I never even believed in souls until I met him and he made mine move so I could feel it. I always scoffed at anything like psychic powers or voodoo like that, but we undeniably have a psychic connection. We are soulmates.

 

Enough soppy stuff, as for the dating sites. The only one he still regularly uses is one where we are listed as a couple, with our true information except for our names. To be fair, we did discuss having a threesome, and he said he had a fantasy of watching me with another man. We talked about how it would work, and I agreed, under a few conditions etc. He said he would sign up on a dating website to find somebody. However, he never told me that he had, I just discovered it on his email. Then I asked him casually if he had, and he said no. Why?? i dont know. All the conversations had been honest, discussing us not him, and he would always say he would check with me first etc etc. But shortly after that he had a small breakdown and decided it wouldnt be a holy thing to do. He wanted us to stay holy. He stopped going onto the account for over a month, and just a couple of weeks ago logged in again for the first time, mostly just taking the mickey out of the men who sent us pictures of their 'throbbing member' and stuff. It's just the occasional conversation where he says "nice ass" or "very sexy" to pictures people send.

 

Confronting him is honestly not an option unless I am sure I want it to be over. He would see snooping as unforgivable.

 

Hope this helps??

[Geishawhelk]

thanks for your replies everyone, does nobody think i should stay with him?

 

Absolutely, definitely, completely NOT. Leave. Quit. Go.

 

or better still, tell him to Leave. Quit. Go.

 

 

....Confronting him is honestly not an option unless I am sure I want it to be over. He would see snooping as unforgivable.

 

...but obviously you see his unfaithfulness, lying, cheating and witholding as ok?

 

 

Well, you go girl...

He's an Ace-whole. And you know what they say....

 

Once an Ace-whole, always an Ace-whole.

 

Enjoy him as best you can.

of course, others will too.

But that's ok.

Just don't go snooping.

Edited January 17, 2008 by Geishawhelk
Ace-whole is allowed, it seems....!!

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

Is it just me or does this guy sound like the king of sleaze? A middle-aged guy cheating on his much younger girlfriend with an even younger and barely legal girl? More than once? (Yes, he cheated on you with her once and you forgave him, so why wouldn't he do it again when she came over to his house to "watch movies"?)

 

On the other hand, snooping is always wrong, but if he'd break up with you over that, it would only be because of the guilt/shame at being found out. You deserve so much better than that.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Of course, everyone makes mistakes. But there’s a difference between learning from them and continuing to repeat them.

 

Giving him a second chance may or may not have been a mistake on your part. In the best case scenario, it could have very well gone the other way. But continuing to be permissive about behavior that is clearly outside of what you find acceptable is more of an injustice to yourself than anything you have already allowed someone else to do to you.

 

So just how much of yourself are you willing to sacrifice just for the sake of being with this one particular fellow? And just when do YOU start to matter in the relationships you create for yourself? :confused:

[kitty_candy_4040]

WOW you poor thing-at 20 years old going through all this is crazy! I feel for ya girl. But I can understand why you would snoop-but it really isn't fair to him. HOWEVER...you did find something that would most definitely disturb me. The fact that he is still on dating websites and he's still logging into a few of them would make me think that he's not 100% for me at the moment. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but esp. if he's on a gay dating website, to me it seems he doesn't know what he wants right now...

[hendersongirl]

everyone seems to be in agreement that i should get rid of him...

i had another look just now, and he hasnt been on any of them except the one that we are listed as a couple, and i read the conversations he's been having with a couple of people, and he's been telling them how much he loves me and how he doesnt want to have a threesome any more because he thinks it will be damaging to our relationship and he is enjoying strengthening our relationship in other ways.

i honestly know that he loves me and respects me and is really into this relationship working. now i wish he'd change his passwords so that i am no longer tempted to snoop, because i fear that one day he'll catch me and that'll be the end. besides the fact that i just plain know it is wrong and i feel guilty... in the last few months, i have found absolutely nothing to be concerned about, (except that he's making friends on dating websites...) but im becoming addicted to checking anyway... reading his mail from family, friends etc.

i know i can trust him now, i have no doubt about that. but my heart isnt quite so quick to forgive. its a little more hesitant.

sorry that was probably largely meaningless ramble. but its distracting me from checking his emails. this must be what its like to be addicted to drugs.

[Geishawhelk]

I'm sorry to say this - truly I am - but sincerely, I think you are being very foolish. I wouldn't trust him as far as I can throw him.

There is a deeply nagging feeling in me that you are in love with the desire to be in love, and to be loved.

 

Sweetheart - he is a crock!!

If he loves you as much as he says he does - why has he not just left those forums alone completely?

Why doesn't he just stop and dedicate his time to you?

 

And you do NOT trust him.

if you did, accessing his email just wouldn't be an issue for you.

[StartingOver07]

I see red flags all over the place.

 

I know you posted in the hopes that someone would tell you that you should trust him, stay with him, etc. I can't do that in good faith.

 

This man may have many qualities you are drawn to. He may indeed be the first man you have truly loved or truly felt "whole" with or truly fel you could relate to so well. But he also has a fatal flaw: he needs the attention of others to validate himself on some level. This explains why he allowed himself to be seduced (to whatever extent) by the 18yo and why he was on 10 different dating sites and why he is still engaging in conversations with others. Unless he is going to get help for this behavior, it is not something he will simply outgrow. Nor will he just change as a result of the force of his love for you, much as you want to believe that this can happen.

 

Rather, I guarantee that there will be other incidents, they will be bigger in nature, and that he will continue a pattern of having such incidents, being caught and crying/begging for forgiveness. He may indeed feel great love for you and may realize that what he is doing jeopardizes the relationship but I suspect he is not able to stop this behavior for any length of time, although he may become more adept at hiding it.

 

If you can't/won't confront him and insist that he get help, then you need to get out as this will get worse, not better.

[Geishawhelk]

everyone seems to be in agreement that i should get rid of him...

Well, I'm sorry to point out the obvious to you, but if everyone is telling you that you are in a burning building, and the flames are licking higher, the celings are caving in, it's getting decidedly hot and there is a really strong smell of burning... are you going to believe the one and only person who says that it's ok, it's just a burning match - or are you going to get the hell out of there....?!

i know i can trust him now, i have no doubt about that. but my heart isnt quite so quick to forgive. its a little more hesitant.

As I said (and I'm sorry to be in here again, after posting so recently) you don't trust him, not a bit. This is called a nagging doubt. It's not about forgiveness... it's about listening to your instinct for Survival - which is what this feeling is.... We are so hesitant, so reluctant to listen to our instincts - our gut feelings.... we would prefer to push those aside and concentrate on our logic, our intellect, our ability to reason. I see so many posts on here from too many broken hearts who relied on reason to justify and calculate.

 

Big mistake. Huge.

Your gut instinct is telling you this is reaching its end. As everything does.

Maybe you should consider giving up gracefully, and moving on.

Always follow the Law of Nature. And this is Nature's way of saying: Walk away!!

[HisLove]

So when is he logging into this site? When you're not around?

 

Of course he seems wonderful to you...he is so much older and seems to have so much experience...such a vast past (is that how you put it??). He sounds like a scuzzbucket to me, where a woman of his own maturity and point in life wouldn't put up with his crap. So many times you see younger women being swept off their feet...of course 20 year old guys don't hold a candle to him.

 

He is lying to you day in and day out. You can lie without actually saying anything. It's called lying by omission. I bet you've only scratched the surface of what he's doing. That's only because (a) the girl showed up at his house while you were there (you wouldn't have found out otherwise) and (b) you've gone delving into his stuff. I don't know any purely heterosexual male who dabbles in gay dating sites out of 'curiosity'. Do you dabble in lesbian dating sites? And that reminds me...he thought he could watch you with another guy...my bet is he was more interested in the guy part under the guise of you condoning it. Pay particular attention to what the girl said when she turned up at his house 'how could you do this to me?' - does that sound like something a woman would say to a man who had told her he wasn't interested in her?

 

The fact that you have to delve is the reason to leave. Not because of what he is doing. There is no trust and that's all that matters. I think your instinct is guiding you perfectly. Listen to it. It will serve you well.

 

Finally, as for the separate rooms thing. My bet is he is trolling sites or acting single and can honestly tell people that yes you live together but you don't share a bedroom. Think about it.

 

Don't throw away years snooping and trying to feel comfortable with a known liar. I have a daughter pretty close to your age. She is too busy with university and working and enjoying life to get bogged down with this crap. She is not short of suitors, she just doesn't have time for anybody except herself right now.