Porn

[luvstarved]

There is nothing wrong with having a drink if you are not an alcoholic.

There is nothing wrong with masturbating/fantasizing/looking at porn if it is occasional, for variety, is not bothersome or objectionable to your SO and does not interfere with your sex life with them.

 

I find it amazing how people seem to firmly believe that porn is either inherently a-ok or completely unacceptable. It isn't. It can be enjoyed for harmless fun, true. But it does have the potential to be addictive and cause a problem in relationships. And because of the knee-jerk attitudes and people jumping to conclusions about how their SOs feel about it (from both sides), it is hard to talk about openly and honestly.

[carhill]

This is why we women hate men look at porn, he will become a selfish lover, or a non-lover, and degrade sex

 

The brain is the best sex organ, if your sex life is dull, you have to work on heart and mind

 

Husbands, stop being selfish and begin to really care and love your wife, and your wife will jump at you

 

As much as I would love that very well-intentioned generality to be true, alas, it is subjective to each relationship. I use UseNet as a last resort of self-gratification, when connecting with my wife (heart and mind) fails or frustrations in bed (biggest one is she is satisfied and rolls over, leaving me hanging) overwhelm me.

 

I don't find porn attractive at all, but it visually stimulates me while I think about someone I'm emotionally close to, hopefully my wife.

 

That's the problem with generalities; people aren't generalists, they're specifists. We're all unique.

 

Porn built the commercial internet, didn't you know? LOL

[shadowofman]

Why do men always do this food/sex analogy? You are talking about a person, who you supposedly love. How can you equate this person to a steak, however juicy, that you just couldn't manage to eat every night. Women are not food!

 

It's one of those idioms/metaphors you love so much Annieo. You see we concider sex to be a consumable. It's all part of objectification, and a seperation of love and sex. And it's a better metaphor then comparing a woman to cake or a cow, like the common phrases females use.

[MakeItCount]

Riiiiiight. I'm sure that your wife, and your mutual emotional closeness is the first thing on your mind as you're pulling your pud in front of the computer.

 

Oh, and porn isn't "attractive" but it does "stimulate" you? Hahahahahahaha!

 

Definitely a "unique" way to look at it, LOL!

 

 

 

 

As much as I would love that very well-intentioned generality to be true, alas, it is subjective to each relationship. I use UseNet as a last resort of self-gratification, when connecting with my wife (heart and mind) fails or frustrations in bed (biggest one is she is satisfied and rolls over, leaving me hanging) overwhelm me.

 

I don't find porn attractive at all, but it visually stimulates me while I think about someone I'm emotionally close to, hopefully my wife.

 

That's the problem with generalities; people aren't generalists, they're specifists. We're all unique.

 

Porn built the commercial internet, didn't you know? LOL

[carhill]

I understand you can only see things through the eyes of your experiences. It's a common issue. We're covering that right now in therapy, since my wife comes from an abusive background.

 

Nice try though

[annieo]

It's one of those idioms/metaphors you love so much Annieo. You see we concider sex to be a consumable. It's all part of objectification, and a seperation of love and sex. And it's a better metaphor then comparing a woman to cake or a cow, like the common phrases females use.

 

Shadowofman, you remembered! Now women love that, by the way, when a man remembers the little details, and teases them ever so gently about them .

Ahem, back to the thread. I think the alcohol/porn analogy was apt. A glass of wine, or even four or five now and then, is not a big deal, probably even healthy. But if you are drinking to the exclusion of all other pleasurable activities, that's a relationship killer.

I think women should try to look at their partner's porn habits realistically, avoiding the knee-jerk jealous response that I think many of us (me included!) are prone to.

Sisters, ask yourself a few questions:

1. Do we still have sex, and it's fun, gratifying and often enough that is acceptable to both of us?

2. Do you wake up in the middle of the night several times a week to find your h at the keyboard, crusty sock and lube at the ready?

3. Has you h suggested that your appearance/behavior in bed (e.g., no false body parts, extensions, lack of lighting, make-up and platform heels, super- loud, possibly fake, orgasms, when he touches your breast) are making him want you less?

4. Refer back to number one. That's the most important one.

 

If answer to 1 is yes, and to 2 and 3 is no, relax. And maybe watch a little porn when you're alone and crank off a few yourself. It can be quick and interesting fun. There are a lot of attractive, physically gifted men in porn. They aren't all Ron Jeremy. And some of the girls are pretty cute, too.

On the other hand (pardon the pun), if you are lying in bed at night on a regular basis, alone, horny and fuming mad, have a little educational conversation with partner. In my experience (personal and observed), unhappy women don't stay forever in unfulfilling relationships. He should be made aware of this in explicit, easy to understand terms.

Well, time to log off. The kids/h aren't home for a bit and well....

[JerseyShortie]

nothing wrong with watching porn. there is no need for secrecy. he should be allowed to watch porn as and when he wants to. in essence, it is alright for him to watch it unless it involves long hours (addiction) or overly-disturbing genres. you should learn to accept and be cool with it. it's one thing to have your own moral judgements about pornography and its another to impose such puritan stand on others. the latter is just NOT FAIR.

 

 

It's funny that you tell her that it's one thing to have your own morals and another to impose "such puritan stand on others", when you yourself are doing just that and imposing your own standards on others. Telling her she should "learn to accept and be cool with it", you are by default forcing your own opinions on her and telling her what she should do based on your own standards. Maybe he should learn to accept to live without it and be cool with it more othen she should learn to accept and live with it.

 

 

For the life of me I can not figure out why husbands still seek porn even though their wives want to have sex with them on a regular basis.

 

Because men are never happy with what they have and no matter how much a woman loves him and tries to take care of him, it obviously is never good enough for him. So why should a woman try to begin with?

 

 

Thanks for being a reasonable female. Glad to see that not all the females on here are prudes.

 

Maybe if you took the time to really read and really try to understand where some of the ladies are coming from you wouldn't feel the need to shame them for their beliefs by calling them "prudes".

 

Women aren't always effected by porn the same way men are. Porn doesn't showcase these perfectly fit men with implants who make millions of dollars and make love like Casonova. It does however exploit women for every inherent insecurity we have about our bodies. We wonder if we aren't good enough for our man. How can we complete with the 18 year old with implants? And the next one around the corner..and the next..and the next. How can a man expect a woman to feel good and sexy enough when that is what he is looking at? How can a man expect a his woman to feel more close to him knowing that he is looking at other women and thinking about them? This can be a very painful and hurtful topic for women and putting them down and trying to shame us by calling us "prudes" is unfair and not even correct.

 

I understand how the OP feels. We want our men to love us, care for us, treat us like we are special and beautiful. But instead they rather look at porn. I guess that is how "masculinty" seems to be defined today, by how much porn a man can look at. Not by the relationship he builds with the woman he claims he loves.

[annieo]

I understand how the OP feels. We want our men to love us, care for us, treat us like we are special and beautiful. But instead they rather look at porn. I guess that is how "masculinty" seems to be defined today, by how much porn a man can look at. Not by the relationship he builds with the woman he claims he loves.

 

What if they do love you, care for you, etc.. But they still look at porn occasionally? What if they look at porn, but still have a healthy sex drive directed towards us? What then? Is this damaging to the core relationship?

What if I, the woman, looks at porn?

[JerseyShortie]

What if they do love you, care for you, etc.. But they still look at porn occasionally? What if they look at porn, but still have a healthy sex drive directed towards us? What then? Is this damaging to the core relationship?

What if I, the woman, looks at porn?

 

 

It's damanging if his partner is hurt by it. It's really that simple. Just like with anything, if one partner is effected negitively by the other's behavior, it is going to be damaning to the core of the relationship.

 

I think a man is able to love a woman and care for her and still look at porn. But I also think that it's very normal and natural for a woman not to "feel" that love and care, even if her SO truly does, when she knows that he has been looking at porn. Actions matter. And for many women, the action of looking at porn doesn't make a woman feel loved and secure with her relationship with her man.

 

I also think that he is denying her something as well and not giving her, his own woman, the respect she deserves. I would add that I think he is looking out for his needs first and number one.

 

I also don't consider "porn" as healthy as some seem to. I don't really know what about "porn" is healthy where it sets up false expectations and in a nut shell, treats women like they are only worth how fast they can spread their legs and how many times they can be called "sl*t" or "b*tch". And as a woman, it is sad to watch the man you care for enjoy seeing other women treated with little regard. Just like I am sure men wouldn't enjoy seeing their own SO treat men with little regard and respect. But for some reason, women are suppose to be okay with this and still have trust and faith in their man. It's backwards.

 

As for the question about women who look at porn. I don't know how to answer that honestly. I am more hurt knowing my man was looking at porn then some nameless female I don't know. That could be because I hold men to a different standard. And I think that I should hold men to a different standard since they are the ones I am having romantic relationships with.

[Tomcat33]

But I also think that it's very normal and natural for a woman not to "feel" that love and care, even if her SO truly does, when she knows that he has been looking at porn. Actions matter. And for many women, the action of looking at porn doesn't make a woman feel loved and secure with her relationship with her man.

 

That's the woman's issues NOT his. If he does it once in a while and it does not interfere with the sexual relationship and he is still very much interested in a full and healthy sexual relationship with his woman, there is no reason a woman should oppose to her man looking at it once in a while.

 

It boils down to control, and it's like Annieo proposed, if he is giving you everything you need in terms of a healthy mutual sexual relationship, why would you be so controlling to not allow your man a little escape once in a while? We all need a little escape from time to time.

 

Gees marriage/relationships are not imprisonment, it is a shared life but you are still TWO individual people who are seperate and who have seperate needs from time to time, if you can't accept that maybe you should not be in a relationship with someone.

 

I think porn is fine once in a while and if he wants to please himself when I am not around once in a while, who cares. But then again I feel pretty good about myself sexually speaking and in terms of body issues, I have mine and I know there are waaaay better bodies out there but who cares, I love my body and I make sure I show it, everything else is just fantasy to be left right on the computer screen for a little escape from time to time. It's innocuous.

 

The more you prohibit something from a man the more he reverts into a childlike state of wanting to rebel against his "mommy". Personally I will NEVER be a mommy to a man the moment you are seen as "mommy" is the moment you have killed the sexual attraction. THAT is what kills the sexual relationship not his use of porn from time to time.

Edited February 22, 2008 by Tomcat33

[blind_otter]

It is so bizarre that there are like 10,000 threads on this subject. I guess we'll never really reach an agreement.

 

I personally agree with the addiction idea - IMO if your partner is addicted to anything (video games, work, alcohol, pornography) it's like they're cheating on you - with an inanimate object.

 

But if they are NOT addicted to it (addiction = using their drug of choice to the exclusion of other things, using obsessively, that kind of thing) then I don't see what the big deal is.

 

You gotta choose your battles in a relationship. If it's not causing a problem in your sec life, there's no reason to harp on it or feel insecure about it.

[fral945]

Why do men always do this food/sex analogy? You are talking about a person' date=' who you supposedly love. How can you equate this person to a steak, however juicy, that you just couldn't manage to eat every night. Women are not food![/quote']

 

The urges are the same, that's the point I'm trying to make. This is just the objective reality.

 

 

It's one of those idioms/metaphors you love so much Annieo. You see we concider sex to be a consumable. It's all part of objectification' date=' and a seperation of love and sex. And it's a better metaphor then comparing a woman to cake or a cow, like the common phrases females use.[/quote']

 

Exactly shadowofman. Just to expand on your point, I have sexual urges for women I don't even like. Not sure if it's that way with women, but sexual attraction and desire for men has little to do with liking the person. Doesn't mean I would sleep with them, but the urge is there.

 

 

Women aren't always effected by porn the same way men are. Porn doesn't showcase these perfectly fit men with implants who make millions of dollars and make love like Casonova. It does however exploit women for every inherent insecurity we have about our bodies. We wonder if we aren't good enough for our man. How can we complete with the 18 year old with implants? And the next one around the corner..and the next..and the next. How can a man expect a woman to feel good and sexy enough when that is what he is looking at? How can a man expect a his woman to feel more close to him knowing that he is looking at other women and thinking about them? This can be a very painful and hurtful topic for women and putting them down and trying to shame us by calling us "prudes" is unfair and not even correct.

 

I understand how the OP feels. We want our men to love us, care for us, treat us like we are special and beautiful. But instead they rather look at porn. I guess that is how "masculinty" seems to be defined today, by how much porn a man can look at. Not by the relationship he builds with the woman he claims he loves.

 

I agree women aren't affected by porn the same. If that was the case, women would watch it as much as we men do.

 

You really shouldn't compare yourself to porn stars. Your man in with you because of the total package you bring. Don't you think we men have insecurities as well? There is always a younger, taller, more handsome, more romantic, richer man around the corner. Do you think I worry about that? No. That's just a reality of life, there is always someone better than you at something. You can only make the best with what you have and hope that the person will love you for everything you bring to the table.

 

I don't think you realize how well men compartmentalize. When I'm watching porn, I'm watching for pure physical stimulation. I don't care about the women I am watching. When I'm with a real women (or anywhere) I rarely to almost never think about the porn I was watching previously. I'm probably thinking about the women I'm with, or the attractive woman in the store, etc. Sex and love to me (and I would guess most men) are not synonymous.

 

Sex is part of a loving relationship, yes, but I also love a woman for the good non-physical qualities she has.

 

 

I also don't consider "porn" as healthy as some seem to. I don't really know what about "porn" is healthy where it sets up false expectations and in a nut shell, treats women like they are only worth how fast they can spread their legs and how many times they can be called "sl*t" or "b*tch". And as a woman, it is sad to watch the man you care for enjoy seeing other women treated with little regard. Just like I am sure men wouldn't enjoy seeing their own SO treat men with little regard and respect. But for some reason, women are suppose to be okay with this and still have trust and faith in their man. It's backwards.

 

I think your false expectations arguement is pretty weak. Yes, it could, but it goes both ways. Women are given false or inflated expectations as well (financial, romantic, etc.) of what to expect from men all the time. It could be from Cosmo, from family or friends, TV, etc. That's why a lot of women (and men, for that matter) nowadays are single into their 30s and 40s. Overinflated expectations. They want the whole nine yards.

 

Yes, the women in porn might be more attractive to you SO, but so what? We're not having sex with the porn star. If he's having sex with you and enjoying it you shouldn't have anything to worry about. If he's not or prefers the porn, that's another issue. Trust me when I say most men prefer the real thing.

[JerseyShortie]

It boils down to control, and it's like Annieo proposed, if he is giving you everything you need in terms of a healthy mutual sexual relationship, why would you be so controlling to not allow your man a little escape once in a while?

 

But if a woman has an issue with it, then obviously he isn't giving her everything she needs in term of a healthy mutual relationship. Now that obiviously wouldn't be the case for you, and that is fine. But it would be for a woman that does have an issue with it. And telling her she just needs to get over it because that is how *you* would eal with it, isn't fair.

 

You also talk about "control". The other side of the coin is that it could also be about "control" for him as well. Since I do think men feel a certain level of control over the fact that they have porn and I think they do feel like it gives them the upper hand.

 

The more you prohibit something from a man the more he reverts into a childlike state of wanting to rebel against his "mommy".

 

I don't think anyone here said they "prohibited" another grown adult to do anything. A woman not wanting it in her relationship is completely her choice and has nothing to do with prohibiting it.

 

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You really shouldn't compare yourself to porn stars. Your man in with you because of the total package you bring. Don't you think we men have insecurities as well?

 

And I want him to be with me for the total package. But I also want to be the most beautiful woman to him. I am not asking for alot. I am not asking for that attention from other men. Just him. Most women feel the same way. They want to be the most beautiful woman to their man. Every woman deserves to have that. No woman feels good knowing that her SO is with her because he likes her sense of humor but he really wants to be having sex the girl in the movie. And I think that is doing a great disservice to your SO. But that is exactly what alot of men do to their own women.

 

And yes, I know men have insecurities. Luckily, women aren't sitting around masturbating to them and then telling him he is the "whole" package but she really likes the guys over here. I think if we did, we would have more insecure men.

 

 

I don't think you realize how well men compartmentalize.

 

In turn, I don't think you realize how women interconnect everything. Which is just important as understanding how men compartmentalize. And I don't really consider that a valid excuse why it's okay for a man in a relationship to have his cake and eat it too by having a loving woman and all the porn he wants.

 

 

When I'm with a real women (or anywhere) I rarely to almost never think about the porn I was watching previously. I'm probably thinking about the women I'm with, or the attractive woman in the store, etc. Sex and love to me (and I would guess most men) are not synonymous.

 

Well then, every woman should be satasified with that! You almost never think about porn but at least you are thinking about the attractive women in the store. Lol! It is so obvious men are just never happy with what they have and you can never win with them. Must be nice for men. Just to interchangably use women to feed your own ego and then turn around and use your SO for the same thing and not think about what she needs.

 

 

 

Yes, the women in porn might be more attractive to you SO, but so what? We're not having sex with the porn star. If he's having sex with you and enjoying it you shouldn't have anything to worry about. If he's not or prefers the porn, that's another issue. Trust me when I say most men prefer the real thing.

 

Do you honestly think this is suppose to make all those women out there with hurt bout porn feel better? He might think the other women are attractive but so what? Just shut up and deal with it kind of thing huh. I am sorry but I don't consider it any kind of compliment or "relief" that he finds them more attractive but is with his SO because she happens to be the girl with him. How much more crappy and insensitive and disrespectful can you treat a woman? Especially the woman you claim you love.

 

As I said, there isn't one woman here that doesn't want to be beatiful and sexy to her SO. And if you think it's any kind of nice comment to a woman to say the things you just did, you don't understand women at all. Maybe this is why women don't give men sex anymore or try to please them. There is really no point since men obviously are never happy with what they have. After all, men really just want their porn AND their SO. It's not like they should actually treat their SO with respect of anything. Way to build women up and make them feel like giving men good relationships! *rolleyes*

[blind_otter]

I don't think anyone here said they "prohibited" another grown adult to do anything. A woman not wanting it in her relationship is completely her choice and has nothing to do with prohibiting it.

 

S: (v) forbid, prohibit, interdict, proscribe, veto, disallow, nix (command against) "I forbid you to call me late at night"

 

By definition, telling your partner he is not allowed to watch porn is prohibiting it. Just saying.

 

But I also want to be the most beautiful woman to him. I am not asking for alot. I am not asking for that attention from other men. Just him. Most women feel the same way. They want to be the most beautiful woman to their man.

 

I dunno 'bout all THAT. I think that is a totally unrealistic expectation. I sure don't expect to be "the most beautiful woman" for my partner, just like he isn't the most handsome man. I am with him for A LOT more than his looks. There will always be someone who is more physically attractive than me. I am pragmatic and realize that.

 

And yes, I know men have insecurities. Luckily, women aren't sitting around masturbating to them and then telling him he is the "whole" package but she really likes the guys over here. I think if we did, we would have more insecure men.

 

HAH! My SO caught me looking at hot firemen with no shirts on the other day. He just laughed. Now he jokes about it. He'll walk into the room with his shirt off and say "I hear there's a fire that needs puttin' out, ma'am!" And I just crack up. What a pain in the ass it would be if he came to me whining about how hot firemen make him feel insecure.

[Tomcat33]

S

 

HAH! My SO caught me looking at hot firemen with no shirts on the other day. He just laughed. Now he jokes about it. He'll walk into the room with his shirt off and say "I hear there's a fire that needs puttin' out, ma'am!" And I just crack up. What a pain in the ass it would be if he came to me whining about how hot firemen make him feel insecure.

 

 

Oh my god you made me LOL BO that was absolutely hilarious!!! :lmao:

Your guy sounds like a hoot, well you sound like you both have fun together.

 

But if a woman has an issue with it, then obviously he isn't giving her everything she needs in term of a healthy mutual relationship. Now that obiviously wouldn't be the case for you, and that is fine. But it would be for a woman that does have an issue with it. And telling her she just needs to get over it because that is how *you* would eal with it, isn't fair.

 

Well let me ask you this since you are so dead against it and 100% not willing to budge on this issue, do you discuss your aversion to porn openingly and freely in the dating stages when you are with a man? Do you let him know that one of your needs is and will always be that he never look at porn? If so, and you are both on the same page, then there is no reason whatsoever why he should later lie to you about this. OR people do change and he may decide later on her is into it afterall, in which case you have every right to move on and find another man who feels as strongly about it as you do.

 

 

You also talk about "control". The other side of the coin is that it could also be about "control" for him as well. Since I do think men feel a certain level of control over the fact that they have porn and I think they do feel like it gives them the upper hand.

 

Honestly, and I am not talking about porn addicts who have deep seated issues with their addictions, but I highly doubt the average guy that likes to escape to porn is thinking this deeply about it. I think he just wants to get off to some hot chicks doing stuff you don't normally do in the average bed/rel.

 

and guess what? and this is the kicker that should help put at ease some of your insecurities, EVEN if you looked/were built exactly like one of those chicks from the porn world, I bet he would STILL like to look at other women to get off on and escape on. Why? because that is what fantasy is, an escape from reality adding some variety to your everyday life. So learn to love your body and don't worry so much about what your guy thinks about other women. There will ALWAYS be more beautiful women than you, even the most beautiful of women has a woman who is more beautiful than them (and it's the same for guys) So stop worrying about something you really cannot control and will not change. This is very much about control, it's about wanting to control what a man feels, and thinks just because he swears you are the ONE. You don't own him you own his commitment to you but not him as a human being. And if his choice of using porn infringes on your rights then do something about it, other than nagging or trying to stop him.

 

 

I don't think anyone here said they "prohibited" another grown adult to do anything. A woman not wanting it in her relationship is completely her choice and has nothing to do with prohibiting it.

 

Well if you don't want it in your relationship and he does, what is the answer? Spy on him so that when he does and says he wasn't you can blow up on him, driving an even bigger wedge between the two of you only making him want to escape even more?

 

Again, was this discussed in the courting stages of your rel? If so then he obviously lied to you and you have every right to reassess your needs not being met and do something about if you wish to. People make pacts all the time in relationships but sticking to them is an ongoing battle and at some point you have to decide, like someone said what battle is worth fighting for and which isn't and if the battles outweigh the relationhsip it may be time to move on.

 

 

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And I want him to be with me for the total package. But I also want to be the most beautiful woman to him. I am not asking for alot. I am not asking for that attention from other men. Just him. Most women feel the same way. They want to be the most beautiful woman to their man. Every woman deserves to have that. No woman feels good knowing that her SO is with her because he likes her sense of humor but he really wants to be having sex the girl in the movie. And I think that is doing a great disservice to your SO. But that is exactly what alot of men do to their own women.

 

Well sorry to burst your bubble but you may be the most beautiful woman to him but he may still find a ton of women to be really hot, meaning sexually speaking there could be other women that he also finds very stimulating to look at it's a fact of life and you will seriously give yourself and ulcer if you don't accept that for what it is. There are all sorts of people hotter, and better looking than us and to think our partner can think ONLY we are goodlooking or sexually appealing, is just setting yourself up for HUGE dissapointment because it just isn't so.

 

 

If you are with the type of man that is constantly looking at other women when you are out, never compliments you and has nothing to say to you in terms of how attractive he sees you and ON TOP OF IT he spends a considerable amount of time looking at porn, then perhaps it is time to reevaluate why in the world you are with a man like that? But if it he gives you everything except the porn part (once in a while) gees you have so much more than some of those paper dolls flashing their coochies in gang busts even dream to have.

Prespective, you need a bit of it when dealing with issues such as these.

 

And yes, I know men have insecurities. Luckily, women aren't sitting around masturbating to them and then telling him he is the "whole" package but she really likes the guys over here. I think if we did, we would have more insecure men.

 

 

That is totally true I do agree with this it is easier for men because we don't sit around masturbating to men with money, or super intellectual men who are succesful, or men that are built like adonises so they don't really know what it is like to have their significant others sitting in the other room getting off to other men for the qualities/things they don't have. But still something tells me men might not even mind. They are just wired differently.

 

Try having your guy come home and catch you having phonesex with a strange man off of some sexline, maybe that will cure him and put things into prespective for him? and if he says anything say, "look honey it's all fantasy, I love YOU"

Edited February 22, 2008 by Tomcat33

[norajane]

I don't really know what about "porn" is healthy where it sets up false expectations and in a nut shell, treats women like they are only worth how fast they can spread their legs and how many times they can be called "sl*t" or "b*tch". And as a woman, it is sad to watch the man you care for enjoy seeing other women treated with little regard.

The thing is, porn exists because it reflects what men find erotic in fantasy. And, although you might not like to know about it, fantasy can take people into some darker territory. Just as women might masturbate to a fantasy about a hot fireman gangbang but have absolutely no desire to act it out, men also fantasize about things they would never actually do, especially with/to their wives...the only difference is (IMO), guys have less imagination and prefer to see those fantasies and naked body parts on screen rather than imagining them while they rub one out.

 

My point is, even if porn did not exist at all, ever, men would still be masturbating to thoughts of sluts and bitches, even though that isn't how they always think of sex or of the women in their life.

 

Men can't control what you fantasize about when you masturbate (nor do we want them to!), and they ask that women not try to control what they fantasize about when they masturbate even though it's visual on a screen or magazine rather than just in their heads.

[Jess-Belle]

Out of interest, how many men here who are porn-watching advocates would be perfectly OK with their wife or girlfriend regularly masturbating to images of a sexy, buff man with a huge wang?

 

I ask just because I've seen so many examples in life of guys who feel completely entitled to embrace all of their sexual desires (i.e. porn, pressure to do 3somes), but at the same time, they are severely jealous with their wives/gf, to the point of being accusing even (ex. freaking out because they think their wife is checking out another guy, even if she isn't, etc.). I always thought that was the oddest, most hypocritical thing.

 

I know for a fact (because we've talked about it) that my bf would be extremely upset and feel very jealous and insecure if I masturbated over nudie pics of men. And thinking about it, I doubt any of my exes would have been thrilled with my doing something like that either.

 

So why is it that women are supposed to "just get over it"???

[annieo]

Out of interest, how many men here who are porn-watching advocates would be perfectly OK with their wife or girlfriend regularly masturbating to images of a sexy, buff man with a huge wang?

 

I ask just because I've seen so many examples in life of guys who feel completely entitled to embrace all of their sexual desires (i.e. porn, pressure to do 3somes), but at the same time, they are severely jealous with their wives/gf, to the point of being accusing even (ex. freaking out because they think their wife is checking out another guy, even if she isn't, etc.). I always thought that was the oddest, most hypocritical thing.

 

I know for a fact (because we've talked about it) that my bf would be extremely upset and feel very jealous and insecure if I masturbated over nudie pics of men. And thinking about it, I doubt any of my exes would have been thrilled with my doing something like that either.

 

So why is it that women are supposed to "just get over it"???

 

OK, just asked my h if would mind if I stayed up, one or two nights a week, to rub one off to bigd**ks.com. Or if he would feel hurt/betrayed if he caught me in the act. He says, no, but that he would definitely make fun of me. As I would (have, actually) when he's been "caught" in some slightly complex, props and electronics needed, masturbatory situation.

The fact is, there is something sort of hilarious and mildly pathetic about the image of anyone, male or female, at work on themselves in front of the computer. But then sex, generally, is kind of funny sometimes.

Talking to him just now made me realize that part of the reason he keeps his porn/masturbation to himself is fear of ridicule from me, mild and loving though it may be. The same reason why I do it in private as well. It's not lying, it's just that even within a relationship, I think we all need some measure of privacy. It's just a question of negotiating what the limits are with your SO.

[michelangelo]

It wouldn't bug in the least if my wife were doing as you described.

 

However, if she wanted to do it to the exclusion of intimacy, I would have a problem. As she would if I got that way too.

 

In these "enlightened" times about sex, why is masturbation and the aids to it STILL something people get all wonky about?

 

Out of interest, how many men here who are porn-watching advocates would be perfectly OK with their wife or girlfriend regularly masturbating to images of a sexy, buff man with a huge wang?

 

I ask just because I've seen so many examples in life of guys who feel completely entitled to embrace all of their sexual desires (i.e. porn, pressure to do 3somes), but at the same time, they are severely jealous with their wives/gf, to the point of being accusing even (ex. freaking out because they think their wife is checking out another guy, even if she isn't, etc.). I always thought that was the oddest, most hypocritical thing.

 

I know for a fact (because we've talked about it) that my bf would be extremely upset and feel very jealous and insecure if I masturbated over nudie pics of men. And thinking about it, I doubt any of my exes would have been thrilled with my doing something like that either.

 

So why is it that women are supposed to "just get over it"???

[rainfall]

 

 

Yes, the women in porn might be more attractive to you SO, but so what? We're not having sex with the porn star. If he's having sex with you and enjoying it you shouldn't have anything to worry about. If he's not or prefers the porn, that's another issue. Trust me when I say most men prefer the real thing.

 

 

So what? Why would I want to waste my time with someone who thinks some trashy women is better then me? I have zero respect for any women who is willing to do that so why should I respect a man who views porn trash as more attractive then me?

[annieo]

So what? Why would I want to waste my time with someone who thinks some trashy women is better then me? I have zero respect for any women who is willing to do that so why should I respect a man who views porn trash as more attractive then me?

 

I think that men should try to use the word "different" or "unfamiliar", as opposed to "more attractive", when talking about other women in comparison to their SO. "More attractive", quite rightly, sets most women off.

For many/most men (and here I go again, women, too) that anyone new is "more" attractive. It's not because they are necessarily better looking than their current partner, but they are fresh and not what you are used to. And for fantasy-fodder purposes, this is understandable.

And how attractive are you, men out there, in comparison to the actors in porn (not including the frog-like actors (Ron Jeremy, for example) who are there simply to make "average" guys feel like uber-babes would actually f**k them. They only do it for the money/career purposes. Don't kid yourselves)? If you actually looked at the guys now and then, you'd realize that many of them are toned, hung and reasonably cute.

[Jess-Belle]

It's just a question of negotiating what the limits are with your SO.

 

Yeah I agree. Whatever people are ok with in their relationship, is fine by me! Everyone has different ideas about what is ok or what is a betrayal and what isn't.

 

I really am curious though about those men that are into porn and such but at the same time are so mega mega jealous. What is the rationale?

[Jess-Belle]

It wouldn't bug in the least if my wife were doing as you described.

 

However, if she wanted to do it to the exclusion of intimacy, I would have a problem. As she would if I got that way too.

 

In these "enlightened" times about sex, why is masturbation and the aids to it STILL something people get all wonky about?

 

That's good that you both feel the same way about it. That's what it should be about, right? What I'm saying is, what truly matters is what goes on in your own relationship. If you're both happy with the arrangement, then who can judge?

 

I'm not sure what side of the coint your question about getting wonky was aimed at, but I would have to wonder the same thing, because so many people seem to have this defensive, almost rude reaction towards people who are NOT OK with it. Clearly there are loads of people who feel that it shouldn't be part of their relationship, and that feeling is a valid as the feelings of those who think it's perfectly normal. I believe as long as no one feels disrespected, it's all good.

 

Personally, I almost never masturbate. I don't feel the need to but even in situations where I would, I would prefer to wait and make love with my bf because for me that is the ultimate pleasure. Although we haven't done it, I would be down for watching sexy movies with him as a romantic aid. Every time we're in the bookstore we always wind up giggling over the books on sexual positions and getting super turned on by them. But, I wouldn't be happy with him jerking off to porno all on his own. I would feel threatened, hurt and insecure. Likewise, my bf is a jealous individual who would feel threatened, hurt and insecure if I masturbated over images of other men. That's just us, and luckily we understand each other that way.

[Jess-Belle]

And I want him to be with me for the total package. But I also want to be the most beautiful woman to him. I am not asking for alot. I am not asking for that attention from other men. Just him. Most women feel the same way. They want to be the most beautiful woman to their man. Every woman deserves to have that.

 

I know exactly what you mean, and tbh, I bet a lot of men feel the same way -- they want to be the hottest man to their woman. While some people might say that is theoretically impossible, I say it is possible, and this is how I describe it:

I am tremendously physically attracted to my bf, more than any bf I have had before. I think he is totally hot. Now, are there men out there that are factually more physically attractive then he is? Of course. I have seen photos of male models who are truly stunning. And while I could admit that they have a beautiful face or an incredible body, that doesn't at all mean I am aroused by them. My bf will always be the hottest man in the world to me, because not only do I think he's hot, but I love everything about him. Nothing can compare to that.

 

Nothing wrong with wanting someone to feel that way about you!

 

 

And yes, I know men have insecurities. Luckily, women aren't sitting around masturbating to them and then telling him he is the "whole" package but she really likes the guys over here. I think if we did, we would have more insecure men.

 

There are of course going to be guys who wouldn't be bothered, but I think there's quite a few that would be insecure about it, and they simply take for granted the way society runs. To illustrate, I always try to reverse things in my mind. For example, what if there were 10 male strip joints to every 1 female one? What if there were 50 times more magazines featuring naked airbrushed men rather than ones featuring women? What if it were women that were obsessed with seeing two guys going at it and regularly pressured their men to do it? What if it became so mainstream and such a defining factor of desirability that men felt the need to make out at bars and in clubs? What if there was a MEN GONE WILD empire with scads of men desperate to show off their peens? LOL, when you think about it, it's almost inconceivable! Yet, this is precisely what women live with every day.

 

Lots of guys have fragile, fragile egos, and tbh I think they are lucky that it's still a man's world in these ways.

[JerseyShortie]

You hit it dead on Jess-belle! I am not so stupid to know there are more attractive women then me. That doesn't mean I don't deserve to be the most attractive woman to my man. Just as you said, my boyfriend is the hottest guy to me. Even if there are hotter guys out there.

 

And seriously, men wonder why women are so insecure? Look around at what men that claim they are so committed to their SOs and turn around and are looking for the next new woman to get off too. Just as Jess-Belle said that if men were bombarded with images and places that showcased men, the way women often are. I would also add that what if women were calling men names and treating them like trash and re-usable...all things porn does. WOuld men feel like women respected them very much? No.But then again, men wouldn't stand for it. So why does that happen to women? Why are women allowed to be treated like dirt under "fantasy" and women are suppose to feel so good and insecure with men even when it is obvious that men don't really treat women very nicely there. And watching your husband/boyfriend support somethign that treats women like junk, sucks. *THAT* is the reality of what porn is. Most normal women wouldn't do a porno. Most normal woman don't want to be gang-banged by 5 guys and called a bitch. The women in porn, aren't exactly healthy. And either are the men.

 

 

 

S: (v) forbid, prohibit, interdict, proscribe, veto, disallow, nix (command against) "I forbid you to call me late at night"

 

By definition, telling your partner he is not allowed to watch porn is prohibiting it. Just saying

 

Where in my post did I say I tell my partners they aren't "allowed" to watch porn? No where. But I am allowed to not want it in my relationship. There is a huge difference between me stomping my foot and telling him he can't look at it and me not wanting it a part of my relationship. The first gives him no choice, the second gives him a choice.

 

 

and guess what? and this is the kicker that should help put at ease some of your insecurities, EVEN if you looked/were built exactly like one of those chicks from the porn world, I bet he would STILL like to look at other women to get off on and escape on. Why? because that is what fantasy is, an escape from reality adding some variety to your everyday life.

 

Well maybe that is part of the problem in today's world. The fantasy seems to be just as important as the real life partner in today's world. I don't consider this a matter of only "fantasy". There are too many other things that go into porn, especially now-a-days, that make it more then an issue of fantasy. And boiling it down to only that, is not realistically looking at it. If a man's fantasy is that important to him, then maybe men shouldn't get into "loving" relationships and pretend they actually carea bout their SO.

 

This is very much about control, it's about wanting to control what a man feels, and thinks just because he swears you are the ONE. You don't own him you own his commitment to you but not him as a human being. And if his choice of using porn infringes on your rights then do something about it, other than nagging or trying to stop him

 

On the flip side, his porn use also shouldn't control a woman to "just accept it" either. And him "hiding" it doesn't fix the problem. It only masks it. If porn is that important to men these days, then society is really more bleeped up then I thought.