Post Breakup Jealousy

[jdeedee]

In my last relationship I was very proud of how little jealousy I allowed to surface. Throughout our relationship my ex was very insecure about my feelings for her. I did not begin the relationship properly, I intended to have a fling and it became more so I imagine she always was unsure of my love for her.

 

She tried to use her friendship with other men in order to make her more desirable in my eyes. There was a visible desire for her to see me jealous, I think she wanted to see it to make sure I cared.

 

At some point in the beginning of our relationship, about a month in, she asked if I was a jealous person. I told her no, saying that I trusted her and never saw a reason to be jealous. This kept things fine for some time but there was one specific guy, we'll call him John, that my ex would constantly talk to me about.

 

She would tell me how John wanted to know about our relationship, how John was discussing this or that with her. It went on and on and eventually she pulled the jealousy out of me regarding John. She told me how she was having a bad day and John played music for her on his guitar and she grinned from ear to ear.

 

This hurt me so deeply. I am a musician and she would never complement my musical ability. This was an issue with us, she wouldn't tell me I played well, she wouldn't smile when I played. Then she discussed how wonderful John's guitar was and I flipped into jealous mode.

 

This happened again when she was insecure that I hadn't said "I love you." About four months into the relationship she clearly loved me and I was scared to say the words to her, even though I knew she would reciprocate. She didn't want to say them to me first because of that whole insecurity issue. I came to her house one day and saw a notepad with the words "Tom loves MyEx." Tom is her best friend that I know had a crush on her.

 

I became intensely upset, insecure and jealous about their relationship. Now I know, without a doubt that there was nothing to be jealous about. She wasn't having an emotional affair, she never cheated on me. I have no lack of trust for her.

 

That said, now that we are over, I have an intense jealousy towards Tom, her best friend. He lives across the street from her in her brother's house. He has a girlfriend though it is a long distance relationship, in fact he is visiting his girlfriend as we speak.

 

He is my coworker and every day I see him come to work with breakfast/lunch that her mom cooked for him. I know he is a support system for her, a friend that can help her through whatever she needs but I can't help feel a knot in my stomach when I think they might be intimate together (I know he still has a crush on her).

 

So what am I asking? I have no clue. I just wanted to put my issues in words and hear what people think. This post breakup jealousy towards Tom is really intense and upsetting.

 

The John I mentioned before does not live around her right now so I have no immediate jealousy or worries regarding him, but when he does come back to visit you can be sure I will be upset.

 

I know it's over and she owes nothing to me but I can't help feel anxious sometimes when my mind begins to wander.

[jdeedee]

Anyone have some thoughts?

[Cobra_X30]

Anyone have some thoughts?

 

Here is a thought.

 

Thinking about her is a waste of time. Instead... start working to find someone better!

[tdsm001]

If I'm correct, it sounds like you said the two of you aren't even together anymore.

 

If so then: "If a tree fall in the woods, and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound?"

 

Answer: NO

 

Who cares what she and "Tom" are doing in their neck of the woods. Find you a new and better looking chick, and proudly parade her around for all to see. Even better if your ex should happen to see you and your new "happiness."