ashlyn11 Posted January 18, 2008 Share Posted January 18, 2008 I'm not sure if I posted in the right place but need opinions and if been lurking around on the internet for a few days and decided I needed to post my dilemma. I just found out Christmas Eve 07 my hubby was cheating with another MW. I saw signs 2 years ago but I wasn't sure until now. I found pictures of him and her naked in his phone. I finally decided to take a look one night while he sleeping. He started guarding the phone 24/7 and I'm wondering WTF is he hiding. Anyways I sent them to my email in case he deleted them. I was going to wait for more evidence but I couldn't so I confronted him, he admitted and now he's gone. But Whatever, he was a freakin loser anyways the cheating just put icing on the cake. I filed for divorce last week. I confronted the OW also and she denied it but nearly $hit her pants when I showed her the photos. Well, I want to contact OW hubby. But I'm not sure what risk I'm taking by contacting OW hubby. I want him to know, he should know. But my question for the OW out there is what would you do if you were exposed? Do I need to watch out for OW retaliating? Link to post Share on other sites
luvmy2ns Posted January 18, 2008 Share Posted January 18, 2008 Tell him - tell him NOW. Give him a copy of the photos so he can have as much ammo as he possibly can when he rakes her over the coals in divorce court. Link to post Share on other sites
Cinabon Posted January 18, 2008 Share Posted January 18, 2008 To the OP...I think you should worry about your business. Let them deal with their own. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted January 18, 2008 Share Posted January 18, 2008 Ash- Absolutely pass on the fact that she was cheating with your H to her H. If the roles were reversed and he'd found out first, you'd want him to tell you, yes? No brainer, IMHO. He deserves to know for the same reasons you do/did. As far as repercussions...well, it depends on her personality more than anything else. Just be ready to deal with anything that might come up. Link to post Share on other sites
BeautifulMystique Posted January 18, 2008 Share Posted January 18, 2008 This is tough. Some spouses would rather not know what their SO are doing behind their backs. I would mind my own business and deal with my own, if I were in your shoes. That is just my opinion, of course. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted January 18, 2008 Share Posted January 18, 2008 This is tough. Some spouses would rather not know what their SO are doing behind their backs. I would mind my own business and deal with my own, if I were in your shoes. That is just my opinion, of course. Yes... it is very tough. Do you think not telling is the nice thing to do? I'm not so sure in this case. OP, were our places switched... I'd tell the OW that she has 1 week to tell her H everything... at the end of that week you will provide him all the info you have whether she has told him or not. Link to post Share on other sites
lost4ever Posted January 18, 2008 Share Posted January 18, 2008 I agree with Cobra. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted January 18, 2008 Share Posted January 18, 2008 Do NOT forewarn OP or WS that you're going to expose this to her H!!!! That is the last thing you should do. Given forewarning, its a gaurantee that they're going to do damage control to make you look like some kind of crazed-idiot woman. They'll set the stage to completely discredit anything you tell him. Instead of getting the message this his wife is cheating on him with your H, he's going to think that you're some kind of mentally-deranged stalker. I've seen this happen tons of times. Do NOT ever warn someone that you're going to expose the affair. Either do it, or don't...but don't ever give the enemy your battle plan. If she were going to "come clean" to her H...she would have done so already. You KNOW that they'll lie to protect the affair...its a certainty that they'll do so at your expense if you're threatening their situation. Just do it. Link to post Share on other sites
BeautifulMystique Posted January 18, 2008 Share Posted January 18, 2008 Yes... it is very tough. Do you think not telling is the nice thing to do? I'm not so sure in this case. OP, were our places switched... I'd tell the OW that she has 1 week to tell her H everything... at the end of that week you will provide him all the info you have whether she has told him or not. I really don't know. I wouldn't want to get in between them, you know. Would I still feel the same way if I knew both of them? Or if it was my BBF's husband that cheated on her and somehow I got to know about it, would I tell my BBF? I really don't know... like I said, it's tough. Link to post Share on other sites
luvmy2ns Posted January 18, 2008 Share Posted January 18, 2008 Do NOT forewarn OP or WS that you're going to expose this to her H!!!! That is the last thing you should do. Given forewarning, its a gaurantee that they're going to do damage control to make you look like some kind of crazed-idiot woman. They'll set the stage to completely discredit anything you tell him. Instead of getting the message this his wife is cheating on him with your H, he's going to think that you're some kind of mentally-deranged stalker. I've seen this happen tons of times. Do NOT ever warn someone that you're going to expose the affair. Either do it, or don't...but don't ever give the enemy your battle plan. If she were going to "come clean" to her H...she would have done so already. You KNOW that they'll lie to protect the affair...its a certainty that they'll do so at your expense if you're threatening their situation. Just do it. My thoughts exactly. Give no warnings. Just drop the bomb - with the evidence in hand. NOW! Link to post Share on other sites
CAT100 Posted January 18, 2008 Share Posted January 18, 2008 ^ Yep I totally agree. There is no point doing something if you warn them first! Def tell OW hubby. Why shouldnt he know? He might have no idea & be grateful so he can either dump her or make an informed decision on what to do. If he knows nothing she may carry on cheating again & again & he'll be none the wiser. At least if he KNOWS what shes like he can decide based on the facts Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted January 18, 2008 Share Posted January 18, 2008 I really don't know. I wouldn't want to get in between them, you know. Would I still feel the same way if I knew both of them? Or if it was my BBF's husband that cheated on her and somehow I got to know about it, would I tell my BBF? I really don't know... like I said, it's tough. None of us really know until the situation is upon us... even then its hard to sort out. On some level I feel that even if it was my very best friend, I would still tell him. I feel that on some level it would be unloving to take the choice of knowing away from him, and also that I would be lieing to him by omission. That would make me feel... implicit in the affair. Owl, Yes it's guaranteed she would do damage control. However... it would be impossible for her to accurately portray OP as a crazy stalker. She cannot lie away the pictures! Link to post Share on other sites
luvmy2ns Posted January 18, 2008 Share Posted January 18, 2008 ^ Yep I totally agree. There is no point doing something if you warn them first! Def tell OW hubby. Why shouldnt he know? He might have no idea & be grateful so he can either dump her or make an informed decision on what to do. If he knows nothing she may carry on cheating again & again & he'll be none the wiser. At least if he KNOWS what shes like he can decide based on the facts Yup - and discontinue wasting any more years of his life on the cheating w----. Link to post Share on other sites
BeautifulMystique Posted January 18, 2008 Share Posted January 18, 2008 None of us really know until the situation is upon us... even then its hard to sort out. On some level I feel that even if it was my very best friend, I would still tell him. I feel that on some level it would be unloving to take the choice of knowing away from him, and also that I would be lieing to him by omission. That would make me feel... implicit in the affair. I agree on most part but as I have said earlier, some would rather not know. They'd even blame you for ruining their day/life for telling them. For hurting them with the news. That was what a friend of mine got so I am just giving my views from what I have seen and heard. OP, it is entirely up to you ~ if you decide to let OW's husband know, I'd go with the rest that said no forewarning should be given. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted January 18, 2008 Share Posted January 18, 2008 She's not an OP, she's a BS, according to her post. Like I said...don't expect them to be grateful or anything...but telling them is the right thing to do. It ALSO has the added opportunity of putting pressure on the affair partners to end their affair from THAT side as well. The odds are high that it will do more good than harm for the marriages involved. Not so much for the affairees in the short-term, however. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted January 18, 2008 Share Posted January 18, 2008 I agree on most part but as I have said earlier, some would rather not know. They'd even blame you for ruining their day/life for telling them. For hurting them with the news. That was what a friend of mine got so I am just giving my views from what I have seen and heard. OP, it is entirely up to you ~ if you decide to let OW's husband know, I'd go with the rest that said no forewarning should be given. Hmmm... I've known those types of people also. I wonder if there is a good way to feel someone out on the subject. For example asking them a hypothetical. "If your spouse was cheating on you... would you want to know?" Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted January 18, 2008 Share Posted January 18, 2008 She's not an OP, she's a BS, according to her post. Like I said...don't expect them to be grateful or anything...but telling them is the right thing to do. It ALSO has the added opportunity of putting pressure on the affair partners to end their affair from THAT side as well. The odds are high that it will do more good than harm for the marriages involved. Not so much for the affairees in the short-term, however. I'm using OP as in Orininal Poster... Link to post Share on other sites
BeautifulMystique Posted January 18, 2008 Share Posted January 18, 2008 She's not an OP, she's a BS, according to her post. Like I said...don't expect them to be grateful or anything...but telling them is the right thing to do. It ALSO has the added opportunity of putting pressure on the affair partners to end their affair from THAT side as well. The odds are high that it will do more good than harm for the marriages involved. Not so much for the affairees in the short-term, however. If I am not mistaken, an OP is also Original Poster or Original Post. Something like that. It was clear to me that she isn't the Other Party/Person. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted January 18, 2008 Share Posted January 18, 2008 Got it...missed that reference to Original Poster. Thanks for the clarification. I want to add something else here. SHE (the original poster) wouldn't be devestating anyone by telling OWH about the affair. THAT particular devestation was caused by his wife's decision to have the affair...not by Ash's choice to inform him of it. BIG difference. If someone told me that my wife was cheating on me, I wouldn't be hurt or angry with THEM...it would be the wife who was the source of my hurt and anger. Link to post Share on other sites
BeautifulMystique Posted January 18, 2008 Share Posted January 18, 2008 Got it...missed that reference to Original Poster. Thanks for the clarification. I want to add something else here. SHE (the original poster) wouldn't be devestating anyone by telling OWH about the affair. THAT particular devestation was caused by his wife's decision to have the affair...not by Ash's choice to inform him of it. BIG difference. If someone told me that my wife was cheating on me, I wouldn't be hurt or angry with THEM...it would be the wife who was the source of my hurt and anger. Yes, that's right but THAT is YOU. Can't expect everyone else to be like you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ashlyn11 Posted January 18, 2008 Author Share Posted January 18, 2008 Thank you all for your comments and thoughts. I think I'm going to expose the pics to him and not give warning. I know she is still going to deny it because when I confronted her on them she said they are "photo shopped" and it's not her. I had never heard of that until then? I'm sure OW hubby will know his wife's body. OW and my hubby I'm sure think they are in the clear because weeks have gone by. I know it's none of my business and I'm one of this most drama free human beings you will ever meet that's why it's was so easy to tell my STBX that it is over. I don't share men and I just think people who cheat on their spouses should be man or woman enough to say I want to be with somebody else instead of lying about it. I think the OW hubby does deserve know because he is being played as a fool. I will keep you all updated!! Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Red Posted January 18, 2008 Share Posted January 18, 2008 Wait until BentNotBroken responds. She was in your shoes & told the OW husband. I think she can enlighten you bit. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ashlyn11 Posted January 18, 2008 Author Share Posted January 18, 2008 I hope BentNotBroken does respond, that would be very helpful. I will keep checking throughout the day. I found OW and hubby home phone number. OW and my STBX work together so I need to think things through before I make that call. I know along time ago OW hubby was disabled and wasn't working....I don't know about now. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted January 18, 2008 Share Posted January 18, 2008 I am a BS who did tell the ow's hubby. He was hurt at first, but as the news sank in he told me that he had suspicions and had already hired a P.I. so we pooled our resources and came up with a plan to let them hang themselves. With his P.I. and my e-mails, pretty much was the nail in their coffin. I have had some problems with her. She has directed all her anger at me. She feels like I shouldn't have told her BS. We deserved to know so that we could be tested for STDs. Thank God we have tested clean, so far. But as she was a repeat offender, I definitely would do it all again, even with her irrational behavior. Tell him and don't warn her, so that she has time to think of some other lie. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted January 18, 2008 Share Posted January 18, 2008 Yes, that's right but THAT is YOU. Can't expect everyone else to be like you? As I said...the choice to tell isn't the CAUSE of the hurt. His wife's choice to CHEAT was the source. You don't seem to agree. We'll agree to disagree then. Link to post Share on other sites
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