Question for OW?

[Owl]

Sarme, I suspect that what you haven't seen yet is that the biggest source of pain for a BS as a result of the affair is the LIES...the living a lie...the fact that your spouse is destroying your marriage without your knowledge. The person you trusted is betraying you behind your back.

 

THAT is the greatest source of the pain.

 

And that is why the BS should be told.

 

I've explained my side. I'm done.

[Trialbyfire]

I'm not sure if I posted in the right place but need opinions and if been lurking around on the internet for a few days and decided I needed to post my dilemma.

I just found out Christmas Eve 07 my hubby was cheating with another MW. I saw signs 2 years ago but I wasn't sure until now. I found pictures of him and her naked in his phone. I finally decided to take a look one night while he sleeping. He started guarding the phone 24/7 and I'm wondering WTF is he hiding. Anyways I sent them to my email in case he deleted them. I was going to wait for more evidence but I couldn't so I confronted him, he admitted and now he's gone. But Whatever, he was a freakin loser anyways the cheating just put icing on the cake. I filed for divorce last week.

I confronted the OW also and she denied it but nearly $hit her pants when I showed her the photos. Well, I want to contact OW hubby. But I'm not sure what risk I'm taking by contacting OW hubby. I want him to know, he should know.

 

But my question for the OW out there is what would you do if you were exposed? Do I need to watch out for OW retaliating?

I haven't read all the posts in this thread so if I'm repeating something another poster has written, my apologies upfront.

 

Do tell the other spouse and forward the pics. It will afford him the opportunity to take action. Knowledge is power.

 

As for the OW retaliating, who cares? If she's a bunny boiler, getting into illegal actions, get the law on her arse.

[sarme]

Why is it so hard to believe that people are willing( a lot more than you think. Maybe you just don't run in those circles) to do something that they believe is right for no other reason than it is right. Just as people will ignore a problem and say, "It's not my problem, why should I care?" there are people who aren't looking for a reward for every action that they take, or is out for revenge when it involves something that has caused hurt.

 

You're looking for a reward or acceptance from GOD so that's not true that people don't look for a reward for their actions. You have said yourself that God is looking and you have said in other posts when speaking of your own situation "hopefully god with feel proud of me in the way I have acted", so you look for a reward too...everyone has their motive, you just can't admit that to yourself.anyway, I think a person needs to look at things realisitcally and put all silliness aside and when having doubts on taking and action ask themselves what is my intended outcome of what I am about to do, once you balance out what you will achieve there is your answer right there.

[bentnotbroken]

No, you are doing it for your own good, the person being betrayed may already know. anything is possible. the person being betrayed may not want to know, the person being betrayed may have also cheated on the cheater in the past and this is just going to even the score. You just don't know what goes on under another couple's roof, so fix your own life an make sure you do what is best for those around you in most cases of those meddling in other's problems can't even get their own problems under control. And if you really have an urge to fix society and contribute to the good of society to make this a better world to live in go do charity work, charity work is more beneficial to society as a whole than being a gossip king/queen.

 

 

It's not gossip if she has proof, as I did. And in my case, he did suspect something, but my proof confirmed more than his pictures did. As Owl said, once I have told them, they can do what they want with the info. And I do have the urge to try to leave the world a little better than when I came in. Charity is a great thing. My children and I are involved through our church. May I ask a question, why are you so angry and cynical?

[bentnotbroken]

You're looking for a reward or acceptance from GOD so that's not true that people don't look for a reward for their actions. You have said yourself that God is looking and you have said in other posts when speaking of your own situation "hopefully god with feel proud of me in the way I have acted", so you look for a reward too...everyone has their motive, you just can't admit that to yourself.anyway, I think a person needs to look at things realisitcally and put all silliness aside and when having doubts on taking and action ask themselves what is my intended outcome of what I am about to do, once you balance out what you will achieve there is your answer right there.

 

 

You are right, my reward is from God and the way my children look at me. You are correct my actions are all done for his glory and that is a reward to me.

[sarme]

You are right, my reward is from God and the way my children look at me. You are correct my actions are all done for his glory and that is a reward to me.

 

Well there you have it, you are doing things for the sake of your standing with god, not for the well being of another human being.

[bentnotbroken]

Well there you have it, you are doing things for the sake of your standing with god, not for the well being of another human being.

 

 

God said to love your fellow man as you love him. And that is what I try to do. If I wouldn't do what is right for someone in need(people who I see everyday), why would I do anything for God. God lives in my spirit,so I try to act like him. I fail, because I am human, but that doesn't stop me from trying.

[CAT100]

The OWs H may or may not forgive her. But at least if he KNOWS he is making an informed decision.

I do think that telling him is the best thing & if he forgives her so be it. He may be very grateful for being told & he may decide he cant forgive! And then he may meet someone that will make him happy & wont cheat!

He should definitely know!

[luvmy2ns]

Well there you have it, you are doing things for the sake of your standing with god, not for the well being of another human being.

 

OMG

[luvmy2ns]

OMG

 

She's not looking for monetary reward, or getting on the H's good side 'cause she wants him, or any other reason that is all about greed and grasping at material things like the attitude displayed by people who say "what's in it for me?"

[torranceshipman]

This is about one thing - telling the truth!

 

Since when did someone wanting to tell the truth become so debatable?

 

She isnt spiteful, she wants the husband of the OW to know the truth, so he can make his own decisions which are best for himself and his kids. That's a really good, honest thing. It's much better for him to know the truth and move forward in whatever direction he chooses from there...lets face it, if everyone was honest she wouldnt have been put into this very awkward situation (well, there'd be no A's, no OWs or OMs either, with the accompanying heartbreak either!) - but unfortunately some people lie and now she's cleaning up their mess.

 

The truth may be ugly but it's still the truth!

 

Tell him, he deserves to know

[jj2007]

She's not looking for monetary reward, or getting on the H's good side 'cause she wants him, or any other reason that is all about greed and grasping at material things like the attitude displayed by people who say "what's in it for me?"

 

That's right. It is good to know that there are some people still in the world that do the right thing and don't expect to gain anything from it.

[sarme]

She wants to do it to ultimately cause the OW pain as the OW has caused her pain. The BS's wellbeing is irrelevant. But it never ends up that way because the BS is going to fight hard to win back the cheater so in the end it is going to bring them closer. On second thought maybe she should tell and benfit them after her whole marriage has been destroyed...yeah that makes perfect sense. Everyone ends up happy except for this woman. Ultimately do what you feel is best for you Ashlyn just be clear on why you are doing it.

[reboot]

She wants to do it to ultimately cause the OW pain as the OW has caused her pain.

That's not what she said. That's not what anyone else has said. You're simply making that up because it fits your own warped perspective. She wants to tell him because HE DESERVES TO KNOW. You can go on and on and on but it still won't change the truth.

[underpants]

That's not what she said. That's not what anyone else has said. You're simply making that up because it fits your own warped perspective. She wants to tell him because HE DESERVES TO KNOW. You can go on and on and on but it still won't change the truth.

 

I agree with this.

 

Spin princess.

 

Ashlynn, there is no shame in telling someone the truth. It is an act of caring for their well being. I thought honesty and kindness were good things. It is funny and telling to see it being argued.

[bentnotbroken]

I agree with this.

 

Spin princess.

 

Ashlynn, there is no shame in telling someone the truth. It is an act of caring for their well being. I thought honesty and kindness were good things. It is funny and telling to see it being argued.

 

 

Right on the money. I feel no shame in wanting to do the right thing or for wanting to do it for God, or wanting to do it without asking what's in it for me. It just is who I am and I suspect a lot of others too.

[Owl]

My reasoning for telling anyone would have nothing to do with causing pain. On the contrary, the intent would be to allow everyone to be informed enough to make their own decisions as to how to proceed or not.

 

In my friend's case, I wasn't particularly friends with his wife. I wasn't looking to hurt him (he was my friend, after all) either. My intent was to let his wife know the truth of what's going on, and let her handle things from there.

 

Whether or not he cheated really didn't impact my life. I wasn't married to him. Nor did I have any devotion or relationship of any kind with his wife, other than to say hello when I went to spend time with him.

 

And this all happened literally decades before my wife's affair, so there was no intent to punish someone for my troubles. No "projection" if you will.

 

I think the assumption that telling the OP's spouse is intended to hurt someone is erroneous. Sometimes, it might be. But absolutely not in all cases.

[sarme]

I'm pissed because I hate to be called a lier and I want to put her on blast. I found emails too from them both telling each other that they were going to leave us and be together>>I've never been a vengeful person and I feel maybe I would gain satisfaction in knowing that she was exposed.

 

No actually Reebot, she did say that. And it is understandable that she would feel super angry, I give her 110% support on her emotions and she did also say that she wants to do the woman's husband a good deed but she also said that he was disabled in the past and jobless and not sure what his status is now, and this is holding her back form telling. She also said this in weighing out her options to tell or not to tell:

Just curious I'm 34 and haven't been in a fight since high school (lol). And I don't know what this broad is capable of she is 25 and very immature and loud. I guess that is what my STBX likes because I'm total opposite

Too bad some of you are so caught up in arguing your one track comments you missed what this woman is actually saying. Edited January 18, 2008 by sarme

[ashlyn11]

I called their home # and OW hubby is on the answering machine and provided their cell #'s in case of emergency. I called OW hubby cell. I told him who I was and that I have some information on OW and my STBX relationship. He said he couldn't meet today but he wanted to see what I had. I forwarded him the info and stayed on the phone while he checked his email.

 

He was silent for awhile. He said he thought something was going on but like me wasn't sure no hard evidence. HE SAID THE PHOTOS WERE TAKEN AT HIS HOME I was totally floored. He said that is our bed...our couch. I thought they were at a hotel. He thanked me for this and I could hear his voice starting to crack. I told him I'm was sorry but I didn't want him to be in the dark. I told him I was getting a divorce and he wanted to know who my attorney was and how much it cost etc.

 

5min after I got off the phone with him. The OW called me:eek: yelling, cursing and she said the only way we can get this cleared up is for me, my STBX and her hubby to meet. (Not sure what that is going to do) I let her yell and scream and then I hung up.

 

How do I feel? Better, at least the hubby knows now. I feel like I did a good deed today and know some of you disagree and we all have different opinions. I thank everyone for their opinions. The truth will set you free, right? I feel like now I can move pass this situation and not having to wonder if OW hubby was still sitting in the dark.

[GreenEyedLady]

But is your agenda for the good of anyone? OW's are helping the cheaters cheat. I don't think that's a good agenda. The OP came on here looking for objective advice, and it doesn't appear she is getting it from any of the OW's, except OWoman.

 

Apparently you only see what you want to see...Did you even bother to read what I said to the Original Poster...Oh of course not, you just saw my screenname and thought you'd pipe in...

 

So before you go around deciding what's objective advice, perhaps you should actually read it first...

 

Oh but I guess that's hard to do when you have so many screennames...Must get confusing...

[ashlyn11]

No actually Reebot, she did say that. And it is understandable that she would feel super angry, I give her 110% support on her emotions and she did also say that she wants to do the woman's husband a good deed but she also said that he was disabled in the past and jobless and not sure what his status is now, and this is holding her back form telling. She also said this in weighing out her options to tell or not to tell: Too bad some of you are so caught up in arguing your one track comments you missed what this woman is actually saying.

 

Your right because I do have mixed feelings...anger, betrayal, revenge, on the other hand I don't want OW hubby to be in the dark to what's on in what I found out to be his own home.

[underpants]

I think telling him the truth was a good thing overall. Now everyone who should know has the information.

 

Of course you have mixed feelings due to being betrayed. At a base level you sought to tell the truth and to do so kindly. I find it commendable. More importantly the husband thanked you.

 

You do not have to meet with them or your H if you do not want to.

 

I wish you the best in moving on and having a much brighter future.

[ashlyn11]

I think telling him the truth was a good thing overall. Now everyone who should know has the information.

 

Of course you have mixed feelings due to being betrayed. At a base level you sought to tell the truth and to do so kindly. I find it commendable. More importantly the husband thanked you.

 

You do not have to meet with them or your H if you do not want to.

 

I wish you the best in moving on and having a much brighter future.

 

Thank you for your kind words. It's been especially hard dealing with this during the holidays. But I see a better life in 2008. I don't plan to meet with any of them. I don't even know why she is trying to get us together.

[EnigmaXOXO]

I don't even know why she is trying to get us together.

 

Drowning man syndrome.

 

I hope you're doing okay.

[bentnotbroken]

Your right because I do have mixed feelings...anger, betrayal, revenge, on the other hand I don't want OW hubby to be in the dark to what's on in what I found out to be his own home.

 

 

I understand how you feel. In the beginning, probably the first week after I found out about Mr. Messy, I felt the whole rang of emotions. The main thing I felt was love. I loved him, still do in the sense I wouldn't have my kids without him. But the anger, betrayal, revenge, fear, incertainty and so much more.

 

The ow's hubby and I talked for 3 hours when we first met. She also called after everything hit the fan, but she was calling to say that she was going to kill herself. I guess she thought that I would fall apart and call her hubby. I didn't, I called Mr. Messy and he didn't even leave work to go find her(punk). When I considered working it out, we thought about the 4 of us sitting down and talking, that lasted until I came to my senses and said hell no. The ow's hubby and I used the same lawyer and ended the madness.