Question for OW?

[bentnotbroken]

Isn't your story where you were going to post flyers all over the shooll parking lot and expose them to all the neighbourhood kids and teachers and then you opted against that? If so you did the right thing, because you would have looked crazy not them....I don't see how revenge worked for you? Refresh my memory please....

 

 

I was the one who told her that if she continued to harass me that I would put up fliers in her neighborhood(e-mails she wrote to Mr. Messy, it was threat. And I really don't care whether or not someone views me as crazy, maybe they should, then they would understand the full implications of their actions. But it was another poster who suggested it would make me look crazy, I didn't agree, but I decided against my actions for several reasons. 1) I respect her husband and her extended family.2) I don't ever want to cause more pain to her children, 3) she did back off for a time.

 

And didn't say I would tell the kids teachers, but that I would tell the PTA board because she used some of their funds to take Mr. Messy on a trip. I said that they had sex in the parking lot where I worked. So everything is working well for me, I hope this clears things up for you.

[reboot]

Guess what, BS ARE people like teachers and firefighters who contribute to a better and safer society. So are OP. What an incredibly shallow thing to say.

[bentnotbroken]

Likening the scorn and vengeance of a BS to people like teachers and firefighters who contribute to a better and safer society is blasphemy. Next you'll be telling us it is like being in the Peace Corps,LOL!!

 

But you assume it's done out of scorn, it is something I prayed about and talked with my minister about. It was done because it was the right thing to do, and some people do the right thing everyday.

[jj2007]

Ok, what would I gain, that is the question? Maybe doing a good deed to OW husband who is probably in the dark. I mean I wish someone would have told me what my STBX was doing.

quote]

EXACTLY. You won't stand to gain anything. And despite what others may think, that is ok! You are doing a good deed for the OW's H and you are showing compassion and treating people the way you would want to be treated. GOOD FOR YOU! It shows you are a good person and that is enough!

 

I am a BS that was left in the dark. It really sucks! It made me feel like a fool. Tell him because if he got the info first you would want him to tell you right?

[sarme]

I don't think it is about wanting to do good by the husband. It's pure vengeance.

 

Shakespeare said it better, " Hell hath no fury like a woman in sccccorn."

 

Ahsh, you will only get a momentary sense of satisfaction. Nothing more. In all likelihood, they will continue in the marriage.

 

Protect yourself. Keep a distance.

 

Why would you want all this drama in your life?

 

It will backfire on you. And you will be more miserable.

 

.

 

I totally agree with this! Also people don't meddle in other people's business unless they have something to gain from it. Sometimes people do things because they are convinced of a certain outcome in their brains and then when the plan backfires they regret doing what they did. Most people don't involve themselves in trying to do what is "right" for another couple, like if you found out a coworker was having an affiair with a married co-worker would you take it upon yourself to call the Bs of the cheater and rat them two out. NO WAY!! 10/10 people here in this thread would NEVER EVER get involved and I say that with great confidence, they will jump in say otherwise but we ALL know they would not get involved. SO turning this back on this situation let's call a spade a spade, if you want to do it Ashlyn it is out of anger and revenge not becase you need to do what is "right" for society, so if you are doing it out of anger and revenge chances are you already have a specific outcome pictured in your mind which you hope to achieve when you do this, when the outcome turns out opposite to what you imagined you will 100% feel worse for what you did. You already suffered through the pain of losing your marriage and losing your partner because of this mess, why add more pain to your life? It is a no brainer and I have no other agenda in mind other than to help you rationalise your own doubts, which you obviously have because you came here for a solution. IF you were sold on the idea you would have acted on it. In the least Ashlyn give it some time so that you act from a calmer place, you won't have any regrets if you follow your gut when you are clear headed.

Edited January 18, 2008 by sarme

[bentnotbroken]

I totally agree with this! Also people don't meddle in other people's business unless they have something to gain from it. Sometimes people do things because they are convinced of a certain outcome in their brains and then when the plan backfires they regret doing what they did. Most people don't involve themselves in trying to do what is "right" for another couple, like if you found out a coworker was having an affiair with a married co-worker would you take it upon yourself to call the Bs of the cheater and rat them two out. NO WAY!! 10/10 people here in this thread would NEVER EVER get involved and I say that with great confidence, they will jump in say otherwise but we ALL know they would not get involved. SO turning this back on this situation let's call a spade a spade, if you want to do it Ashlyn it is out of anger and revenge not becase you need to do what is "right" for society, so if you are doing it out of anger and revenge chances are you already have a specific outcome pictured in your mind which you hope to achieve when you do this, when the outcome turns out opposite to what you imagined you will 100% feel worse for what you did. You already suffered through the pain of losing your marriage and losing your partner because of this mess, why add more pain to your life? It is a no brainer and I have no other agenda in mind other than to help you rationalise your own doubts, which you obviously have because you came here for a solution. IF you were sold on the idea you would have acted it. In the least Ashlyn give is some time so that you act from a calmer place, you won't have any regrets if you follow your gut when you are clear headed.

 

 

 

As a teacher I get involved everyday. It is what life is about. I have the responsibility as a follower of God to be my brothers keeper. I don't mind excepting my responsibility in that regard. I also respect your right to be cynical in your view of Christian behavior, but it is the way that I live my life. We agree to disagree.

[child_of_isis]

I just don't understand how people can say that OW's M is not your business.

 

Your H got her in the middle of yours, didn't he? Did she respond with, 'it's not my business?' And go about her merry way? No.

 

I wouldn't worry about retaliation. OW and H damn sure didn't.

[jj2007]

I just don't understand how people can say that OW's M is not your business.

 

Your H got her in the middle of yours, didn't he? Did she respond with, 'it's not my business?' And go about her merry way? No.

 

I wouldn't worry about retaliation. OW and H damn sure didn't.

 

 

Very true!

[sarme]

Likening the scorn and vengeance of a BS to people like teachers and firefighters who contribute to a better and safer society is blasphemy. Next you'll be telling us it is like being in the Peace Corps,LOL!!

 

Actually this is akin to Tom Cruise's latest public remark, "Scientologists drive by an accident and they will stop because they are the only ones who can really help" Oooooookeyyyyy GOD! LOL

[marlena]

Guess what, BS ARE people like teachers and firefighters who contribute to a better and safer society. So are OP. What an incredibly shallow thing to say.

 

Of course they are. I am sure a lot of them, professionally, contribute immensely to the progress of society.

 

However, a BS spilling the beans does not profit society as a whole.

 

It is a personal act born out of spite and vengeance and has nothing to do with contributing to the overall good of society.

 

Surely you can not equate the two.

[luvmy2ns]

And thinking, "But what's in it for me?" before you ever make a move? That's noble.

[sarme]

If your spouse gets caught and later fired for fraud in the worlplace and they had a complice, his/her buddy at work, and your spouse gets fired but the buddy stays do you take it upon yourself to call the company and make sure the company gets rid of him too? Sure it it sucks your spouse got fired and now YOU will be affected by that, but is it your place to call up the company and tell them to fire the other guy because your life will now change drastically due to what YOUR partner did to you? Please!

[Cobra_X30]

SO turning this back on this situation let's call a spade a spade, if you want to do it Ashlyn it is out of anger and revenge not becase you need to do what is "right" for society, so if you are doing it out of anger and revenge chances are you already have a specific outcome pictured in your mind which you hope to achieve when you do this, when the outcome turns out opposite to what you imagined you will 100% feel worse for what you did.

 

While I agree with some of what you say, I also think you draw the wrong conclusion from it.

 

I think you are correct that Ashlyn should not do this out of vengeance. That will only provide temporary satisfaction.

 

However, it seems more that she sees this as the right thing to do! That she empathizes with what the OW's BS is dealing with, and wants to help him out.

 

The only thing holding her back is fear of retaliation. I say do not fear this woman... that's what she wants. She wishes to lie and intimidate you into silence... by trying to make you seem crazy.

 

I do not think you are a coward... I don't think you will let this woman win like that. More than likely you have nothing serious to fear from her. Do what you wish and let the police handle her if she steps out of line... the mere threat of the law should keep her in check.

[bentnotbroken]

Actually this is akin to Tom Cruise's latest public remark, "Scientologists drive by an accident and they will stop because they are the only ones who can really help" Oooooookeyyyyy GOD! LOL

 

I don't know any Christians who believe they are the only ones who can help, but in my situation and only my situation, which the original poster asked me about, I told her what I did, why I did it and how I feel about doing it. It doesn't have to be right for you and your life style, as your "what's the benefit for me" is not right for my life style. Or live and let live. If people didn't get involved in the injustices in the world nothing would ever change.

[OWoman]

I feel great for more than a second. It is entirely your choice whether or not to tell him, but not matter what the consequences were, I knew that I couldn't live with myself if he got a disease from her or Mr. Messy Pants and I could have warned him. He has 4 children and he needs to take care of himself for them. They need at least one parent who is responsible, and has some type of character judgment. I would do it again and even with her crap, I don't regret it. I did what I believed was right, still do.

 

Ashlyn, I think this is more or less the crux of it as I see it. You have to do what YOU can live with.

 

Bent did what she believed was right. It may or may not be your decision, but you've got to do what your conscience tells you on this one. All of us can have our particular views, can advise on risks or benefits but we don't know the facts as you do, the context or the people. You have to make an informed choice.

 

Perhaps the OW does react badly - and there are threads on the infidelity board about OWs who have. Perhaps not. And perhaps her BH is crushed and devastated and hurt by what you tell him, and perhaps he's thankful. There is no way really of knowing in advance.

 

But you will have to live with yourself and your decision. Every night you will have to go to sleep and either regret what you did (or didn't do) or feel, as Bent does, that it's the decision you'd make again, despite the consequences. And ultimately only you can know what you can live with.

 

Good luck. I hope whichever way you choose, things work out OK.

[underpants]

if you found out a coworker was having an affiair with a married co-worker would you take it upon yourself to call the Bs of the cheater and rat them two out. NO WAY!! 10/10 people here in this thread would NEVER EVER get involved and I say that with great confidence, they will jump in say otherwise but we ALL know they would not get involved.

 

I have done this.

[Owl]

As a matter of fact, I have notified friend's spouses when their spouse (my friend) has cheated on them.

 

I've not had anyone angry at me for telling them the truth. At first, my FRIEND was angry that I 'ratted him out'...but when I made it clear why I did it, and was point blank and up front about it, he understood and matter was settled.

 

Side note...last I knew, they were still married, and he was likely cheating on her still...but I didn't know that for sure, and it was up to her with how she wanted to deal with the situation.

[bentnotbroken]

Ashlyn, I think this is more or less the crux of it as I see it. You have to do what YOU can live with.

 

Bent did what she believed was right. It may or may not be your decision, but you've got to do what your conscience tells you on this one. All of us can have our particular views, can advise on risks or benefits but we don't know the facts as you do, the context or the people. You have to make an informed choice.

 

Perhaps the OW does react badly - and there are threads on the infidelity board about OWs who have. Perhaps not. And perhaps her BH is crushed and devastated and hurt by what you tell him, and perhaps he's thankful. There is no way really of knowing in advance.

 

But you will have to live with yourself and your decision. Every night you will have to go to sleep and either regret what you did (or didn't do) or feel, as Bent does, that it's the decision you'd make again, despite the consequences. And ultimately only you can know what you can live with.

 

Good luck. I hope whichever way you choose, things work out OK.

 

 

I think what OW says is true, and no one wishes harm on you. What ever your decision, let your conscience be your guide.

[sarme]

As a matter of fact, I have notified friend's spouses when their spouse (my friend) has cheated on them.

 

I've not had anyone angry at me for telling them the truth. At first, my FRIEND was angry that I 'ratted him out'...but when I made it clear why I did it, and was point blank and up front about it, he understood and matter was settled.

 

Side note...last I knew, they were still married, and he was likely cheating on her still...but I didn't know that for sure, and it was up to her with how she wanted to deal with the situation.

 

That's different and that is not what I asked. Sure people would do it for a spouse of friend or a loved one, you have a connection of sorts and their best interest in mind because you love them both. The question was would you involve yourself with a coworker who was having an affair with a married coworker, they are not close to you they are just coworkers and the whole office knows they are getting it on. would you then call the married person's spouse and involve yourself to stop the affair, for the good sake of humanity?

No you wouldn't like most people would not. This is no different.

Edited January 18, 2008 by sarme

[bentnotbroken]

That's different and that is not what I asked. Sure people would do it for a spouse of friend or a loved one, you have a connection of sorts and their best interest in mind because you love them both. The question was would you involve yourself with a coworker who was having an affair with a married coworker, they are not close to you they are just coworkers and the whole office knows they are getting it on. would you then call the married person's spouse and involve yourself to stop the affair, for the good sake of humanity?

No you wouldn't like most people would not. This is no different.

 

Yes, and not for the good of humanity, but for the good of the person that is being betrayed.

[Owl]

If I knew beyond a doubt that a co-worker was cheating on his spouse, and knew or had the ability to notify the spouse...yes, I would do so. Without reservation or heartache.

[sarme]

ooookkkkeyyy. But fine you say you would so we have to take your word for it. So two people would get involved in calling a coworker's spouse they have never met before. MOST people would not get involved because it does not pertain to them and they have absolutely nothing to gain from it. On a side note, I hope when you do make that call OWL you don't find out that the BS you are calling actually had and open agreement with their spouse to allow them to screw around because they had some sexual problems in the relationship they could not overcome...LOL I've seen that one a LOT around here. I read of one WS who's W actually told him to go and cheat and when the OW's spouse called her she basically told him, "yes I know we have an agreement" so you really are you doing it for them or you? YOURSELF, every single time, no matter how you slice it. Which is fine, but be ready to be let down if things don't pan out as you pictured them in your head. If you are fine with either outcome then great BUT if either outcome is fine then why do it!?!?

[sarme]

Yes, and not for the good of humanity, but for the good of the person that is being betrayed.

 

No, you are doing it for your own good, the person being betrayed may already know. anything is possible. the person being betrayed may not want to know, the person being betrayed may have also cheated on the cheater in the past and this is just going to even the score. You just don't know what goes on under another couple's roof, so fix your own life an make sure you do what is best for those around you in most cases of those meddling in other's problems can't even get their own problems under control. And if you really have an urge to fix society and contribute to the good of society to make this a better world to live in go do charity work, charity work is more beneficial to society as a whole than being a gossip king/queen.

[Owl]

On a side note, I hope when you do make that call OWL you don't find out that the BS you are calling actually had and open agreement with their spouse to allow them to screw around because they had some sexual problems in the relationship they could not overcome...

 

If this happened, I would simply respond with an "OK, given that you're aware of it, I'll say nothing further.".

 

And that would be the end of it. I wouldn't bring anything up to anyone else, and wouldn't concern myself with it any further.

 

And I wouldn't feel any worse for having contacted them.

 

The reason I would do it would be to make sure that they DID know what was going on, and had the opportunity to deal with it accordingly.

 

I'm sure you don't understand my motivations, or at least don't agree with them. I don't agree with sleeping with another person's spouse if they're not aware of it. This is probably one of those things we're going to 'agree to disagree' on.

[bentnotbroken]

ooookkkkeyyy. But fine you say you would so we have to take your word for it. So two people would get involved in calling a coworker's spouse they have never met before. MOST people would not get involved because it does not pertain to them and they have absolutely nothing to gain from it. On a side note, I hope when you do make that call OWL you don't find out that the BS you are calling actually had and open agreement with their spouse to allow them to screw around because they had some sexual problems in the relationship they could not overcome...LOL I've seen that one a LOT around here. I read of one WS who's W actually told him to go and cheat and when the OW's spouse called her she basically told him, "yes I know we have an agreement" so you really are you doing it for them or you? YOURSELF, every single time, no matter how you slice it. Which is fine, but be ready to be let down if things don't pan out as you pictured them in your head. If you are fine with either outcome then great BUT if either outcome is fine then why do it!?!?

 

 

Why is it so hard to believe that people are willing( a lot more than you think. Maybe you just don't run in those circles) to do something that they believe is right for no other reason than it is right. Just as people will ignore a problem and say, "It's not my problem, why should I care?" there are people who aren't looking for a reward for every action that they take, or is out for revenge when it involves something that has caused hurt.