Workaholic Boyfriend

[aya]

How'd you think if your partner is workaholic?

 

Well I was pround of my boyfriend working all the time first, but nowadays I am getting annoyed.

 

I usually spend time at his place when we meet, but he is usually reading academic journals, or working on computer. When we are watching videos, he falls asleep. All his friends are work-related, and when I meet with them, they talk about work. Actually, he does not seem to have real friends. He said he never went to bars when he was doing his PhD because he was always working.

 

He works very hard -- he finished PhD in four years in addition to working full-time (amazing achievement to me). He is divorced, and basically him being workaholic and rarely at his home lead his ex-wife to have affairs, and that ended their marriage (that's how I understand the situation).

 

Not only he is always working, he says things like "the thing I am doing is something nobody else can", "they can't do this witout me", "the job I was offered pays me much more than the last one", "they wanted to hire me so badly that they kept increasing their offer," "I work hard and I am smart", etc, etc. (By the way, is this American thing?)

 

Perhaps if I am equally successful and hard-working, I should be OK, but I like myself being easy-going otherwise I get really stress myself out. I indeed have been stressing myself out these days. It's just that I don't feel relaxed with him any longer. I feel pressure to be productive and hard-working.

 

I started wondering whether I am better-off being with a guy who are more laid-back. Please give me some advice on this...

[Tony T]

There;s no way we can tell YOU who you would be happier with. But, from your post, it sounds like you would be better off with someone whose work allows him to spend more quality time with you. I think that's what many women desire in a relationship.

 

The decision has to be yours based on what YOU want.

[Reckless]

That's the thing about relationships, sometimes the very things that attract you to someone prove to be their undoing. Your workaholic boyfriend may have seemed a dream come true but now you're seeing the negative side of being dedicated and driven.

 

He will probably never change or if he will it will be after some kind of 'corporate tragedy' that shows him somewhere down he line that love and relationships are more important than paychecks and golden handshakes - whatever the case the question is, do you want to stick around? You might not be getting all you want from the relationship but are you getting what you need? Are you getting enough? Your boyfriend is probably attracted to your more laid back approach to life so if you can stay yourself and still enjoy being with him then you will probably have a calming influence and help him to see things in a less competitive and aggresive way as the years go by.

 

If you feel (as I suspect you do) neglected, emtionally isolated and bored, then it's more that a question of accepting this 'over achiever' syndrome, you will be unhappy and find yourself wishing for more.

 

Talk to your partner and voice your concerns clearly - he's obviously a quite brilliant man he should be able to grasp the issues. If he says 'that's how I am, take it or leave it' I'd personally 'leave it' because in the end, even with lots of money, a big house and all he other trappings of being with a high earning-high flyer, I'd still be lonely for that quiet place that being in a loving relationship gives me.

 

You say you're feeling stressed with him, unable to 'relax' are you feeling somehow you need to compete in some way? Is he projecting is personality on you in a way that makes you feel you're not good enough? Work is work but the 'inner workings' of a relationship should exist seperate from these external pressures, if you can't make that so you have a problem.

 

If you can't find that place where you accept him as he is, move on - but beware, that chilled out guy sketching the sunset while lying under a coconut tree will eventually get on your nerves too - they all do in the end believe me... He'll write you love poems but forget to pay the phone bill. He'll have plenty of good friends but they'll always be hanging around the house. Borrowing money. There is no perfect man out there the trick is to know which imperfections we can live with and which will destroy your spirit.

 

I've known plenty of people that get their sense of who they are from what they do - that's not necessarily a bad thing (we're all grateful for the dedicated surgeons who leave the golf course to perform open heart surgery, or the firemen and policemen that are there when we need them) but many a broken marriage pays testimony to the fact that there are casualties for these kind of choices. if you're not willing to be one and you can't both come up with a workable plan to shift the emphasis within your relationship then you'd better go and find the guy writing the love poems under the coconut tree, who by the way will expect you to support him.

 

After all that, what to do? Stay or go? Go if you're not happy. Go if you don't get what you need. Go if he can't or won't hear you when you speak and wont make any changes to show he values the relationship but stay if you can accept his limitations and still be happy and proud of his achievments. Your call.

 

Good luck

R