Ariadne Posted January 19, 2008 Share Posted January 19, 2008 (edited) My R is happy, but it isn't "perfect"... It has its own ups and downs as I was telling you...We are set to go through some big changes before our wedding... Oh oh... Oh..... oh....... (this business of meeting guys in in online dating sites... "Wonderboy".. hmm) Edited January 19, 2008 by Ariadne Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted January 19, 2008 Share Posted January 19, 2008 kamille, if he's an alcoholic, only he can admit to this. If you plan on proceeding further into this relationship, you had best arm yourself with information from al-anon or organizations that suggest how to live with someone who's an alcoholic. You can't fix him, if he is an alcoholic. As Geish mentioned in her thread, there will always be an element of control in any relationship. Where I hesitate, is the degree of control. Are your issues with him, core differences of lifestyle? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kamille Posted January 19, 2008 Author Share Posted January 19, 2008 kamille, if he's an alcoholic, only he can admit to this. If you plan on proceeding further into this relationship, you had best arm yourself with information from al-anon or organizations that suggest how to live with someone who's an alcoholic. You can't fix him, if he is an alcoholic. As Geish mentioned in her thread, there will always be an element of control in any relationship. Where I hesitate, is the degree of control. Are your issues with him, core differences of lifestyle? Except for the drinking and smoking we share pretty much exactly the same lifestyle, beliefs and tastes. We even have the same job, only for different institutions. I have started reading litterature from al-anon and organizations that have recommandations for friends and families of alcoholics. Interestingly, according to the litterature, my bf qualifies has having an alcohol problem, but not as an alcoholic. That bit of information was interesting because I thought binge drinking was a sure sign of alcoholism. The groups are open to anyone friend or family who has a hard time dealing with their partner's relationship to alcohol. Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted January 19, 2008 Share Posted January 19, 2008 Oh oh... Oh..... oh....... (this business of meeting guys in in online dating sites... "Wonderboy".. hmm) What is this supposed to mean? If you would like to openly criticise my relationship, i would prefer you do it in MY threads, not someone elses. either that, or PM me. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted January 19, 2008 Share Posted January 19, 2008 Except for the drinking and smoking we share pretty much exactly the same lifestyle, beliefs and tastes. We even have the same job, only for different institutions. I have started reading litterature from al-anon and organizations that have recommandations for friends and families of alcoholics. Interestingly, according to the litterature, my bf qualifies has having an alcohol problem, but not as an alcoholic. That bit of information was interesting because I thought binge drinking was a sure sign of alcoholism. The groups are open to anyone friend or family who has a hard time dealing with their partner's relationship to alcohol. While I've never participated in al-anon, I've had sufficient exposure to its teachings, that make me believe in the core messages of: You are responsible for yourself.You cannot fix the alcoholic.You cannot allow the dysfunction to affect your life, in that you can't control them.You also shouldn't empower an alcoholic by taking up the slack for responsibilities.etc.The messages are about acceptance, non-empowering, non-controlling, and the release of resentments. In essence, realizing that the alcoholic is an individual unto themselves and not a reflection of who you are. The messages can be applied to all aspects of a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted January 19, 2008 Share Posted January 19, 2008 What is this supposed to mean? That it sounds pretty bad? Like it's going downtown? Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted January 19, 2008 Share Posted January 19, 2008 That it sounds pretty bad? Like it's going downtown? The big changes I was talking about are- - sticking to a rigid savings plan for the next six months so we can save a deposit for a house - quitting our jobs in the UK - travelling for two months (can put a strain on the healthiest of Rs) - moving to another country on the other side of the world (it is our home country, but we will be leaving a few friends behind) - deciding where to live in said country -planning a wedding and getting married. - finding new jobs - buying a house with said saved deposit. Quite a bit for one year, don't you think? Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted January 19, 2008 Share Posted January 19, 2008 While I've never participated in al-anon, I've had sufficient exposure to its teachings, that make me believe in the core messages of:You are responsible for yourself.You cannot fix the alcoholic.You cannot allow the dysfunction to affect your life, in that you can't control them.You also shouldn't empower an alcoholic by taking up the slack for responsibilities.etc.The messages are about acceptance, non-empowering, non-controlling, and the release of resentments. In essence, realizing that the alcoholic is an individual unto themselves and not a reflection of who you are. The messages can be applied to all aspects of a relationship. A good post. Do you think it supports the theory that you should accept them for what they are though? What about moderate or mild alcohol problems that could be dealt with if the individual accepts that their behaviour is detrimental to the R, and takes steps to change themselves? Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted January 19, 2008 Share Posted January 19, 2008 A good post. Do you think it supports the theory that you should accept them for what they are though? What about moderate or mild alcohol problems that could be dealt with if the individual accepts that their behaviour is detrimental to the R, and takes steps to change themselves? It's up to you to accept them or to walk away, if the differences are key to your relationship. Kamille's b/f appears to live a reasonably unhealthy lifestyle. It's not really her right to try to change his lifestyle, even if it's for his own good. On the otherhand, if she finds his lifestyle so appalling, she needs to decide if these are dealbreakers. If the decision rests on these aspects being non-dealbreakers, acceptance is key, otherwise you create a continuous conflict if he's unwilling to change. Of course, continuous conflict with building resentments creates the perfect atmosphere for the final dust-up. How far she wants to push him, is up to her. No one is the perfect mate. It's how far and deep, the dysfunction or differences, affects the relationship. Btw, I know exactly how she feels about wanting to mould someone who has incredible potential. What I've found from past experiences, is that people can only be helped if they're willing to help themselves. If someone wants to wallow in their dysfunction, don't let them drag you down. Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted January 19, 2008 Share Posted January 19, 2008 What I've found from past experiences, is that people can only be helped if they're willing to help themselves. If someone wants to wallow in their dysfunction, don't let them drag you down.And thats the key point, because at the moment, we don't know how receptive Kamilles BF is going to be to talking to her about it, and we don't know if he is willing to make any changes. He will probably take her concerns on board though- whether he acts on them or not remains to be seen. I hope he does. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted January 19, 2008 Share Posted January 19, 2008 And thats the key point, because at the moment, we don't know how Kamilles BF is going to be to talking to her about it, and we don't know if he is willing to make any changes. He will probably take her concerns on board though- whether he acts on them or not remains to be seen. I hope he does. As long as she judges him by his actions and not his words. Words are easy, strength of conviction by applying theory to action, is not easy. I hope he does take her concerns under consideration and application of such. It can only be beneficial to both of them. Once again, on the other hand, if he's unwilling to change, she can't make him change. Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted January 19, 2008 Share Posted January 19, 2008 As long as she judges him by his actions and not his words. Words are easy, strength of conviction by applying theory to action, is not easy. I hope he does take her concerns under consideration and application of such. It can only be beneficial to both of them. Once again, on the other hand, if he's unwilling to change, she can't make him change. Absolutely. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kamille Posted January 19, 2008 Author Share Posted January 19, 2008 As long as she judges him by his actions and not his words. Words are easy, strength of conviction by applying theory to action, is not easy. I hope he does take her concerns under consideration and application of such. It can only be beneficial to both of them. Once again, on the other hand, if he's unwilling to change, she can't make him change. Agreed agreed agreed with previous exchange between Sb and TBF. The way I see it, a lot of "words" are going to be clarified when I get home (he might, for example, refuse the conversation or he might refuse to negotiate "get drunk time" with me). Then there will definitely be a time when his actions will matter most. So far, everytime he has made a promise, he has kept it. that is, I do believe he is someone who doesn't make a promise unless he wants to. We'll see what happens. For my part, I have to say that knowing when my bf is going to be 'absent' because of alcohol is something important to me. I beleive that this is compromise that he can maintain. If he can't, then I agree that I can't make him change and will need to reconsider the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted January 19, 2008 Share Posted January 19, 2008 I really hope you don't. Things sound like they have been going well so far. He sounds like the kind of guy you can talk to if you have concerns. And I know you will be calm and rational when you talk to him, if your posts are anything to go by. Link to post Share on other sites
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