She Wrote Me A Letter

[Planofool]

You are right I have a choice, and if it only involved me and her it would be an easy one. There are more players in this game then just me and her. 26 years of living together makes for quite a big investment in family and material things.

I know that with the things that have happened since June of 2007 I am a changed man towards my wife, but I am not a changed man towards my love for my children. Right now things aren't that miserable that I want to upset their lives.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Yeah but really think about it. If your kids are young and they need stability, fine.

 

But let's be clear you dont need to suffer for you having to stay with a woman who's willing to hurt you at every turn.

 

Have you went to a lawyer to find out your options if you decide to leave. If you can have joint physical custody with no child support, I'm talking everything 50/50 could you leave?

 

I mean is the only reason your staying is because of the kids? 26 yrs is a long time. But it's also too long to put up with someone else's Bullshi*!

[Planofool]

Yeah I have put up with some BS, but marriage is a job and I thought BS came with the territory.

 

We have a 10 yr old and a 15 yr old daughter who would be most affected. We have a 20 yr old son who knows what is going on to a certain extent.

 

It's not only the kids you understand, I'm not a quitter, and I have not given up on her yet. I just think my boiling point can be reached alot sooner than before. I am not going to take any abuse in my life now. In the past she would always threaten me with divorce and I would go out of my way to square things up, but not anymore. The last time she used divorce as a threat I told her to pack her sh*t and get out. She hasn't mentioned it again.

[jmargel]

The road you are talking about is counseling? Or the way she treats me?

 

If I could hope for anything I would like for her to be nicer to our kids. I can live with everything else for now. Some of us are wondering if this is a middle age crisis or hormones or what.

 

I am going to start tomorrow looking for a different therapist/marriage counselor. I think I will go first by myself. I figure it is going to take a few sessions to bring them up to speed. Or maybe I am looking at that wrong. I don't want to sway them one way or another.

 

Both..

 

Going yourself at first is good. And by going yourself first, you are not 'ganging' up on her. It shows that you are willing to put the work into getting things right. Like I said though, if she puts you down for going, or doesn't want to go when you feel it's time then tell her it's over. In the mean time when she makes a rude comment, or starts to yell, tell her in a calm voice 'I refuse to talk to you until you start acting like a mature adult. Talk to me when you are ready to talk without getting defensive or insulting'.

 

Start showing that confidence..

[Planofool]

What is the best advice I can give my girls when she is arguing with them. I can't get the girls to stop sparring with her. I am thinking about filming her when she is arguing with them just to let her see what she looks like. One time years ago she was arguing with our son and it was way out of control and I grabbed her arm and pulled her out of the room. My son was in tears and she was yelling and screaming at him. I didn't even think about it I just pulled her out of the room. She told me to never touch her again and didn't speak to me for days. She said I undermined her authority. What do you say to that?

[BetrayedMM]

Are you sure we're not cursed with the same woman? You just described the way things go 'round here with the kids. Except she never used the phrase "undermining my authority".

 

To be honest, my kids lost respect for her the last time I caught her screwing around and had to boot her ass out. Especially my daughters. I sat them down and told them the truth about what was happening(I couldn't lie to them) without cutting her down or anything, just told them that mom had a boyfriend and that was why we were fighting, and why she couldn't live with us anymore. The girls were young, yet very perceptive. Instead of asking her how she could do this to them, they asked why she was doing this to me! WOW! They also asked to meet Mr. wonderful. They never did. Speaks volumes about the OM, huh?

 

They don't know yet about this (these) A. I'll tell them when I have to, not a moment sooner. It hurt them badly last time. I don't look forward to it.

[Planofool]

Yesterday was ugly sweater day at school. My oldest daughter wore a letter sweater from our old high school. I asked my wife who's sweater it was and she said she didn't know. My daughter said oh that is a kid she knows dad's sweater.......That would be the guy my wife got caught screwing around with by her first husband.

My son said oh that's the guy mom used to sleep with. I hope he was just making a joke and doesn't know that to be true.

[BetrayedMM]

Don't be surprised if he knows. Kids snoop, and he may have found the same letters you did.

 

OTOH, my ball-and-chain has been obsessed with destroying evidence. Too late, and after the fact. As if she could somehow erase the past.

 

I wouldn't be surprised if my kids know either. They're not stupid, and unfortunately have seen it before. Lately, they have been just plain nasty to her. They almost never disrespect me that way.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Wow, plain your son just called his moms out on her acting trifling and she got the nerve to be defensive about that???

 

Come on man, thius woman needs to be far away from you and her kids!

 

She goes how you disrepct my authority???

 

Dude this marriage will change but only if you put your foot down. First stop is divorce court. Your kids need you. What parent does that to their child?

 

You wife sounds like a horrible monster?

[jmargel]

What is the best advice I can give my girls when she is arguing with them. I can't get the girls to stop sparring with her. I am thinking about filming her when she is arguing with them just to let her see what she looks like. One time years ago she was arguing with our son and it was way out of control and I grabbed her arm and pulled her out of the room. My son was in tears and she was yelling and screaming at him. I didn't even think about it I just pulled her out of the room. She told me to never touch her again and didn't speak to me for days. She said I undermined her authority. What do you say to that?

 

If you feel your kids are in danger do whatever it takes to provide safety for them. If she is yelling and being out of control with them, tell your kids in a calm tone of voice that they may leave the room and that you will talk to them later. Then make it clear and to the point to your wife that this will no longer be tolerated.

 

Make note of all the times when she does this, write it down in a journal. Better yet, keep a daily journal. You will be surprised when you go back to read it. I would seriously look into getting a lawyer to see what your options are as well with these children. Your children are going to have a really hard time dealing with all of this.

 

You really, really need to make a stand. She is so accustomed to disrespecting everybody that she has you all in line by fear. You have to be like a Sgt. would be to a private in the army. Remember anytime she disrespects her children like this, it's disrespecting you.

 

Honestly, what are you getting out of this marriage?

 

The day my wife would ever yell at my daughter or use fear on her is the day she would be out on the curb. I would spend my last dollar trying to get full custody of my child. Your children show more maturity than your wife does. Actually wife isn't even the word to give her..

[Planofool]

I feel like alot of her behavior is becaused I allowed it. Here is an example I just realized. She used to take her check from the one surgeon she works for and cash it. Then she would put the cash away in our bedroom and I would never know about it unless I stumbled onto it. When I discovered what she was doing we had a discussion about money and that she needed to put all of it in the bank. Not to mention what would happen if our house caught on fire. Yesterday she told me she now has direct deposit from that doctors office. Okay now the money is going where it is supposed to. But see....I didn't know that was happening. She would get mad when we had an over draft and act like it was my fault. I don't know what made it finally sink in but it did.

[LifesontheUp]

I feel like alot of her behavior is becaused I allowed it. Here is an example I just realized. She used to take her check from the one surgeon she works for and cash it. Then she would put the cash away in our bedroom and I would never know about it unless I stumbled onto it. When I discovered what she was doing we had a discussion about money and that she needed to put all of it in the bank. Not to mention what would happen if our house caught on fire. Yesterday she told me she now has direct deposit from that doctors office. Okay now the money is going where it is supposed to. But see....I didn't know that was happening. She would get mad when we had an over draft and act like it was my fault. I don't know what made it finally sink in but it did.

 

Does your wife know what being in a marriage is about? Not intending to be nasty but she is very immature and still acting like a single person.

[jmargel]

I feel like alot of her behavior is becaused I allowed it. Here is an example I just realized. She used to take her check from the one surgeon she works for and cash it. Then she would put the cash away in our bedroom and I would never know about it unless I stumbled onto it. When I discovered what she was doing we had a discussion about money and that she needed to put all of it in the bank. Not to mention what would happen if our house caught on fire. Yesterday she told me she now has direct deposit from that doctors office. Okay now the money is going where it is supposed to. But see....I didn't know that was happening. She would get mad when we had an over draft and act like it was my fault. I don't know what made it finally sink in but it did.

 

Make sure that check is going to your joint checking account. You allowed her to act this way, however it is her immaturity and attitude that started this. How did she treat you before marriage? How long were you with her before you two got married?

[Planofool]

We dated for just under 2 years. Thats so long ago I can't remember. Nothing sticks out in my memory except for the time she threw her engagement ring at me for talking about an ex girlfriend.

The truth that I know now is that she met with the OM (her cousin) the month before we got married because I have a copy of the letter he wrote her. He told her how nice it was to see and talk to her and that she should do what was right for her. He told her to tackle her problems head on and not to let them eat her up. I think her ex had been calling her and trying to get her to move to Atlanta with him. He did that after he found out we were getting married. Now all my memories revolve around the letters from the OM. I can't get past them.

Edited January 25, 2008 by Planofool

[Planofool]

Does your wife know what being in a marriage is about? Not intending to be nasty but she is very immature and still acting like a single person.

 

She has her idea of marriage. I think it revolves around what can we do for her today. When I asked her to marry me she said I had no idea what I was getting into. I always thought that she was saying that because she had been married before and because of that she knew about it and I didn't. I always replied I won't know until I try. But what she should have said was, you have no idea whom or what you are marrying. She always told me she was damaged goods.

 

She is immature. I did not realize this until you guys started pointing it out.

 

I guess in hindsight all the signs were there and at times she tried to tell me about herself. But for the most part this marriage has been a cover up of the past and the way she truly is. I think I am drifting slowly away from her.

[Chrome Barracuda]

She has her idea of marriage. I think it revolves around what can we do for her today. When I asked her to marry me she said I had no idea what I was getting into. I always thought that she was saying that because she had been married before and because of that she knew about it and I didn't. I always replied I won't know until I try. But what she should have said was, you have no idea whom or what you are marrying. She always told me she was damaged goods.

 

She is immature. I did not realize this until you guys started pointing it out.

 

I guess in hindsight all the signs were there and at times she tried to tell me about herself. But for the most part this marriage has been a cover up of the past and the way she truly is. I think I am drifting slowly away from her.

 

... I know I may feel like a schmuck but as I personally always want people to rebuild marriages.

 

But I think the best thing for you and your sanity and your children is to seperate. Just to see if you guys are for real. I think if you got out there in the real world without her you would be better off. Just my .02.

 

I dont think as a man myself could stay with a woman that toxic, kids or no kids.

[Planofool]

... I know I may feel like a schmuck but as I personally always want people to rebuild marriages.

 

But I think the best thing for you and your sanity and your children is to seperate. Just to see if you guys are for real. I think if you got out there in the real world without her you would be better off. Just my .02.

 

I dont think as a man myself could stay with a woman that toxic, kids or no kids.

 

It's funny you should mention toxic....she told me that was what I was one time.

 

OK I need to tap into the vast wealth of knowledge here. I can't explain the way I feel towards her but it isn't good. I seem to have fallen out of love. She told me last night that she now knows that she loves me and needs me...I really don't care.This bothers me alot because I'm not mad or anything I just don't feel anything right now. Does this fit into anything anybody else has gone through? It has been 7 months since dday.

[LifesontheUp]

It's funny you should mention toxic....she told me that was what I was one time.

 

OK I need to tap into the vast wealth of knowledge here. I can't explain the way I feel towards her but it isn't good. I seem to have fallen out of love. She told me last night that she now knows that she loves me and needs me...I really don't care.This bothers me alot because I'm not mad or anything I just don't feel anything right now. Does this fit into anything anybody else has gone through? It has been 7 months since dday.

 

Yes, I felt like that after 6 months. I realised I no longer loved him and couldn't have cared less whether he was in my life or not.

 

I'd been having IC for a good while and had come to the conclusion that I would never want to live with a cheater again. Too much water under the bridge for me.

 

There are a lot of issues by the sound of it with your wife. If she isn't willing to at least try and get some help how on earth does she think it will ever work between you. I think her continued inaction to work through this properly and take responsibility for her actions is pushing you further and further away.

[jmargel]

It's funny you should mention toxic....she told me that was what I was one time.

 

OK I need to tap into the vast wealth of knowledge here. I can't explain the way I feel towards her but it isn't good. I seem to have fallen out of love. She told me last night that she now knows that she loves me and needs me...I really don't care.This bothers me alot because I'm not mad or anything I just don't feel anything right now. Does this fit into anything anybody else has gone through? It has been 7 months since dday.

 

Well if she is still seeing this guy, no wonder you feel this way. It is still going on!

 

Even if it did stop, it seems normal to hit that stage. Once the cheating spouse comes around and realizes it's their spouse they need, the cheated spouse finally gets 'what they want back' but then realize, what am I truly getting back?

 

Though she is still seeing this OM. Now is the time to give the ultamatium. Goto counseling with her. She needs to makes some changes in her life, and now.

[Planofool]

No contact with OM that I know of. He lives 1200 miles away.

 

I just hate that right now I have very limited feelings for her.

[Chrome Barracuda]

No contact with OM that I know of. He lives 1200 miles away.

 

I just hate that right now I have very limited feelings for her.

 

 

It's called the plain of lethal flatness.

 

All of her actions and the drama behind it has caused you to detach.

It's not a bad thing that you are where you are now. Maybe your wife now can acknowledge your pain and your emotional estrangement.

 

She knows something's wrong, that's why she's asking you if your ok.

 

Because your not!!!

[Planofool]

If she is not getting what she needs from me because I am detached, is the air ging to be right for another EA with someone that will give her the attention she needs? I mean am I creating the atmosphere for this to happen all over again?

[BetrayedMM]

She seems to be at your mercy now. Don't worry about being detached, she certainly won't stray right now, under the microscope. Maybe some time in the future when you count on her, then she might do it, and that should be your focus- moving forward. One way or another, and both paths for you are a way up.

 

It's called rock bottom. The relationship is bankrupt, the account empty. You are free, it is one of those rare moments in life where you have nothing to worry about.

 

So, don't worry. Move forward with confidence.

[twice_shy]

If she is not getting what she needs from me because I am detached, is the air ging to be right for another EA with someone that will give her the attention she needs? I mean am I creating the atmosphere for this to happen all over again?

 

No. You already stated in your first post that when she had her EA you were getting along great, date night, affection, and whatever else.

 

So it doesn't look like your wife needs an excuse to cheat except that she is just plain old selfish.

 

With people like that, there isn't much you could do that you already weren't doing to keep them from straying. They will do it regardless whether it is an EA or a PA.

 

I'd say if she strays again, see a lawyer.

[Planofool]

How in the world have I spent 26 yrs with this woman and didn't see all of this? My own daughter inadvertantly pointed it out to me. It all seems to make so much sense now. But why did she have to be this way. I am the total opposite of her first husband. I have not screwed around on her once, not even close. She has treated me like she did him.