Author Planofool Posted February 5, 2008 Author Share Posted February 5, 2008 OK took her to a movie last night and left the kids at home...20 yr old son in college, 15 yr old daughter in high school, 10 yr old daughter in grade school. She left orders with the son to get a pizza, make sure your sister does her homework and takes a bath at 8:00. We get home at 8:30 they are cooking a pizza and daughter hasn't had her bath. So she starts in on them berating and yelling and lecturing. She gets into and argument with the 15 yr old and she retreats to her room. The son retreats to the basement. She finds out the 10 yr old missed one page of homework so she starts giving her hell. Then she goes into the 10 yr olds room and starts bitching about it. Later she goes back to the 15 yr old and gets into a big argument repeating everything she had said earlier. She comes upstairs and starts on me. Since her EA I don't take sh*t from her, so we get into it. She sleeps on the couch. I don't care about me, but when she verbally beats up on the kids I just can't stand by and watch. I don't know what to do. I'm not saying she doesn't have good points it's the way she handles it. If she doesn't get an argument out of you she keeps plugging away until you do. Should I be in another forum with this? Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted February 5, 2008 Share Posted February 5, 2008 I keep telling you, she is doing this because of the way she's learned how to deal with situations. It goes from her cheating on you to the way she is treating the kids. When she starts like that on the kids, there's only one word that you need to tell her. 'Enough!'. Don't get into the arguments she wants you to get into with her. When she starts, tell her 'I will talk to you when you are more rational', then walk away. She really needs counseling and unless she gets it, things will not get better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Planofool Posted February 5, 2008 Author Share Posted February 5, 2008 You are so right. I am going to try and find a counselor today. She is not a happy person and I am wondering if it stems from nc with the om. He made her feel like a queen and she probably is missing that. But overall she is not happy and everyone around her is picking up on that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Planofool Posted February 7, 2008 Author Share Posted February 7, 2008 I had a long talk with my wife the other night about her handling of the children and our relationship. I thought it went really well and I came away from it with a really good feeling. Yesterday I had to go to the funeral of a very close friend and my wife left after the funeral to go to work early. This morning I talked to her and asked if she had found out about the free counseling sessions that are offered at her work since she got there two hours early. She said no then went on to explain to me how she doesn't need counseling because she has it all figured out what her problems are. She says she has finally let go of the memory of her ex H and she doesn't need the OM to talk to anymore and she is deeply in love with me. So if I need counseling to get by all of this she will go with me. I said that now she was turning the table and making it my decision to go if I couldn't get over it. I said you brought all this baggage with you but if I need counseling you will go???? She said she didn't mean for it to come out that way. If we need counseling she will go. Then she decided she needed to go first by herself. I have known her for 26 yrs, she is not going to go. You say that I need to go for myself....what if I do and I feel better about things, but then I have to watch her yell and scream and argue with the kids or me......what have we gained? I told her I didn,t know how or when I will get over her past or this summer and the events that happened but I really want her to be a happy woman again. I can't take the angry person she has become. Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted February 8, 2008 Share Posted February 8, 2008 Doesn't matter how she gets there, let her goto counseling first if she wants. Make this a requirement for this marriage to survive. Otherwise tell her to pack her bags and leave. If she thinks she's going to pull a fast one on the counselor, trust me.. she won't. They've heard it all before. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Planofool Posted February 12, 2008 Author Share Posted February 12, 2008 She said she will go, but hopes there is more than one offered through her work. She wants to be able to try another if she doesn't like the first one she see's. First of all my money says she never checks into it let alone go. She has already made excuses not to follow through with it. She did not like the answers the first therapist we went to together gave her. He told me on my first visit without her not to bring her back unless it was her idea. So she never went back. She has all the answers, she doesn't need a therapist. She has been cleaning up her stuff and asked me to throw away some papers. Turns out there are pictures of her and her ex h in the stack. Along with the pics was a postcard from a guy she used to date. It was sent to her parents house on a date that was nearly a year after we were married. I asked her why these men were allowed to stay in contact with her after we were married. She said marriage would not keep her from having friends. What am I to say to that? Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted February 12, 2008 Share Posted February 12, 2008 Friends? They aren't friends but former lovers. IMO you can't be friends with ex's. My wife tried doing that after we got married, and it just about cost her our marriage. It's also out of respect, if one spouse feels uncomfortable with that situation, then it needs to stop. Priorities need to be put in place here and if she is not putting you number one in her life then there is no sense in staying. Also to point out that if she had to hide it from you then that was a sign that something else could have been going on. Morals is what you do when you know your partner is not around. It's ok to have friends with the opposite sex, as long as the other partner knows and is ok with it. I have many female friends and my wife is ok with it. I told her at any time she wasn't ok with it, to let me know and I would address the issue. My wife is my priority and it's all about boundaries. If I were to try to maintain contact and some sort of a relationship (even if I try to call it friendship) with my ex, that would not go over well. At some point feelings start to develop again and the person you are suppose to be giving your priority to is being neglected. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Planofool Posted February 12, 2008 Author Share Posted February 12, 2008 jmargel, she says I am her number one priority and that it is not okay for anyone to call or contact her now. And that is great news, but what about the first 26 years? Should I be letting this bother me? My wife just now loves me and is making me number one in her eyes. My god we have been together 26 yrs.......now I am important. We had three kids together and now I am important......all this s**t that has gone on behind my back. I just am having a real problem getting past this. Link to post Share on other sites
JustBreathe Posted February 12, 2008 Share Posted February 12, 2008 Sounds like the post affair anger stage is setting in. I know exactly how you feel. Married all those years (20 for me) only to find out your spouse has been unfaithful all along. Then you're supposed to be grateful they decide to stay with you and work it all out? Like children, they think an apology and a promise never to do it again is enough for years and years of deception and sleeping around. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Planofool Posted February 17, 2008 Author Share Posted February 17, 2008 Sounds like the post affair anger stage is setting in. I know exactly how you feel. Married all those years (20 for me) only to find out your spouse has been unfaithful all along. Then you're supposed to be grateful they decide to stay with you and work it all out? Like children, they think an apology and a promise never to do it again is enough for years and years of deception and sleeping around. Hopefully there was no sleeping around. They want us to forget it so they don't have to talk about it. Got a phone call yesterday from one of her old boyfriends. He said he was looking for a tool he thought I owned and needed to borrow it. Now, what if I hadn't been home? Who would he have talked to? Do I need to be an as#hole and tell him not to call my house? I have to see him during the summer, we have camps in the same area. He makes it a point to come by our camp and try and talk to my wife. I don't think he knows I know about their past. I told her I did not like it and she said it would stop. We will see how it goes this summer. Really folks, is my place to stop this contact or my wifes? Link to post Share on other sites
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