Waiting.

[Passing Time]

Hey all!

 

I've been dating my 35 yo boyfriend for 2+ years and we've lived together for just over 1 year. I'm 34.

 

He knows I want to be married and that I feel pressure to move forward with starting a family because of my age. I was clear at the beginning that I was not in this to just DATE and have a good time. Once again when we moved in I said I need for this to lead somewhere--I'm not JUST moving in with you.

 

He knows I would wholeheartedly marry him. I gave him the last 5 months just to think about things on his own without any discussion of the future or kids. Prior to this he would often comment about getting old together or what it would be like to have kids together.

 

I said he should not factor in my needs or desires or think about his parents expectations (they LOVE me and think I'm great for him--especially his mom). I said I realized this was a big decision and it had to be HIS. He really appreciated that 'space.'

 

Recently I said I can't keep doing this. I need for us to move forward or I need to leave. He admitted to not thinking deeply about it, and was caught off guard by my depth of feeling about things.

 

WHAT IS HIS DEAL?

 

We have a great sex life--he says I'm sexy and hot all the time, he says I'd be a great mom and that we want the same things. He says the timetable makes him nervous---and I can tell--HE IS REALLY NERVOUS.

 

We're established in our careers, our finances are secure, and we have a great time together. We enjoy the same pastimes and have a good bunch of friends.

 

He says he could not imagine life without me and that he loves coming home and that our pets are like our little family and he thinks it's so sweet.

 

Why is he so scared and nervous? And why can't he be more excited? In other words, is he JUST nervous, or do I need to be making contingency plans?

 

He says he's scared of divorce, and that he feels bad that he hasn't done more in the way of buying a ring, and he feels like planning an event is overwhelming.

 

I say divorce is not something that just happens, it takes negligence to cause deterioration. And that relationships take constant work, and that you can COMMIT to seeing difficult times through, and that I'm not worried about it.

 

I say we don't have to have an event--and/or planning doesn't scare me, it's fun and he can be as involved or detached as he'd like. He says he HAS to have an event.

 

I know what I want from life and I'm a very directed person and I like to make active decisions.

 

BF feels his way through life and is very private and cautious and slow to decide things, and then once he decides he is very quick to action, determined and focused and sees things through.

 

I am sad. I hoped for more enthusiasm. I do not want to strong-arm anyone--especially about something like this--and yet, there were no secrets about my intentions, so it's very disappointing that we've come this far and he has so much ambivalence.

 

I hate the mysteries that come and bite you in the butt after you work really hard to create something really good. And I imagine, if we did marry, I would have to learn to reconcile my style of decision-making with his more intuitive and unconcious style.

 

Is this all a minor set-back--I'm scared his ambivalence and reluctance speaks volumes. Why would I want to marry someone who's lukewarm about marrying me?

[kaboom13]

I understand what your going through. I am trying to figure out what my final decision will be. I have been with my boyfriend for 10 years this year. We have been through ups and downs big time. I feel like he really does love me but isn't interested in marriage. I am very bitter inside and am seriously considering just breaking up with him. THe whole thought makes me sad and depressed but I don't think that I can hang around any longer. I am very confused at this point and that's why I am reading other people's responses. I am also 30 and he 31. I don't want to wait any longer but I know for sure that this is it.

 

I am sorry to hear that you would like to move faster but my advice is not to let it go any further if it bothers you. My biggest mistake was that I kept accepting it and just figured he come around. Don't make it easy on him by showing him that it's ok not to be married. Put your foot down now or just move on to someone that does want to marry you. Men will always do anything and everything for a women that blinds them, that is if they trully are in love. You should seriously think about it before you get bitter too.

[Just A Girl2]

Hi there,

 

To Passing Time:

 

Although I'm not in this situation now, I have been in the past, and I understand your frustration and disappointment.

 

I think one of the biggest problems when a couple lives together and "lives LIKE a married couple" is that in the case of a guy who's not crazy about taking the plunge and getting married, having all the "perks" of a marriage, that he's getting from living together...well, he's got it made in the shade without having to make the "big real commitment." No matter how you slice it, in my opinion and experience, "living together" is just not the same in terms of the degree of commitment and responsibility as in a marriage. Whether it's a fallacy or not, a lot of commitment-phobes who live with someone but won't tie the knot, they do so because of a real or perceived sense of "freedom".....that if things get bad, they can just easily leave. They're not of the mindset that they're really into it for the long haul.

 

We as women who live with men, well it's been my experience that the men usually get the longer end of the stick...the better deal. We act like their wives in all aspects: chores, running the home, shopping, cleaning, cooking, companionship, being committed, sex anytime........so for a lot of guys, why would they "make it official" when they're already getting all of those things they'd have in something as serious as marriage?

 

You have to stay true to your convictions. You want to be with someone who wants to get married. You understandably have to consider your biological clock in terms of having children. Your guy is not giving you any indication at all that he's even remotely entertaining the thought of making a real lifetime commitment to you. You're going to have to be the one to decide what it is YOU want here. And if that involves you splitting up, or discontinuing living together for a period of time to see if that causes him to wake up and see what he really wants, then you need to do that.

 

2+ yrs of being with someone is more than plenty of time for them to know enough about you with which to decide if they'd want to spend the rest of their life with you. More than enough time.

 

Your guy sounds like he's a wuss..or just too comfortable with all the benefits he's getting now..things are very cozy for him and deep down, he likely sees no reason to change the status of your relationship...why would he? he's got it made in the shade.

[Waiting]

I seem to attract and connect to commitment phobes.

 

I have put my foot down and said I'm moving on August 15th (only because his parents are visiting us in July and I don't want to make a big scene).

 

This seems to have made him re-evaluate. However, I totally agree about the long-end of the stick.

 

I'm going to have to consider that as well and decide whether it is worth being here.

 

Thanks for your advice!