Overcoming jealousy

[Raizin_Drop]

Ive been dating my BF of 1 year who is an overly friendly guy. I get very jealous when we are out dining at restaurants and the waitresses comes over to serve us....his expression is like a love struck child. He is such a sucker for a pretty face whenever he sees one. I can see his expression subtly change. I am trying my darn hardest to overcome my jealousy as deep down he is a very good guy who treats me very well and i don't want to jeopardize this relationship. I dread going out to eat with him of late. I just want to feel comfortable with him. I have this problem when watching tv also. It seems the longer we are together the more jealous I become. I try to put it to the back of my mind and think positive, but it just doesn't seem to work. These jealous feelings are polluting my mind. I cant feel comfortable with him without worrying he'll say something i wont like or look at someone in a way i'd disapprove of.

What i wanted to know was, how others overcame their jealousy? x

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

My boyfriend is in a band. Do I need to say anything else?

 

Early in our relationship, I was very insecure. Girls call themselves his "groupies," ask for his autograph, and just generally show him way too much affection for my liking. I think a lot of it just took time, but I eventually learned to accept that this is part of what comes with the territory. I trust him, and that's the bottom line. Irrationally, I used to make sure I was at every show his band played because I was so nervous he'd see a prettier girl and forget about me. I realize now that I have his heart, and all those other girls can be as pretty as they want, but he will still love me. So now I can skip out on a few shows here and there

 

If your boyfriend wasn't a sucker for a pretty face, maybe there wouldn't have been that initial push that led him to you? It all comes with the territory. You just have to let him prove to you that he's worth it, and you will eventually come to trust him.

[Raizin_Drop]

Hi. My bf was also in a band:). But just before i met him a year ago, he had ceased playing at gigs and now teaches. Which is a relief for me. I don't think i would have been able to cope if he still were, as i am way too insecure to be dating a musician. Not as confident as some women are. Especially where he is also very very friendly and talkative, to top things up. I try to think positive, but it just does not work for me. This feeling is consuming me. I'm thinking that im going to have to get some sort of therapy at some point...

[disgracian]

Is this a trust issue? Do you trust him in the company of other women or do you think he will stray if tempted? If you are secure in his monogamy then (theoretically at least!) there should be no problems.

 

Cheers,

D.

[norajane]

I get very jealous when we are out dining at restaurants and the waitresses comes over to serve us....his expression is like a love struck child. He is such a sucker for a pretty face whenever he sees one. I can see his expression subtly change.

 

 

I'm not laughing at you - you just reminded me of an ex who would do something similar. Guys are so transparent sometimes! My ex would suddenly turn up his animation level around a pretty woman...it was subtle, but soooo obvious to me. And then he'd deny he was doing anything, just ordering a sandwich.

 

However, he was doing what comes naturally to some guys - the lovestruck reaction is automatic, not intentional. It's like: touch hot stove = recoil; see pretty woman = drool

I am trying my darn hardest to overcome my jealousy as deep down he is a very good guy who treats me very well and i don't want to jeopardize this relationship.

Well, since he's good to you, then you can try a few things. Humor - find a way to laugh at him for being a lovestruck boy and tease him about it. Logic - he wants to be with you and treats you well and loves you, so he gets the benefit of the doubt absent any reason to believe he's crossing the line with his flirtations. Honesty - tell him how you feel and ask him to reassure you of his intentions and to pay more attention to how he interacts with women so he doesn't give the wrong impression ether to them or to you.

I have this problem when watching tv also

However, this seems to be a little over the top. Lots of people drool over hot women and men on tv and movies. For some people, all you have to do is mention Brad Pitt, Johnny Depp, Jessica Simpson or whoever, and they go into raptures. It's just how people are. It doesn't mean he doesn't appreciate the beautiful person you are, especially since you are three dimensional and real to him.

 

If this is really bothering you and nothing helps to get rid of the jealousy, maybe therapy is a good option.

[Trialbyfire]

If you're feeling a little territorial, I think this is healthy. From the sounds of it, it's bothering you far more than it should, to be good for you.

 

Have the two of you ever had the exclusivity discussion? If not, it might help to discuss it, so you get a greater sense of security from it.

 

This type of insecurity is two-fold, in that both parties might have some culpability to it. His role should be to let you know how much he cares about you and you alone. Your role is to accept that he's not going to run around with blinders on and he's only human. As long as he doesn't cross the line that you both define as acceptable, it should be a healthy balance.

 

Overall, if there's no way for you to combat this type of insecurity, perhaps he's the wrong type of guy for you. You might need someone who's a little less overtly friendly.

[Rivka Bar]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 7 months soon to be on 8. His last serious relationship was with this girl that he'd been dating for 6 months when he was just 16 and she was 15 (yes, young love). Now, he has just recently turned 20 and I'm 18.

 

I can't help but feel jealous of her because she was the last person that he'd ever felt "in love" with. I have dreams about her a lot (I wouldn't say constantly) and most of the time it has gone to either me trying to impress her, or to look like I'm better, to us fighting, to her trying to prove that he (being my boyfriend) still loves her, to us being friends. It's gotten so exhausting that I have no idea what answer will make me feel content. One solution I found was focusing on happiness and pushing away the thoughts, but some how, they still creep their way back into my exasperating thoughts.

 

They don't exactly talk anymore, and he hasn't proven me right otherwise, but it's just this sense of jealousy that I don't know how to ignore.

 

Anyone with words of wisdom that will make me at peace?

[Raizin_Drop]

I do trust him in the company of other women. It's the women I'm very wary of. He's a very chatty, intelligent and

outgoing guy, and i can tell that women take to him easily when he is interacting with them. I find (some) women to be very manipulative. Ive also seen them mildly flirt even when I'm around. No respect whatsoever. I would never dream of behaving in such a way.

 

 

Guys are so transparent sometimes! My ex would suddenly turn up his animation level around a pretty woman...it was subtle, but soooo obvious to me. And then he'd deny he was doing anything, just ordering a sandwich.

 

 

VERY transparent, i have to agree. However subtle some may try to be, it can be clearly obvious to some of us more intuitive females.

 

However, this seems to be a little over the top. Lots of people drool over hot women and men on tv and movies. For some people, all you have to do is mention Brad Pitt, Johnny Depp, Jessica Simpson or whoever, and they go into raptures. It's just how people are. It doesn't mean he doesn't appreciate the beautiful person you are, especially since you are three dimensional and real to him.

 

When i mention Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp, he acts all nonchalant about it and says he doesnt mind if i have crushes on actors, as long as its not in real life. Its like he doesnt have a jealous bone in his body. I just feel that he hides it very well though. He doesn't like me to go out in revealing clothes without him, as he feels i will get hit on by other guys...so i guess maybe he isn't as immune from this horrible emotion as much as he pretends he is.

 

 

Overall, if there's no way for you to combat this type of insecurity, perhaps he's the wrong type of guy for you. You might need someone who's a little less overtly friendly.

 

I was told this before. But because we are both in love with each other, its hard just to up and leave for this reason. If he were more reserved with others (female), then there wouldn't be this problem at all. But he lives to

talk . With this problem out of the way, then things would be just fine. His over friendliness and affectionate touching, i cant deal with. He has eased off this behavior a lot since we have discussed it though, and i know he

is really trying. He said it would take time, as i already understand, because he has been this way for many years. I'm willing to wait as long as i can see change, which i can. But its what to do in the meantime, as he's going through this change, as there is still the occasional incident where he slips and then I'm back in jealous mode again. I just don't want to jeopardize this relationship in the meantime.

 

Anyone with words of wisdom that will make me at peace?

 

Thats exactly what Im searching for? Peace of mind. x

[BetrayedMM]

One of the red flags that a man might be cheating is when that subtle reaction does not happen. As long as it's subtle, and not flirting, it's nothing to worry about.

 

All men look at the flowers, some just have to pick them.

[swordfish01]

I am having similar problems. Why are men so unaware of what is going on with us? I have called him out on it and he still does it. Don't know what to do anymore.

[BetrayedMM]

Men ARE aware. We don't do it to hurt anyone, nor are we being inconsiderate. It's instinct. Men all have those passing thoughts and temptations. The trick is in(us) learning to control our(own) actions. But, the subtle reaction you're talking about is involuntary. Flirting, or going further is a conscious action. So is DELIBERATELY going out of your way to appear as if those thoughts aren't there- the result of guilt.

 

Really, it's human nature, nothing more. If your man loves you then you have nothing to worry about.

 

Women do the exact same thing. We see it, we notice, we know. No point denying it. We just don't tend to make an issue out of it. There are exceptions- the typical jealous, insecure, control freak type you see on lifetime for instance. Making an issue out of it makes a guy appear like a nutcase or insecure, so we bite our tongues. For whatever reason, it's more accepted in society when a woman makes an issue out of it. Yes, it can bother us too. I'm not trying to turn it around at all, just pointing out that the behavior is universal for both genders.