Is my BF gay?

[sarasmiles]

Please help! I need advice!

I have dating my BF for 2 yrs,living together almost a year. We have been talking marriage. I thought we had a storybook romance! We had sat down together before I moved in and talked all about what our beliefs and expectations and expirences were. I thought he was telling me everything...TIL

 

He complained of having problems with his computer,so I took a look at it and found many many internet files to gay porn sites.(he does not know I saw this-I could have mentioned it then but I just deleted the files and waited to see if more would appear-hoping it wouldn't) He has been surfing to them almost daily! Before I saw this I never thought there were any problems in this area. Now I feel paranoid. I was so happy,now I spend very day wondering is he living a lie? I told him a long time ago I didnt really see the harm in porn,but now I do because he doesnt seem to surf to any porn that has women in it. Since finding this out whenever he is at the computer and I come in the office,I deliberately take my time,'cause i don't want to "catch" him at it.

I am afraid of what the outcome of this might be.

 

I can't talk to anyone

[Bill]

It is quite possible that he is gay. I think you need to find a way to bring this up with him. Some way not so direct.

[Tony T]

I don't know what planet you're on but you have NO CHOICE WHATSOEVER but to talk about this with your boyfriend. Let him know you are aware of his meanderings about the Internet and by virtue of your relationship with him you need an explanation.

 

I don't think that just looking at these sites on a regular basis would be proof positive that somebody is gay. There would have to be other bits and pieces of evidence that surely you would have picked up by now.

 

You need to sit down and talk with him soon. If you don't think you can have this talk with him then you don't need to be with him anymore. If the two of you can't discuss issues of this magnitude of importance, you have no business being together.

[sarasmiles]

I always thought we did communicate. We had a conversation once where it came up (It was related to a movie we were watching -not any confrontation)and I asked completely seriously if he was gay. I said he should tell me now if he was so that we could both get on with our lives. He said why you would leave me ? I said yes, I wouldn't think it would be fair to either of us, he would resent me for not being what he really wanted.He then said no he could never love a man like that. I'm not sure in what sense he meant.

 

He seems like he really loves me. I can't tell if there are other "signs" .What would I be looking for? Maybe that seems naive,but I don't know what they are. He's neat?He cares about how he looks? I've never seen him checking out a guy,but I don't think Iv'e seen him check out other girls either.

 

Should I take him at his word? I can't really ask him about the sites unles I'm prepared to say I read his history. You say that that visiting these sites doesn't mean he is gay,what does it mean? Is it usual for a hetro guy to visit so many gay sites? I ask you earnestly,what do you think?

[Just A Girl2]

We had a conversation once where it came up (It was related to a movie we were watching -not any confrontation)and I asked completely seriously if he was gay. I said he should tell me now if he was so that we could both get on with our lives. He said why, you would leave me ?

 

His "response" to you asking him if he was gay, to me is very strange. I would *think* that most hetero guys would express SHOCK at being asked such a thing......maybe a response like "WHAT? Of course I'm not gay, what the hell would make you ask THAT?"

 

But instead, his concern was only whether you'd "LEAVE HIM" if he was.

 

To me, this in addition to the gay porn you're finding in his history files, indicates that something is likely up here. Maybe he's not gay, but maybe he's bisexual, or "bi-curious" and possessing an interest in men/gay sex.

 

You seriously need to sit down immediately and talk to him about this. Not only do you want to waste your time with someone who's not of the same sexual orientation as you, but you have to consider your health....is he perhaps experimenting sexually with men? Will he at some point?

 

As for how you're going to explain checking his history files, it's simple. Tell him you were surfing around somewhere, were checking something out and LATER wanted to go back to that same site but couldn't remember where it was, so you went into the History files to find it.....and then you found all this Gay porn stuff. That's pretty believable, I use my history files like this all the time, most people do.

[Leikela]

[color=indigo]

Like most people responded, there is no clear cut answer here. It is something you are going to have to talk with your boyfriend about.

 

As for his response, saying that he could never love a man like that, my theory is this: He is probably turned on sexually by watching naked men. However, he doesn't have loving feelings towards them, meaning he could never LOVE one but definitely is attracted to men and can get his rocks off looking at gay porn sites.

 

It probably would be a good idea to talk to him ASAP about this and then you'll have to decide if you can live with this other aspect of him, if you find out that indeed he is curious about other men sexually.

 

I wish you lots of luck!

 

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[yes]

I'm a girl, and I enjoy looking at pretty women & even les porn, but i would never date a girl in real-life. i suppose i'm a bit more bi than the average girl, but i'm still straight & only date men. So, if your bf is like me (reversed), then i doubt you have anything to worry about.

 

talk to him though!

good luck,

-yes

[veggie]

I always thought we did communicate. We had a conversation once where it came up (It was related to a movie we were watching -not any confrontation)and I asked completely seriously if he was gay.

 

snip

 

He seems like he really loves me. I can't tell if there are other "signs" .What would I be looking for?

 

It seems to me that whatever led you to ask him if he was gay in the first place was probably a sign. The mere fact that you saw a movie that dealt with homosexuality would not lead to asking this question.

 

As for the history files you found... are you sure they are his? Do the dates check out with the dates he's owned the pc? Does anyone else have access to this computer?

 

Bottom line is that you are going to have to talk to him about this and find out what is going on!

[Gray]

Originally posted by yes

I'm a girl, and I enjoy looking at pretty women & even les porn, but i would never date a girl in real-life. i suppose i'm a bit more bi than the average girl, but i'm still straight & only date men. So, if your bf is like me (reversed), then i doubt you have anything to worry about.

 

Maybe its just me falling into some traditional stereotype but I've always felt it was hmmm... easier for straight women to be attracted to other women, than for straight men being attracted to other men.

 

In short: looking at gay porn seems gay to me.

[sarasmiles]

To Clarify:

 

When I said I asked him (after watching a movie) if HE was gay,it was because I had already seen the history files THAT was what prompted me. I just felt I had an in on it since the movie was about a man who breaks the news to his wife(of many years-with two children) that he feels he is a woman trapped in aman's body. This prompted some dialog with us ,I saying that that I thought that was completely horrible to do this to her while he thought that he did love her and that it could transcend his gender/sexual inclinations. It got us on the track of is love more important than sex (what if you were in an accident and and something happened where you could no longer make love to your spouse,would that mean they should leave you or stop loving you? ) He was rooting for the wife to stay with the husband even though he was going to have the op to remove his equipment. While I loved the concept of a love between two people transcending any other circumstance,I thought it unfair to ask the woman to agree that she would now love him as a woman and her husband.Anyhow,this is how we got to the question.

 

Just so you know, when we started our relationship we sat down together with a list of questions and mutually answered them.I know this might sound hokey but my last relationship I found things about him that I couldn't live with after I was already involved and wanted to avoid that happening again.So on that list there was the question,have you ever been involved in a gay relationship,his answer was no-and if you knew that your intended had had an intimate relationship with the same sex would that keep you from getting involved with them.His answer was yes-he said that he wouldn't feel comfortable and would wonder whether the person would still have that inclination.

 

As for the computer,he is the only one that uses it.I have my own computer.(that's why the idea of saying I discovered it while surfing myself won't work) The times are usually before I get home from work.

 

I will admit that I was kind of incouraged by the some of the responses,namely the one who said she likes les porn but is still only interested in men,but then when I read Grays thoughts I have to say I always thought like that too-it puts fear into me.

 

Maybe I'll see if he tells the truth if I ask if he's ever visited gay porn sites,though I can't think how I'll get that conversation started.

[Just A Girl2]

Maybe I'm strange, but if I thought for one second that my b/f might be attracted to men, or had a 'thing' for gay porn, I'd be all over the subject like white on rice. I would NOT be pussy-footing around. I would want to get it out in the open ASAP.

 

Again, what concerns me more isn't the fact that you've found gay porn in his history files..........it's his RESPONSE to your question......asking if he was gay, and instead of flatly denying it, his response was "why, would you leave me if I was?" This response is a HUGE RED FLAG. You have to face this and explore it. He was not the least bit concerned with denying that he was gay, but instead, concerned ONLY that if he WERE GAY, you'd leave him. <------------RED FLAG.

 

Okay, so you each have a computer. Confronting him about the porn sites in his history files isn't brain surgery. Goodness, just make something up. Tell him you were trying to navigate a particular website and you were having problems...it said the site didn't exist or it gave you a "Forbidden" message and tell him it was some harmless site with recipes or beauty tips or some such thing....and it didn't make sense to you.....so you wondered if it had something to do with YOUR connection or YOUR computer..........so you decided to go onto HIS PC to see if you still had the same problem...........so you used his, were navigating the site.........something screwed up and didn't want to type out the URL (address) again, so you just went into his history files (tell him like you often do on your own PC, to save time), and that's when you noticed all the porn sites.

 

Sometimes a person just has to learn to be a little 'creative' when it comes to a delicate subject/revelation such as this. I'm sure you can think of something.

 

Also, Im not sure it's fair to compare the fact that many hetero women enjoy lezbo porn, therefore it maybe shouldn't be a big deal if straight men view gay porn.

 

I think we live in an age now where lesbianism has become rather "trendy"....amongst high school and college girls to 'experiment'.......even the whole thing about men diggin' the idea of threesomes where 2 women are 'together'.........this to me is in a whole different category than gay sex. I don't think it's trendy at all for straight guys to get together, say, at college parties and make out....whereas, it is for the gals to do so with each other. Double standard, maybe, but it's a fact.

 

Maybe your guy gets turned on by the "forbidden" element of gay sex......maybe he really IS straight.......but like I said, his response of asking if you'd "leave him" if you were to find out he was gay...........that response begs for further investigation and dialogue........because it simply doesn't strike me as the kind of response you'd get from a straight guy. Not at all.