MW in love with MM why is he treating me this way now??

[Arch]

lol come on, the nice quiet guys are usually the most intuitive. Hes probably waiting to see what you will do.

 

Seriously, I don't get how you can not know it would take that long to recover from an affair. You had another man stick his dick in your vagina......... that sends a pretty clear message of how important your marriage is to you.

 

Most of the people that have affairs don't think about what there doing.....

[Arch]

So What You Are Saying Is He Would Be More Forgiving If I Came Clean To Him Rather Then Him Finding Out Yr's From Now Or From Someone Else.

 

Im Not A Coward Im Just Trying To Keep My Family Together.

 

Lies only destroy, your only chance of not destroying your "family"(wtf why didn't you think about your family before hand?) is telling the truth.

[Chrome Barracuda]

So What You Are Saying Is He Would Be More Forgiving If I Came Clean To Him Rather Then Him Finding Out Yr's From Now Or From Someone Else.

 

Im Not A Coward Im Just Trying To Keep My Family Together.

 

YES

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

GOOD LORD YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

The truth is never overrated! IT is not just the cheating that might or may get the marriage,

 

It is the lies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

The lies, nasty, deceitful, hurtful, gaslite lies!

 

If your honest and end the affair. You may have a great chance of rebuilding!!!!

 

Why cant you just be a real woman and tell the truth. No matter the consequences.

 

If you get divorced then so be it. If he wants to rebuild then be happy and never cheat again!

 

Like Arch said it's always the quiet one.

[LILA BELL]

I Know Im Selfesh Otherwise I Wouldnt Have Had A Affair.

 

I Would Have Never Cheated If My Husband Satisfied Me Sexually People Tend To Forget How Important Sex Is In A Relationship.

 

You Dont Know My Husband He Is Harmless I Dont Think He Will Hurt Me,but I Do Know He Would'nt Want To Stay With Me Either If He Knew I Was Cheating.

 

Honestly I Was'nt Sure How Long It Took For A Bs To Get Over The A,but 5 Yrs That Is A Long Time Dont You Think So ?

[LILA BELL]

What if i just worked on myself and stopped the cheating and what if we worked on our marriage couldnt i just do that and not ever mention anything.

 

Honestly my H thinks everything is fine in the M .

 

I know i may not seem like i regret it or feel bad about it but i really am starting to feel bad about it,before i didnt care if my H found out,i did some pretty shi*ty things

 

When someone is having a A they dont care or think about the consequences.

 

I still have some feelings towards MM but they are not as strong as they once were.

 

All i know is telling my H the truth is not a option at this point.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I Know Im Selfesh Otherwise I Wouldnt Have Had A Affair.

 

I Would Have Never Cheated If My Husband Satisfied Me Sexually People Tend To Forget How Important Sex Is In A Relationship.

 

You Dont Know My Husband He Is Harmless I Dont Think He Will Hurt Me,but I Do Know He Would'nt Want To Stay With Me Either If He Knew I Was Cheating.

 

Honestly I Was'nt Sure How Long It Took For A Bs To Get Over The A,but 5 Yrs That Is A Long Time Dont You Think So ?

 

Yes you are selfish, beyond that, you are also a liar, deceitful, a traitor and a hypocrite. I got a whole lot more to tell you but that's besides the point.

 

Bull****. I've met women who have said their husbands are packing and sometimes they have the affairs for emotional attachements. You jumped in without even thinking of the consequences.

 

I didnt think I hurt people too. But beware the quiet ones. The pain comes back when you least expect it.

 

5 yrs??? Hmmmmm I dont know. That may crush him and he may divorce you, he may kill you, he may take a rusty blade and give you a jihad sentence. I dont know, every man is different but dont you think your husband should know the truth about what his wife has been up to? What?

 

Why are you deciding that he might not be able to handle the truth? Do you think he cant or you just dont want to rock the boat. Everytime he looks back on the marriage he'll believe ever since you started cheating. All of it has been a lie.

 

This is your chance to make things right, you only make them worse by not saying anything and hiding things! That is a cowardly act!

[LILA BELL]

CB This is surprising coming from a man,imean i expect a woman telling me these things,but not a man.

 

Im curious why do you stand so strong by the truth.

 

Have you ever been betrayed im sure it's not my business and you may not answer,but it's worth a shot?

 

My H is a very boring person in bed I have mentioned it to him before,he has tried to be better but it just doesnt do it for me.

 

What do i do just give up sex completely?

 

My H wont hurt me,he wouldnt hurt a fly he's a very gentle person.

[Arch]

Actions have consequences, nothing will "be the same",

 

Your only hope is to tell him what happened, apologize profusely reassure your commitment to him then communicate on what you both want.

 

I doubt you have expressed what you want him to do sexually clearly.

 

He may have a side you have never seen but has not let it out - who knows?

[Chrome Barracuda]

CB This is surprising coming from a man,imean i expect a woman telling me these things,but not a man.

 

Im curious why do you stand so strong by the truth.

 

Have you ever been betrayed im sure it's not my business and you may not answer,but it's worth a shot?

 

My H is a very boring person in bed I have mentioned it to him before,he has tried to be better but it just doesnt do it for me.

 

What do i do just give up sex completely?

 

My H wont hurt me,he wouldnt hurt a fly he's a very gentle person.

 

Talk to Me, Wog or Gunny we are all straight shooters. A man wont just lie to you to for no stupid reason, it doesnt matter the gender, You are always gonna have people who are straight shooters. male or female.

 

Standing by the truth? Hmmmmm, dont know. I was traumatized as a little kid when I used to lie alot. I got caught stealing from this arabian store. The owner took me to the back and threatened to chop my hand off with a rusty meat cleaver.

 

He said in his country we chop off the hands of theives and I damn sure believed him. So I try to stay on the path of the straight and narrow as much as I can. and besides if I dont give you the truth who will?

 

Me, betrayed. Yeah. immensely but that's not the point. I'm not up for discussion so dont try to reverse it towards me. lol.

 

You say your husband is boring in bed? Well what the hell are you doing to knock his socks off? You gotta open his eyes! Are you going downtown, are you buying eddible undies? are you working out looking good, are you letting him hit it doggystyle in the culo??? I mean you want spice right then take the intiative. I swear if she didnt initiate anything I might not want to be excited either!

 

No you dont give up sex, but you reinvent it. You make it exciting and show him how exciting it is. Every man has this sleeping beast inside when it comes to sex, you might have to drag it out from your man. Maybe he doesnt know how to turn his on, but it's there. I know mines is. lol.

 

Hurting you? See now that's where your wrong. When a man's betrayed his mind fractures not to psychotic levels. but bad enough for them to feel pain. and I mean deep scarring pain. A pain so intense that it stabs at you in your heart. Imagine feeling depressed, sick, anxious, hurt, hollow, anger.

 

All within the same emotion all at the same , exact, time.

 

That what it means to feel betrayed...

 

Never say never. It's always the quiet ones. I got stories I could tell you about my ex.

 

Before you can honestly rebuild anything, you gotta tell the truth. IT's only gonna make things worse in the long run. Believe me on that.

Edited February 20, 2008 by Chrome Barracuda
Also want to add the changes.

[bentnotbroken]

Lila, you missed the point. I said it could take as long as 5 years. I didn't mean that everyone will take that long to heal. It depends on how deeply they are hurting. They have to learn to trust again. NOT just trust someone else, but learn to trust their own judgment. Because if you are so easily deceived by the person you loved and you didn't know it, how could you trust that you will know the next time someone is lying to you?

 

The longer you wait, the deeper the pain. He will wonder if you have always been a liar with him.

[LILA BELL]

Well i will admit I dont try and spice it up.

 

Whats strange and what i have been trying to figure out myself is i feel funny doing all those things with my H almost i guess the best way to describe it shy.

 

I have asked myself numerous times why am i like this why can't i allow myself the be sexual with my H .

 

Do other people feel this way about the SO?

[Owl]

Yes...there are things I'd enjoy that I've not discussed with my wife. Mostly because I don't feel she'd be comfortable with them. But my marriage and my love for my wife far outweighs any desire to explore these things...inside or outside of my marriage.

[whichwayisup]

If you as much energy into your husband that you put into MM, then your marriage would be better.

 

My H will probably want a divorce,and im not sure i want him out of my life he is a great father to my kids he does alot for me .

 

I wish you'd thought of this before cheating. You can't have your cake and eat it too, on the expense of your husband and children.

 

My H has alot of trust in me it may sound bad ,but i think thats why its so easy to cheat because i know i can get away with it .

 

That isn't a justification to go cheat because your husband trusted you completely. Him trusting you that much just shows how much faith he has in you and the marriage.

 

Get to counselling to help you cope.

[LILA BELL]

Why can't we tell the SO what we like sexually how we really want it what we fantasize about ?

 

I mean I've been with my H for 10yrs,shouldnt the SO know these things already what we want and like?

 

Whats strange is i was able totell MM everything i like about sex i was able to tell him my fantasies.

 

Why cant i tell my own H?

 

o

[whichwayisup]

Why do you think you can't open up with your husband and tell him what you like and don't like in bed?

 

MM and you had fantasy, not real life. You both had fun, and everything was based on emotions and lust.

[Owl]

Because you care about how your H would react to seeing "that part of you".

 

But you DON'T care how MM feels...and/or you now know that he knows it and hasn't reacted badly.

 

The bottom line is that you didn't have the same emotional investment in MM when you shared that part of yourself with him originally. You didn't stand to "lose" as much sharing that with him as you'd lose if you shared it with your H and he reacted badly to it.

[LILA BELL]

Yes i know i should have thought of that before i decided to have the A.

 

But most cheaters don't think of the consequences that comes with cheating,all we are thinking about is how and when are we going to meet up with the OW or OM.

 

It is being selfesh i realize that now,i was having my cake and eating it to because i was able to get away with it.

 

When my H and i would have sex after it was finish i would get angry because I was not satisfied,I mean I would really get so pissed and bothered,i would say in my head this is exactly why i cheat on you,and i would go to work the next day and tell MM if we can meet up after work i needed to see him because my H is a sorry piece of s@@t,and can't satisfy me or last long ...

 

I know im going to get hell from you guys for telling MM that,trust me i feel bad about that now.

I feel horrible for telling MM so much information on my H he never asked i just told him and MM never told me anything about his wife,you know he never even told me her name.

 

I feel like a real dumb@ss for telling MM all those things.

 

I never realized this until reading alot of other posts on here but if i was not sexually satisfied then im sure my H is'nt being satisfied either.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Why can't we tell the SO what we like sexually how we really want it what we fantasize about ?

 

I mean I've been with my H for 10yrs,shouldnt the SO know these things already what we want and like?

 

Whats strange is i was able totell MM everything i like about sex i was able to tell him my fantasies.

 

Why cant i tell my own H?

 

o

 

Oh god I hate this crap! For all the women out there, men are not mind readers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

You was able to tell the OM anything because you wasnt concerned with what he thought about you, you didnt have any kids with him, You was wild with him, because it was just that wild. But living a double life is no way to live. If you cant express yourself truly with your SO, then you got some issues.

 

You need to be more open with him and keep the sex within the context of the marriage.

[Arch]

Yes i know i should have thought of that before i decided to have the A.

 

But most cheaters don't think of the consequences that comes with cheating,all we are thinking about is how and when are we going to meet up with the OW or OM.

 

It is being selfesh i realize that now,i was having my cake and eating it to because i was able to get away with it.

 

When my H and i would have sex after it was finish i would get angry because I was not satisfied,I mean I would really get so pissed and bothered,i would say in my head this is exactly why i cheat on you,and i would go to work the next day and tell MM if we can meet up after work i needed to see him because my H is a sorry piece of s@@t,and can't satisfy me or last long ...

 

I know im going to get hell from you guys for telling MM that,trust me i feel bad about that now.

I feel horrible for telling MM so much information on my H he never asked i just told him and MM never told me anything about his wife,you know he never even told me her name.

 

I feel like a real dumb@ss for telling MM all those things.

 

I never realized this until reading alot of other posts on here but if i was not sexually satisfied then im sure my H is'nt being satisfied either.

 

Why are you married?

 

You don't respect your husband, you don't respect your self and it seems like you don't have any interest in fixing your problems........

[bentnotbroken]

Why can't we tell the SO what we like sexually how we really want it what we fantasize about ?

 

I mean I've been with my H for 10yrs,shouldnt the SO know these things already what we want and like?

 

Whats strange is i was able totell MM everything i like about sex i was able to tell him my fantasies.

 

Why cant i tell my own H?

 

o

 

Why should he know if you haven't told him. Is he psychic? You have to make what you want known, not expect someone to automatically know. The mm didn't know until you told him.

[mental_traveller]

Why can't we tell the SO what we like sexually how we really want it what we fantasize about ?

 

I mean I've been with my H for 10yrs,shouldnt the SO know these things already what we want and like?

 

Whats strange is i was able totell MM everything i like about sex i was able to tell him my fantasies.

 

Why cant i tell my own H?

 

o

 

That's a good question and I'm not sure I know the answer. I think it's because if you are not open early on in a relationship, then certain expectations get built up, you both develop an image of each other and then you are scared to reveal something that seems "out of character".

 

I had the same experience in a couple of early relationships, and usually left partly due to this issue (rather than having an affair - then again I was never married and had no kids). After experiencing this twice I decided from then on I was just gonna be upfront early on, so I would be presenting myself as I really am, rather than putting on a front. So for example if I wanna be with a girl who likes being nasty in bed, then I might as well tell her that early in the relationship, instead of waiting 1 year and then suddenly "You WHAT? Get out of here you pervert!". Sorry I'd rather hear that after 4 weeks and save myself 11 months of BS.

 

In your case you were never honest with your husband, so now after 10 years you have this huge image built up as a goody two shoes, and you don't feel you can come clean. Probably you are worried he will think you're a slut or a whore. Well maybe he will, but you won't know if you don't ask. Perhaps he's spent the last 10 years jerking off to kinky porn and wishes his wife was more adventurous in bed. Maybe he *dreams* of being able to do the stuff you do with your MM, how about that? So by being shy and dishonest with each other, you might have missed out on the chance of having an amazing sex life to go along with the rest of your marriage.

 

Anyway, I can say from experience that it's *much* better to be open about your sexual desires early on. Sometimes I have expected some "nice" girl to be a bit put off, and sometimes they are, but you'd be surprised how many people are receptive to a bit of adventurousness. It's so refreshing to be able to discuss whatever turns you on, and not have to worry "What will she/he think about me?". Millions of men and women around the world have affairs, or use porn, or phone up sex lines or use hookers, just because they don't have the guts to be honest. It's tragic really.

[LILA BELL]

I would'nt even know how to bring that up.

 

How can i bring that up? what if he starts asking me to much questions like why havent you mentioned this before.or what have you been doing to deal with this ?

 

Would'nt it start a argument?

[Aoife]

Hi Lila. I think you and your hubby need to start communicating - even if it's baby steps to begin with, and learning to trust each other and respect each other through talking and listening. as for the MM, I think it sounds like more of an obsession on your part, not true love!! True love isn't like that - and also you were never going to get the chance to get over him if you were around him all the time. When people are obsessive over something (could be anything - like cleaning or counting steps lol), their behaviour does get out of control...it doesn't mean they're bad people, but just unable to think and act clearly. Anyway, I think by working on things with your H and talking and listening, you will get back on the right track!!!

[LILA BELL]

I have been reading over my thread and I must admit I seem pathetic.

 

I wish i can change the title of my thread,but i can't

 

I can't belive how crazy i was over him.

 

How did i get like that.

 

I dont even feel good about myself,lately i really have been thinking about how i have been lying to my H

 

You people dont even know the extremes that i went to in order to get MM attention.

 

I have been getting counseling for myself,although i feel the advice on here has helped me much more then the counseling .

 

I no longer feel that it was love i had for him,but it was infatuation he was an addiction for me and i know i am capable of falling for it again.

 

I want to be able to see MM and not feel anything at all.

 

I currently feel both HATE and still have some what of feelings for him,i cant figure out why he still has his claws in me,but some little feeling is still there i wont deny it.

 

A part of me hates him because i believed him he lied to me he was so sweet to me he was gentle he made me feel great about myself,and it's hard to believe he is the same person that treats me like i'm garbage now.

 

I heard from MM brother that MM and his W are really working on the M everything is going great for them right now his brother told me that MM really does love his W alot and MM is ashamed of the A and regrets it,that made me feel like sh*t.

 

When MM brother told me all this i got angry and some what jealous the jealousy was more towards them working on the M and moving on past the A.

 

I wish i can do the same with my H ,but i can't and i don't know when and if i ever will be able to.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I have been reading over my thread and I must admit I seem pathetic.

 

I wish i can change the title of my thread,but i can't

 

I can't belive how crazy i was over him.

 

How did i get like that.

 

I dont even feel good about myself,lately i really have been thinking about how i have been lying to my H

 

You people dont even know the extremes that i went to in order to get MM attention.

 

I have been getting counseling for myself,although i feel the advice on here has helped me much more then the counseling .

 

I no longer feel that it was love i had for him,but it was infatuation he was an addiction for me and i know i am capable of falling for it again.

 

I want to be able to see MM and not feel anything at all.

 

I currently feel both HATE and still have some what of feelings for him,i cant figure out why he still has his claws in me,but some little feeling is still there i wont deny it.

 

A part of me hates him because i believed him he lied to me he was so sweet to me he was gentle he made me feel great about myself,and it's hard to believe he is the same person that treats me like i'm garbage now.

 

I heard from MM brother that MM and his W are really working on the M everything is going great for them right now his brother told me that MM really does love his W alot and MM is ashamed of the A and regrets it,that made me feel like sh*t.

 

When MM brother told me all this i got angry and some what jealous the jealousy was more towards them working on the M and moving on past the A.

 

I wish i can do the same with my H ,but i can't and i don't know when and if i ever will be able to.

 

Yes, you can...

 

But it's tiome to get over the ambivalance and bust your ass to make it work! So feeling despair and depression. I know your going through withdrawal but you can make it work!!!!