Do I have any chance to get him back?

[tintinnyho]

My exbf just broke up with me three weeks ago after a 2 years relationship. The reason we broke up was that he found a "I miss you too" message on my cell phone and got mad. He then stopped calling me for a week for no reason. In the end of the week. I was very very mad and called him, he was very cold and started to blame on me cheating. I told him that the mssage was from him half a year ago, with his phone number and right date on it. And it was the truth!! He believed but told me " the sad truth is, I never loved you. I don't think it's fair for you or me to stay together anymore".

 

I was crushed. I didn't do anything wrong nor cheat on him

Throughout the two years, he never said he loved me but just liked me a lot. While I kept telling him how much I love him and was always very good to him. He is 28 and I am 27. He is still a full time college student and a full time bar tender. He lives in NY and I live in NJ. Before we broke up, we only saw each other one night a week because he was extremely busy. But it was always very sweet when we met.

 

After the night we broke up on the phone, I asked him to come over to my place for a closure. He came. That was the sweetest night we ever had.. Then we didn't talk for a week and half.. Then I called to ask him out. He said ok.. But during that two hours meeting him in a park, I cried and begged him back to me. He got so annoyed and screamed " can't you see it's over?!!!" "Please, accept it!!" Then, left in a hurry.

 

From that day, we never talked..

I am so heart broken. I loved him so much and still do. He only looked at it as a pressure for him and thought that I was a freak from being so obessed to him.

 

I don't think I can have him back because he tries to avoid me so much right now. But I just don't understand, if he never loved me, how could he be with me for 2 years? Even this relationship was always up and down, but he always tried to get me back after he asked few breaks.

 

He knows I still love him and care about him so much. But do you think I will have any chance to get him back after he graduates one year from now? Should I start it over like friends with him and win his heart back? Will he changes his mind?

 

One thing I need to mention is that.. he is really a very nice person and never takes any advantage of other people, but he is still using the cell phone which I bought !! He said he had to transfer the title on the day we broke up, but he hasn't done it yet!!! I am still paying the bill for him!

 

Please tell me how you think about it!!

[clia]

Call the cell phone company right now and cancel the service. Stop paying that bill.

 

I hate to say this, but it doesn't sound like you had much of a relationship with this guy. You were with him for TWO years and he never told you he loved you? Huge red flag! You were with him for TWO years and you only saw him once a week? Huge red flag? I don't doubt that he cared about you, and you were probably a fun way to pass the time, but you need to move on. I don't see why he would want to get back with you in a year or anytime when it doesn't seem like you ever really had him to begin with. Plus, he explicitly told you he never loved you. As much as it hurts, you need to listen to this. He is not lying. He is not going to magically change his mind. You had all the evidence in front of you for the past two years, but you chose to ignore it.

 

Good luck to you...please do your best to forget about this one. It'll be hard, but you can certainly do it. (Just think...wouldn't it be so much nicer to be with a guy who told you he loved you and wanted to see you more than once a week?)

[tintinnyho]

Thank you Clia,

 

Your words are helpful.. during these two years, I kepting having this feeling that I never really had him.. Then I would ask him if he was mine? He always told me sincerely that he was totally mine and I shouldn't have any doubt about it.

 

I don't understand his intension to keep me there for this long when he only liked me without love. Just to have somebody to play with? But he was always busy and couldn't even share too much time with his parents, who came from Europe to live with him. But as long as he had a little bit free time, he would come over to see me.

 

I am trying to not think of him, not make any phone call, nor write any email. It just hurts me so much everytime I realize he is not lying. Just as simple as "no love involved". But I still wish that one day, maybe after he gets out of school and gets a real job, when everything is settled, he would think of me, as someone who ever commited to him so much and loved him so much. I really wish he will realize it one day and change his mind.

[clia]

I don't understand his intension to keep me there for this long when he only liked me without love. Just to have somebody to play with?

 

Who can ever explain anything anyone does? It might've just been easier for him since he had such a busy schedule. (Instead of having to date a wide range of girls and try to get to know them, he had you, who he felt comfortable with.) As I said, I have no doubt that he cares about you in some way--he obviously had a nice time with you and liked to see you. But that doesn't necessarily mean love or a good long term relationship.

 

I am trying to not think of him, not make any phone call, nor write any email.

 

Good! This is exactly what you should be doing. Keep yourself busy with friends and hobbies.

 

But I still wish that one day, maybe after he gets out of school and gets a real job, when everything is settled, he would think of me, as someone who ever commited to him so much and loved him so much. I really wish he will realize it one day and change his mind.

 

You know what? He may very well look back someday and realize what an ass he was to you and what he passed up on. But by then, you will have found someone better and will be happy in your life without him. You will be "the one that got away."

[tintinnyho]

Your words are so powerful to me you can't imagine. I feel very good after you helped me clarify my confusion and feel the world is brighter.

 

However, he left me an email and asked me to swich the cell phone title yesterday. In order to do that, I had to give him a call this morning. Then I took it as a chance to talk with him and tried to get the I have for this failed relationship.

 

First, I made it very clear to him that I was not going to pursue him back. I just needed to hear the truth. He then told me that he just couldn't fall in love with me in the two years, even he tried. Every time he came for a short stay over night was just sweetened by intimation, but when we did get the time to spend more than 2 days together, he wouldn't feel that joy as I did because he didn't love me.

 

He also confessed that the attraction to me, most of the time were just sexial attraction, because I am pretty. He felt good when staying with me because I gave him so much love.

 

But he was not happy. Because he didn't love me, his gf. Now, he still cares about me and every feelings he has for me are no much a difference from before. I told him I am kinda happy to hear that. At least it's not from love to no love . As long as he still cares about me, I can accept the fact and be a good friend with him. He is happy to hear me saying it.

 

I think it's the best for me too. He is still in junior year turning to senior year of college, He may want to have a master degree after graduation and work as a full timer. He doesn't believe marriage at all.. Add these all up, he is not a real right person I should waste my time with.

 

However, deep inside my hear, I still wish for the chance. since no matter what I do now, I will not gain his love at this point. But he still cares about me like good friend. So should i take my time, still hang out with him once a while, start over like a friend and maybe gradually gain his feelings more? Or should I not seeing him for a long time and then when he sees me again in the future, he would get that passion for me again? After all, he likes how I look a lot.

 

I hate game playing .. and I will not wait for him forever.. but there is really nothing else I can do at this point while I still so in love with him. How does it sound??

[clia]

So should i take my time, still hang out with him once a while, start over like a friend and maybe gradually gain his feelings more? Or should I not seeing him for a long time and then when he sees me again in the future, he would get that passion for me again? After all, he likes how I look a lot.

 

He's had the past two years to fall in love with you, and it hasn't happened. That's just the way life works sometimes. Two years is a very long time to develop those feelings. He even sounds like he wanted to develop those feelings for you, but it just didn't happen. I think he's trying to be honest with you--from what he said, the two of you do not have a future together as a couple now, or ever. No amount of time will change that. Even if he does develop passion or physical attraction for you again, that is not love. Do not confuse the two. Liking how you look and being in love with you are two completely different things.

 

I hate game playing .. and I will not wait for him forever.. but there is really nothing else I can do at this point while I still so in love with him. How does it sound??

 

You said the key words: while I am still so in love with him. You have a lot of options right now. I think the best option is for you to not speak to him or contact him in any way for two months. Stay busy with your life, hang out with your friends, get out of the house, take a class, do whatever you have to do to stay busy. Go on dates with other guys. If necessary, write down a list of all the times he hurt your feelings and all the things you don't like about him, and refer to it when you get the urge to contact him.

 

At the end of those two months, you will be sufficiently removed from the situation to think clearly. Right now, the two of you have just broken up, and your logic is clouded by your feelings for him. In two months, you will not be so clouded and you will be able to look objectively at him and at the situation to realize that it is not the right thing for you.

 

You've already recognized it when you said Add these all up, he is not a real right person I should waste my time with. However, your feelings are screwing you up and making you want to wait and run after him. Do not do that! Stay strong and good luck!

[RogueK]

I don't know if you've gotten a chance to read my thread about my broken relationship or not but if you have you'll know i love and care for my "ex" undeniably.

 

I want to point out the first year and a half of our relationship i can't say i was completley in love with her and broke it off because of it. I eventually went back however because she was just there for me every step of the way.

 

I had a LOT of growing up to do and needed time and unfortunatley that time was during our relationship. Now that i look back i wish i was able to be in the mind set i am now because we would still be happy and together.

 

My point is if you do have feelings for this guy it might be good to back off, but just for your sanity. Stay friends with him if you truely do care but don't end up with him at night if he's feeling down. If he knows you're there for him and your feelings for him stays strong then possibly one day it will happen. I can only assume, as is for many guys, he needs time to grow and figure out what he is and what he wants.

 

The down side is that you may not be what/who he wants. Then again the reason for you to back off is to find that out yourself. Don't end up in something where there is a great chance of it ending.

 

Because you will find yourself on these boards heartbroken and alone. You/I/We all need to figure out what we all want and be certain of things before they happen. It doesn't always seem to go the way we want but all we can do is our best at what will make us happy in our lives.

[tintinnyho]

It's been three weeks... In the beginning, I couldn't get him off my mind for one second. But now, I can at least go a little bit shopping or watch some tv. I will also TRY VERY HARD not to contact him in anyway.

 

I will also try to date some other people.. But I don't really feel like doing it..

 

It still hurts me so much whenever I think of the fact that he will find the person he loves one day.. and treat her all by his heart, which is something I have always wanted from him but never actually had it. Now, even I told him to be relax and not to worry about me because I can look at him as a friend, but I really only said it to make him be less defensive. And I am so afraid that he would therefore forget about how much he enjoyed my love and how much I ever loved him and how much pain I am bearing right now. He would therefore be so relaxed and not to worry about me.. Did I make the mistake from telling him I am ok now??

[RogueK]

Since you and i are going through the same things - mine doesn't want to talk at all - and i know that if i were on speaking terms i'd probably be handling it the way you are.

 

The fact is, as what the common concensus on this situation in these phorums, is to work on yourself and letting go. It's killing me to do so and i'm not able to do it yet but i feel deep in my heart that if it is really meant to be the ONLY way to find out is by moving on. Love is a powerful thing and it has been known to keep two people together that live 100s of miles away, however it has also made people hurt that live with each other. It's a strange, wonderful and sometimes hard thing to have.

 

It just seems in my heart that if i really love my (i hate saying it) ex i'll have to support her wishes and not call her and leave her be. If she doesn't want to be with me i can't crowd her or make her unhappy.

 

Let them go. Only then will you and i get the answers we want. And i know you ask those questions everyday and noon has the answer you want. Lets just try not to prolong our suffering because in the end it needs to be about our happiness.