1stcav19 Posted January 19, 2008 Share Posted January 19, 2008 (edited) Ok looking for some advice here. I don't know if I'm in the right column for this, as I am new to this site, but here it goes: I started dating a girl about a month ago. For the first 3 weeks, EVERYTHING was perfect ... and I mean EVERYTHING. I was begining to have those "SHE MAY BE THE ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" thoughts already. Well, 3 weeks into it, she dropped a bomb on me: She told me that A.) She has a 4 year old son to a guy she went to a frat party with and date raped her. and B.) said loser is now out on bail awaiting trial for assaulting her a few months prior to us meeting. She did not press charges on him for the rape (she was young and stupid and scared she says) and wanted to keep him in her life since he IS the father of her daughter and she thought the "Christian" thing to do would be to allow him to be a part of their daughters life, regardless of how the girl came into existence. Well, this guy is obsessed with her and has been harassing her on and off, mostly on, for the last 4 years. He is basically a big fat bully, like 5th grade style. He is a very large man, extremely obese, and thinks he's tough because of it. Thats how he overpowered her in the first place. He is always trying to intimidate her, trying to force her into being his girlfriend with threats of physical violence. When she wasn't having any of it, he actually broke into her apartment and attacked her. Luckily her neighbors heard the noises and beat him unconsious with a baseball bat while he was on top of her trying to strangle her. he is now awaiting trial for that act, but our lovely legal system dropped the charge to simple assualt so even if he is convicted he is looking at 1 year in jail TOPS, but more than likely a few fines that his parents will pay anyways and probation that he will break. She has a restraining order out against him right now, which he has broken several times. A year in jail I fear, will only make him angrier and his actions will become more severe when he gets out. Here's my concerns. Obviously, the son is going to be there, always. he's a cute kid, but what kind of problems will it pose now, always having that connection to the man who raped, assulted, and harasses his mother? That kid's family will always be in the picture, as the scumbag's parents want to play an active role in their grandson's life. Secondly. This guy has threatened to kill other guys the girl has dated. He went as far as to jump one guy in the parking lot of his place of work. He somehow gets information on this girls life, and somehow finds out when she's dating someone new, and thats when things get even worse. He has repeatedly said, if he can't have her, nobody can, and that he will kill her and anyone who she dates. As I said, he's 6 foot 3 and 375 lbs. so he thinks he's invincible. I'm 5 foot 9, 205 lbs. and very athletic, but I know how big guys like that think ... obviously I'm a wimp because I'm smaller right? Now I'm not so scared of getting beat up by this guy. I'm a pretty tough nut myself (and I actually work out ... A LOT) I have studied and participated in martial arts the last 10 years of my life, and I just finished up an active duty commission in the Army. My concern is that this guy is going to jump me, and I'm going to respond in a way that I have been trained to respond to his threat. Thats not going to end well for him. I don't want to end up in jail MYSELF as the self-defense thing almost never sticks in this day and age. SO I'm weighing my options here. Friends and family have told me to run away as fast as I can, but I think it may be wrong to end things with this girl based on situations that are out of her control. She IS an amazing girl. She is very religious, doesn't drink, is waiting till marriage (at this point) and claims that he was the only person and that was the only time she ever had sex. Am I over reacting by taking this so seriously? Has anyone (guys or girls) dealt with an obsessive, violent, stalker ex like this in their own experiences? How did it go? I would like to get some opinions that aren't friends and family, and opinions from people who have been there themselves. I'm sticking by my bully theory for now ... he's a bully who picks on those he feels are weaker than him. He comes across a former Army Captain who still looks the part, he's not going to come close because I pose a threat of defeat and the bully can't deal with that .... lets hope ... or he'll see that I'm 5 foot 9 and assume I'm a wimp because bigger always means tougher to those people right? Seriously, that is my fear. I am so scared that this guy is going to get brave, and I am going to be getting myself into serious trouble if I have to defend myself. I do not want to have to fight someone, or hurt someone, or God forbid worse. But I am worried that if he has attacked past boyfriends of her's, its only a matter of time. What do you think? I'd appreciate any comments. Edited January 19, 2008 by 1stcav19 Link to post Share on other sites
Green Posted January 20, 2008 Share Posted January 20, 2008 first of all you called it her son, then daughter, then son again when you wrote the post... Does she have a son or daughter??? Secondly you sound like you think your a real tough guy. With that attitude you are definetly going to find yourself in jail if you fight some fat guy. I really don't know why they would drop an attempted murder charge so easily. This girl sounds seriously messed up dude. I would run for the hills from this entire situation, just run and don't look back. I'm sorry to even suggest this last part... but she may be playing you ... you know setting up a situation where you can attack this guy for her... Look man regaurdless I wouldnt want to be you right now ... by the way its kind of important for me to know on a scale of 1-10 how hot are you for this girl... Im guessing its got to be pretty high to be putting up with all this Link to post Share on other sites
Author 1stcav19 Posted January 20, 2008 Author Share Posted January 20, 2008 I said daughter once as a typo, yeah, you got me there, I had a lot on my mind and typed it quickly and have no clue why I said daughter. As far as thinking I'm tough . . I am ... are you offended by self confidence? .. you spend some time in the military and in a combat zone and you will be able to call yourself tough too. Thirdly, I never said I was going to seek out a fight with this guy. I'm not stupid. I was pointing out that IF this guy comes after me, I'm going to defend myself. What would you do? Let someone pummel you if you get caught alone in a parking lot? You seem like someone who is just looking for a fight. I don't even know why I did this. I knew I'd run across someone like you. Link to post Share on other sites
Green Posted January 20, 2008 Share Posted January 20, 2008 your the one who sounds offeneded. You should take my advice, don't fight this guy, and don't date this girl unless you have too. Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted January 21, 2008 Share Posted January 21, 2008 Are you prepared to have a violent and potentially deadly confrontation with a psychopathic rapist and attempted murderer? If so, then continue dating this girl. I would just ask, why do you assume that fighting this guy is gonna make it end there if you win? If you kick his ass, do you really think he is just going to disappear? Most likely it will humiliate him and make him angry, and he'll start plotting revenge. Next time he may well come with friends, or armed, and ready to kill or maim you. I think it is a really stupid idea to plan to just beat him up if he attacks - you won't stop his harrassment, and you risk him escalating it to far more serious violence. So IMO either you avoid the confrontation entirely (very difficult if he keeps trying), or you prepare yourself for the likelihood that you will have to actually kill him i.e. carry a gun and if he attacks, shoot the guy dead. To do this obviously you have to be prepared to face trial and argue self-defence. If you aren't prepared to do this, then there's no point dating the girl. Basically you are talking about facing a very dangerous situation, and taking numerous big risks with your life (violent death or injury, jail/death for murder), for the sake of dating a woman. If she was your wife before this stalker turned up, that would be different, but right now she is just another chick. For all you know, she might end up cheating on you with your best friend, or just getting bored and leaving you a few months or years down the line, or even cleaning you out in divorce court. Unless you are 100% sure this is your true soulmate and love of your life, then I'd seriously ask yourself is it worth the hassle. Link to post Share on other sites
xb0iib0iix Posted February 6, 2008 Share Posted February 6, 2008 I have so many abusive ex boyfriends, they forced me to have sex with them and physically and verbally abused me. But they never tried to kill me or anything like that. They wouldnt jump any guy I am dating. They have moved on supposedly abusing their girlfriends right now If you and her really think you are for each other, convince her to run away with you to another country or something. Or, this is going to sound bad, kill the guy because he is a crazy attempting murder rapist anyway. I probably would, he sounds really bad, kill him. Or just carry a weapon with you in case he does jump you. Hope I helped, xox Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted February 6, 2008 Share Posted February 6, 2008 I have a story to contribute. I posted about it years ago on loveshack so a search can reveal the complete story. I was with a man, on/off, for almost a year. He had drinking and drug problems. He cheated on me several times. We would break up and get back together multiple times, it was a very unhealthy relationship. His behavior grew worse and worse. He went from yelling at me, to spitting on me during arguments, and occassionally hitting me in the face. Once he smacked me in the face while I was driving and broke my glasses! I had to drive home squinting. Near the end of our relationship I became pregnant. It was a difficult pregnancy and it ended badly with a miscarriage at 14 weeks. After that loss, I found the strength to stay away from my abusive exBF - he called and called and I wouldn't answer, and he became enraged. I feared that he would attack me, so I asked a male friend to stay the night with me. He slept in the living room. My ex came over and broke down the door, threw me into a wall, and jumped on top of my friend and began to choke the life out of him while punching his head. Luckily, I owned a pitbull at the time. The pitbull charged to the rescue and first bit the arm that my ex was using to choke my friend, ripping the bicep open and drawing blood. Then when my ex let go, the pitbull grabbed the other arm and dragged this 250 lbs. man across the room, cornered him, and kept him there, on guard, growling every time my ex made a move. My friend got up and ran out the front door and called the cops - my ex meanwhile finally ran past the pitbull (who ran out the door after him) and got in his car and left. Eventually the cops caught him. He is currently serving 5 years in state prison. Even while in prison, he would call me. It was creepy. I've changed my phone number 3 times. Before he went to prison he made it clear to me that he will find me, when he gets out, and that he will wait for me and wait until I'm alone and take me "somewhere where nobody will find you". I have a restraining order against him and his mother. My SO knows that he may one day have to physically confront this man and hurt him in order to protect me. He got into the relationship knowing about my past and the issues I had. He still loves and accepts me and is willing to take that risk. We've been together nearly 3 years and are expecting our first child. But I plan to move to another state before my ex gets out of prison in 2010. Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted February 7, 2008 Share Posted February 7, 2008 At some point this vicious circle needs to end, or this poor girl is going to die. Though this situation is not what you asked for, it's something you must deal with. I would document, and notify the police on every action, every threat this guy makes to you, your gf or anyone else. Is there anything the army can do since you are now in a relationship with her? This guy is out of control, and honestly if he's going to go after her or you, him being in jail won't make a difference. As for her son, that is a big problem only because he is going to be influenced by his father. This boy will have to have displine in his life in order for him to not to turn out like his father. I have the same problem as you, but it's actually with my wife's father. She also maintains contact with him, although not so much. The best way we were able to resolve the issue is to just not to have contact. Let domestic relations know of the problems you are having and to have a third party there when he picks up his son. Also consult a lawyer you might have alot more options than we can give you. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted February 7, 2008 Share Posted February 7, 2008 No girl is worth going to jail for. No guy is worth going to jail for. That's all I have to say. Link to post Share on other sites
Green Posted February 9, 2008 Share Posted February 9, 2008 Yeah personaly I would not date some one with these kind of back stories Link to post Share on other sites
tikigods Posted February 9, 2008 Share Posted February 9, 2008 It sounds like this girl needs to get away from this guy, meaning move far away. She is just allowing him into her life by allowing the grandparents to be apart of hers, and he is going to keep coming after her as long as that happens. Until she is willing to let go of him you are going to have to deal with that, and you might find yourself in a fight, and eventually find yourself in a bad situation if he comes after you with some friends or a gun. I say she needs to take care of things once and for all Link to post Share on other sites
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