Abuse?....

[webwitch]

This thread was started in 'coping' but is probably better suited here:

 

Hi There,

 

Just joined as last night was the most awful night so far. Been married for 2 years and 2 months, hubby is in farming background whilst I was career girl, but now a stay at home mum to bring up our 4 month old son.

 

We planned our pregnancy and found out that I was expecting very quickly, throughout my pregnancy we would have most awful verbal fights. I put this down to him freaking out over baby.

 

He has two sons from a previous 9 year rlsp who he sees every other weekend.

 

He continously moans, belittles me to his 2 sons, to our baby and doesn't do much around the house (DIY, emptying a bin etc - doesn't do) and constantly tells me how he hates kids. Has even woken me at 5am to tell me he hates kids (when our baby is crying and needs feeding), then he'll walk into nursery and tell our son that he is an a@sewipe. I heard it on baby monitor.

 

I tell him name calling our son and me is not acceptable.

 

His background is farmers wife stays at home to bring up children. Man goes out all day late into evening to earn money and keep the house that comes free with the job.

 

Recently I was offered a month's job which would mean putting our son into childcare. The money was so high I could live off of it for a while, hubby had a problem with this and said that our son is too young for me to go to work (guilt tripping).

 

So I turned it down.

I am trapped in this house (this village that we moved to for his job) etc.

 

Last night I said that I wanted a divorce (after 3 days of not speaking and him using me as glorified child sitting service whilst he wanted to go out and get drunk thurs eve - I put my foot down).

When I said that, he said that I had - had all day to speak to a solicitor.

Well I flew, all that anger in me, and I hit him with my fist.

 

He restrained me holding both arms and then pushed me on sofa. He then punched me in the arm. I got up and flew back again hitting him and told him not to ever do that again and grabbed our baby.

Then I said that I would not leave as I did not have any bottles/cot ready and he should.

 

Well he wouldn't. He kept looking for a fight and arguements. He follows me round the house and mentally tortures me. He speaks to our son and says how I am a horrible mummy and I won't let daddy see him (not true). Hubby has in the past shouted and sworn at our baby and I have heard this from outside.

 

I have bruises on both arms (one from his thumb digging in when restraining me and one where he punched me).

 

I called the police. Two cars turned up. I was hysterical and I locked me and baby in room so he couldn't keep mentally going on and couldn't come in.

 

Police came in and I told them everything, they said where I hit him forst, I was the one who would like to be arrested - I said no one should be arrested, he needs to leave to give us both space. Police spoke to him and he said he had hit me 'in defence'. Between me and hubby - he's goliath and I am David - it is a case of little and large.

 

I told them that he was lying cos if it was in defence he would have hit me straight back, he only hit me after he had restrained me and let go.

 

He stayed away last night. I locked all doors. If I hadn't called the police it would have gone on all night, which is no good for anyone.

 

Thing is police now have to report it to social services as baby is in the house at the time. How horrible. I pride myself on being a good person, however I hate the person I become when I am angry and he is pushing me.

 

I have put up with years of emotional/mental abuse, put downs, bullying etc. I am constantly ignored, left at home, no phone calls etc.

 

His ex had an affair and I can kinda see why now (being on her own all the time and being ignored). That is what broke them up (he never married her).

 

I haven't heard from him, but he did text a family member last night to say that he is sorry. Bet he will show sometime today. Just not sure where to go from here or what to do.

 

I know I was wrong for hitting him. Any advice please?

[Jilly Bean]

Hon, you NEED to get yourself out of that house PRONTO. Do you have somewhere to go? Perhaps a friends, back to your folks?

 

Verbal abuse is one thing (and often precludes physical violence), but now that it has escalated into both of you physically abusing each other, it will only continue, and will get worse.

 

Its fine if you want to stay in that environment on your own, as some couples thrive on this unhealthy dynamic, but you have a child you need to protect above all else.

 

Do you job as a Mother and get yourself and your child out of that abusive household. If you have nowhere to go, then I suggest you find a battered woman's shelter.

 

Blessed be...

[TigerCub]

Hi WebWitch,

 

I'm very sorry to hear about your situation, but I do agree with the advice that you were given above. You need to get out of this situation, if not for you, definitely for your child.

 

See if you can stay with family or a close friend for a while until you get things sorted out, but you definitely shouldn't be in an environement where verbal/emotional abuse are common and where physical abuse is turning out to be the latest trend.

Nobody desrves to live like that, and if you have the power to change it, you owe it to yourself and your baby to do so.

 

**HUGS**

Best wishes

[webwitch]

Hi There,

 

Thanks for your replies. I feel ashamed that I hit him, thats not on.

I feel ashamed that I am a horrible person when he goes on and on and I snap. I feel ashamed that he wakes me up at 5am in the morning to call our son names and slate him, then I get defensive and cause an arguement, the neighbours hear and I am embarassed.

 

I feel like a failure for not being the strong adult here and trying to hold it all together and make it work for our little one.

 

Don't worry hubby not here and not stepping foot in this house until I say. He seems to be respecting that.

 

Heard tonight that he has been talking to my step mother and my father and that basically he feels unhappy and pressurised and has done for a while because I don't support him enough (I moved away from my home, family and friends to be with him and his job), that he is failing at work, that he wants to come home and not play a part in raising our son (doesn't want to continue with night shift feeds every other night), wants to go down the pub when he feels like it etc.

 

Hmmm. Have said to my mum that if I am to raise our child alone (after him saying the above) then I would rather live and be on my own, otherwise its like putting a kid in a sweet shop and the jars ever so slightly out of reach.

 

Just can't handle the fact that I want to make it work, give it one last try, but know in my heart of hearts that its over and I still love him. Really hard to let go.

 

Gonna have to move out too and find my own place. Not ideal.

~Webby

[TigerCub]

Webby, I think that as you said hitting him was wrong, and you admit that, but you were putting up with a lot of emotional and verbal abuse so I can see why you snapped, yeah you guys shouldn't be hitting each other, but it happened and its done and you can't keep beating yourself up over what you did.

 

As for feeling ashamed that he wakes you up at 5Am to bitch about his/your child, I don't think you should be ashamed for his actions - they are his own and they should be things he's ashamed of. Not you!

 

He's playing the victim right now by going to your family and crying about how you dont support him when its clear that you've made plenty of sacrifices to make him happy and help advance his career which he's failing at (and that's not your fault either). He needs to Man up and take responsibility for his actions and for his child.

 

You shouldn't let him manipulation get the best of you.

I've never been married, but I have been in love and when the guy I was with was destroying my self esteem I put up with it for a while because I loved him and I knew that we had a lot of good times, but eventually I came to realize that he was causing me a lot more harm than he was doing good, and I ended the relationship. And yes, there were times when I missed him and I thought to myself that I should have tried harder and that we could have worked things out (I especially thought those things when I was lonely), but now, I'm so glad that I did what I did because after the break up I was able to have the chance to evaluate things in a clearer view and I totally built up my self esteem and I feel better than I ever did.

Yes, it is hard to walk away from someone you love, but there are times when that person is doing so much harm to you emotionally that it is the best thing to do.

 

Besides, now he says things about your baby and your child is too little to understand, but when they grow up they will, and I'm sure you wouldn't want them to grow up feeling insecure and ashamed.

 

Sometimes people need to do things that are truly tough, there will be times when they will second guess their choices, but if in their heart they know it was for the best, they will move on and find happiness again.