kaboom13 Posted June 20, 2003 Share Posted June 20, 2003 I like many other women of 30 am very frustrated. We are turning 10 years together this year. He is my bestfriend and trully am in love with him. Like many couples the fire has burned out. We can't live without each other because we are just too use to being around each other. WE enjoy each other's company but the passion seems to be gone. He is definitely hopeless in the romance area. Every few years I have asked him to marry me. He always says he isn't ready. He is now 31 and is still not ready for marriage or kids. I am very sad and depressed that he isn't interested in marrying me. Somehow he won't leave either. I don't know what to do. I feel like maybe it's time to cut my losses while I am still young and look for someone who is interested in marrying me. But I love him so much. I can still stare at him for hours when he sleeps and when he is reading. I still think he is gorgeous but the bitterness inside has made me a depressed person. I was always fit about 130 lbs. for my height is good. Over the course of two years I have ballooned to 186 lbs. Now I really know he isn't attracted to me this way. I can't seem to find my way. I am extremely frustrated and bitter because he isn't even interested in discussing other peoples weddings. My patience has run out. Does anyone else feel the same way? Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted June 20, 2003 Share Posted June 20, 2003 No offense, but I'd be willing to bet my willie that if you dropped a good bit of that extra weight, you'd find a ring on your finger. Sorry to say, it's just human nature. For most men to get excited, there has to be some visual stimuli. Try it, you'll like it!!! Or are you perhaps keeping the weight tacked on because you fear the very thing you outwardly profess to desire? Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted June 20, 2003 Share Posted June 20, 2003 I think you should absolutely cut your losses and move on. If he won't move out, then you need to do so. If he doesn't know what he wants after ten years, then he is a lost cause. I mean, he won't even talk about this. If he isn't ready at 31, when will he be ready? I guess the question to ask yourself is whether you want to be in this same position in another ten years, because you very well could be. If you love him and won't leave him, I think you need to forget about being married. But you don't sound happy, you clearly want to be married, so why stay? My manipulation advice (LOL) is as follows: Announce that you are moving out, and start apartment hunting. Arrange for movers. Start packing. Be very happy about moving out and about your "new" life. Do not cry, mope, or be sad when you are around him. (Save this for your girlfriends.) When he begs you not to leave, tell him that the two of you obviously don't want the same thing, so it is in your best interest to leave so you can find what you want. Move out. Put the fear of God into him that you are leaving and moving on with your life--without him. Sometimes people need that fear in order to kick it into high gear about what they have and what they are about to lose. By doing this, you will see how he feels about you. Even if he begs you to come back, do not do so unless he is begging you on bended knee with a ring in his hand. If you do this, you have to be strong--you absolutely, positively cannot cave in. It's like when parents tell their children if they do that one more time they will be punished, and then the kid does it again and they aren't punished. You don't set any kind of precedent if you cave in and come back when he gets teary eyed. You also still do not get what you want. This is manipulative, but I think sometimes you have to be in order to make people wake up and face reality. His reality is that you do not want to stand for this anymore or put up with it. (Right? ) Link to post Share on other sites
Just A Girl2 Posted June 20, 2003 Share Posted June 20, 2003 No offense, but I'd be willing to bet my willie that if you dropped a good bit of that extra weight, you'd find a ring on your finger. Sorry to say, it's just human nature. For most men to get excited, there has to be some visual stimuli. Try it, you'll like it!!! Come on now. I think most of us regulars here know how quick you are to tell overweight women here, just how much men dislike overweight women, but come on. This gal and her guy have been together for 10 yrs. It's only been in the past 2 yrs that she's admittedly gained the weight, due to being depressed about the state of her relationship. She's stated that every few years in the past, she's proposed to him but he's said he wasn't 'ready'....obviously some of these times would have been prior to her weight gain. Instead of just giving some pat answer and telling her to simply lose weight for her man......how about suggesting she get at the root cause of why she's overweight: her depression, her feeling discouraged at being with someone for a decade who obviously doesn't love her enough to make a real commitment to her. And frankly, *IF* his deep seated NEW reason for not marrying her is her weight, then he should be man enough to be upfront with her, tell her how he feels, and end things..so that she doesn't continue to WASTE even more of her life and fertile years with someone who's not going to give her what she deserves. What kind of a coward of a man would remain in a relationship with someone he's not physically attracted to (due to her obesity), and keep her waiting in limbo? That's just selfish and rude and pointless. Kaboom.....your man sounds like a dud, I'm afraid to say. If after 10 yrs of being together, and you both being supposed "best friends", he's still not ready for marriage, it's time to move on....because you're just not on the same wavelength....and life is short and you deserve someone who will love and treasure you enough to want to spend the rest of their life with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kaboom13 Posted June 20, 2003 Author Share Posted June 20, 2003 To Tony: You are definitely right. I should loose quite a few pounds. However I was always in shape and pretty good looking I must say. It didn't affect him then though. To Clia: I may just do this. I am pretty fed up by now. I just really need to focus on myself and boosting up my self-esteem. This depression isn't helping it at all. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted June 20, 2003 Share Posted June 20, 2003 I think JAG's made a pretty valid point here: if after being together 10 years and he's not ready for marriage, you need to move on. It sounds like he sees you as his pal, not wife material. If that's taking place right now, what happens if you guys actually got married and things reverted back to friendship level? You've invested a lot of time and effort in this guy, and it hasn't paid off the way you had hoped it would. Meanwhile, the clock is ticking. Life IS too short and instead of waiting on someone who's mind or heart (or both) are not in it, you could be meeting that someone who will love and treasure you the way you desire. It's a tough decision when your heart's involved, but the bottom line is this: are you ready to be his "buddy" the rest of your life, even in a marriage? It's a frustrating role to play when you're looking at it from a different viewpoint, and wanting to be more than that. Link to post Share on other sites
km82794 Posted June 26, 2003 Share Posted June 26, 2003 Dear Kaboom, I think Clia gave you some good advise, however manipulating it may be. BUT if I may add, before I would do something like that I would find out exactly why after 10 years he's not ready, is he scared, does he think you are better off without the piece of paper, are there other reasons that you need to discuss? I guess what I'm asking is WHY, Is he not ready?!?!?! There has to be a reason! I would find out, then proceed just as she said. Goodluck Girl!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Sunneybear Posted July 6, 2003 Share Posted July 6, 2003 I am kinda in the same boat. Today I took the advice of Tony and searched on the internet for apartments. I have some appointments to attend on Monday & plan to sign a lease to move in by Aug. 1. I think you should leave before you become even more bitter and angry. It is for your health. That is just what I am going to do. enough is enough............10 years. So people get married after 2 years. i think that I am going to follow the advice of smiling and being happy in front of him while I move out. The only difference will be that I don't want him back. Link to post Share on other sites
turtle Posted July 6, 2003 Share Posted July 6, 2003 10 years is a long investment. Often times, people stick together because they are scared of being alone or they are financially dependent on one another. It seems to me that he is more of a roommate than a lover. I think you should leave him. Yes, it will be painful. Yes, it will take awhile to adjust to being on your own. But, do you want to spend another 10 or 20 years in a relationship that does not make you happy? If you decide to leave him, I suggest for you to get some counseling. It might help ease the depression. Also, getting new hobbies would help you cope. Try to find an athletic hobby. This will help you lose the weight and physical exercise is a mood elevator. Best of luck to you! Link to post Share on other sites
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