What to make of this?

[smiley0010]

Hey everyone, I've been reading these boards for awhile and found you all to be very helpful. So I wanted to ask your opinions on this somewhat confusing situation I've found myself to be in.

 

I'll start off by saying I'm 22 and my wife being 24. We dated for 3 solid years with no problems what so ever and then got married. We have been married for the past 2 years. The were other intentions of the marriage, but I had no intention of going through with it for those reasons alone. I made this clear to her before we went through with it, and she said that she too felt as I did. So we did it. We were happy. We never had a lot of money, we were both struggling to get through school, but at the end of the day we were happy to be together. I'll start off by saying neither of us really had many friends. Especially me. I've lost a lot faith and trust in people to begin with and it was very difficult to allow people to get close to me. The wife knew this and said it didn't matter. She would do whatever it takes to earn my trust. Well, I also suffer from some depression issues, but that didn't matter to her either. As much as I tried to hide it from her, she urged me to talk to her and tell her whats going on so she could help me.

 

Anyways... Long story short I finally got to the point where I could trust her fully and things started going down hill from there. Last year I knew something was wrong, but I didn't know what. She met some friends at work and began hanging out with them and pretty much refused to do anything outside of the house with me. We never really went out much to begin with, but suddenly it was a problem for me. After some discussing and found out she was hiding something from me she told me she wanted a divorce. I asked her why and she just couldn't tell me. All I got was "I don't know." See her mom has been divorced several times and she told me "don't ever let me do that to you, I never want to be like that - you are the one for me!" So, without trying to force any opinions her, we talked through it. We ended up making a list of problems and began working on them. I worked on everything on the list, but she eventually stopped and went back to doing nothing. By nothing, I mean, she would barely talk to me, wouldn't allow me to show affection to her, rarely showed affection to me, refused to go out in public with me, etc.

 

A few months go by and she brings it up again. We go through the same thing and make another list, and the same thing happens. I can be pretty emotional for a guy and I told her how her refusing to do anything was making me feel. I went to work and came home to a letter that in a lot more words said, "I'm sorry I'm acting this way, I don't know what's wrong with me. I love you so much and I want to spend the rest of my life with you, but dont push me away - I just need your help. We can make it through anything!" This gave me some relief and strength to keep trying to make things better. However, things didn't seem to be improving much. I tried to be a little more romantic, supportive, and all kinds of things. But it simply did nothing, she started pushing me away and at some points getting mad at me for trying. In any case, after some more struggling with that we decided to move from our home town and go to college together out of state. I asked her 100 times if she sure she was ok with us doing this. And she simply replied "Yeah, it'll be lots of fun - I think we're bettering ourselves for taking this plunge!" We put those gears in motion and we started school there.

 

However, she started getting wishy washy again after only a few months and brought up a divorce again. Being frustrated by this point I said, "We've done everything. We've changed everything, and I've tried really hard to change things for us." And she goes "I know, I have no desire to try and I don't know why - you don't deserve this." At this point, I went in to self preservation mode and decided to stay here because I like the school and I'm doing well in it. She, however, stopped going to classes (and even skipped her finals!).

 

Oh, I missed something that I consider important. We had plans to fly home for Christmas and even after talking about the divorce she said our travel plans can remain the same, because she's a little uncertain about what to do. Anyways, I bought 2 plane tickets and then a week later she seemed kind of upset, so I asked her what was wrong. She said that she never intended to fly home with me and wasn't going to tell me until the day before our flight. She was going to end it over distance. I did lose my temper a bit at this point because that is just way too harsh. Anyways, during finals I wanted nothing to do with her as she was acting only as a distraction at this point. I slept on the couch etc. After awhile things cooled off for a bit and I simply asked her, "Are you sure this is what you want to do. Aren't you afraid of making a huge mistake and possibly risk destroying us forever?" And she said "i have my doubts." At which point she asked if we could leave on good terms in the event she changes her mind. Naturally I said that's fine, but now she became very cruel. She said some very hateful things to me that she's never even considered saying before. I asked her if she's doing this on purpose or what and left the apartment for awhile. When I returned she apologized and attempted to take it all back, but the damage was done.

 

I'd like to point out that during all of this we had a lot of laughs and good times together. We'd go shopping or something and have a great time, but when we would get home she'd be all upset. She told me she still wanted to talk to me, play video games with me (something we've always enjoyed doing together.) and even talked about traveling a bit in the future like we planned to. She even said she still sees us having kids together in our future! She continued to say she loves me, etc, but then when time came to actually leave for the break she started saying that she couldn't stand the sight of me, she wanted to leave so she could worry about herself and only herself, and other things of that nature.

 

Anyways, I flew home and she drove home with her stuff. I'd also like to add she left a lot of things here in the apartment that meant a lot to her. Not stuff from me, just stuff she's always held dear to her. We met up to talk for a bit and what was supposed to be a 10 minute talk turned into an hour talk because she said, "I've always loved to hear your voice. I love talking to you." I let her know how I felt about her, but I also let her know that I thought this was necessary so we could evaluate ourselves as individuals. I bought her a Christmas gift and she was really glad I did, because what I got her was something very special to her and it's something I did for her every year. She said, "I'm glad you got me this, I wanted it to come from you." However, she stopped saying she loved me and took off her wedding ring.

 

We even continued talking via text messages. Then one day I heard about a possible interest she had in a guy from a friend. So, me being confused I called to ask her about it and she basically refused to talk and we parted ways and I haven't talked to her on the phone since. In fact, she changed her number, shut down our joint cell phone account (forcing me to get a new phone/number). However, she asked me if I could pay her bills for her because she has no money. I agreed to do so. However, me paying it I noticed that her minutes were maxed and she had used well over 3000 text messages within a week of being home. All to a number I didn't recognize. They were literally communicating nearly 24 hours a day via text messages/phone calls.

 

I sent her an email asking her to not give up on us (in part because she asked me to never let her do this.) She knew I hurt and simply said she didn't want to talk about anything.

 

Anyways, I'm back now, pretty much lost all faith in her. I told her about this book I read that helped me with a lot of confusion. I gave her my number if she wanted to talk about anything (life related, not relationship related). She said she was glad the book helped me and she might read it one day, also updating me with her plans for school/ work. Because I misread this and took this a sign of trying to be friends I attempted to reply letting her know what I was up to (which got ignored.) I've only tried to contact her once since and it was only to let her know that I had mail for her from here that seemed unimportant. I simply asked her what she wants me to do with it. (no reply) Because of this, I simply decided to cease contact with her for as long as possible.

 

So to sum it all up, she's obviously struggling with something and I'm 95% certain its another guy, but I really don't think she has the heart to actually act on an affair, but someone brought up a good point to me. If they're talking that much they're not seeing each other...yet. I've looked at previous phone bills just to see if that number has been there before, and it has. They talked mostly when I wasn't around or at school (via text message) and right during our last weeks of living together they started talking on the phone while I was at school.

 

So my basic question would be - why would she go back and forth like this, admit something is wrong, and ask me to help her - and then bail? She has never doubted our future together until recently.

 

I'm doing my part - I'm improving myself and fixing things that I should have fixed long before I even considered a relationship, but I'm kind of uncertain on what I should be doing. For the record, she refused marriage counseling and all kinds of other things I suggested. Is she generally confused? Is her mind completely made up? How can she forget about how happy we were together and replace me so easily? (if that's the case.)

 

Another note for the record, we were each others first "serious" relationship and neither of us doubted it until now. I know a lot of you are going to say divorce her, but I have no proof of adultery and because of my somewhat confused religious views, I don't know if I should. I know I deserve better and I know there is better, but I've also promised myself, God, and her I'd be with her no matter what.

 

So I'm generally confused myself. I tried to explain to her that it's ok to take different paths so that we can both have a better future together, but I saw little point in destroying our marriage over it.

 

I'd like to mention that she has very little independence and she told me its something she'd like to learn and she appreciated me trying to teach it to her, but it was only making her angry.

 

Sorry for the long story, but everyone I've talked to just says "what a confusing girl!" and doesn't really have much to say other than that. I left out a lot of little things, but the core of it is there. I was looking for a picture of our dog and came by one of hers and I looked at it and felt almost nothing. Is this normal? It's only been a month. I know I love her and I accept her for who she is, but is it resentment? I'm not really sure what to make of that.

 

Edit: No idea why the formatting didn't hold. Trying to fix it.

Edited January 20, 2008 by smiley0010
Argh formatting.

[stbx2007]

Wow. Well it looks as if you've done everything you could. Go into "self-preservation mode" again and stay there. Your wife seems to be struggling with the fact that she is married and also has another guy but she wants out. Let her go. The good thing is that you have no kids. This is not a healthy relationship.

You mentioned that you read a good book. What book? Read it again, find a good counselor and start going weekly. Stay with counseling for at least a year.

As far as divorce and religion are concerned I think God wants you to be in your rightful relationship. You can promise to marry anyone or anything but that doesn't mean he is sanctioning it. Don't ask God to bless your mess. Go to a divorce care class at a church in your area. They have them everywhere. It will help you. You did what you could. She'll probably file for divorce anyway. You just need to stay away from her, she's a see saw and she'll keep on picking you up and throwing you down as long as you let her. Get out of it. Go to counseling and keep yourself busy. Meet new people. Join a club that is doing something you like to do. Get your degree. Good luck.

Edited January 20, 2008 by stbx2007
typo

[Ocean-Blue]

A M takes two people to work on it. She has clearly begun to lag behind, while you've been trying to fix it. If one partner isn't doing whatever they can to fix it, there's not much you can do. It’s like beating your head against a door, repeatedly, and not being let in.

 

I admire you for having the strength to stay away and not wallow. I think you're doing the best thing for yourself by moving on with your own life (i.e. going into self preservation mode). As for the religious stuff (perhaps it is guilt?), have you considered talking to a priest, pastor, etc? They may provide you with some spiritual/religious guidance… Do not feel OBLIGATED to stick with this woman. That does nothing for your M or her. Because at the end, all you will have (and her) is resentment.

 

She has checked out on the relationship. You know this. This is probably why you've begun to protect your heart...and you've obviously begun to emotionally distance yourself (i.e. not reacting to seeing her pic). I say, continue on this path. She has made it clear that she is selfish and wants to do things her way.

 

She was/is your W! And yet, she has shown you complete disrespect. She hasn't even given you a real explanation as to why things aren't working. She is behaving like a coward. She is confused most likely and is keeping you in the dark while she figures her stuff out.

 

This is hugely unfair to you.

[smiley0010]

Thanks to the both of you for your replies.

 

The book I read is titled "Mere Christianity" by C.S. Lewis. A friend suggested I read it as it helped him deal with a similar situation. I've never been much of a religious person, but my wife, early in our relationship, taught me some things and we started learning and growing together spiritually.

 

The reason my religious views are confused is because of I've never really been a religious person, but I'm trying to learn. Also, I felt as if I had no one to turn to during this time as the person that used to support me the most and talk to me about anything bailed on me/us. Because of that, I turned to God and have felt at peace ever since I did. I have considered talking to a pastor/priest whatever, but it's hard for me to open up to just anyone because of my trust issues in humans.

 

I'm not as strong as I seem, I've had plenty of moments of weakness, both in front of her and behind her, but I've learned a lot about myself and my faith in the process and for that I'm thankful.

 

Edit:

I also have a weakness of curiosity and sometimes go to great lengths to find the answers I'm searching for, by whatever means necessary. It's just something that comes with being me. I think she knows this and has since not replied to my emails perhaps because she knows about these things, but I guess I shouldn't feel guilty for it for the way I've been treated after all. I have been given evidence that she is pretty upset about it, but I can't be certain.

Edited January 20, 2008 by smiley0010

[Gunny376]

Your wife has a bad case of "FBS!" ~ "Flakey Broad Syndrone!

 

Men can get it also ~ but you tend to find it a lot in women ~ especially young women that married young.

 

But its also been my observation? That once a flakey broad? Always a flakey broad.

 

There's no pleasing, satisfying, pacifing these types? Nothing you will ever do will make them happy. They go from one guy to the next, have multipile marriages.

 

You? (From your original post) have a case of NGS ~ Nice Guy Syndrone ~ you need to get rid of that! I'm not saying become a jerk?! But, you need to "man-up!" and quit being so nice.

 

She's out either "scroggin" or wanting to "scrogg" some old boy? And your paying and footin' her bills! Ain't no freaking way Jose'!

 

She can't pay her bills, and she's not got any money? Tough! That's a little thing I like to call Life! Besides, she's got Mommy and Daddy and her Family to fall back on? Trouble is? They're not going to tote the note? So why should you!

 

The only thing that really works in situations like this?

Tough Love.

 

One of two things is going to happen! Either she's going to leave you? Or she's going to come running back to you? If she's leaves you for good? You're better off without her! If she comes back? You dictate the terms! (Marriage couseling, self-improvement books, no more "waffleing" ~ etc)

 

She's being disrespectful of you as a man, as her husband, to your marriage, the whole nine yards!

 

Not trying to be disrespectful ~ but if I were you? I would think she's trying to play you for a "fool" She's in the "cat-bird's" seat. She gets to have her cake and eat it too.

 

She gets to move back home, live life on her terms, flirt with her fantasy buddy, come and go as she pleases, when she pleases, as she damn well pleases, (aka the single life) while she's got you on the "back-burner' in case it doesn't work out ~ and has you footing the bill to boot ~ while you're in college!

 

She's pursuing her Plan "A" with you as the Plan "B" fall-back guy! She hasn't any intention of getting back with you! She's out looking for your replacement ~ but should that fail? Well she's always good old, dependable you!

 

All she's got to do is shead some crocidile tears, throw some tears and "I love you's" your way and she's good to go.

 

Guys "score" with women when they have sex with them! Women "score" with men when they get men "emotionally" attached and dependent upon them!

 

As far as religion, God, and divorce?

 

There are over 2600 different forms of Christianity? Known, identified, and recognized. That's not even getting into other religions.

 

I've a lifelong friend ~ we've known each other since grade school. She's very much into the Church. Her 3rd husband attempted to molest her pre-teen daughter from her 2nd marriage. She spoke with her pastor ~ and the stupid SOB told her she shouldn't divorce him over this!

 

Divorce Hell, I would damned near killed the SOB!

 

There's a lot of so-called "Christians" out there ~ and so you've really have got to be careful of who you associate with and listen too.

 

Joyce Meyers ~ she's on television everyday telling us how we're suppose to live ~ telling us to send in our money to God ~ but giving us her address? She's under Congressional investigation as to why she doesn't pay a dime in income tax ~ not a single dime! Yet, her "ministery" can fork out $23,000 for a damn toliet for her to sit on! 23,000 dollars for a damn toliet!

 

Paula Young? She's on TV everyday telling us to send in our money to her so-called "ministery" and telling us how to live our lifes, or how we should be living our lives ~ and yet she and her husband have seperated?

 

Ken Copeland and his wife take a "missionary trip" to Haiwai and the Fiji Islands on the "missions" cooperate jet? Must be nice!

 

Dump this little gal like a "bad habit" Go NC, nothing! Forward her mail to her in a big envelope! Take all the crap she left behind, box it up, and ship it to her! Give her "No" reason to contact you, get in touch with you, call you, and find yourself a good lawyer! As far as she's concerned? You've fallen off the planet!

 

Take some time off ~ get your head together, and then go and find yourself someone that appreciate what she's abusing!

 

These are some of the best years of your life ~ why do you want to waste them on some woman that's got "FBS"?

[smiley0010]

Wow, gunny thanks for your reply.

 

I see what you're saying about her being flaky. She has changed her career goals at least every year, but never once was she flaky about our relationship (until now!) so I guess that's why I was so confused.

 

I'm guilty. I'm too nice. Though I only agreed to pay for her first months bills. Actually, she's the one that told me she'd pay half of my rent. Probably from guilt for bailing. But at the end of the day I see just how similar she is to her mother and I hate to see her take that path, especially after telling me for years she never wants to end up like that. So I guess in a way I'd like to help her, but she doesn't want it anyways.

 

You're right though, after our first year of marriage I couldn't do anything to make her happy. And if I did make her happy she'd find some reason to be upset about it.

 

I don't know if I'd ever give her a second chance though, I mean we did have a good, strong, solid connection for 4 years, it's just this last year that sucked so bad, but if I ever decide to or if she ever wants one - it'd be a long, long, long road for me to be able to trust her again.

 

As for her stuff, I'll most likely take your advice and just box it up and send it to her. Frankly, I'm tired of looking at it. A part of me wonders if she left it on purpose so she would have an excuse to contact me later. I really don't know, but like I said some of that stuff she left is stuff that she likes a lot.

 

Life without her as been a lot better for myself, less stressful. It was almost as if this past year I was expecting her to split at any moment and when she finally did I felt a sense of relief.

 

Though, I still in a sense feel like she's my soulmate because of that connection we had and ever since we met I never really even was able to look at other females the same way...even though I see her pictures and stuff and don't see anything but emptiness, thats the way I see other girls too. I hope that goes away in time. I think she's caused me to be emotionally numb in that department.

 

We talked every so often how we should of waited to get married and stuff, but we'd always look at each other and say, "Yeah we made life harder on ourselves, but I wouldn't have it any other way." It's beyond me why she would say stuff like that knowing what she was doing.

Edited January 21, 2008 by smiley0010
in a sense