Happydays Posted June 20, 2003 Share Posted June 20, 2003 So this is how life is I guess, Well it has been 2 1/2 weeks since my Fiance of 4 1/2 years broke up with me. She told me she needed space and needs time to figure out herself. She said she was not happy with herself. She told me I never did nothing wrong in our relationship but she ws just unhappy. I told her you got to be kidding me. I told her I chose you to spend the rest of your life with me twice and she said YES Twice. I just don't get it. I am so heart broken I don't know what to do. I tried talking to her and she said that she can't make this commitment to me because she has not committed to her self. I told her I realized that she was young at age and even if we were to get married I would never stop her from doing what she wanted. Again she said it has nothing to do with me but she just needs to take this time to decide what she wants in life. She said she feels like she is going through a mid life crisis at the age of 23. I have not seen her for 5 days nor talked to her. I do have friends telling me that she has been going out often but unsure where she is going. So i have been giving her, her space! How long will it take to realize that what she did was the right or wrong thing to do. I told her i would wait for her but If she was going to go out to try and find better and couldn't I would call the relationship off because I did not want to be counted as second best. I am in shock and awe that all this has happened, We have a house together a bank account and visa. All this stuff , I am in her brothers wedding party at the end of the year and she was suppose to be the maid of honor and my uncle and his soon to be wifes wedding next month. How do I win her back? Do I wait for her to call me? Do I call her? I felt if I sent her a card telling her that I was thinking if her that I would be putting more pressure on her? She told me she will always love me no matter what but she needs to do this. I have her whole family backing me up and that they are all disappointed in her for what she did? I told her family to just talk to her and be compassionate because if not it would only cause more problems for me. Please Please Somebody help me! I really need this person in my life forever. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted June 20, 2003 Share Posted June 20, 2003 Sting sings, "if you love somebody, set them free," which always sounded like good advice to me. Right now her need for space is more about her, and not about you. Selfish? Maybe. But, she's come to a point where she feels she needs to think things through, without you by her side. If you're serious about how much you care for this girl -- even if it kills you -- give her her space. I know we've discussed on this forum time and again that "a break" means "I no longer want to be in a relationship with you," but if she's having doubts about things, be generous and give her the space she needs to sort it out. If it is meant to be, you will get back together ... Link to post Share on other sites
Gray Posted June 20, 2003 Share Posted June 20, 2003 Originally posted by quankanne I know we've discussed on this forum time and again that "a break" means "I no longer want to be in a relationship with you," but if she's having doubts about things, be generous and give her the space she needs to sort it out. I think where you're confused quankanne is if a guy wants a break, he doesn't want to be in a relationship. If a girl wants a break, then her bf should give her space. Didn't you get the memo on that double-standard? I thought JAG2 was sending 'em out... I'll fax ya one. Good luck to ya bro. When it comes down to it, she's got the power in this one. Hopefully your relationship is strong enough, that she'll work out her problems, and come back. Link to post Share on other sites
Cpunch75 Posted June 20, 2003 Share Posted June 20, 2003 The girl needs space, and what that exactly means is that she needs to think without you thinking for her. That is, she is so used to depending on you to think for her that she has lost her own decision making ability and wants that back, for her own sake. This is the real measure of the strenth of your ability to let her free, because what you do RIGHT now will either push her away or bring her back to you. If you pester her constantly, push to talk to her you will inevitably push her away. I'm going through the same exact thing you are, and it's working. I don't talk to her, i don't ask about her, I have been doing other things, I have been off the internet for a while and she has been wondering where I have been. Show her you care, just leave her alone, she's young, let her figure it out, try to walk in her shoes and if she comes back great, if not then just walk on. Cpunch Link to post Share on other sites
yagottahelp Posted June 20, 2003 Share Posted June 20, 2003 I agree with the last post- space works wonders I believe. It's a shame that space is needed sometimes, but at certain points in life (I happen to be 20 right now, and as much as I hate to admit it, it's really hard to grow up with someone right by your side constantly). My ex, but best friend, is feeling the same thing She feels she's been missing out on some things because she always feels we have to be together, or she has to check in, and it's hard to grow up when you feel that way-but over the last few months although we aren't official, we're very close to each other, have talked about mistakes-and that's better than just blowing it off show her that you can be you without her-and she'll find her without you-you both won't be happy unless you have outside lives, that sets the stage for having each other Link to post Share on other sites
Author Happydays Posted June 23, 2003 Author Share Posted June 23, 2003 Thanks for all the advice, I still feel my emotions going up and down. I feel like Crap and I hear from other people she is happy and doing everything she wants toshe has never made an attempt to call me or anything. This upsets me. i have not spoke to her in one week and I am driving my self nuts. I agree with giving her the space, but how much time does it take before she will realizes whats really going on. Her whole family is still devistated and her father and brother are still not talking to her and I told them it just causes more problems for me. Her Brother said that i have nothing to say to her. I litterally don't know what to do. One minute I was engaged to be married the next I am Single. She like dropped a bomb. Do you think because of her young age being 23 maybe she just wants to experience the summer on her own? I don't know what she is going to do. All her friends are my friends. I have planned camping trips with my friends and she will not show for sure. What is she going to do sit at home? I am confused. She is going to be so bored. I don't understand, she said that i did not do nothing and it is her that is changed. She needs to be independent and find herself. Well how long could that take? 1 month 4 years Ect. I feel like life is a mess, but i am coping, my friends are taking me out to bars like on workdays. I am sick of drinking already. Somebody just talk to me, why are girls like this. What do they really want. If she wanted to be treated bad i could of. Somebody help me get over this crap. Link to post Share on other sites
Cpunch75 Posted June 23, 2003 Share Posted June 23, 2003 Lets put it this way.......I think she's striving for independence and lately it sounds like she needs approval from her brother, father, sister parents etc...... and especially YOU so it sounds like she is at the threshold where she isn't going to take it anymore and is going to live her life the way she wants to. It sounds like everyone is planning her life BUT her. It all sounds very staged (the wedding, engagement, family mad at her decision etc) and she just flipped out. I can see why she's made her decision. You need to stop pressuring her to fit the mold and to play the roles everyone wants her to. A woman should want to be married, not forced. My gf has all summer off, and she had a choice, go to another country and experience something or stay at home and do nothing. What did she do? she's going away even though we are taking time apart I totally support her and would do the same thing! The minute you start pressuring her, that's when she is convinced you are not for her and she will do anything to avoid being with you. So just back off a little, be supportive and step in her shoes. Cpunch Link to post Share on other sites
ding Posted June 23, 2003 Share Posted June 23, 2003 What a load of hippy-kissing finger-sucking codswallop. This is such a load of early 90s new-age SNAG cr4p. I thought that stuff had been debunked already. Sorry mate, but chances are she's bonking some other guy and doesn't want to tell you the truth because she doesn't want to hurt you - any more than she knows she already has, or perhaps doesn't realise she will once you find out. In my experience female "space" usually is the complete opposite. Men like "space". For most women "space" is nothing more than a euphimism. It's not personal space she's looking for: it's someone else's. As a seasoned veteran at getting scr3wed (over) in favour of "space", my advice to you is - take cover. Or else you might get very badly hurt. I'm not saying I'm right, in fact I welcome the possibility that I may be wrong (i.e. a rapidly ageing cynical bast4rd). But cover yourself, prepare for the worst, yet try to remain open. You obviously care enough to get hurt. Real bad. And over and over again... actually, no that's me. So read some good motivational books and get your spirits up so that you can deal with whatever hits you and be prepared to palm it off if the final outcome wasn't what you had hoped for. If it's good - good. If it's bad - then you're going to have to make something good out of it anyway. Right? cb -- Link to post Share on other sites
Cpunch75 Posted June 23, 2003 Share Posted June 23, 2003 damm, the "space" word....... well if she can't even tell you to your face then she isn't even worth the time. I've been given the " I need space" line but it's purely her needing time to get things out of the way and get things acomplished. I could be wrong though, if I am, then it's her loss. deceit is a shady characteristic if you ask me. Cpunch Link to post Share on other sites
ding Posted June 23, 2003 Share Posted June 23, 2003 deceit is a shady characteristic if you ask me. I'll drink to that. Don't even ge me started. cb -- Link to post Share on other sites
Author Happydays Posted June 23, 2003 Author Share Posted June 23, 2003 thanks every body for your help I will try to stay positive and wait it out for a bit. But if there ever ends up being another guy she is in for a rude awakening. I will always be around and that poor bastarDDDD will live a miserable life. Thank you !!! This is the angry part of me! As you can see sometimes I just feel bad and sometimes i just feel Angry. Today I feel Angry!!!! thanks Link to post Share on other sites
yagottahelp Posted June 23, 2003 Share Posted June 23, 2003 Yah there is no real answer to how much time, I mean time can be 2 weeks, time can be 2 months, chances are time won't be 2 years though-i'd say after that long things would be played out. If there's one thing I notice, girls love to be all cuddly and taken care of when they want to. You think you are doing the right thing, bam, you took care of them too much, and they say enough. They want to be in control of their lives, they don't like being told what to do, EVER. I think that emotions get blurred when independance is lost, I have also seen them reappear after independance is gained. May have been a fluke a couple times, or it might mean something, I dunno....... If you truly love this girl, I'm assuming you do-I would think you have too much emotionally invested in this to say ok moving on like some people might tell you-if you can find it that easy to move on, that may raise some questions. She might find another guy, who knows, she might date him, but they say about the 3 month mark is comparison. That's when she says so and so is or isn't as good as you- THen you decide what to do from there if she wants you back Hang in there, fight the good fight, listen to her signals-if she says she wants to go out and have fun, that's good-if she says she wants no contact, you have to listen to that- Link to post Share on other sites
Author Happydays Posted June 23, 2003 Author Share Posted June 23, 2003 Do you think by giving her a "thinking of You" Card would put more pressure on her. Like I have to call her because our Visa Statement arrived "we have a joint visa" Do you think it is a bad idea too? See we do have a lot invested in love and materialistic things like a house a visa a bank account etc... This is why I a so flabergasted. But I will fight it no matter how much this GOD damn thing hurts. I will get her back I know I will do everything, but not right now. She needs her space and I think she needs it for the summer too. Thanks again Link to post Share on other sites
Cpunch75 Posted June 23, 2003 Share Posted June 23, 2003 hey - cut off all contact. let her do the thinking and contacting, it's in her court. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Happydays Posted June 23, 2003 Author Share Posted June 23, 2003 k thanks This is bloody hard!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
maskee28 Posted June 23, 2003 Share Posted June 23, 2003 I agree... no "thinking of you" cards, nothing like that at all. She is already quite aware of how you feel and wants space - the last thing she wants is to receive a sappy card from you telling her how much you miss her... Cpunch is right, you HAVE to avoid contacting her, let her come to you. If she doesn't hear from you for awhile, she's going to start to get curious and wonder where you're at... Link to post Share on other sites
MrSadman Posted June 24, 2003 Share Posted June 24, 2003 Hey man sorry to hear that maybe you should give her space I didn't and it ended up costing me everything. I emailed plenty of times after we broke up but to no result. She only responded once and thats after I said could we just be friends even know I couldn't because I loved her so much. She said to me she needed some space so after that I gave it to her. Yet she was in my class and I had to hear say she had a good time with her new boyfriend and her friends why I'm still depressed about her breakign up with me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Happydays Posted June 24, 2003 Author Share Posted June 24, 2003 Thanks Alot I am going to try and avoid her as much as possible. I had to make a trip over to her house today. I had my day off and could only get over there while she was at work to drop off the visa bill. We have a joint visa so again this causes a bit of problems too. I have not seen her physically since last saturday. I know she does not want to talk right now and she is still having the effects of everyone asking questions. So i figured it could take a while before she really starts missing me. Her mother said she is not giving up hope and thinks she just has to get rid of the wild side she never did when she was younger. Her mother also said that she doesn't know why she is reacting like this because she figured she did experiment almost everything there is out there, but i guess not. I will not give up hope and i am hoping that she comes around in the next few months maybe after summer. But i feel i need some closure and can't get it yet.!!!! Waiting is the hardest game right now.!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Cpunch75 Posted June 28, 2003 Share Posted June 28, 2003 Just wanted to reflect on something, that is sometimes when you are with someone you forget who you are, so much to the point that that other person is doing you a favor by giving you the "I need space" line. Although I'm hurting, during sometimes in the day, in the morning especially, the breathing room is wonderful. I have come to a point of assessing everything while I was with her, and that means questioning if she is really WHAT I want and questioning happiness with her. although i'm a little stung still, i have compensated other areas in my life with this space that would otherwise have been consumed by the relationship. I hope you guys do too, love will come to you again, it's not a matter of circumstances that you guys should be hurt by, but listen to the message it's giving you, because the next person, or (the person you go back to after your "space") will be grateful for the radical and "new" you after you have recollected yourself and you will be more than happy that you went though this with flying colors. Cpunch Link to post Share on other sites
Just A Girl2 Posted June 28, 2003 Share Posted June 28, 2003 I think where you're confused quankanne is if a guy wants a break, he doesn't want to be in a relationship. If a girl wants a break, then her bf should give her space. Didn't you get the memo on that double-standard? I thought JAG2 was sending 'em out... I'll fax ya one. What were you chirping about here? I apparently subscribe to some double-standard in terms of "who" needs space in a relationship? Please explain. This should be good. Link to post Share on other sites
Cpunch75 Posted June 28, 2003 Share Posted June 28, 2003 it's the person being suffocated, right? isn't that what it's all about? wrong timing, too much on his/her mind, too many priorities to handle a relationship. the resolve depends on how well the relationship went, it's a gamble you never know what's going to happen you can't give absolutes with the "I need space" line punch Link to post Share on other sites
Tearyeyes Posted July 2, 2003 Share Posted July 2, 2003 [color=violet][/color] i just read through all of the messages in this post and i felt like i had to chime in to defend the whole 'space' thing. i am currently going through a breather period with my live in boyfriend of 10 yrs. i am the one who asked for space. contrary to what some people think, yes, sometimes a woman truly does need space. space to think, space to grow, space to just BE. when you're in a relationship you sometimes lose yourself taking care of the other person, being the 'girlfriend', being the caretaker, being anyone but yourself. and you start to feel trapped, bogged down, suffocated. i'm not saying that's what happened with your fiance, happydays, but i'm just giving you an example. maybe she feels like if she doesn't take some time for herself now that she will end up hurting you worse in the future. can you imagine if she decided she needed space after you were already married? right now she can take some time to see what life is like without you and come back with a fresher perspective and probably a better appreciation of you. that's what i'm trying to do for myself and my boyfriend right now. at this point i can't be with him, but i'm removing myself from the situation to see if after we've been apart we can come back together better than we are currently. give her the space she needs. if you keep at her, you will only alienate her. she's got enough going on in her head right now. good luck. keep your chin up! Link to post Share on other sites
Dreamgirl03 Posted July 2, 2003 Share Posted July 2, 2003 i`m having the same problem myself..My ex fiancee of 2 1/2 years just dumped me..he`s a mommy`s boy and she decided she didnt like me so, he gets rid of me..and he said he loved me more than anything..and would never leave me or hurt me, then turns around and does it. Ive tried about everything to get him back..I love him so much..i know he`s the one i wanna be with..but its obvious he doesnt really love me. I am VERY heartbroken..i wish i knew what to do... so we`re in the same boat here...i know how ya feel. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Happydays Posted July 3, 2003 Author Share Posted July 3, 2003 K guys I saw my ex yesterday at her house! I was there helping out her brother (my Best Friend) and she came in with her mom and all she did was wave. I know why too, she would of spoken to me if her brother was not there. Her and her brother have still not said a word too each other since the break up. I did not go to work today I called in sick cause I was not feeling to good. I checked my work messages from home this evening (11pm) and she left me a message to call her at work today. Tomorrow I am going in, should I call her? she sounded upset and asked what I have been up to. I am still feeling the pain of losing my fiance, But I am trying to get over it tomorrow it will be exactly one month since we broke up> Do you think she is feeling the effects ? Is she realizing that I can live with out her, or anything else! Please help I am so confused??? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Happydays Posted July 9, 2003 Author Share Posted July 9, 2003 Ok People, I did the hardest thing ever today. I was so upset doing it but thought it was the best thing for us. I asked my ex for the engaement ring back. I said that it was not fair that she hold a piece of my heart like that when she was so confused about herself and not sure what she wanted between us and that I was confused of what exactly her feelings were about us. It has been just over a month now and I cried asking her for it. I dont like getting emotional about the whole thing but I confess it was really hard! I don't know if it was the right thing to do? But maybe the best. I also booked a trip away to europe for one month leaving August 5th . She shows me she is not upset , but an hour later she said she tried calling me like 15 times to see if I was ok because she does not like seeing me upset like that. I checked my voice mail on my cell and she said that she was crying all the way back to work. She said she like the ring and it was her but was willing to give it up. I feel so bad taking it back like I am finalizing our relationship. I also think by doing this it has caused a huge impact on her to maybe think a little of our relationship. She still insist (not to me though) that she can totally picture me being her huisband to be having kids together and spending the rest of her life with me. But to me she insist that she is still confused. I think my time away from her will be better while I am away in europe. What do you guys think? Please help I am so full of guilt and unsure that I made the right decision on asking for the ring back.... I am still feeling the effects of losing my future wife. But I also stated that I am no longer ready to get married anymore until I am totaly satisfied with the relationship between the both of us if we were ever to get back together. I feel like I have finalized our relationship, is this true or not? Link to post Share on other sites
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