Angry and Worried

[flowr183]

I have been with my b/f for a couple of years..within those couple of years I guess I can say I have been lucky because he doesnt push to go out once a week to bars without me. I made it clear I dont think its right.

 

My standards and personal feelings are that if you are in a serious relationship you don't go to singles type bars every week or even every other week without your partner. For me--a guys night out or girls night out should be a once in a blue moon type thing--every few months or something like that.. that is just my standards and how i feel..going to lunch, stopping by their house..that is fine..but i am referring to going to bars where people are looking to meet others and girls are dressed almost trashy etc etc. This isnt the issue--here is the problem:

 

my b.f recently became friends with someone..he doesnt see him too often BUT i donot like his lifestyle and COMPLETELY RESENT IT. He is from another state and has an 8 month year old baby with his girlfriend.(The g/f is living in that other state) He travels here to teach and do other business. So, he is basically gone for weeks at a time and probably sees them very little. I think the g.f is actually ok with this(some would be i am thinking but not me). I guess this would be fine BUT whenever he is town he is looking to go to bars/clubs and doesnt see anything wrong with going out to these things a few nights a week after doing work. And every time we see him, i just get angry and a little worried b/c he mentions that he went to Mexico without his lady and somehow every time i see him he talks about a bachelor party he went to and he was doing bodyshots off the bartender...and he has the nerve to go through his cell and show my b/f the picture of her saying she is hot..he was showing me too and i just couldnt believe how open he thinks women should be(he must be used to his g/f tolerating everything)...i found that so classless what he did at that moment

 

and then he is asking my b/f oh do you want to drive down to so and so for the weekend? we can sightsee and then party at night? My b/f doesnt have interest in going to that destination he mentioned but obviously friends can be influential and i am worried overall that he is going to be calling my b/f more and more to go out for these "party nights"..he even made a comment that he is looking for a place around here ..he joked to me saying it will be his bachelor pad and he will call up my b/f to hang out...i really wanted to throw something at him. For the time being when he is here he stays at a hotel.

 

Usually when the evening is over i almost try to make a point to my b/f that this guy should be single forever and i never would be the mother of his kid, he is not respectful..my b/f gets angry that i complain every time b/c he knows i am trying to make a point..but i still get worried this guy is going to call my b/f more to go out to bars where they are doing bodyshots and just in my opinion not being respectful. The guy actually keeps these pictures of the bartenders in his cell phone..i dont understand how the girlfriend can tolerate such behavior.

 

overall, i am worried my bf might think--hey i should be able to go to mexico without her and go to bars every week without her and i am worried this guy is going to be calling every other night to go out or have a "guys night"..i feel like he is almost intruding on the relationship by saying i will call your b/f to hang out and do you want to drive down here for the weekend. I wish my b/f didn't know him...do i have a right to be worried? Or if suddenly wants to increase his time out, i can remind him of how things have been for the past couple of years and ask why all of a sudden does that need to change.

 

Am i being anxious over nothing? also, his brother owns a strip club in that other state..and my b/f's new friend might get married one of these days i am assuming since he got his g/f pregnant--so a bachelor party could be possible in the future as well. I feel completely anxious.

 

Please write back. Thank you.

[flowr183]

Any thoughts?

[AAlike]

First question:

 

How old were you when you got together? I think that it makes a big difference whether your boyfriend ever had the opportunity to experience the bar scene or whatever. Not that the resolution should be different (we all get over it - it's just whether he should have already or not), but the way that you handle the situation should change.

 

Second - you may want to handle this situation with care...no offense, but your sentiments about "nights out with the guys" is fairly restrictive, especially if you don't have kids. I agree that a guy consistently going out without his girlfriend is indicative of a poor and/or one-sided relationship, but saying that a bi-weekly guys night out is out of the question is kind of rough. I'm in a relationship and my girl encourages me to have the occassional night like that, just as I do her - and it's not being around the scantily clad women that i enjoy about those nights...we're both 100% positive that we're only attracted to one another, I don't even notice other girls when I'm out - but it's the ability to play some pool and just have a different style of conversation every once in a while. Our time apart makes us appreciate our time together more - seeing the akwardness of desperate singles at these bars only makes me happier that I'm no longer in that position.

 

I understand your concern about the new friend - but really, the only way that the new friend will affect anything is if your hubby felt restricted in the first place. I remember back in my early twenties I had two buddies' girlfriends that loathed me - I was the only single friend that both of them still had since everyone else lost touch with them because their relationships pretty much wiped them off of the map. So sure enough, anytime they had a spare moment, they would call me, and sure enough both of them would get RIPPED when we'd go out because they felt that they HAD to act out since they were free from the "claws" of their relationships. The girlfriends naturally hated me and synonymized me with their mischief, but in reality I was just as annoyed with it as they were. I tried to explain to them that it wasn't me, that they needed to let their boyfriends be normal 22-year olds, and that honestly when they got drunk they'd just constantly talk about how much they loved their girlfriends, but to no avail.

 

Basically, the friend isn't really relevant. What you need to find out is if your boyfriend is comfortable with your notions of a permissable level of socializing without you. If he is, you're fine and the friend won't matter. If not, then you need to come to a compromise or he'll substitute this guy with another if you forbid them from hanging out.

[flowr183]

well like they say--to each his own..i have girlfriends who feel the same way as i do..a guys night out doesnt need to be a bi weekly thing..it should only be once in a while. Also, like i said again--the guys night out i am referring to are bars where there are a lot of single girls and guys looking to meet..playing pool isnt really apart of that..and any time my b/f has one of these nights it involves and will involve bars.

 

Also my b/f is in his 30's. So it is not like he is in college or just turning 21. The friend who constantly goes out is about 36 or 37--close to 40 and still living this lifestyle.

 

My b/f has not been in a relationship for many years until he met me. So, in a way he was used to doing what he wanted and going out whenever he wanted. After 8 months of our relationship I had to say something and came completely forward and told him that if he wants a causal relationship then do what you want and go to bars every week and i will do the same. A serious relationship to me does not consist of something like that. He probably would want me to be like that guy's g/f and not care what he did, where he went but that is not me if i am in a relationship and cannot accept a guy going to bars every week or every other week.

 

I have many friends who agree that it should only be once in awhile especially if its a bar/singles scene and i am sure there are plenty who think once a week is perfectly acceptable..

 

i guess i am worried this friend will be influential on him or will want him to go out and live his type of lifestyle.

 

 

Also i find him rude..at one point when my b/f walked away to get some air..the friend said he reminds me of brother--his demeanour and personality..but my brother has a hard time being with a woman, has a lot of female friends..what am i supposed to say to that? i felt like that was really rude and him being classless..i wanted to tell my b/f but wasnt sure if i am making a mountain out of a molehill.

 

Should i still be worried or only worry once it starts happening?

 

Was he rude and horrible when saying this to me?

[AAlike]

well like they say--to each his own..i have girlfriends who feel the same way as i do..a guys night out doesnt need to be a bi weekly thing..it should only be once in a while. Also, like i said again--the guys night out i am referring to are bars where there are a lot of single girls and guys looking to meet..playing pool isnt really apart of that..and any time my b/f has one of these nights it involves and will involve bars.

 

Also my b/f is in his 30's. So it is not like he is in college or just turning 21. The friend who constantly goes out is about 36 or 37--close to 40 and still living this lifestyle.

 

Well, I mean, all bars are "singles bars" so to speak - if you mean the straight meat market, "girls dance on the bar" type bars, then I see your point...I never even liked those when I was single. but still, it's possible to go to even those places and just hang out, if that's where his friends tend to congregate. The style of bar shouldn't matter to you if you trust him.

 

My b/f has not been in a relationship for many years until he met me. So, in a way he was used to doing what he wanted and going out whenever he wanted. After 8 months of our relationship I had to say something and came completely forward and told him that if he wants a causal relationship then do what you want and go to bars every week and i will do the same. A serious relationship to me does not consist of something like that. He probably would want me to be like that guy's g/f and not care what he did, where he went but that is not me if i am in a relationship and cannot accept a guy going to bars every week or every other week.

 

I have many friends who agree that it should only be once in awhile especially if its a bar/singles scene and i am sure there are plenty who think once a week is perfectly acceptable..

 

I think that's perfectly fine and honest on your part, and if you voiced your concern with it upon your relationship getting serious, then that's fine, then you're perfectly within reason to tell him that this is an issue that you addressed before and that you're concerned with it once again. I just think that although the friend could be a catalyst, its an issue that most likely existed outside of the friend...if the presence of a new friend could affect your relationship, it was probably only a matter of time before something else did, and you need to fix the dam, not plug the leak with your finger.

 

 

 

Also i find him rude..at one point when my b/f walked away to get some air..the friend said he reminds me of brother--his demeanour and personality..but my brother has a hard time being with a woman, has a lot of female friends..what am i supposed to say to that? i felt like that was really rude and him being classless..i wanted to tell my b/f but wasnt sure if i am making a mountain out of a molehill.

 

Should i still be worried or only worry once it starts happening?

 

Was he rude and horrible when saying this to me?

 

It's hard to tell from just hearing that - a lot depends on tone and such. But if you get a bad vibe or feel disrespected from this guy, then you are perfectly within reason to tell your boyfriend about it, and he should be understanding.

[Woggle]

Honetsly you sound like a control freak who is trying to keep him on a leash. What are you his father. If you trust him then let him hang out with this guy and if you don'tg trust him why are you with him.

[flowr183]

Woggle,

 

sometimes it is not about trust but respecting the relationship. I donot believe this friend is respecting his g/f at all. Going to rowdy bar 3 nights a week and a girlfriend is just supposed to say sure, i trust him..let him do what he wants.

 

There are limits and things you don't do once in a relationship.

[Woggle]

I have friends that are involved in criminal activity yet my wife doesn't make a big deal about it because I am 100% legit. You have to let him be an adult and make his own choices. You don't own him.

[flowr183]

i think you are comparing apples and oranges. If you are not involved in criminal activity then she has nothing to complain about.

 

Im talking about this friend going to bars 3 nights a week and every week and calling my b/f to do the same and partake. It is not the same situation.

[BUENG1]

Is this friend causing your bf to not spend enough time with you? If not I think you are overreacting. Sure people can put whatever conditions, boundaries or anything else in a relationship that they are in. But that doesn't mean they are healthy and it doesn't mean they won't cause resentment from the other person in the relationship. You say that this is just how you think things should be done, but what about the way he thinks things should be done? In my opinion some of the boundaries you mention in your relationship are much too restrictive.