Is what Im doing wrong, and should I tell her?

[luther]

Heres the deal, My GF of almost ten years cheated on me and got emotionally involved with this guy as well. After several months of going back and forth she decided to be with me and ended with him.

 

As of now she's been back for one month and has been in contact with him the entire time through e-mail, text messages and phone calls. They would contact each other the first couple weeks and I caught it everytime. Last week she told him to stop and she hasnt contacted him and a couple days went by where he didnt. Then she got 3-4 calls, 5 texts and 2 e-mails from him in the last 2 days and she hasnt responded.

 

Well being paranoid about this whole thing I put a keylogger on my own computer. I feel kinda bad about invading her privacy cause I got her e-mail password and her online journal password and read them both.

 

She told me the truth about him emailing her but she did respond to them by saying it was over why are you still contacting me, e-mail me back. Now is it just me or by saying e-mail me back is she leaving the door open for him? And she's saving every one of them instead of deleting them.

 

The worse part is reading her journal. I kinda wish I hadnt but she is the type of person that doesnt want to talk and just tells me what she thinks I want to hear. So theres no honest communication. In her journal, post after post since she's been back have been about him. How much she misses him and about the things they did together that she'll never forget. I got physically sick reading it. Her lastest entry was about how she's sick of me checking her phone and I have trust issues. That even though she told him to not contact her she checks her phone and e-mail a million times a day hoping to see somthing from him. I read that and was like WTF? This guy used to live a block away and has since moved 2 hours away so when he calls her its from multiple phones. She posted every number he called her from in her journal, while showing me on her phone that she deleted them. She still has a voice mail he left her on her phone that she listens to once in a while just to hear his voice.

 

At first I thought I was being unreasonable and unfair about checking her phone calls till I read a previous post where it seems everyone going through this sort of thing does that. Or is doing that along with checking the e-mails. However Im checking her mail and journal that were password protected without her knowledge

 

So my question is this. Do I say nothing and keep reading them, while still trying to work things out. Reading her journal I feel is the only way I will know what she's feeling or thinking. Or do I come right out with it and tell her everything I know and risk any sort of reconciliation?

 

Im going crazy here, is this normal? Did I cross that line? What should I do? I read her journal then see her and I just wanna burst on her, but I watch what I say so she doesnt figure it out. Please help, thanks

Edited January 21, 2008 by luther

[tanbark813]

The main thing you're doing wrong is you're still with her. Fix that and the rest doesn't matter.

[alphamale]

I would tend to agree ^^^

[luther]

Trust me when I say I have been thinking about it. We been together almost 10 years, its not that easy to just walk away. I know thats always an option but I do want to give this a shot and see what happens, I really have nothing to lose.

 

So other than just leave, should I or shouldnt I tell her, knowing I want to see if we can work our problems out

[Cobra_X30]

The main thing you're doing wrong is you're still with her. Fix that and the rest doesn't matter.

 

Thats right on!

 

Do you seriously want to live like that? Having to check up on her every minute and worry about what she is doing?

 

It really doesnt sound like this woman is worth it.

[luther]

Thats right on!

 

Do you seriously want to live like that? Having to check up on her every minute and worry about what she is doing?

 

It really doesnt sound like this woman is worth it.

 

No I dont want to keep doing it, its depressing and really draining. There are people who do make it through these situations and go on to live happy lives together. Ive seen it and read many posts here on LS where people say it does happen.

[tanbark813]

I think you're just postponing the inevitable but if you refuse to drop her now then I think you should keep your mouth shut and just keep doing what you're doing. If you call her on stuff she's written or told her you've been snooping then all that does is give her something real to be pissed off about, it validates (in her mind) the bullshyt "trust issues" she says you have, and it puts her more on the defensive. You don't gain anything.

 

But at this point finding out she cheated on you again would be a blessing in disguise. The emotional drain you're feeling now doesn't stop. It just keeps going until you're drained completely and then you have a breakdown. It's no fun. IMO, you should just find a woman you don't feel you have to keep tabs on.

[Nevermind]

I tend to agree, which doesn't happen to often, with the people advising you to break up. She cheated. She went back and forth. She keeps contact (that is really bad) and she doesn't tell you the truth. Looking at her journal was wrong, yes, but you can't ignore what you read, can you?

 

So, why do you want to stay with here? Because of the 10 years or because you love her still? If not for the latter, end it.

[luther]

Thanks guys, I just had a talk with her. I didnt tell her anything but asked her a bunch of questions about whats been going on. Like why is she here if all she seems to do is think of him. Her response was Im not and how would you know. I told her I can tell, see it in the things she does. Then she went on to say she cant be happy all the time and what does it matter "Im here arent I". She just clamed up and didnt say anything else. I suggested counselling and she just said fine whatever. She didnt look or sound to enthused. So confused on what to do.

 

ps, its the later, I do love her. Being together for 10 years just makes it all that much harder

[Nevermind]

Did you ask her, if she loves you still?

 

Why is she with you, you think? Why did she come back?

 

 

(I am very sorry for your situation. I hope you are okay.)

[luther]

I did ask her if she loved me and she said she did. While reading her journal she wrote that she loved him. So many lies the past few months I really dont know what to believe.

 

I did ask her why she came back, cause she was living with her sister for a couple months then with him for 2 weeks before moving back in with me. She said she missed me and thought about me all the time and that she loved me.

 

Well now she's here and she apparently misses him and thinks about him all the time. I told her if you dont want to be here nows the time to tell me, I said if you would rather be with him then go I wont stop you. She said she wants to be here and have us work things out. But I have asked her this same question for the past month the same thing and she keeps telling me she does but her actions are saying the complete opposite.

[Nevermind]

Would you both agree to counceling? Maybe a third party, a trained therapist, could help her open up about the issues she is having and then you might have a chance of being together again. As long as she isn't honest, it can never work.

 

You seem like a decent guy, I hope your heart won't be broken.

[Cobra_X30]

Thanks guys, I just had a talk with her. I didnt tell her anything but asked her a bunch of questions about whats been going on. Like why is she here if all she seems to do is think of him. Her response was Im not and how would you know. I told her I can tell, see it in the things she does. Then she went on to say she cant be happy all the time and what does it matter "Im here arent I". She just clamed up and didnt say anything else. I suggested counselling and she just said fine whatever. She didnt look or sound to enthused. So confused on what to do.

 

ps, its the later, I do love her. Being together for 10 years just makes it all that much harder

 

10 years just makes what she is doing worse!

 

Don't you see that she does this to you simply because she you let her get away with it?

 

When she says "I'm here arent I"... that's a lie. Becuase mentally she isnt. She is with someone else.

 

Listen.... right now she is wasting your life away. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who could do this to you anyway? It's really horrible! Every minute you waste with her is one you wont get with a woman who actually loves you!

 

Set her down... tell her your not going to play her game, and kick her out!

[ironman100]

It's over.

 

Two more words:

 

It's over.

[THE THRONE]

OP, NONE of these people follow the Doctrine of the Seven-Legged Lamb, yet each and every one of them gave you advice that can be found in the book of the Seven-Legged Lamb. Follow the advice given and make sure you pay attention to Cobra because he gave you something PRICELESS when he said:

 

10 years just makes what she is doing worse!

 

and

 

When she says "I'm here arent I"... that's a lie. Becuase mentally she isnt. She is with someone else.

 

These two statements by Cobra are the pimp slaps of reality. You either pay attention to them and end your denial or you continue to put yourself through the ringer. After all, YOU are in control here and YOU have the power to end this because she isn't going to change.