Is it wrong to dislike my Mother?

[catbaloo]

A long story which I will try to keep short. I am a 47 year old woman with a long term partner of 10 years. We lived on a narrowboat and had a wonderful laid back life. My relashionship with my Mother has never been close and always been awkward for reasons I have never been able to put my finger on. I had one Brother who sadly died suddenly 5 years ago, Last May my treasured step father died leaving my Mum a widow, she's 70. She is of ill heath with emphasema and being alone was taking it's toll on her, we lived about 100 miles away. She owned her own house and was having trouble managing the stairs. After stepdad died she decided to put in for a warden controlled bungalow with a local housing authority. My partner and I gave up jobs and a fantastic mooring for the boat to move the 100 miles closer and live in her house round the corner from her bungalow so we could be on hand for her. I do everything for her drive her everywhere. I see her everyday and try to be there physically and emotionally. She insisted on buying us a new car and has insisted on transferring a substantial amount of money in to a high interest account so we can use the interest as an income. We tried to refuse all this but she wouldn't hear of it. She has recentley become very depressed and just before xmas told me she had taken 35 of her antidepressant tablets hoping she wouldn't wake up, I took her straight to the emergency dept where they kept her in for phsychiatric evaluation where we found out she hadn't taken the tablets at all. she has now started blaming me for things that happened years ago and has also informed me she doesn't like my partner, he's done allsorts for her including fitting a new kitchen for her. I feel as if I'm going mad. she's making me feel as if I'm only here for the money and the house by making comments like "I wish people would love me for me!" The only reason we made the move was to be here for her, so she wasn't alone. My partner is talking about going back to the boat. What do I do? I'm so torn and find myself disliking her. She is a very selfish woman, I recall two days before my step father died, we were sat by his bedside in the hospice and he was drifting in and out, all he wanted was someone holding his hand and to know someone was there, Mum sighed then tutted and said to him,,do you realise you haven't even asked how I am!!! I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Thats enough I feel better for getting things off my chest....Thanks for listening.

[curiousnycgirl]

It's not wrong to dislike your mother, it's an unfortnate reality, I suffer from that as well. I think the mistake you made was changing your life to be there for her. You forgot it would not be appreciated, and would put an unfair burder on your relationship.

 

If your mother truly needs help, why not suggest she use the interest off that account to pay for assistance? I'm not saying abandon her, but the reality is what you are doing right now will only build resentment, and do more harm than good to your relationships (with both your mother and your SO).

 

You can then visit on weekends, or a couple of times a month, and have quality time. Clearly quantity time isn't cutting it!

[Zolie]

My grandmother sounds just like your mother. And yes, my mother very much dislikes her mother - I would even venture to say she loathes her. My grandmother is very self centered, and doesn't seem to understand how her words have hurt family member over the years. My mother has felt the brunt of my grandmother's mouth her entire life.

 

This really sounds familiar:

 

"I recall two days before my step father died, we were sat by his bedside in the hospice and he was drifting in and out, all he wanted was someone holding his hand and to know someone was there, Mum sighed then tutted and said to him, do you realise you haven't even asked how I am"

 

That breaks my heart for your step father.

 

My grandfather is still alive, so whenever I call them and ask how they are doing, my grandmother answers that *she* is doing fine. I have to specifically ask how he is doing, and she will barely reply. When he was ill recently I called to check on him and when she answered the phone, she launched into how badly *she* feels lately. I had to ask her to tell me specifically how he is feeling. She's been like that all of her life.

 

As I mentioned, my mother pretty much hates her own mother, and this causes me much stress, even though I do understand it. I just hate hearing the acrimony in my mother's voice when she talks about my grandmother. It pains me greatly.

 

But, back to your mother. When I read that she said she wishes people would love her just for her, it struck me as a possible reason for her behavior. Somewhere, somehow, she has assumed that everyone in her life only wants something from her, rather than just wanting her company. Whether this is an accurate assessment on her part, or misinterpretation on her part, for some reason she believes it to be true, and it has clearly rankled her for years, turning her into the person she is now.

 

The only advice I have to offer is how *not* to handle your mother now, and possibly how *to* handle her, that might make a difference...

 

After 60 years of resenting her mother, but never telling her how she felt, my mother has finally started standing up for herself and for her father, by snapping at my grandmother, refusing to go see her, being callous, etc. The only thing that has achieved, is to bewilder my grandmother - she doesn't understand why on earth her own daughter would be so mean to her. She hasn't a clue that her own meanness over the years has caused my mother to finally snap. It all just makes her mad at my mother.

 

But, something I did that seemed to work, was to gently tell my grandmother that something she said about my daughter really hurt me and my daughter, and that I didn't appreciate her saying it. She was shocked that she had hurt us so much, and she has changed her tune about the subject regarding my daughter.

 

I was surprised that she was so shocked. She really didn't realize how rude and judgmental she was being when she made the remarks about my daughter. And this is why I think some mean people say the things they do - they really believe that their opinion is so correct, that the rest of the world surely believes the same way they do, so it's okay to say the things they do.

 

Sorry to be so long winded. I've just had a lot of experience in this particular subject of mean mothers, so I had to post my thoughts. I hope it has helped in some way...

 

I liked curiousnycgirl's response - it is certainly a viable option for you and your mother.

[Curmudgeon]

She is a very selfish woman, I recall two days before my step father died, we were sat by his bedside in the hospice and he was drifting in and out, all he wanted was someone holding his hand and to know someone was there, Mum sighed then tutted and said to him,,do you realise you haven't even asked how I am!!! I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

 

You mother is apparently narcissistic. It's a personality disorder that she can't help but it doesn't mean you have to subject yourself to it.

 

My mother-in-law is the same way and even though she's failing and my wife does a lot for her in terms of seeing to it she has 24-hour day care in her home, handling her finances for her, taking care of her needs, it's never enough and she never receives the worship to which she feels she's entitled.

 

Prior to her condition degrading, I hadn't seen nor spoken with her for nine years nor my wife for seven. There's no percentage to dealing with toxic people.

 

I applaud you for doing what you can to help your mnother. The fact that you may come out of it better off financially than when you went into it is secondary to the fact that you're trying to do what you can for her. By the time all is said and done my wife's mother will have nothing and we will be out-of-pocket for her care but you sometimes just do what you have to do, even if it's not appreciated.

 

Having said all that, it's OK not to like your mother and to even resent her somewhat. Just dowhat you have to do in order to live with yourself.

 

Let's face it, not everyone is likable and that includes family!

[catbaloo]

I really appreciate all your comments and advice, it's a great comfort to me to know I am not the only one. I was starting to think maybe it was my fault and I was doing something wrong. I'm not seeking worship or praise from my Mum, I suppose I'm being selfish in a way by wanting just peace of mind to know that she is ok. If I moved away and just visited I would never be able to relax. Anyhow thinking back just like your Grandmother Zolie she has been like this all her life too, and that may have been the cause of the awkwardness which I couldn't put my finger on. I have noticed when she is around friends she constantly interupts conversation to talk about herself and her ailments. I will think about how best to tackle the situation, I just don't like the feelings I have at the moment and never thought I'd actually end up disliking my own Mother. Thanks again for your advice.

[Zolie]

I have noticed when she is around friends she constantly interupts conversation to talk about herself and her ailments.

 

Oh my - my grandmother does the exact same thing. Only, she has few friends left, so she does it to family when we are there. My grandmother cannot stand it when the conversation is about anything else but her. It is amazing to witness.

 

I'm sorry you have to deal with this with your mother. I'm glad I happened to read it, though, because it gave me a little insight to why my mother has such strong animosity towards her mother. To me, my grandmother is not all that bad because I had a grandparent relationship with her, rather than a parental relationship. But, reading your story and making some connections to my story, makes me realize just how unpleasant it was for my mother to be raised by a woman like this. Wow...

 

Like Curmudgeon said, these women are narcissistic - a personality disorder that they can't help. And they simply do not have the cognitive ability to know why people dislike them. They just think people are being rude and mean to them, when it is their own behavior that causes people to be that way with them - including their own children.

[catbaloo]

Thanks again for your comments Zolie.....My kids also have trouble seeing what I see with my Mum so I can understand where you're coming from, they don't see her very often as they all live a long way off. I suppose I'm relieved really that they don't have to deal with it. Mainly because Mum is very good at making you think everything is your fault and I would hate for my kids to feel that way. She has a way of saying don't worry I'll be alright, when you know she wants to say, hey look at me I want your time and attention. I've just read that back and it sounds very bitter on my part I'm really not bitter just banging my head against a brick wall. Since reading your posts I've been reading up on narcissistic traits and have been trying to be more patient. it's very difficult...From what I've read you and Curmudgeon and right this is what she has and I know she can do nothing about it. One good thing that has come out of all this is my relashionship with my children, I am constantly making sure I never do to them what my Mum does to me, we have a wonderful relashionship and I'll make damn sure it will always stay that way.. I think one of my fears was that I would end up behaving the same way (running in the family). I think the conclusion I have come to is grit my teeth and carry on, and enjoy the relashionship I have with my kids which makes up for all the bad days.....Send your Mum my best wishes and to you also. thanks again for understanding..

[Zolie]

One good thing that has come out of all this is my relashionship with my children, I am constantly making sure I never do to them what my Mum does to me, we have a wonderful relashionship and I'll make damn sure it will always stay that way.

 

That is exactly what my mother has done with me and my siblings. She made darn sure to never make us feel the way her mother made her feel.

 

Here's a bizarre side note to my story. My mother is a fraternal twin. My mother took after her father, who is tall and big boned. Her twin sister took after my grandmother, who is petite with delicate features. (not only do they not look like twins, they really don't even look like sisters!) And my grandmother favored my mother's twin because she was more like her. So, my mother has had to live with that her entire life. It's so senseless.

 

AND - my mother's twin also took after my grandmother in personality. My cousins feel the same way about their mother as my mother feels about her mother. I am very thankful that I got the good twin for a mother!

 

And I'm glad you and I were able to help one another understand our families. :-)

[catbaloo]

I'm so pleased that you came across my original post....Even though there doesn't seem to be a black and white answer to our problems it is certainly a huge help just to talk and know someone out there understands. I would like to wish you and your family luck in everything you do and happiness. Thanks again