This is hard.

[Matthew2106]

Basically,

Me and my ex were together for 20 months when she left me for another guy.

3 weeks later, she rang me in tears explaining she'd finished him for me, realising the huge mistake she'd made picking a crush over a love. And was sorry.

I forgave her, and we're currently in a situation, and have been for 3 months now... where we're single. And are working towards each other.

Something happened a month ago, involving another guy, where she'd said yes to him when he asked her out. But told NO ONE, not even her best friends.

Eventually I found out, and as soon as I did she broke it off with him, explaining she had to pick me.

We've spoken about this a few times, and she insists it wasn't serious and she doesn't know why she did it.

I think she did it for attention, because that's one thing that she's always craved.

 

I'm trying my hardest to re-build some trust into our relationship, but it's extremely hard for me after all of this.

She's the person I want to be with, I just find it so difficult finding a way forwards.

I end up being the bad guy, asking the same questions... and being far too imposing, pushing her away.

 

She's out today with a guy she only started speaking to on the net yesterday,

It's shaken me quite a bit as this guy seems to like and dislike the same things..

As well as being the typical kind of guy she'd usually go for looks wise.

He was also being really close to her, I was there with her as they were talking.

Saying things to her such as.. "It really is so nice I'm still recieving messages off of you, you should come over this weekend and sleep until Saturday, We can cuddle watch films and I'll cook you anything you desire"

To my knowledge she hasn't mentioned me to him yet, other than explaining I was an ex that ended because she picked the wrong person over me.

And she hasn't had the heart to tell him no, and just says "yeah sure, that'd be good."

 

I can tell she's attracted to him, why else would she agree to meet him at 7:30pm after a day of college, having to rush to Birmingham to watch a film after knowing him less than a day?

It's so unlike her to do that, even after knowing them for months.

But her history with guys is bad.

And she's promised me that it's nothing to worry about,

It's just I heard a similar promise back when we had a problem with the other guy I lost her too, if only for a short while.

 

I love her so much.

But I'm rapidly becoming the bad guy here,

And I just want to stop worrying about it.

Talking about this with her just seems to annoy, and I can't do it anymore.

I just want us to get back on track.

 

Am I behaving irrationally?

Edited January 21, 2008 by Matthew2106

[Cobra_X30]

I love her so much.

But I'm rapidly becoming the bad guy here,

And I just want to stop worrying about it.

Talking about this with her just seems to annoy, and I can't do it anymore.

I just want us to get back on track.

 

Am I behaving irrationally?

 

Yeah... your pretty much irrational at the moment. Borderline nuts really.

 

Why do you like this girl so much? Your just her backup guy... I dont think she loves you, or respects you. If she did how could she treat you so poorly? Can you see what I mean?

[HisLove]

Umm..no you are not being irrational. She is. If you have nothing to worry about as far as her new friend goes, why weren't you invited along? Why haven't you been mentioned to him yet?

 

BIG RED FLAGS.

 

This is what I think - the last guy dumped her. It wasn't 'you' she realised she loved and then had to leave him. You are her safety net.

 

[Matthew2106]

Yeah... your pretty much irrational at the moment. Borderline nuts really.

 

Why do you like this girl so much? Your just her backup guy... I dont think she loves you, or respects you. If she did how could she treat you so poorly? Can you see what I mean?

 

Yeah, I do understand.

I can't believe through all of this she's someone that I want to be with either.

She just seems so sincere about this now,

Still though I'm finding it extremely hard to trust her, and I want to get it back on track.

This guy coming along and doing what he's done up until now makes my life 10x harder,

I just want to say to her... "why don't you mention me to guys, and why do you just go along with what they want?"

I mean, I was sat with her.

She didn't make any effort to cover anything up.. it was like it was normal to her.

And then I'll be a bad guy, because we've been over this stuff so many times, it'll just make her angry.

And she'll explain I've pushed her so far away asking her the same questions to which I know the answers.

Edited January 21, 2008 by Matthew2106

[Chrome Barracuda]

Are u a freaking idiot???

 

Look at the bigger picture!

 

You can trust her , she's going out on dates with other guys, uses you for when she gets dumped, dont tell her friends what she's doing and keeps things in secret???!!

 

WTF? WTF? WTF?

 

Major red flags!

 

Are you stupid enough to stay with a woman who can treat you with so much disrespect and treat her self with so little. She's giving you lip service you aint her man, your the safety net. When her idealistic fantasy doesnt come true she uses you to fall back on!!!!

 

Get it through your head.

 

She is a horrible girlfriend.

 

Leave her alone man, you'll be better off.

[Bryanp]

Do you really need to have a piano fall on your head for you to open your eyes? She has totally humiliated and disrespected you and continues to do so. You are her safety net. Why do you want to be the doorprize? You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions speaks volumes. She has no respect for you and you are like a puppy dog. If you do not respect yourself then who will. Surely she can't be the only girl on the planet that you would want to be with. I really think you would have to be masochistic to continue this. It is sad that you are willing to settle for so little.

[THE THRONE]

Am I behaving irrationally?

 

Due to site rules and regulations, THE THRONE can't tell you what he REALLY wants to tell you (trust me it would be brutal). However, THE THRONE can type a politically correct...wait..scratch that. THE THRONE will utilize the book of the Seven-Legged Lamb and show you the errors of your ways. Chapter 32 verse 20 of the book states:

 

"20. If a woman has left thee for another man, thou must make sure that if she cometh back, she be reminded that she hath left thee for life."

 

Basically, what this means is if she chose another man over you that her choice is for life and you should never give her another chance.

 

Chapter 19 verse 900-901 states:

 

"900. Do not consider the words of a woman for they are full of folly, mischief and self interest. 901. Therefore, weigh the actions of a woman and consider them for they will tell you if she is bitter or if she tastes as Gold."

 

What this means is you need to stop listening to her words and start paying attention to her actions. Are her actions saying she wants to be with you? Hell no! Her actions are saying she wants you to be the fall back guy and emotional tampon. She wants to keep you around until the BBD comes along. Now THE THRONE could post more stuff from the book of the Seven-Legged Lamb, but THE THRONE must go feast on smoked turkey and black forrest ham.

[Cobra_X30]

Yeah, I do understand.

I can't believe through all of this she's someone that I want to be with either.

She just seems so sincere about this now,

Still though I'm finding it extremely hard to trust her, and I want to get it back on track.

This guy coming along and doing what he's done up until now makes my life 10x harder,

I just want to say to her... "why don't you mention me to guys, and why do you just go along with what they want?"

I mean, I was sat with her.

She didn't make any effort to cover anything up.. it was like it was normal to her.

And then I'll be a bad guy, because we've been over this stuff so many times, it'll just make her angry.

And she'll explain I've pushed her so far away asking her the same questions to which I know the answers.

 

She does something to disrespect you... then when you call her on it your the bad guy? She is emotionally abusing you! If she tried hitting on some other guy sitting next to me... I'd rip that phone out of her hand mid sentence and throw it, then dump her on the spot. - Fixate on that mental picture for a moment. Wouldnt it feel good to have done something like that?

 

Listen, you seem like a really nice guy. You know where nice guys finish? Yeah, thats right. What you need to do is stand up for yourself. You don't need to care about how she feels... or understand her. At this point... you need to focus on what you want and feel!

[Matthew2106]

She wasn't so much hitting on him..

She just didn't say no to him,

Said it would be a good idea whilst telling me it's creepy, and she doesn't want to go see him.

This guy probably knows nothing about how she's trying to sort it out with me,

I want to be with her...

But I can't win.

It's too hard to sort this stuff out whilst she's doing all of this.

What am I supposed to do or think?

[downthatslide]

All I can say is, run for it. There is no way your 'relationship' is going to become anything that you hope it will, and it will never be healthy for either one of you.

 

It sounds as though you are into her deeply and that makes this situation that much worse. The way I see it, you have two choices. Deal with the situation in the context that you're still going to hook up with her and not have feelings for her, or cut it off completely.

 

Its the old something is better than nothing problem; you can springboard on her until you find something better, and keep her in your quiver, as she is apparently keeping you in hers. Or if you are in love with her, as you proclaim, this is probably only going to make you feel worse, you should get away from her, openly date other women, and maybe even leave the area for a vacation to clear your head.

 

Sorry to hear this tale. I think we've all been there, in love with someone who won't love us back. Good luck.

[Matthew2106]

I love her alright.

Through 20 months of relationship, and a further 4 months of friendship, I've loved her.

I'd do anything for her, and she knows it.

She shows me the love,

But for some reason she hesitates so much when it comes to telling guys how it is.

I do believe her reply to sleeping at his after just a day of talking was... "You might not like me lol, I'd rather leave it longer"

Not,

"It's creepy, and I hardly know you yet"

Or even the extreme....

"I'm breaking my ex's heart, we're working this out.. and I want to focus on that, not keeping you happy"

 

And she still hides from the idea of actually being together, as a person I worry anyway... of course I'm going to bring this up a lot after it's kept happening.

[Cobra_X30]

I love her alright.

Through 20 months of relationship, and a further 4 months of friendship, I've loved her.

I'd do anything for her, and she knows it.

She shows me the love,

But for some reason she hesitates so much when it comes to telling guys how it is.

 

Matt, why does she hesitate to tell other guys that she is trying to work things out with you?

 

How does she show you the love? Physically? Emotionally?

[Matthew2106]

I did say whilst I was sat there,

Something about telling him reasons which didn't exist.

And not being open with him.

 

If she said to him that night...

"I'm working things out with him right now, and yeah."

I wouldn't have the slightest problem with tonight.

I'd have no reason to worry.

I certainly wouldn't be posting asking for advice,

Because if I talk to her about it again she'll tear my head off.

So why doesn't she do that?

Because she doesn't feel that she has to tell him?

 

I'm so too far up the nice guy alley,

I fear pushing her away by imposing her to tell her friends things she may not want to about me and her....

Bringing us further apart.

 

She tells me she loves me a lot...

And she always holds my hand places,

And cuddles up to me when we sleep...

We haven't been close and intimate like that yet, so she's not using me in that way.

And I don't think she's using me so much, I believe she loves me.

I just don't think she knows EXACTLY how she makes me feel with the things she does and doesn't say.

[HisLove]

Pack her **** up and send it to the new boyfriend.

 

C.O.D.

 

[bertfallen]

Matt, I've been talking to her for a bit over a month, maybe under. She talks to me all the time about this 'problem'

and so its very clear she doesn't have a problem talking about this problem with other guys.

 

I received your message over my space and chose to ignore it as I was warned previously by her that you may try

to contact me.

 

I think its best you just back off. I mean shes 17 nearly 18 and has told me that she doesn't like the idea of

commitment right now; I've been told several times, whilst your stil young, don't let things anchor you too easily,

you'll end up regretting it as time goes by.

[HisLove]

Matt, I've been talking to her for a bit over a month, maybe under. She talks to me all the time about this 'problem'

and so its very clear she doesn't have a problem talking about this problem with other guys.

 

I received your message over my space and chose to ignore it as I was warned previously by her that you may try

to contact me.

 

I think its best you just back off. I mean shes 17 nearly 18 and has told me that she doesn't like the idea of

commitment right now; I've been told several times, whilst your stil young, don't let things anchor you too easily,

you'll end up regretting it as time goes by.

 

WTF????????

[bertfallen]

WTF????????

 

...?

 

(bah stupid length thing)

[shanny]

I agree with everyone else... You are the backup guy. I know it sucks, but you can't be there for her anymore. She should be absolutely ashamed of herself. You can EASILY find someone better suited to her. Teach her a lesson and move on. Good luck!