Boyfriend Just Confessed

[seaswept]

I have been dating my boyfriend for 9 months. We fell in love quickly. I have known about his past since the beginning of the relationship. He has definately had his ups and downs...but so have I (I just didnt get caught like he did, and he served jail time) He is considerably older than I. The previous drug use in his life (and mine) was talked about from the beginning. I was very young in my experiences with it, and it all came to a complete hault when I had a child. He has experienced drug use on and off for longer than me, which made sense, he is older than me.

For the past four months, there started to be these strange "disappearances" where he would just be gone for 1-2 days at at time. It would happen every couple of weeks, sometimes a month would go by and he wouldnt disappear, then one day...be gone again for days. His stories at first seemed okay enough. This last month or so, I started realizing that I had been lied to and that something was going on. I didnt know for sure, but I thought it had to be drugs or another woman. Our relationship otherwise is wonderful, he is a great man..very loving, giving, understanding, thoughtful..you know. I also have a 7 year old son. It took awhile before I introduced the two, but when I realized we had decided we actually loved one another, I allowed my boyfriend fully into both mine and my sons life. He is great with my son, has gotten off of work early to be at my sons special events, does homework with him if he is here during the week (we do not live together).

This past weekend he called me on Friday afternoon and said he was on his way to my house (he works/lives an hour away from me). I didnt hear from him again until Monday (today). I kind of even knew on Friday that there was a chance he wouldnt show...just because of previous occassions where he will disappear.

This time, I told him that he has been lying to me, that I didnt believe him (when he called after not showing or calling for three days, he started in on some elaborate fabricated story, like always). I told him that he has somehow made me feel like a piece of crap when I havent done anything wrong, and that if he doesnt care about me or love me he should just tell me, it would be easier on him and me.

Thats when he confessed. Told me he has been doing drugs for the past 14-16 weeks on and off (when he "disappears"). And that he is humiliated, disappointed, shameful, and sorry for what he has done to me. He said he doesnt want to lose me, and he thought he was stronger than this. He had kicked the habit many times before, for years even he had gone without using.

I dont know what to do. I know in my heart that if I tell him I cannot be part of this, it will be so much worse on him. Yet, I have a son, I am a single mother...can I really? I love him so much that I want to be there for him...but my son cannot be involved in such a hard thing as me trying to make a NEW relationship work with an addict (that word is so harsh to me right now...I just cant even think of him as an addict, but I know its true)

 

Confused......

[Jilly Bean]

Hon, he is an addict, and I am glad you recognize that.

 

Is he willing to seek treatment? Because without him doing so, I would say you would be careless to have him anywhere near your child. I dont care how much you love him, your child's safety and emotional well-being has to come first, and having that child live in a safe and secure environment.

 

If he is willing to seek treatment, and stay away from your child while he does so, then yes, give it a whirl. But, those would be my conditions...

[JHS]

Don't think of him, don't think of you. Think of your son. Tell that guy after a year of clean he can call you (but even then be careful).

[seaswept]

I dont know that I can just let him go. Cant I help him by being there, just making sure my son isnt involved?

Is telling him to call me when he's sober (isnt that a song?LOL) going to hurt him if he does/is trying to get back on the right track? And not to mention, it will hurt me. I know that what we have is worth it, if he does kick the habit.

When he confessed this to me and we talked a little about it, he said that he thinks he will need help, because he has quit before, without help and came back to it, even after years. He thinks he needs help NOT doing it...rather than quitting. I mean, he isnt so far gone that he will have to detox or anything, it is the urge that he will need help to fight....

 

Maybe I know the answer as to what I should do and I just dont want to face it...because my son and myself are the most important and I know that. I left my husband after almost 9 years, if I can do that for the good of me and my son, I can do anything (right?) because it doesnt actually feel that way....

[JHS]

I dont know that I can just let him go. Cant I help him by being there, just making sure my son isnt involved?

Is telling him to call me when he's sober (isnt that a song?LOL) going to hurt him if he does/is trying to get back on the right track? And not to mention, it will hurt me. I know that what we have is worth it, if he does kick the habit.

When he confessed this to me and we talked a little about it, he said that he thinks he will need help, because he has quit before, without help and came back to it, even after years. He thinks he needs help NOT doing it...rather than quitting. I mean, he isnt so far gone that he will have to detox or anything, it is the urge that he will need help to fight....

 

Maybe I know the answer as to what I should do and I just don't want to face it...because my son and myself are the most important and I know that. I left my husband after almost 9 years, if I can do that for the good of me and my son, I can do anything (right?) because it doesnt actually feel that way....

Well, your post raises many complex issues - you have to look at the situation rationally - what is right versus looking at it emotionally - what feels good. Plenty of things feel good but they are not sensible choices. Taking drugs, I guess, feels good to you boyfriend but...

 

The other thing you need to think about is whether your boyfriend is going to use you as a crutch. I see the whole thing becoming this toxic situation where he'll use the threat of relapse against you if you don't do it his way.

 

I really cannot stand drugs and abuse so I draw a hard line. If you knew the story of my present gf - she married a guy who was a heroine addict. He was clean for 9 years but for some reason he went back. It got really, really ugly.

 

If you are going to stay with this guy you will have to accept now that he is a drug addict, will always be one, and may or may not relapse going forward. It's like you are asking yourself to swim in a whirlpool - you will always have to swim and swim and hopefully not get sucked in.

[Msblueyes]

My x/sometimes/maybe now boy...friend of 8plus years is a drug addict...if I would have known "then" back in 2000 what I know "now"...I would make like Forest Gump and start running!

[seaswept]

I hear what your saying. That is what decision I know I have to make. As with the past few months with him...I will always be wondering 'whats around the corner' even if he does great and never relapses. Every time he tells me something, I will wonder if its the truth, even if he isnt lying. We will constantly be in one of those 'the boy who cried wolf' situations, where even if he tells the truth, I may think its a lie.

 

This is the first time I have had to deal with this. The only time I have ever come close to dealing with something like this, I left my husband and divorced him before he ever even admitted any truths.

For this guy to come to me after just a few months in hopes of quitting and wanting to continue our relationship is a difficult decision, and it sucks

[Msblueyes]

I hear what your saying. That is what decision I know I have to make. As with the past few months with him...I will always be wondering 'whats around the corner' even if he does great and never relapses. Every time he tells me something, I will wonder if its the truth, even if he isnt lying. We will constantly be in one of those 'the boy who cried wolf' situations, where even if he tells the truth, I may think its a lie.

 

This is the first time I have had to deal with this. The only time I have ever come close to dealing with something like this, I left my husband and divorced him before he ever even admitted any truths.

For this guy to come to me after just a few months in hopes of quitting and wanting to continue our relationship is a difficult decision, and it sucks

 

I hear ya....I'm working on a film project regarding my love that deals with this subject matter....we hope to get it out into the film fest world once it's complete...I have already been through what "might happen" to you and word is, you don't need to go there.

 

I will repeat myself to say that there is a total difference of being in a relationship where people have "tried" drugs vs. "used" drugs habitually. The addict mind is not the same as the experimenter. Sometimes an experimenter becomes an addict due to genetics...no one will really let on because it would certainly put a damper in politics to cure drug addicts...i.e think cancer....with all the intelligence in our world, curing the malfunction would cause a trickle down effect on our economy and change the business world as we know it.

 

Anyhow, an addict, as you've probably heard, is the cleverest manipulator of all.....tread carefully in your relationship if you decide to remain involved.

 

What's his drug of choice?

[seaswept]

ICE was/is his drug of choice. He recently spent the weekend doing cocaine, in which was when he decided to confess this all to me.

[Msblueyes]

ICE was/is his drug of choice. He recently spent the weekend doing cocaine, in which was when he decided to confess this all to me.

 

Wow....I've heard that's worse than crack...which, was my love's d.o.c....

Was he snorting or smoking the big C? I guess it really doesn't even matter...an addict is an addict is an addict. Coke can make you spill your guts; especially when you're coming down and feel ****ty about all the cash you just blew or sent up in smoke....

[DazedandConfused66]

There are addicts....

 

And then there are RECOVERING addicts.....

 

Addicts will go to great lengths to get their fix. RECOVERING addicts will go to great lengths to AVOID the temptation of drugs.

 

Really, this isn't your problem. It's his. It is wonderful that he has a caring individual in his life who wants to be with him if he's willing to make the changes necessary to become a RECOVERING addict. But these are HIS decisions to make, not yours.

 

If you truly believe he possesses all the qualities you want in a man for a LTR, then tell him that straight up. But you should withhold any relationship from him until he can demonstrate to you that he is willing to change his focus in life to fight his addiction and go sober.

 

The only way to deal with addiction as a supporter is tough and unconditional love. But unconditional love doesn't mean unconditional acceptance of addictive and destructive behaviors. You can love him and accept him as a person without loving and accepting his addictive behaviors.

 

He needs professional help. And unless you are a drug addiction specialist, you can't offer the help he needs. You have to reconcile this fact in your heart and insist that he seek the help from someone who CAN help him. You can't.

 

This means you can't allow him into your life at an intimate level until he's clean. You have ZERO idea what he's doing when he's drugged. He may not even have a complete picture of what he's doing. He could be bringing a world of pain and danger into your life completely without intent and knowledge. It doesn't change the fact that he can.

 

This is an incredibly hard thing for you to do. Because I can tell you love him. So keep loving him....by insisting that he change, IMMEDIATELY, or you can't be together. Tough love.

 

Best wishes to you both.

[seaswept]

Okay, so I am crying now. I know that after reading the post above, I am so upset because I know that its all true. I do. And what am I really afraid of, when trying to hold onto him? Shouldnt I know that if he and I are supposed to be together than I can let him go now, and he will be there later...when he is actually recovering/recovered?

I must not be sure, because I am so afraid to let him go.

And how can I tell him "Your on your own" when he needs support?

I have told him exactly how I feel. That I am split between two major feelings, one to love him and be here for him and hope that we can have what I know is wonderful and two, to still love him but immediately get away from him and never see him again.

Yet, I havent accomplished anything with these conversations we have had. And everyday I wonder...what am I going to do? If I keep on, the day will come that he will 'disappear' and the only difference this time is that I will know 100% what he is actually out there doing...drugs.

[Msblueyes]

Okay, so I am crying now. I know that after reading the post above, I am so upset because I know that its all true. I do. And what am I really afraid of, when trying to hold onto him? Shouldnt I know that if he and I are supposed to be together than I can let him go now, and he will be there later...when he is actually recovering/recovered?

I must not be sure, because I am so afraid to let him go.

And how can I tell him "Your on your own" when he needs support?

I have told him exactly how I feel. That I am split between two major feelings, one to love him and be here for him and hope that we can have what I know is wonderful and two, to still love him but immediately get away from him and never see him again.

Yet, I havent accomplished anything with these conversations we have had. And everyday I wonder...what am I going to do? If I keep on, the day will come that he will 'disappear' and the only difference this time is that I will know 100% what he is actually out there doing...drugs.

 

If you want to stay and be supportive, you can. Just know that it's a long road ahead. Keep posting and asking questions. I've been with my love for eight years and just finally, now, I'm seeing some progress....

[JHS]

Okay, so I am crying now. I know that after reading the post above, I am so upset because I know that its all true. I do. And what am I really afraid of, when trying to hold onto him? Shouldnt I know that if he and I are supposed to be together than I can let him go now, and he will be there later...when he is actually recovering/recovered?

I must not be sure, because I am so afraid to let him go.

And how can I tell him "Your on your own" when he needs support?

I have told him exactly how I feel. That I am split between two major feelings, one to love him and be here for him and hope that we can have what I know is wonderful and two, to still love him but immediately get away from him and never see him again.

Yet, I havent accomplished anything with these conversations we have had. And everyday I wonder...what am I going to do? If I keep on, the day will come that he will 'disappear' and the only difference this time is that I will know 100% what he is actually out there doing...drugs.

 

Listen, you need to be sensible. Don't make your whole life depend on some "feeling" you have for a guy. Relationships are choices. Are you going to be with someone good or someone who brings out the worst in you? I should have you call my gf. The horror stories she could tell you after her "clean" husband relapsed. How he'd cry and cry and beg for drugs. Horrible horrible stuff - things she'll never get over, frankly. She'd trade that decision in in a heartbeat.