Heartbroken-- please help

[D]

Me and my boyfriend have only been dating for 5 months, but already we have become closer than ever to each other. I know for sure he is my soulmate, and he has said I am the same. We also have been talking about marriage in the distant future. it seems bazarre that after only five months we could have such an intense relationship, but its true. He is the man of my dreams and I do feel lucky to have found him.... now, for the past month, we have been getting into stupid fights ie- snapping at each other, having the other feel "neglected" at random times, etc.. what we fight over are the smallest things, but nonetheless it has taken a big toll on our relationship.. now he constantly tells me, "you don't love me as much anymore.. i blew it" and as much as I say "no" i feel in my heart we HAVE taken a step back..(him constantly being down on himself, also hinders me from truly talking to him, b/c anyuthing he says he blows out of porportion and blames 110% on himself) i feel like i walk on eggshells all day, just so we won't interfere with our "perfect" relationship.. and THAT in fact is such a relationship blocker for us,in order to grow closer to each other. this is killing me, PLEASE HELP so i can salvage this relationship

[Roxanne]

let me tell you this. i have been with my boyfriend a year and when we first started datting till about 5 months into it i was like you. i never said anything about what was bothering me or never spoke my mind on anything, because i didn't want him to get mad at me or because i don't want to get into a fight. but then i got sick of him thinking i was so perfect and that our relationship was perfect that i blew up one day. over something stupid. but let me tell you every scince i have been speaking up and telling him how i feel and what is wrong with me we have been doing so much better. i couldn't stand not telling him what was on my mind because i am the type of person that if i don't like something i tell you so this was not good for me or our relationship. just tell him how you feel and tell him that you don't like to tell him what is going on because he always blams his self and you don't like that. try it. talking does alot for a relationship.

 

roxanne

Me and my boyfriend have only been dating for 5 months, but already we have become closer than ever to each other. I know for sure he is my soulmate, and he has said I am the same. We also have been talking about marriage in the distant future. it seems bazarre that after only five months we could have such an intense relationship, but its true. He is the man of my dreams and I do feel lucky to have found him.... now, for the past month, we have been getting into stupid fights ie- snapping at each other, having the other feel "neglected" at random times, etc.. what we fight over are the smallest things, but nonetheless it has taken a big toll on our relationship.. now he constantly tells me, "you don't love me as much anymore.. i blew it" and as much as I say "no" i feel in my heart we HAVE taken a step back..(him constantly being down on himself, also hinders me from truly talking to him, b/c anyuthing he says he blows out of porportion and blames 110% on himself) i feel like i walk on eggshells all day, just so we won't interfere with our "perfect" relationship.. and THAT in fact is such a relationship blocker for us,in order to grow closer to each other. this is killing me, PLEASE HELP so i can salvage this relationship

[Been There]

I can completely understand. I was just there recently. I met the "perfect" woman, and she thought I was the "man of her dreams." From the first date it was love at first sight, and it seemed that every fantasy we had ever had about love and romance was to be fulfilled in our new relationship. Within weeks we had fantasies of marriage, kids, and all that stuff -- it was intense!

 

The problem is that all these feelings came up SO fast, they came up BEFORE we really knew each other -- both assets and flaws. Starting a relationship convinced that "we're perfect for each other" almost guarantees disappointment. And in the end, that is what we both suffered -- we had unrealistic expectations that the other person was "the one" without truly knowing each other. And with each "flaw" we both uncovered, our disappointment grew. And when we both realized that we had to actually "work" at this thing (just like every other relationship we had ever had), it basically marked the end of us. I woke up from a fantasy, saw the person I was really with, and suddenly (and painfully) realized that I had fallen in love with the image of a perfect person, but not the person I was actually with.

 

I believe that's probably where the two of you are now. You had an intense beginning and now you are truly getting to know each other -- assets and flaws. You are now getting a chance to really know each other and realizing that you both have to work at this thing. Obviously there was something there in the beginning that carried you through, but now it is time build something new, not based on the intensity you felt before, but on your willingness to keep building and keep working. I think the two of you should have a talk about what your expectations are of this relationship so you both can figure out which expectations are realistic and which are not. The unrealistic expectations hurt my last relationship, but perhaps they will not hurt yours. Best of luck.

 

let me tell you this. i have been with my boyfriend a year and when we first started datting till about 5 months into it i was like you. i never said anything about what was bothering me or never spoke my mind on anything, because i didn't want him to get mad at me or because i don't want to get into a fight. but then i got sick of him thinking i was so perfect and that our relationship was perfect that i blew up one day. over something stupid. but let me tell you every scince i have been speaking up and telling him how i feel and what is wrong with me we have been doing so much better. i couldn't stand not telling him what was on my mind because i am the type of person that if i don't like something i tell you so this was not good for me or our relationship. just tell him how you feel and tell him that you don't like to tell him what is going on because he always blams his self and you don't like that. try it. talking does alot for a relationship.

 

roxanne

[Totally Confused]

What you are going through is absolutely normal. You now have passed over the honeymoon phase of your relationship. The honeymoon phase lasts from anywhere to 3 - 6 months. Usually at 4 months is when a person starts to show who they truly are, that's why the beginning can be so exciting. There are some people who are so addicted to the initial beginning feeling stages, because there is no smothering and it's the carefree stage (usually a person who is in love with being in love) that as soon as they pass that stage (3/4 months) and their girlfriend/boyfriend starts to become more real and more human (rather than the perfect person) they can't deal and they have to move on and find another new relationship, so they can feel the initial carefree happy go lucky wonderful feeling again. These people can also be classified as committment phobics.

 

Anyway, the two of you were lost in the newness of each other that you made each other perfect in each others eyes (don't worry, most everyone does it). Now that the two of you have finally come back down to earth, it's kind of dissapointing. You have to realize one thing - Nobody is perfect and everyone is going to annoy you. THe truth about the matter is - relationships are a lot of work. They're not supposed to be perfect...there's no such thing. REmember, you are dealing with two different people, with two different personalities. No one is the same. Now is the time when you have to look at his good and bad qualities and see which is more important to you. Does he treat you well? Does he make you happy more often than not? Now that you are discovering each other on a deeper level (and yes, this is a much deeper level than you were before believe it or not) you can now see if you two are really for each other or "soul mates" as you put it and really and truly in love (or were you just caught up in the funny feeling). This is just part of the relationship growing process and if you two are for each other, you'll learn how to deal with his insecurities and he'll be able to learn how to deal with the things about you that annoy him. If you two really love each other, Maybe you will be able to teach him that he doesn't have to be as insecure and maybe over time, he'll listen and become more secure with the relationship, through your patience and understanding. If you two get past this, then you are for each other. If you find you can't deal, then you'll move on to someone who you are more compatable with, but that's why the funny feeling can sometimes be misguiding. People sometimes end up with people who are not good for them or that they are not compatable with. Take your time. Relax and get to know him on this level. Don't get upset and think that there's something wrong unless this continues to get worse and worse. If you need to take a step back and take some time alone, then do so. Don't worry about him being hurt, because you've got to do what's best for you, let him take care of himself...he'll be fine. Just do what you need to do until you decide if this can be worked out or not, there's no rush.

 

Good luck and I hope you two are able to work everything out.

[Quettia]

My ex-boyfried and I was also dating for 5 months but we fell apart and now I am very stressed. I can not eat, sleep, or do my work. I love this boy and he loves me as well. He is just so afraid to fall in love because his last girlfriend just walk out on him. The thing is, you have to talk to him if you do not he is going to believe that you are hiding something from him and you could loose his trust that way. My ex and I always communicated and I believe that is why we fell in love. The only thing, as I said before is that he is scared. The lack of communication can led to multiple problems. However, the more you communicate the more you learn about that person and yourself. If he is truly your soulmate then the two of you will be able to work things out. By the way have you ever tried to figure out why he continues to blame himself. Because my ex did the same thing. Maybe he loves you but he is afraid to fall in love with you.There is no such thing as a perfect relationship. If it is perfect then there is something really wrong. Also do not let him blame you for his insecurities. He wants you to feel sorry for him so that you will become a weaker person. The thing is do not feel sorry for him and do not treat him harshly either. Just talk to him and see what he want and need.

Me and my boyfriend have only been dating for 5 months, but already we have become closer than ever to each other. I know for sure he is my soulmate, and he has said I am the same. We also have been talking about marriage in the distant future. it seems bazarre that after only five months we could have such an intense relationship, but its true. He is the man of my dreams and I do feel lucky to have found him.... now, for the past month, we have been getting into stupid fights ie- snapping at each other, having the other feel "neglected" at random times, etc.. what we fight over are the smallest things, but nonetheless it has taken a big toll on our relationship.. now he constantly tells me, "you don't love me as much anymore.. i blew it" and as much as I say "no" i feel in my heart we HAVE taken a step back..(him constantly being down on himself, also hinders me from truly talking to him, b/c anyuthing he says he blows out of porportion and blames 110% on himself) i feel like i walk on eggshells all day, just so we won't interfere with our "perfect" relationship.. and THAT in fact is such a relationship blocker for us,in order to grow closer to each other. this is killing me, PLEASE HELP so i can salvage this relationship

[Shirley]

Me and my boyfriend have only been dating for 5 months, but already we have become closer than ever to each other. I know for sure he is my soulmate, and he has said I am the same. We also have been talking about marriage in the distant future. it seems bazarre that after only five months we could have such an intense relationship, but its true. He is the man of my dreams and I do feel lucky to have found him.... now, for the past month, we have been getting into stupid fights ie- snapping at each other, having the other feel "neglected" at random times, etc.. what we fight over are the smallest things, but nonetheless it has taken a big toll on our relationship.. now he constantly tells me, "you don't love me as much anymore.. i blew it" and as much as I say "no" i feel in my heart we HAVE taken a step back..(him constantly being down on himself, also hinders me from truly talking to him, b/c anyuthing he says he blows out of porportion and blames 110% on himself) i feel like i walk on eggshells all day, just so we won't interfere with our "perfect" relationship.. and THAT in fact is such a relationship blocker for us,in order to grow closer to each other. this is killing me, PLEASE HELP so i can salvage this relationship

 

Hi!

 

All you need to do is learn how to communicate more effectively, that's all. Really concentrate on using more "I" statements, rather than lashing out and using "You" statements. You have to stay open with him, and not hold back because you are afraid of an argument. Telling him how you feel is not accusing him of anything. And everyone is entitled to their own oppinions, so if the two of yours don't match, then accept that. The fact that he has different oppinions about certain things than you do, does not mean that your love for him is any less.

[harold emick]

Hi D,

 

i hope this helps, when it comes to the matter of the heart its not good to jump into a relationship so fast. Have you both sat down and really felt each other out? let your love know what you feel, your goals, dreams, wants, needs are. when you are feeling neglected, ask yourself why do you feel this way. Research the issue from your side first then if you can't find any answers sit down and very gently probe him as to what it is that he is doing to make you feel neglected. sometimes you have to look hard to find the answers, but their there.

 

A lot of times people get so rapped up in themselves that they don't really see whats going on. Remember this a lot of people liston but they don't hear, and a lot look but they don't see. ask yourself this do we spend enough quality

 

time togeather? Does he really know me, or do i really know him. Sit down with each other and try to go over these issues and try not to get angry because one or the other is saying or doing something to hurt the other. Talking about problems in your relationship is hard to do, but it is very important to resolve an issue. you both need to draw closer to each other and find out what it is that triggers these fights. If he is always being down on himself his selfesteam

 

is very low, find out why and try to build him up. He may be afraid of something and he's afraid to talk about it, he may care so much about you that he's afraid of loosing you.

 

sometimes some people love and care so much about each other that they are smuthering each other. If you want to you can e-mail me at <e-mail address removed> and i will be glad to help you as much as i can. what is said between stays between us. I have learned from all of my relationships why things didn't work after it was to late.

 

Please don't give up.

 

Harold

Me and my boyfriend have only been dating for 5 months, but already we have become closer than ever to each other. I know for sure he is my soulmate, and he has said I am the same. We also have been talking about marriage in the distant future. it seems bazarre that after only five months we could have such an intense relationship, but its true. He is the man of my dreams and I do feel lucky to have found him.... now, for the past month, we have been getting into stupid fights ie- snapping at each other, having the other feel "neglected" at random times, etc.. what we fight over are the smallest things, but nonetheless it has taken a big toll on our relationship.. now he constantly tells me, "you don't love me as much anymore.. i blew it" and as much as I say "no" i feel in my heart we HAVE taken a step back..(him constantly being down on himself, also hinders me from truly talking to him, b/c anyuthing he says he blows out of porportion and blames 110% on himself) i feel like i walk on eggshells all day, just so we won't interfere with our "perfect" relationship.. and THAT in fact is such a relationship blocker for us,in order to grow closer to each other. this is killing me, PLEASE HELP so i can salvage this relationship