I am just hoping for a light at the end

[nowjustme]

I have been reading the posts here for a few weeks and was hoping I could also get some advice/reasurrance/feedback. I looked in the break-up section and it didn't seem appropriate, we were basically married except for the paper.

 

I had been living with my boyfriend for almost ten years and we have had a house together for 2 1/2. Well, three weeks ago, he told me that he wants to sell the house and get a place by himself. I was totally blindsided by this, we never fight and get along great. I asked him how long he'd been thinking about this and he tells me a couple of weeks.

 

He swears there is no one else, that he just needs to be alone. I then checked the cell phone bill and found out he has been talking to this woman A LOT, like hours. I asked him who she was (I know it was a woman, because I called the number and got her voicemail) and he said she was a friend from work, she is having problems with her husband, it's nothing, she just needs someone to talk to, etc. I don't believe him, keep asking why he is talking to her, he gets mad. I also don't really believe him because he started talking to her for the first time exactly two weeks before he tells me all this. I find it to be too odd to be coincidence. I don't think it's physical, but it hurts. I don't want to be naive, especially after reading the posts here, but I think it has only been conversations so far. I can't help but blame her, even though there is nothing I can do about it. I kept looking at the phone bill, seeing how much he talked to her after this, but it was just torture. (We now have separate accounts, so I can't do it anymore, probably for the best).

 

He keeps saying it isn't me, that he does not want to have to depend on anyone and he has things in his life that he wants to accomplish alone. He said he just wants to get rid of everything and start over. I knew he had been stressed/unhappy for a couple of months, but he has not been happy at work for a while and I thought the job and money was his problem.

 

I am doing my best to accept the fact that it's over, but can't really move on because we are still in the house together. Neither of us can afford it alone and don't want to make the other one pay for it by themselves until it's sold, whenever that might be. It sucks that he is here and it will suck even more when he's not. He is acting like this is a mid-life crisis, but I do not think there is any chance of him changing his mind and he refuses to get any counseling. I guess I should just be happy we don't have any kids.

 

We are now acting like roommates and it sucks. He sleeps on the couch and I sleep in the bed. He stays out half the night and I try so hard not to ask him where he was or what he was doing. We have been best friends for a very long time and this is so painful.

 

I read redblack's posts and several others that were eeirly similar and I guess it helps that I am not the only one. Not that I would ever want anyone to feel like this. I can barely eat or sleep and do not feel like doing anything. I want to be like that scene in the movie 'Singles' and just curl up and not even leave the house.

 

I guess I really would just like to hear that things will eventually get better. This was my first real relationship, so I have never gone through anything like this before. I was very social in college and didn't need a steady relationship at that time. I graduated, moved 1100 miles away from home (and all of my family), then met him. I really never been single the entire time I have lived here and don't know where to start on making new friends and how to keep busy. I just sit and dwell and feel like a lonley loser. It's hard to start realizing that no one cares if you come home or where you are or what you are doing. I have never lived alone; I always had roommates before we moved in together. I am even more afraid of how lonely I will be when he's really gone. I just don't know.

 

I am so sorry this is so long, but I needed to get it out. I hope it wasn't too much to get through.

[Confused9]

Oh man...I really feel you. You story is like mine in so many ways. He may not have cheated physically yet, but it's definately an emotional affair. I am not going to generalize but I need to tell you my x fiance said the same thing to me...there's no one else, I just want to be alone, I don't want to have a girlfriend, etc. etc. and there was someone else and he left me for her. Moved 1000s of miles away and is with her now. I was with him for 7 years and we were planning a wedding for this October.

 

I was completely blindesided by this. I never saw it coming and thought he loved me more than anything in this world.

 

I heard a voicemail from her and he was acting weird which got my suspicions going and wala...after a month he admitted it...but said it was just a kiss and the girl was just a friend. 2 months later they are preggo. Now, according to him...they lost the baby. I have no idea if the baby was ever true or if they are still having one, but it's no longer of my concern. He was SO mean throughout the whole thing and turned in to someone I don't even recognize (prepare yourself for that, just in case.)

 

He said the I never loved you's, you were a mistake, I never wanted to marry you's...he threw the blame my way (which after reading posts on here seems to be what a lot of cheaters do) and that killed me. But, I knwo it's his guilt talking. He is very angry when we do speak (which is not often) so prepare yourself for that too. Not sure if that will happen to you, but I wasn't prepared for that and that hurt the worst.

 

This board has been a savoir to me. This was my first real relationship and breakup. I have never experienced so much pain, but I will tell you...it gets better. I have my sad days still, I am SUPER lonely, I check his myspace and wonder how, why, when, what, etc. There has been no real closure and no real explenation from him (you can read my whole story if you feel up to it) but, I have been managing to get through.

 

You will too. You need to keep yourself busy. NC will be hard since you are living together now, but once you can seperate yourself from him...do so. Try and move on as much as you can while still living there. Right now, he has clearly checked out of your relationship...regardless of how hurt, sad, etc. you feel you need to understand that. The man you knew and loved is no longer there. He can NOT help you through this all though you feel like he is the only person who can. I promise you that.

 

I am so sorry for the pain you feel. Just know it will get better. It has too. You are in control of your life now...you need to do whatever you can to move on and make the best of your situation. Take care of you. Eat, sleep, and try and do whatever you can to help yourself through this. Therapy, post here, go out with friends.

 

I am so sorry. I knwo the pain you feel all too well!

Edited January 22, 2008 by Confused9

[Computers]

Do you want to save this relationship? If the answer is "no," there is AT LEAST one thing you have to do. Expose the affair or the fact that they have been talking so much to the other woman's husband. If you were in his shoes, wouldn't you want to know? You have the ethical obligation to let him know what's going on.

 

Statistically speaking, most affairs will die within 6 months after exposure. There are many reasons for it, you can trust that. When I say "exposure," I mean expose to people that these two adulters respect, inlcuding their parents, their boss, the other person's spouse, their church leaders if they have any, etc.

 

The LEAST you can do is to expose it to this woman's husband. He has the right to know. Make sure you do so without any warning to your boyfriend. He will stop you from doing it. He might even despise you for exposure, because affairs lives on secetcy, but it will wake him up on what he's doing.

[LostHusband]

Wow I really feel for you. It is VERY hard to have someone tell them they want out of the relationship but then have no place to go, so you just go on living with them. My situation is very similar. For me it got easier (been 2.5 months of living with her, and she's been packing stuff but still hasn't found a place). I still have bad days, and real bad days - but for the first month EVERY day was a bad day, I was crying all the time and feeling like total crap. But here I am a couple of months later, and most of the time I am ok - but I have to admit it is very hard. The EA stuff is the worst, it would be a lot easier having the wife still around if I didn't have to find her texting away at 6 o'clock in the morning instead of going to bed. We are also like roommates, or more like friends with benefits. I dunno - it depends on the situation you are in but it will get better eventually, look forward to having the place to yourself, thats what I do.

[guessjeans]

Oh i know your pain! My ex husband hired his present g/f when we were together. It wasnt until now 4 yrs later that she leaves her husband, and they immediately started sleeping together, and into a full blown serious relatrionship. All the dating happens at work. Then once the emotional affair is out into the open, its as if they have known each other for years. And in my case, it has been.

 

Although we have been split for 4 yrs, I remember this woman driving my husband home from a christmas party one yr, walking in on a telephone conversation a few weeks after we split and still trying to see if we can make it work. How stupid! duh! I think there was a lot of lunches spent together, golfing far out of the city, etc....

She was living with her husband and son, and according to my ex, as he said to me when he announced he was seeing someone..."the poor thing hasnt had sex in 10 yrs"! . Yeah! Give the man a Cape and a condom!

 

When I go back to our last yr of living togther, I noticed a change in his behaviour but i put it down to the pressures of owning his own company. Me and our son would get the crappy side of the man, the man that was mad all the time, while she got the smiles and friendly side of him everyday he would go to work!

 

I remember her calling him 3 times within a 10 min span! I didnt think anything of it..it was the office secretary and he had come home for lunch. We were in the bedroom at the time, and finally after the 3rd call, he said..."I AM AT HOME". then hung up. Then he said to me, "that should stop that"! Of course..I didnt think anything of it. Duh again! Oh, did I mention she is 10 yrs older than me! She is almost 60! I am 47, and he is a young 51 yr old.

 

He gave up his shares of the company a few months after we split, and was unemployed for 2 yrs..but she continued to call. He would mention her as a woman that isnt very happy at home! God, the signs! They were each other confidont. He always wanted to come back after we split, said he loved me, then when he announced that he is now seeing someone, didnt tell me who she was, said to me, "you know, I only stayed for matt towards the end". Laughable! Then all those talks you had to your brother in laws about how are you going to deal with the loss of me, and how you wanted to get back together after we split was a lie, right?

 

I say, wish these ppl the best! Because getting involved with ppl you work with usually ends in disaster. This is your income..this is what pays your bills! Image if it doesnt work out?? The next woman is going to like the fact that you are going to see the "ex" everyday when they go to work? These types of relationships usually dont last. And in my case, the woman literally left her husbands home on a saturday, and they were sleeping together that night! You have to think the her husband has got to know something was going on when she was living with him?? Not to mention, he is the office manager now.

 

Chin up ppl. It wont last. And one day, someday, they are going to look back at this as a mistake, a lonely time in their lives where they felt they had found someone that can relate to them, understand them, give them the comfort they felt they didnt have previously. But its all a fog. A false sense of bandaide fix. And once those immediate needs are met, they will look back at those they hurt, deceived, and wish they had never gotten involved with these ppl from work and be dialing your number. By then, we have all moved on with ppl we can trust, and we can kick these ppl to the curb where they belong.

[Nomad1]

I entirely empathise with you having gone through the same thing. In my case, 3 children, married for 17yrs, a nice big house. Well, i started the divorce a few weeks ago, the house is on the market, but still living in the same house. She is having an emotional affair with a detainee awaiting deportation, although I hear he is being let out very shortly pending his final deportation. She is completely obssessed with him, would do anything for him. He is 10 yrs younger. She is 42. She has been on the defensive whenever I raised the subject. Would shout angrily at me, and even threw something at me at one point. She had never done anything like that in the past. She used to be so kind and caring. She rewrote our relationship history by saying that she didn't want to be in it for a long time, when she used to say how lucky we were to love each other and having stayed together for so long. Anyway, let him go, he doesn't deserve you. While you sit there thinking about him and mourning the loss of your relationship, he is thinking and fantasising about her. He probably even forgets that you are in the same house. That is the frame of mind of a cheater who brings the relationship to an end. He has already checked out of the relationship emotionally, probably months before you found out.

 

Stay strong

 

Nomad1

[cj1988]

Sounds like we are all married to the same person or family. My H did the same, was having an EA with his new 1/2 sister (GROSS) I exposed them and of course I am the crazy one and they made me think so for a long time. Two weeks after DDAY, he said he could not take it and told me to move on....contnued to all her through JULY of this year and then she sleot with his BF wife with her H and now she is trash as well to him, but still treats me like dirt.

 

These people are very selfish and get what they deserve in the end, NOTHING AND ALONE. Let your man go, he will see the light again, but then you will as well and will have GLADY nmoved on......we are all in the same boat and my ship is gettig better by the day !

[LifesontheUp]

Take it from someone who went through something similar over 5 years ago...........it does get better I promise

 

At the moment you are longing for things to go back to how they used to be, but unfortunately things have changed and will never be the same again. You will come to accept in time that this was a stage in your life and you will move on to bigger and happier times.

 

In the meantime, try not to sit around on your own. Go out and do stuff that you enjoy, join a gym, take some classes, learn something new and meet new people. You were very social once.....so go and make the effort to meet some new people. It's a start, and will make you feel much better

[nowjustme]

Thank you all so much for your advice.

 

LostHusband, I had been reading your thread before I posted and just wondered how you did it. How long before you could stop, at least a little, obsessing about everything?

 

I had been having a pretty decent day, ate lunch for the first time in weeks and wasn't feeling a complete sense of doom. I came home from work, he got home not too much later. We just talked about nothing important and watched some tv and then he fell asleep on the couch. He got woken up a couple hours later by his phone, it was a guy friend (I could hear him). He said that he was just going to walk around a little to wake up and then went out. That was an hour ago. Now, again, I feel like crap. I know that the only reason he'd still be out 'walking' is because he is talking to her. His phone had rung earlier, but he hadn't woken up and the person left a message. I am certain it was that 'friend'. I can't check his phone because he keeps it on him at all times. Probably for the best, but all I can think about is how much I hate someone I have never met. I wish I could stop thinking about it, but I can't!

 

How am I going to make it through however long it takes for the house to be sold? How am I going to be when we are actually not in the same house?

Edited January 23, 2008 by nowjustme
posted before completed

[LostHusband]

Thank you all so much for your advice.

 

LostHusband, I had been reading your thread before I posted and just wondered how you did it. How long before you could stop, at least a little, obsessing about everything?

 

 

I'm not sure I ever did stop obsessing about everything. I just got use to it? Or maybe I just ignored it? I think I am still obsessing about everything, but maybe not as often. I just try to put it out of my mind and get along with my wife as well as possible. The only time things get really bad is when I bring something negative up, like asking her who she texting on her phone no matter when she is doing it. Sometimes it's just a friend, or her brother or something, she gets mad and shows it to me and I feel dumb for asking. But I know she does stuff in secret too - which is really hard to deal with, but I can't do much about it. I guess I started getting better at the two month mark, I just looked at the date and thought "60 days, I HAVE to start moving on" and I did. I fall backwards still, and I have to admit I was better two weeks ago than I am now, but I hope to be good again soon. I should really update my thread one of these days, but I'm afraid people will just think I'm stupid for not listening to their advice.

[Trecherized]

there are a lot of us that are sailing on the same boat here. my ex and i were together for almost 9 years. she wanted some space, needed to do things on her own. we also own a house together but only under my name since her credit is not up to par. well, she moved out a few weeks ago. it's been better since i've found this site. a lot of people will really help you and take their advice. these people really are here to help.

 

i lost 15 lbs in two weeks and actually just started going back to the gym and eating again today. big step but it seems like there is going to be light at the end after all.

[ouch-hurting]

i'm so sorry for your situation. sounds like he def had EA. it is so painful to know that someone you love could betray you like that.

 

counselor said that people stay "confused" longer if they remain in contact with other person. i too thought my husband was just having a hard time at work. and, it's likely that he was and turned to other woman for comfort instead of me like he should have.

 

if the relationship has any chance to survive, he has to have no contact with other person - permanently. and, agree to some sort of counseling. even if things are over with you too, it might be a good idea anyway since it was a long term relationship and he is still in the house

 

best to you

[nowjustme]

I really appreciate everyone checking in and your thoughts. I guess I don't feel quite as alone this way.

 

LostHusband, thank you and thanks for updating your thread. As your situation was the most similar, I was interested in how you were doing.

 

I am doing my best to quit feeling sorry for myself and not think about what he's doing/thinking/etc. He got home late last night and I didn't ask him where he'd been or anything, I was proud of myself. He even left his phone out where I could have looked and didn't. I think it would have been worse if I had.

 

We've had a few good days. Saturday night he didn't go out, we just watched some tv and the other night he made dinner (he has always done all the cooking). These nights are almost worse, because they seem almost 'normal' until I go to bed alone.

 

I obviously can't do NC at all, since we are both here. I am doing my best to make it just small talk instead. Nothing about the relationship, or now the lack of. I know he's made up his mind and I have been trying very hard to accept it and face it head on. I didn't cry yesterday...almost, but didn't. I guess it's a step forward.

 

I have been contemplating a move, either four hours away to where my brother is, or maybe out of state. Is this me trying to find a fresh start, or am I trying to run away? I do not want to do anything rash just because I am unhappy.

[Issues & tissues]

Nowjustme,

 

Your story is so much like mine - my ex and I have lived together for 10 years and just a few weeks ago he casually drops into conversation that he is moving out. Just like your hubby, he swore that there was no-one else and that he just wanted some time on his own.

 

In short, I came U-N-D-O-N-E!!!

 

I too am finding it really hard to move on as I love him deeply (which unlike a light switch you can't just turn off and on at will) and we are for now still living under the same roof (though he insists that he's moving out on 31 Jan). Right now, not sure what's more difficult to cope with: the fact that he can so calmly walk away as though the last 10 years never happened or the fact that he has tried to get into my pants every night this week (naturally I refused!).

 

Hang in there, doll! We won't always feel like this!

 

The one thing that gives me the strength to get out of bed each day is the fact that in time I will look back at this painful experience and think "I had a lucky escape!" and "thank god we didn't make it down the aisle!".

Edited January 27, 2008 by Issues & tissues

[backspn]

I too am finding it really hard to move on as I love him deeply

 

I have been there and it took me a year to get over my SO. I didnt date for 2 more years and focused on myself. I have met a great woman now even though my insecurities still come into play when I dont see her. You have to look deep inside and see if you really want to be with someone who doesnt want you back. Its hard I know! The hardest thing I ever did was leave my ex wife after she cheated on me. We had been together for 10 years. Keep your chin up!

[nowjustme]

Nowjustme,

 

Your story is so much like mine - my ex and I have lived together for 10 years and just a few weeks ago he casually drops into conversation that he is moving out. Just like your hubby, he swore that there was no-one else and that he just wanted some time on his own.

 

In short, I came U-N-D-O-N-E!!!

 

I too am finding it really hard to move on as I love him deeply (which unlike a light switch you can't just turn off and on at will) and we are for now still living under the same roof (though he insists that he's moving out on 31 Jan). Right now, not sure what's more difficult to cope with: the fact that he can so calmly walk away as though the last 10 years never happened or the fact that he has tried to get into my pants every night this week (naturally I refused!).

 

Hang in there, doll! We won't always feel like this!

 

The one thing that gives me the strength to get out of bed each day is the fact that in time I will look back at this painful experience and think "I had a lucky escape!" and "thank god we didn't make it down the aisle!".

Wow, that is scary. How can guys (sorry to generalize) just turn it off like that?

 

At least you have a tentative date for the move out, I have this eternal dread for the end. I want him to go, I don't , I do, I don't.... I just want the waiting to be over so I can get on with my life.

 

He has been almost normal the last week, except he is avoiding any physical contact with me like the plague, accidental or otherwise. We can both be in the same room and he sits as far away as possible. I guess that's good, at least this way there is some sort of separation.

 

I don't know, I guess it's better to appreciate the good times that were and look forward to better to come, even if they are with someone else.

 

I am still just annoyed that one of the biggest accomplishments in my life, my house, is now one of the things that I regret, just because it is tying me to someone who decided (without me) that it's time to move on....