i caught my boyfriend masterbating more than once

[kacita]

I'm going through the toughest thing basically I've ever had to deal with. My boyfriend of 4 years masterbates behind my back. I have asked him 3 times not to do this while me or our 10 month old are in the house but he has done it anyway. I have told him that it really makes me feel that there is a problem with our sex life and also that it makes me feel less of a women. I feel cheated but I also know every guy does this. Other than this problem i love him very much except for the fact that he lies to me. i want tomake our relationship work for the sake of our daughter but i don't know what i'll do if I catch him in the act again.

 

 

 

What should I do about this problem

[Jamie31]

You really shouldn't get so upset about this. I mean every guy does this. And you say you have a 10 month old? Well, maybe your sex life has kind of diminished since the baby came. But even thinking that the relationship wouldn't work because he does this is crazy! It's a natural thing that every guy does. I mean you can't be there to have sex with him every single time he wants it...if you could, you would be having sex with him 24/7...then who would take care of that baby!! Seriously, it doesn't mean you are inadequate, it's just something that guys do. Just tell him you don't care if he does it, he just needs to make it a little more private.

 

Hope I have helped.

[jenny]

if it's interrupting your intimacy with him, i guess that's a problem; but otherwise, why on earth does it threaten you so much?

 

i'm usually kind of vaguely aroused that guys walk around with sooo much sexual energy - i think its actually pretty healthy.

[kacita]

thank you so much for your reply. I am not so much as threatened as confused about this subject. I get so many different opinions about this you wouldn't believe!

 

There is just one thing that i did not tell you. I told him that i do not care if he masterbates except that i do not want him doing it when me or the baby are in the house. It just seems like he does not care of my feelings on this. I also told him to come and wake me up if he is in the mood that there is no bigger turn on for me but still he insists on doing this. And i cannot understand this because he is so embarrassed when i catch him. Do you think this is mean of me to forbid it when i am home. I never turn him down to have sex. OF course our sex life is a little slower than it used to be but come on.

[Kat]

People masturbate, doesn't matter if they are single or taken.

 

I don't see why you should be woried, other than the fact you say he is hiding it. I openly talk about it with my partner and there is no problem. It is kind of arousing. If you have no major problems in your relationship he is probably thinking of you, doesn't that make you feel good about yourself?

 

Do you have a sex life? I know some women have low labito and having a child basically dimishes it totally.

 

Don't feel weird about it and honestly if your 10mth old caught him in the act won't 'scar' your child. Why not try and work it into your sex life. Watch him, get used to it sweety. Don't fret it is all good and perfectly natural!

[Just A Girl2]

Did you also grow up in a repressed Catholic home?

 

Guys masturbate. Women do too, believe it or not.....however, in general, they are much more tight lipped (pardon the pun) about it.

 

You simply can't forbid your husband to do this while you or your baby are at home. That's crazy. And he's going to start to feel very bossed around and controlled......that's not good for a marriage.

 

Why do you have such a problem with him masturbating when you're under the same roof? Explain how you feel about it. Do you think it's morally wrong? Repulsive? What's the deal?

 

How is it that you've "caught him" at it? Doesn't he try to be discreet about it?

 

You make it sound like he sits around in the middle of the living room spanking the monkey with you and your daughter just steps away. Surely he's more discreet than this?

 

Just like having a new baby in one's life is a big change for the mother, it's also a big change for the Dad, too. It may take a guy a while to realize that even though his gal is a mother, she's still his lover. Lots of guys are afraid to have sex with their wife for months after the baby is born......they're afraid they might hurt her..especially if they were there in the delivery room and saw the birth and were there to see the pain of childbirth.

 

Maybe your guy feels a little 'left out' because obviously almost all of your time is devoted to taking care of your baby..........and he's got a lot of pent-up hormones surging there, and he masturbates also as a way of relieving tension.

 

It's his home, too..and as long as he's not masturbating in front of you and the baby (not that the baby would know what was going on anyway, of course), you need to seriously try to lighten up and give him his space here...........forbidding him could cause him to seek sex elsewhere........you don't want to run him off. You also don't want to make him feel so ashamed and embarassed..........you don't want to do anything that will drive a wedge in your relationship, or alienate him.

 

Almost all guys masturbate.....in the bathroom, in the shower, in the morning in bed under the covers, you name it. It's just how they are wired. It does NOT mean they aren't interested in their girlfriends/wives..........

 

A lot of guys masturbate to relieve tension, it helps to relax them....and I imagine with a new baby in the house, and all the stresses of a crying baby, maybe money concerns, the new responsibility, all that.......many young guys would be pretty stressed out.

 

You need to figure out why you have such a problem with this....because it's YOUR problem, not his. And he's not your child who you can "forbid" to do things that are natural...for if you do, you will only drive him away.

[shootingstar]

I happened to see this thread and I felt compelled to say my 2cents about this topic. My new girlfriend and I happened to get on this subject too about masturbation...don't ask me how it happened but it did...

 

Anyhow I asked her striaght up. do you do this for yourself? She said straight up, yes because I know how to please myself in ways I can not communicate to others...hmmm I thought...interesting. I mean I have done it since I was a lil tyke. I hated the fact that it had to be so secret. I mean it is human nature to want to have a fantasy, or to explore ones sexuality. I do not understand why your man can not communicate to you his desires or lack there of...I mean you sound pretty understanding about it actually. I personally would feel threatened if I was issued a 'DONT DO IT OR ELSE' type statement...but I don't understand why he can not respect your concerns either. I feel this is a perfectly natural act but there should be some kind of discreetness involved...is it this fact that he does it behind your back bother you? I obviously figure it does. So can I ask you if you are willing to incorporate it into your sex life?

 

What I am about to say may offend you and its not meant to be taken that way so please understand but I personally think that you have no right to forbid him to do this. I also think you may personally have some jealousy issues. I mean please dont think I am flaming you here but I think your man sounds like he is committed to you. He loves you. He is his own entity however...he is a human being and he is SEXUAL.

 

I personally do not understand why he does not want to 'GET MORE' so to speak since it sounds like you are offering it. Maybe you should proactivly set up an encounter now and then. Seriously...ever want to see sparks fly from a guy? Greet him when he comes home with a note...right in the middle of the floor in the doorway...it reads: Meet me in the bedroom...I am waiting...

 

Nothing more, nothing less...

 

When he enters the room you greet him with your beauty in lingerie on the bed...

 

I dont know, I mean its all about FANTASY...he masturbates because of the fantasy of other women. He is not cheating on you in action...perhaps mentally if you can call it that but it is really not like that. I personally do not think people were meant to stay monogomous in relationships but don't get me wrong, I do not cheat on my partner or anything, but I still feel people are people and they like to see variety. I am pretty sure that things are 100% normal in your man's eyes. I think this issue really lies within yourself. Don't take offence here but what is the issue with this. Do you find it dirty? Maybe it attacks your self worth...please do not feel this way. I am 100% sure that his actions are not intended as disrespect towards you. I think he just feels the need to satisfy himself at times...

 

I hope this works out for you. Relationships are amazing if they work well...I think communication is a HUGE key here. If you talk to him do not have a "hair's standing on your neck" type attitude. Don't give ultimatums. Just say this...(insert name here), on occasion I have seen you masturbate and I feel threatened because I feel....(angry that you are thinking about other girls, you do it in private, you don't ask me to relieve you...whatever)...I mean it is A LOT in HOW you do it...not so much that you are doing it (telling him to stop) but if you adjusted your tone, perhaps he would see the fact that this bothers you so much...

 

Good luck,

 

Drew

[kacita]

Hi Drew

 

 

Thank you for your opinion on this matter. You have a good point and I do think it may be a jealousy issue. I just had a baby and am not feeling the sexiest and lately I feel like I have just been a complete RAG.

 

I know this is natural for men and women to please themselves, in fact it is healthy.

 

Before I had my baby, I do not think this would affect me as much as it has. I really do not know why but that is the way i feel.

 

I really do not want to have a problem with this and of course I will not forbid him to do this! I just wish I never caught him - one time wasn't bad - but after the fifth it got very overwhelming. I try to tell myself that it is no big deal but every time I come home - I am scared of being humiliated again - him and I. Actually not so much humiliated as embarrassed!

 

I am thankful that he would do this rather than to cheat on me (i hope). But you also make me worried when you say stuff like people are not made to be monogamous. I know that is your opinion but if you find someone that you can fantasize about when you are not with them it helps them stay true.

 

Anyways please write back if you have any suggestions on how I can get over this.

 

Me and my boyfriend kind of joke about this now and that helps a great deal but I'm wondering if I need professional help about this

 

I dont know

 

Thanks again

[jitters]

I've caught my man at it, too <rolling eyes>

 

I agree with others, it's totally natural and when a person wants a "quick fix" sometimes it is the only thing that will do. He's been practicing for years and knows exactly how to touch himself for the result he wants. It really has nothing to do with his affection or desire for you at all! So don't worry that Mr. Hand will take your place.

 

That said, he should understand your desire not to have to see it in action. Maybe he can't wait until you and your daughter are away, but perhaps point out the lock on the bathroom door to him. That's a good place for private activity that you're not likely to walk in on.

 

The other thing you can do (if baby's taking a nap and you have a few minutes to yourselves) is join in...

 

Good luck

[moimeme]

I think you are feeling insecure and thinking he's fantasizing about somebody else he prefers to you. I think you don't have to worry at all for all the reasons the others mentioned.

 

A lot of couples make masturbation part of their sex lives - they watch each other and 'help out'. I think a masturbating man is extremely sexy to watch and if you can manage to begin to enjoy watching, it can make your man feel very accepted.

[LOTSOFLOVE]

MEN HAVE A MUCH HIGHER SEX DRIVE THAN WOMAN

MOST MEN WOULD HAVE SEX EVERY DAY IF THEY COULD

HIM MASTURBATING DOES NOT MEAN HE DOESNT LOVE YOU

HE PROBABLY JUST NEEDS TO RELEIVE HIMSELF, MEN ARE DIFERENT THAN WOMAN AS THEY BUILD UP A STRONG URGE TO EJACULATE WHICH SOMETIMES CAN BE VERY BOTHERSOME

YOU CANT TAKE IT PERSONALY ALSO HAVING A BABY CAN BE VERY EXAUSTING FOR A WOMAN LEAVING VERY LITTLE STRENGHT FOR MAKING LOVE

 

YOU NEED TO TALK TO HIM AND TELL HIM YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT HE IS DOING AND WORK THINGS OUT THE BEST THING IS TO BE OPEN

 

THE BEST OF LUCK

[niko1999]

Hey, sorry that you are feeling less than desirable now a days, make sure you let your husband know taht is how you are feeling, and that is why this is bothering you so much. I am sure you would understand just fine. Also, next time you "catch" him(how does taht happen? I luckily never have cuaght my guy, but I dont doubt he does occasionally in the shower), offer to help out It may help as well, and maybe you would feel more desirable, if maybe you show off for him as well. I know it is not easy with a 10 month old, maybe you can have someone watch the baby for a WHOLE night? Just an idea, but hope it works out for the best

[Mr. Confident]

actually, Kacita...in lieu of all the previous posts, let's just try n' keep it simple.

He's just a fantasizer who's always trying to be ready for you!

Your kid's just gonna 'jack-off' anyway...

Don't worry 'bout it!

with all the hypocritical negative input that i'm sure you've had to put up with anyway...

I only say that cuz of your obvious guilt

let it go

sex is sex, next time ya see 'im goin at it just jump on it!

1 o' my X's use-ta strip and get under me while i wuz doin push ups

heh heh

relax

be concerned with health, financial, and educational concerns.

good luck!

[Mr. Confident]

Kacita:

yeah, just cuz ya boyfriend's 'beatin'-off 'all over the place should make ya happy!

just think about all those poor bitches out there whose 'men' can't even get it up!

[julietverni]

Maybe you could ask him to do this in the bathroom, somewhere you wouldn't go if the door was closed whether he was masturbating or peeing or what have you. There would be less of a chance of you walking in (I would hope) and it might take it off your mind a bit. After all, if the bathroom door is closed, then there's only a 33% chance that he's masturbating.

[john_306]

I am a 40 year old married man with two kids. I masterbate all the time. My wife knows it and is fine with it. Almost all men masterbate and they do it to feel good not to hurt anyone.

 

Its completely normal. The best thing you can do is feel comfortable with yourself, your body and relax.

 

You only need to be concerned if it is done constantly instead of having sex with you.

[julie21082]

I just wanted to reply because I also have this problem. My boyfriend masturbates behind my back, too. It makes me feel inadaquate, jealous, and deeply hurt. I also happen to know that 90% of the time he uses porn. Which of course means he is NOT thinking of me. How am I supposed to feel? Although the sex is physically with himself, it is mentally with someone else. To me, that is cheating. I don't think that the masturbation part is so bad, it's that it's obviously done with someone else in mind. It is okay to fantasize. I will admit that I masturbate about once every blue moon. But when I do it, there is no one else in mind. I fantasize about HIM! If he feels the need to break the monotony (sp) by fantasizing about another woman, how do I know for sure that if given the opportunity, he won't actually cheat? I have discussed this with him in the past and he says it's because he doesn't want to bother me. And of course, I told him that I would more than willing to oblige in any way he wants. I just don't want him to do it behind my back. It hasn't helped. i have tried to meet him halfway. I've watched him do it (which actually is a turn on), he almost always turns on porn when having sex, which I have learned to live with. I don't know what else to do. I have tried to compromise and i get nothing. I have suffered many pregnancy losses in the 3 years we have been together (4 total). so, there has been alot of bleeding going on, which makes it difficult to have sex all the time, since messy sex isn't very sexy. Because of this, I feel like less of a woman as it is. Not to mention I have become very depressed and have gained ALOT of weight as a result. So, I don't feel very sexy. But I still do all that I can. I offer bj's, handjobs, anything he wants, anal even. I just don't understand the necessity. He isn't going to die if he doesn't cum right then and there. And why can't he come to me? Is it just that he does it so much better than me? Is his hand REALLY better? I know these are my issues, but would he be okay if I wanted to look at penises (or is it penii?) twice the size as his and masturbate behind his back. We hide nothing from eachother as far as I know, besides this. Why does this have to be hidden? And more importantly, why does he need porn? Why does he have to fantasize about other women? If men can't or don't really want to be monogomous, why do they settle with it?

 

Now that I've had an opportunity to vent my frustrations, at least for now. I guess it's just something I have to deal with FOREVER!

[kreyzbunch]

Hi, Maybe someone can help me. I am married to a fantastic man. We have been married for 22yrs. We are in our mid 40's. Lately I have caught him masterbating. Our sex life has dimminished.He doesn't stay hard very long for me. Everytime I find out . I really feel so hurt. Like I am less than. I must not be getting him excited anymore? I have to say I started to pull back. I am angry and hurt. Today I came home and he was masterbating with a porno on the computer. What do I do? How should I be feeling? Please advise.

[dyermaker]

Intimacy and masturbation are two different things, especially when it's with someone you love.

 

Sex entails some degree of intimacy, it's psychologically unavoidable.

 

Masturbation is taking care of a problem. Guys get chemical urges for sexual relief every eight minutes. You're delusional if you think you can take care of that.

[ladyangel]

Originally posted by dyermaker

Intimacy and masturbation are two different things, especially when it's with someone you love.

 

Sex entails some degree of intimacy, it's psychologically unavoidable.

 

Masturbation is taking care of a problem. Guys get chemical urges for sexual relief every eight minutes. You're delusional if you think you can take care of that.

Dyer, I think you're missing her point here. I don't think she would mind the masturbating IF they were having a satisfying sex life.

 

"Our sex life has dimminished. He doesn't stay hard very long for me."

 

I can understand her concern. Masturbation is one thing...but if it's a subsitute for having real sex with her, it can be hurtful.

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by ladyangel

I can understand her concern. Masturbation is one thing...but if it's a subsitute for having real sex with her, it can be hurtful.

They are still two different things. Masturbation as a substitute for sex implies that the sexual release is desired, but the intimacy is not, specifically because intimacy takes work. This is the AprilFool syndrome, that masturbation/porn is being BLAMED for the lack of intimacy, when it's really a symptom of something that can be mutually worked on, and with greater success.

[ladyangel]

Originally posted by dyermaker

They are still two different things. Masturbation as a substitute for sex implies that the sexual release is desired, but the intimacy is not, specifically because intimacy takes work. This is the AprilFool syndrome, that masturbation/porn is being BLAMED for the lack of intimacy, when it's really a symptom of something that can be mutually worked on, and with greater success.

I still think we're viewing it differently. Maybe she can clear this up for us. But I don't take it as her blaming porn for the lack of intimacy. I take it that their sex life is diminished and he is not performing sexually, and now she sees that he's masturbating to porn and she feels hurt because she feels he should be working on their sex life instead. Who knows, maybe we're saying the same thing but in different ways.

 

If he is having a hard time maintaining an erection with her but not with porn, I can see where that would be a concern to her. It does sound like they need to communicate and perhaps seek the help of a counselor if things don't improve.

[spencer]

to kacita: when you "catch him in the act ..quick jump on it before it goes away.

 

to julie20182: .. buy a vibrator, stream "hugh c@#k guy porn" on the computer and have some fun.

 

to krazybunch: buy a vibrator, stream "hot guy porn" on the computer and have some fun.

 

for julie and krazy: when he wants sex with you again, just tell him your all set, thanx,

"i decided your right with this masturbating thing, and took care of myself" then encourage them to carry on alone, like they have been. without you.

[ladyangel]

Originally posted by spencer

to kacita: when you "catch him in the act ..quick jump on it before it goes away.

 

to julie20182: .. buy a vibrator, stream "hugh c@#k guy porn" on the computer and have some fun.

 

to krazybunch: buy a vibrator, stream "hot guy porn" on the computer and have some fun.

 

for julie and krazy: when he wants sex with you again, just tell him your all set, thanx,

"i decided your right with this masturbating thing, and took care of myself" then encourage them to carry on alone, like they have been. without you.

I love it! Very good advice.

[Arabess]

Kacita......IGNORE Mr Confident....he is an A$$!!

 

The deal is this Sweetie....if it bothers you then you have a right to complain. He could AT LEAST wait unil he was in the shower alone or you were elsewhere with the child. If you feel 'less than' or degraded because of it....you need to state your feelings. If this man does not respect or adhere to your feelings....then he is as big of an A$$ as Mr Confident.

 

You are a person and need to feel respected and comfortable in your own home.