oyster Posted January 22, 2008 Share Posted January 22, 2008 ok so I have been seeing this girl for 2years and we talked about marriage tonight. She is seperated, waiting for divorce to be finalized. Since I won't commit to marrying her once her divorce is final (actually 1 years later), it is over between us two. For me living together and making a kid is what I want. Marriage is just a piece of paper and a wedding is expensive. Link to post Share on other sites
ElvenPriestess Posted January 22, 2008 Share Posted January 22, 2008 Did she know your feelings on this from the start? Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted January 22, 2008 Share Posted January 22, 2008 ok so I have been seeing this girl for 2years and we talked about marriage tonight. She is seperated, waiting for divorce to be finalized. Since I won't commit to marrying her once her divorce is final (actually 1 years later), it is over between us two. For me living together and making a kid is what I want. Marriage is just a piece of paper and a wedding is expensive. If marriage is "just" a piece of paper, then why is anyone dying on that hill? And a wedding doesn't have to be expensive. Who is calling it off? Her, because you won't commit to marriage, or you, because she insists you commit to marriage? I guess what I'm saying, if you don't see that much difference between staying common-law and being married, why are both of you being intransigent and letting that issue break up a possible life partnership? What else is going on here? Link to post Share on other sites
lovelorcet Posted January 22, 2008 Share Posted January 22, 2008 I think it is referred to as "common-law" and I am not exactly sure but depending on where you live I don't think that there is any real "legal weight" to it. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted January 22, 2008 Share Posted January 22, 2008 Common law marriage no longer exists in many states. People who live together are called "domestic partners" regardless of sex and have certain legal rights depending on the length of the couple being together and whether or not they've had children. I'm sorry people have trouble with this because, from a child's standpoint, they like to have a mom and dad who are married. It looks much better to their friends in certain circles and kids don't like looking bad. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted January 22, 2008 Share Posted January 22, 2008 Common law marriage no longer exists in many states. People who live together are called "domestic partners" regardless of sex and have certain legal rights depending on the length of the couple being together and whether or not they've had children. I'm sorry people have trouble with this because, from a child's standpoint, they like to have a mom and dad who are married. It looks much better to their friends in certain circles and kids don't like looking bad. I have to agree with that. Link to post Share on other sites
Tripper Posted January 22, 2008 Share Posted January 22, 2008 Why is Marriage so Important, common-in-law has same legal weight Because you make a public statement about your commitment in the eyes of your peers and your God. Link to post Share on other sites
mlinder Posted January 22, 2008 Share Posted January 22, 2008 Because you make a public statement about your commitment in the eyes of your peers and your God. I do not believe marriage has anything to do with commitment, do people really believe that saying those empty words at an altar will keep either of them from cheating or having an affair? Nope they are just words! It didn’t keep my wife from having an affair and it won’t keep your partner faithful either. You are only committed until one of you gives up, that is all. I filed for divorce and I'm not divorced yet but working on it, been almost a year. So in some way’s I’m against marriage after my whole experience. If you take away religion, marriage means nothing! Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted January 22, 2008 Share Posted January 22, 2008 Maybe my previous experience with marriage colours my view of it...I see it as an antiquated institution. It was designed to facilitate the transfer of property between father and husband. Property that, in the past, included the wife! I dislike the idea of marriage. I might get married one day, but I'm not getting married just because I'm pregnant. I'm sure my child will be fine. Link to post Share on other sites
Nevermind Posted January 22, 2008 Share Posted January 22, 2008 I do not believe marriage has anything to do with commitment And people wonder why marriages don't work. Link to post Share on other sites
sameoldcrap Posted January 22, 2008 Share Posted January 22, 2008 If there is no difference, then why not marriage? Marriage conveys a willingness to pronounce to your partner and the world that your intentions are to be together forever. At least that's the plan. Common-law is foisted upon you by the courts. Therein lies the difference. Willingness v. force. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted January 22, 2008 Share Posted January 22, 2008 If there is no difference, then why not marriage? That was my question, too... I know this thread has inevitably evolved into a discussion of "why marriage", but that's been done a lot, and I understand the points on both sides. The more interesting topic to me is oyster's and his girl's willingness to just give up their relationship on the basis of the technical marriage question. I hope oyster will come back and respond... Maybe I got the impression that it was farther along than it really is, based on the fact that he talked about having kids, but maybe their relationship wasn't that deep yet... Oyster, can you talk about how close you guys were, whether you had considered being committed life partners yet, and whether it was only this marriage question that immediately broke things up, or were you not that far along in the relationship anyway? Link to post Share on other sites
Tripper Posted January 22, 2008 Share Posted January 22, 2008 I do not believe marriage has anything to do with commitment, Huh??? Of course marriage is about commitment. But it doesn't mean it happens by itself. Commitment means you are committed to work at the marriage. Ya know?? stuff like compromise, trust, honesty.... the common values system you're supposed to have with your partner. Of course people cheat; that's happened since time immemorial. Partners in a common law relationship also cheat. Link to post Share on other sites
Author oyster Posted January 22, 2008 Author Share Posted January 22, 2008 The more interesting topic to me is oyster's and his girl's willingness to just give up their relationship on the basis of the technical marriage question. I hope oyster will come back and respond... Maybe I got the impression that it was farther along than it really is, based on the fact that he talked about having kids, but maybe their relationship wasn't that deep yet... Oyster, can you talk about how close you guys were, whether you had considered being committed life partners yet, and whether it was only this marriage question that immediately broke things up, or were you not that far along in the relationship anyway? It was because early on, I wanted to marry and expressed my intention to marrying her once she would be FREE. Now that I reflected on my friend's divorces and other relationships. She is mad that I "Lied" about wanting to marry her. For her it is time, she does not want to waste anymore time with me if I don't want to marry Link to post Share on other sites
sameoldcrap Posted January 22, 2008 Share Posted January 22, 2008 I answered your initial question. Do you see the difference? Link to post Share on other sites
Author oyster Posted January 22, 2008 Author Share Posted January 22, 2008 If there is no difference, then why not marriage? Marriage conveys a willingness to pronounce to your partner and the world that your intentions are to be together forever. At least that's the plan. Common-law is foisted upon you by the courts. Therein lies the difference. Willingness v. force. you do have a point there. might be because I have more assets than her? I might be afraid to lose more if things don't work out. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted January 22, 2008 Share Posted January 22, 2008 you do have a point there. might be because I have more assets than her? I might be afraid to lose more if things don't work out. Prenuptial agreements, baby! Google it. Link to post Share on other sites
allina Posted January 22, 2008 Share Posted January 22, 2008 Since I won't commit to marrying her once her divorce is final (actually 1 years later), it is over between us two. For me living together and making a kid is what I want. Marriage is just a piece of paper and a wedding is expensive. You're going to leave a 2 -3 year relationship over this? Or do you just not love her? Also in a relationship it's not all about what you want, her wants should be considered as well. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 22, 2008 Share Posted January 22, 2008 It was because early on, I wanted to marry and expressed my intention to marrying her once she would be FREE. Now that I reflected on my friend's divorces and other relationships. She is mad that I "Lied" about wanting to marry her. For her it is time, she does not want to waste anymore time with me if I don't want to marry Pre-nup! think about it... You love this woman and have been through alot with her, so if you are gun shy about marriage (because of your friends divorce and other relationships that didn't work out) then honestly, that's not an excuse NOT to marry her. Don't let fears of the unknown stop you from happiness. Get counselling to help you deal with those worry's and all the what if's. If she died tomorrow, would you regret not taking the chance of being with her? (Sorry that's a morbid question, but it IS something to think about.) And, who says you two HAVE to get married as soon as she's divorced? That's not a good idea for so many reasons.. Why not just enjoy life together as a couple and build upon that. Don't say no, but don't say yes quite yet to marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author oyster Posted January 22, 2008 Author Share Posted January 22, 2008 Pre-nup! think about it... You love this woman and have been through alot with her, so if you are gun shy about marriage (because of your friends divorce and other relationships that didn't work out) then honestly, that's not an excuse NOT to marry her. Don't let fears of the unknown stop you from happiness. Get counselling to help you deal with those worry's and all the what if's. If she died tomorrow, would you regret not taking the chance of being with her? (Sorry that's a morbid question, but it IS something to think about.) And, who says you two HAVE to get married as soon as she's divorced? That's not a good idea for so many reasons.. Why not just enjoy life together as a couple and build upon that. Don't say no, but don't say yes quite yet to marriage. she wants to heal 1year before re-marrying. may be I should read more on pre-nuptual I fear that once married, I will be locked at home like my other guy friends. Can't meet up with your buddy's for coffee/beer/late snack, controling who I can see or not. Link to post Share on other sites
allina Posted January 22, 2008 Share Posted January 22, 2008 I fear that once married, I will be locked at home like my other guy friends. Can't meet up with your buddy's for coffee/beer/late snack, controling who I can see or not. Do you love her or not? I'm sorry I just can't grasp this at all, you'd leave the relationship before discussing your fears? Why don't you talk to her about what you said above? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 22, 2008 Share Posted January 22, 2008 she wants to heal 1year before re-marrying. may be I should read more on pre-nuptual Then do some research on it. And, it's good she wants to take time before making a big committment again. She needs time to process and let go of her previous life as she knew it. I fear that once married, I will be locked at home like my other guy friends. Can't meet up with your buddy's for coffee/beer/late snack, controling who I can see or not All the more reason to be honest with her and let her know your fears. You know her, is she that type? Or are you worried that everytime you go out with the boys she's going to accuse you or worry that you're cheating on her because of what happened in the past? If so, TALK about it with her. You two might have some serious trust issues to work through, but if your love is strong enough and the desire is there to really want to be together, it will be fine. You can't NOT take the chance because you're afraid she might put the clamps on you and not let you out of the house... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 22, 2008 Share Posted January 22, 2008 You both should be EXCITED about this! It's what you wanted and now that she's almost free, you're having second thoughts, and all these fears, like now that it's REAL you're going to have to deal with the bad and ugly stuff as well. Real responsibility and not just fun and good times like it was in the affair..The affair was safe, where as now is the real test of how well you two can BE together, and build a life together too. Stop listening to your friends and focus on what is real to YOU in your heart. Freaky to say this, but I feel like I'm giving advice to Woggle...DO NOT WORRY about what is going on in other people's marriages/relationships because their situations are different than yours. Link to post Share on other sites
Author oyster Posted January 22, 2008 Author Share Posted January 22, 2008 Do you love her or not? I'm sorry I just can't grasp this at all, you'd leave the relationship before discussing your fears? Why don't you talk to her about what you said above? will do tonight Link to post Share on other sites
Author oyster Posted January 22, 2008 Author Share Posted January 22, 2008 You both should be EXCITED about this! It's what you wanted and now that she's almost free, you're having second thoughts, and all these fears, like now that it's REAL you're going to have to deal with the bad and ugly stuff as well. Real responsibility and not just fun and good times like it was in the affair..The affair was safe, where as now is the real test of how well you two can BE together, and build a life together too. Stop listening to your friends and focus on what is real to YOU in your heart. Freaky to say this, but I feel like I'm giving advice to Woggle...DO NOT WORRY about what is going on in other people's marriages/relationships because their situations are different than yours. Affair as the OM with an ex-MW:o Link to post Share on other sites
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