Why do you men/women do this?

[Leia]

I would get more answers here, probably coz this is the most frequented board...

 

I noticed recently (could be coz I haven't been here that long) that new threads on cheating, OW/OM or infidelity being posted here on Loveshack.

 

It got me thinking... for those who are "seeing" married people, isn't there any single man/woman for you to pursue? I can understand those who got into it not knowing that the married party is married but how about those who knew and still went for it? I'm really trying to understand from your point of view. I know it's not ok but I fail to understand the whole thing.

 

As for those who are cheating on their wives or husbands, why cheat with another married person? Coz it's easier? Safer? I think it's safer to go for a single guy or girl or am I wrong?

 

I read so often here that some stay for the kids but are you really? Or is that just some lame excuse?

 

My aunt was cheated on by her sorry excuse of a husband and ex-husband didn't even bother staying for the kids. So what's the difference? My aunt's ex-husband did not love her that much after all? Or his kids?

 

I don't condone anyone to cheat coz I saw what that did to my aunt. She was extremely hurt by it. She's happier than ever now, to be honest but I still don't think she can ever heal from the pain her ex-husband caused her.

[OWoman]

I'm really trying to understand from your point of view. I know it's not ok but I fail to understand the whole thing.

 

You will never understand from my (or perhaps other OW and OM's) point of you if you've entered into thinking about it with a closed mind on the matter. Given that, I'm not sure why an OW or OM would want to engage with you on this. I don't see any prospect of a meaningful exchange if you ask a question you've already decided you don't wish to hear the answer to.

 

Good luck.

[Leia]

I said it's not ok and that I fail to understand... but I would still like to know. I didn't make the clear. So far, I have people answering on the other board which was helpful. I suppose you couldn't answer.

 

Good luck to you.

[mzd]

I am not a regular visitor but I thought I would reply to this.

 

What with excessive work hours and responsiblities, friendship circles where you don't really meet anyone new, the higher female to male ratio population-wise, as well as extra-curricular commitments (gym, sports, study etc)...I lead a very full and happy life but I don't meet anyone new. Plus, I find these days people are quite lethargic, they don't ask you out really. People, particularly in cities, are quite snobby and afraid to mingle outside their social groups. It's also hard enough to meet someone you're attracted to and like, and vice versa.

 

I don't condone cheating - I personally have never cheated on a partner - but I do think relationships are a grey area. You never know how a relationship will pan out down the track. I know many people who have fallen in love outside a relationship and left their spouses for someone else. Some of these people are very very happy. Sometimes it doesn't work. Sometimes they realise they made a mistake and stay. Sometimes they're just serial cheats because they like it.

 

As a single woman in her late 20s I am continually hit on by married men and by men in long-term relationships. I don't flirt with these guys - they just do it. I remember one guy who was married trying to kiss me while I was trying to shove him off. During the same night another guy with a girlfriend was telling me he'd be kissing me if no-one else was on the scene. I hadn't even been suggestive with either of them, we'd been with a group of people and I was hugging the latter goodbye because I was leaving. Again, sometimes the guys are just all talk, sometimes they do it because of alcohol, sometimes they genuinely are interested. I'm a professional, I see it all the time through work, especially when you're away on business.

 

The only guy I got involved with who was in a relationship wasn't married/engaged but does have a long term de facto. He didn't tell me he had a partner until about 2-3 months into our flirtation, just before it was going to get physical. By that time I was too far gone really and wasn't thinking straight. I thought I could have a fling and get over it but it didn't work out like that. The only reason I thought I would have a fling was because we were really physically attracted to each other. Instead we had a bizarre thing for 9mths. I tried to break it off a couple of times, he kept telling me he was going to leave and we would start seeing each other. I thought and still do think he was genuinely confused about what he wanted relationship-wise and I do think he felt strongly about me. But at the end of the day I ended it because he wouldn't commit to leaving, simple as that.

 

We tried to be mature about it - he tried not to physically cheat on her, I tried to give him space so he could leave, get over her and choose whether or not he actually wanted to get into relationship with me so soon after her. But, honestly, in the end, I am the loser in this because I put myself in a situation to get hurt. We've had NC (which I initiated) for just over a month, but I have to reconcile the fact that he hasn't chased after me one little bit. Thus, he can live without me but he isn't prepared to live without her.

 

Also - I'll never ever know if he was honest with me about anything. And to be honest, I don't know if want to know if he was.

[nextel]

The answer to your question is:

 

people make decisions based on their choices.

[norajane]

Leia, I went to my company's annual conference last week, an industry dominated by men, most of them married. Here is a sample of the kinds of things I experienced with these married men, all of whom I know somewhat although none closely:

 

A, clever and charming, takes his wedding ring off after 5pm. And who found a private moment to tell me he had been thinking about me ever since we had all been out together the night before.

 

B, tall and generally quite reserved, who told me I was hot while were at an awards dinner one night.

 

C, an all around good guy, who found a moment following a business discussion, to tell me he really liked my outfit that day (and believe me, I was dressed for business throughout this entire conference, nothing revealing or suggestive, nothing).

 

D, cute and always extremely flirtatious, who made a point of telling me he was about to get a divorce, didn’t wear a ring anymore, and could he flirt with me now? And who confided that he and his wife are opposites…and never the twain shall meet…and he only got married back when all his friends were getting married and she was there….

 

E, the gentleman who offered me money to take off another gentleman’s tie. I declined.

 

F, the gentleman who would have let me take off his tie. And who at least had enough sense to ask me the next day if I was upset with them, because I left shortly after…

 

G, a bit of an angelic Matthew McConnaghey lookalike, who, during a coffee break, told me I was hot and asked why didn't we ever meet for drinks since we both live in the city...?

 

E, who told me I smelled really, really good. He loved my perfume and specifically came over to where I was standing to tell me more than a couple of times...(Vera Wang).

 

Some of these men said these things while they were drinking, and some were completely sober in the bright light of day. If any of them had been someone I felt a bond with, or if I'd had enough to drink to have my head turned, they certainly gave me the openings to start something with them.

 

That's often how these affairs start - there's a flirtatious comment made, and it escalates from there with BOTH people participating in the escalation. What it turns into can be an emotional affair, a physical affair, both, or a hook-up, depending on the people involved.

 

I don't believe these guys are evil, or even that they're unhappy at home. I think they're guys, and guys respond to women, and making their wedding vows doesn't necessarily mean they stop looking and stop flirting.

 

Keep in mind there were many more married men there and they weren't flirting with women! So, it's not ALL men who leave themselves open to straying. But when there is cheating, it always starts with the married person being open to it in the first place, and an OW/OM being open to that particular person.

[quankanne]

my guess is that it's all tied into emotions, and once it gets to a certain point, there's a vested interest in keeping the relationship, "right or wrong." Because it's hard to walk away when your heart is involved whether the relationship is on the up and up, or the other person is just wrong for you, or if it's a lovers' triangle …

[Leia]

You must be one hot chica!

 

See, MM flirt all the time. Most of them anyway but you said no to them. Was it hard to do so?

 

Why is it hard for some of these women? That is what I want to know... but they aren't answering my questions... maybe they just can't.

[Leia]

 

 

The only guy I got involved with who was in a relationship wasn't married/engaged but does have a long term de facto. He didn't tell me he had a partner until about 2-3 months into our flirtation, just before it was going to get physical. By that time I was too far gone really and wasn't thinking straight. I thought I could have a fling and get over it but it didn't work out like that. The only reason I thought I would have a fling was because we were really physically attracted to each other. Instead we had a bizarre thing for 9mths. I tried to break it off a couple of times, he kept telling me he was going to leave and we would start seeing each other. I thought and still do think he was genuinely confused about what he wanted relationship-wise and I do think he felt strongly about me. But at the end of the day I ended it because he wouldn't commit to leaving, simple as that.

 

So you ended it after numerous times he said he'd leave? What do you mean, "too far gone"?

 

I get hit on by attached/married men lots of times... even when I am just out having breakfast/coffee and even my lecturers! A few MM I came across with, I didn't know they were.... but when I found out, I ended it. I fell in love with one and after few months I found out he is married, I left. It was hard but I left anyway because... he's MARRIED.

 

I'm trying to understand why some still stay despite knowing the men are committed to their wives/live in girlfriends.

[Carpetrider]

A marriage, in my humble view, is a social construct. You can't piegon hole all those wandering willies. People are not uniform. If they are, things would be boring. If everyone are the same and stay committed then divorce lawyers would be out of work. Do you wish everyone to be the same? A heartless thought--all those unemployed lawyers.

[norajane]

You must be one hot chica!

 

See, MM flirt all the time. Most of them anyway but you said no to them. Was it hard to do so?

 

Why is it hard for some of these women? That is what I want to know... but they aren't answering my questions... maybe they just can't.

 

I am an average 40 year old woman, nice to look at but hardly the stuff of fantasy!

 

In some sense, it wasn't hard to say no. But I've been around the block enough to know I should step back if they don't. There's a difference between harmless flirtation and flirtation with intent, and when they cross the line, I know I need to protect my emotions and not let it escalate.

 

In another sense, it was hard to say no. These are all intelligent, successful, and generally good-looking guys who dress well and they're in sales. Charming goes with the territory. Add some flattery and comraderie and it's not a stretch to imagine wanting to get to know them better.

 

If I had already known them well because we had worked on a project together or something, and if we had already developed a closer relationship, it would have been even harder to say no. And if we had worked together very closely and had already developed a warm, friendly, teasing relationship with chemistry on top of that...

 

People are human, and they are susceptible to a person who is highly compelling to them for some reason. But we all have the power to choose to step back and not to ACT on any interest. It's best to stop these things in their tracks early on - it's much easier than trying to end it once your emotions are involved.

[Leia]

People are human, and they are susceptible to a person who is highly compelling to them for some reason. But we all have the power to choose to step back and not to ACT on any interest. It's best to stop these things in their tracks early on - it's much easier than trying to end it once your emotions are involved.

 

Thanks for your input.

 

That I totally agree with!!!

[mzd]

So you ended it after numerous times he said he'd leave? What do you mean, "too far gone"?

 

I told him a couple of times that we were going nowhere, that I was frustrated with it all and wanted to stop it or just be friends. He, in response, told me he'd leave her.

 

Too far gone - I had very much liked him, but it was still new so I didn't know where it was going. When I found out he was attached I got a real shock. Didn't think I could ever be so stupid as to get involved in a situation like that and there was no way I would ever allow myself to get in a relationship with a cheater! But I was still extremely physically attracted to him and thought I could get him out of my system with a fling. Wrong idea. The whole relationship - which lasted all up around 9 months - was complicated but suffice to say, I ended up talking to him regularly and not being that physically intimate with him, and realised we were actually very similar. He was easy to talk to and he listened to me. So gradually, I fell hard for him. And that's why I broke it off. Plus he wasn't married (not that that makes it any better but there's less ties) and I really did think he was going to leave.

 

I don't know how old you are, but I'm guessing college age. Please don't take this as me being condescending at all but I've found it much much harder to meet men at this age than at college and single women - even those with the best of intentions - get tempted and make stupid mistakes, like married men. I wish I had walked away earlier now but I have to admit I've learnt a lot about the bad and good in relationships from this.

[Leia]

Too far gone - I had very much liked him, but it was still new so I didn't know where it was going. When I found out he was attached I got a real shock. Didn't think I could ever be so stupid as to get involved in a situation like that and there was no way I would ever allow myself to get in a relationship with a cheater! But I was still extremely physically attracted to him and thought I could get him out of my system with a fling. Wrong idea. The whole relationship - which lasted all up around 9 months - was complicated but suffice to say, I ended up talking to him regularly and not being that physically intimate with him, and realised we were actually very similar. He was easy to talk to and he listened to me. So gradually, I fell hard for him. And that's why I broke it off. Plus he wasn't married (not that that makes it any better but there's less ties) and I really did think he was going to leave.

 

I don't know how old you are, but I'm guessing college age. Please don't take this as me being condescending at all but I've found it much much harder to meet men at this age than at college and single women - even those with the best of intentions - get tempted and make stupid mistakes, like married men. I wish I had walked away earlier now but I have to admit I've learnt a lot about the bad and good in relationships from this.

 

I can imagine the shock. Been there and you just feel this sickness in your stomach. That sick feeling was what made me let him go.

 

At least, that was a learning experience for you. Thanks for sharing your experience. That was what I was looking for but somehow some people on here don't get that... they just feel the need to justify what they are doing is right.

 

I know how hard it is to find men even at my age, trust me. I may look young but NOT that young.

[Green]

I would leave a woman for sure if I found out or thought she was cheating on me.

[Leia]

You would? Why? Are you that strong?

 

Apparently there are people out there who are not strong enough to leave.

[Green]

The strongest. But I've seen the worst case scenarios of what can happen when you have a partner that just doesn't care, and the results should make you fear the reaper

[Kelebek]

Hi.

 

I find your question kind of amusing, because it suggests that some (or all) of us "other women/men" CHOOSE to be in this situation.

 

I certainly didn't, in fact, sitting here now almost 3 months after it began, I still can't believe I'm in such a rubbish situation.

 

Haven't you ever heard anyone say that "you can't help who you fall for"?

 

I knew that P had a girlfriend, but I also knew he wasn't happy with her. (He's not married & has no kids - I wouldn't go near a situation like that) When I began flirting with him, it WASN'T with the intention of being with him and stealing him away from someone...it was simply intended as innocent flirting, because I assumed that as he was a taken man, it wouldn't go anywhere, and we could have a laugh together.

 

But then he kissed me, just a tiny kiss but it made me realise just how much I liked him. Since then I have fallen head over heels - I'm TRYING to stop myself but obviously it's impossible.

 

I'm sure there are plenty of gorgeous single men out there, but I've fallen for someone and therefore I don't want anyone else, single, married, gorgeous or not. I'm just not interested.

 

*Sigh* - I was really hoping to try and give you a good answer to your question, as it's something I used to wonder before I met P. My own family was torn apart with cheating, and I know how devastating it is. That's why I can't believe I'm in this situation

 

But I just can't seem to explain. I would never have chosen this, and of course I'd love to fall for someone single, at the right time, the right place...but that isn't life, is it? If only it was, everything would be incredibly easy lol...doesn't ever happen that way though! Expecting it to is rather childish really. People fall in love at the wrong time, it happens, we're human. There's your answer I guess, we're only human!!!

Edited January 23, 2008 by Kelebek

[Meranna]

That was what I was looking for but somehow some people on here don't get that... they just feel the need to justify what they are doing is right.

 

And this is why you won't get many to comment here, most of these women aren't trying to "justify" their affairs, they are hurt and struggling and when someone comes onto the boards with questions like this it just makes them feel worse.

 

You don't walk into an AA meeting expecting alcoholics to "justify" why they drink, you respect the fact that they are there for emotional support and help in the situation they are in. This doesn't pertain to everyone on this board but the majority of them it does.

 

However, I'll share my story with you since you asked. I was in a very emotionally and abusive marriage. We were HS sweethearts and he was my first boyfriend, I honestly didn't know any better. We had two children together and I stayed for many years more than I should have because I didn't want to hurt my kids. I was very naive to say the least and my self esteem was completely shot. I even stayed through two affairs that he had. I thought that I was the problem, that I was doing something wrong, not him.

 

I met a man at work, he liked me for who I was and we became friends, completely innocent at first. Both our marriages were rocky and we leaned on each other for support, getting each other's viewpoints on how we could fix what was wrong in our relationships. We had both even suggested marriage counciling to each other, etc. After a while it just became more than a friendship. He made me feel good about myself and that I could be interesting to men for who I was, that I was smart and beautiful, inside and out. Yes, there were plenty of single men around, but none of them cared about me for ME, it was all about how I looked and they only had one thing on their minds.

 

I did leave my husband, MM gave me the strength and confidence to do that and I thank god for him every day. He on the other hand has not left his marriage, he stays because he wants to be with his kids on a daily basis. I'm not trying to justify our relationship, I hated and despised women like me before my relationship with my MM happened, and like you, I swore up and down I would never be the OW Sometimes you can't control what your heart wants. He doesn't keep me here, I stay because I love him.

[kchiapet95]

Meranna...you said it better than I ever could. That is exactly what I wanted to say, but I couldn't find the words.

[Leia]

I find your question kind of amusing, because it suggests that some (or all) of us "other women/men" CHOOSE to be in this situation.

 

Some do actually, it's easier for them.

 

Haven't you ever heard anyone say that "you can't help who you fall for"?

 

I have heard of it and I have been there several times, I chose to get out of it once I know the guy is married. It hurt me alot coz I was really in love with him but no way, he is married and I don't think he has it in him to divorce his W. Not only that, if he could do that to the W, he could do that to me too.

 

I'm sure there are plenty of gorgeous single men out there, but I've fallen for someone and therefore I don't want anyone else, single, married, gorgeous or not. I'm just not interested.

 

Yip, there are plenty of single guys out there. Gorgeous or not, they are single and willing to love you to the fullest. That's what I want and it's a pity that some women or men don't go for that. They settle for less when they KNOW they CAN have more.

 

*Sigh* - I was really hoping to try and give you a good answer to your question, as it's something I used to wonder before I met P. My own family was torn apart with cheating, and I know how devastating it is. That's why I can't believe I'm in this situation

 

But I just can't seem to explain. I would never have chosen this, and of course I'd love to fall for someone single, at the right time, the right place...but that isn't life, is it? If only it was, everything would be incredibly easy lol...doesn't ever happen that way though! Expecting it to is rather childish really. People fall in love at the wrong time, it happens, we're human. There's your answer I guess, we're only human!!!

 

Thanks for your time and input. At least, you have the decency to say in a nice way. Unlike certain people.

 

You see, OW like you I can have decent conversation with coz even with you doing the wrong thing, you admit to it and you know your situation sucks. I am sorry that you're in this situation and I do hope you'll get something really good out of it in the end, I really do.

 

Life is easy, I can tell you that. It's just that some people make it hard to live...

[Leia]

I met a man at work, he liked me for who I was and we became friends, completely innocent at first. Both our marriages were rocky and we leaned on each other for support, getting each other's viewpoints on how we could fix what was wrong in our relationships. We had both even suggested marriage counciling to each other, etc. After a while it just became more than a friendship. He made me feel good about myself and that I could be interesting to men for who I was, that I was smart and beautiful, inside and out. Yes, there were plenty of single men around, but none of them cared about me for ME, it was all about how I looked and they only had one thing on their minds.

 

I did leave my husband, MM gave me the strength and confidence to do that and I thank god for him every day. He on the other hand has not left his marriage, he stays because he wants to be with his kids on a daily basis. I'm not trying to justify our relationship, I hated and despised women like me before my relationship with my MM happened, and like you, I swore up and down I would never be the OW Sometimes you can't control what your heart wants. He doesn't keep me here, I stay because I love him.

 

You left your H and MM is still with his W coz of the kids? You do know that he can still see the kids even if they get a divorce? My aunt's exH sure didn't have that problem!

 

I didn't swear up and down but I do know what I want in life. I have seen what cheating did and still does to my aunt and a few other friends. My cousin who just recently got married, his W is seeing someone else. She doesn't know that yet but she will soon find out that everyone will know. My cousin is getting out of the M.... so again, why is it easy for some people? My cousin loves his W alot.... they've been together for 5 years before they got married and yet, he is leaving her.

 

By the way, did you know that 'meranna' is suffer in another language? If I'm not mistaken it is spelled 'merana'.

[Pyro]

- I'm TRYING to stop myself but obviously it's impossible.

 

Nothing in this world is impossible. Some things are just more difficult then others to accomplish.

 

You have to truly want it and you must have the will power to walk away.

 

It is possible if you truly want it.

[Kelebek]

Thank you

 

It is good to talk to someone who understands. Believe me, I am really trying to rein in my feelings, and I think it has worked every so slightly. Although I guess that will all go out of the window when I'm next with him.

 

I freely admit that the situation sucks. I'm miserable a lot of the time except when I'm with him. I fooled myself into believing it could just be a bit of fun, and that I could prevent myself from falling...but that's probably the most stupid thing I could've thought.

 

I agree with you though, if marriage and/or kids were involved, I wouldn't even have to TRY and get out of the situation, because it would put me off completely. I would definitely get out if that were the case - it happened to my parents and I would never do that to someone.

 

I'm not a weak woman, I know that I could walk out if I really wanted, and I will do so if I see the situation become increasingly hopeless. But I genuinely don't want to lose him, and therefore I suppose you could say that while I certainly didn't choose to be in this situation, I HAVE however chosen to stay in it.

 

So I suppose if I get hurt, it's definitely at least partly my fault - I know what I'm getting into and I'm still putting up with it, because I'm falling for him, and to me, that's worth it.

 

As I've said before, he's not married. For reasons which I shouldn't write on here, I know that eventually he WILL leave his girlfriend, as they are together in "name" only. Whether or not he'll have anything to do with me at that stage is another matter, I don't know. I don't want to be a catalyst for him leaving her - I know it'll happen eventually and I'd rather that it happened on its own, with nothing to do with me.

 

So I suppose my situation is slightly different from other folk, but not much.

 

I know I can have more, but it's difficult to really believe that when you're with this person and have never been happier in your entire life...it's all worth it just for the time that I'm with him...I can't help it.

 

I've been hurt before, so I know when enough is enough, but at the moment I feel in control enough to go with it and see where it takes me Like Isaid, I've lost before, and I've come through it so I know I can do it again if I have to.

 

Gotta take some risks in love, it isn't all easy!

 

Thanks for being so nice

[Kelebek]

Thanks Riddler - I do know that's true. I guess it's just impossible for me to WANT to