I dont have the ability to love .... but ...

[Insane]

I am 17 years old. I am a senior in high school. I grew up on the streets of baltimore city. I used to stand on the corner of Poplar and Mculloh sipping olde english with pockets full of cocaine bagged up and ready for sale. I was a member of a gang. I was a member of the Original Harlem Rolling 30's Crip's. I was beaten and abused as a child. My uncle beat me and neglected me. This is what led to me becoming a gang member, and me selling cocaine starting at the age of 11. I have beaten and robbed many people, i have even killed someone. I was the perfect gang member. When i was highed up on marijuana and coke I was a monster. When i was highed up i could pull the trigger on anyone, i could fight anyone. As soon i sobered up i became a coward. I was scared.

 

My mother won custody of me at 16 years old. I have Bipolar disorder, which explains my rage fits that i dont remember. My brain is ****ed up because i am bipolar and through substance abuse.

 

I sell marijuana and cocaine. I also abuse marijuana and cocaine. I have fully come to terms with my addiction. I am an addict. By abusing drug's, i am harming my body. It is obvious i do not love my body by harming and abusing it. If i do not love myself, how can i love someone else? I will constantly harm those that love me until i make a decision to change. I am addicted to Money, Power , Marijuana and Cocaine.

 

Having explained this i thought I would also say that I have had sex with 7 girls my whole life. I did not kiss or go on a date with any of them. Sex was just given to me because I was a gang member, or some girls were too drunk to refuse. SO i have had sex, but i did not really work for it. It was given to me.

 

Now i live in the suburb's, I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder. This explains my rage fit's and blackout i used to have. This girl who sits next to me in one of my classes likes me too. I dont know what I can say to her. Telling girls I deal drug's, was a gang member, and have Bipolar disorder isnt exactly the most attractive thing to say.

 

Her name is Amena, she is arab and spanish. I dont know how the hell i got such an attractive girl to look my way. I dont know what to do or say. I have smoked marijuana with her a few time's and gove to the movies with her once or twice. She sits right next to me in my Web Design class which is where i met her. Everytime when we finish chilling she will give me a kiss on the cheek, but yesterday night she was going to really kiss me..but i have never kissed a girl before i didnt know what to do. I moved my head and i kissed her on her forehead. I dont know if she took it as an insult or not, but after that its been a day now i havnt heard from her.

 

I know she likes me, because she always IM's me saying 'Hey cutie!' and whenever i get new myspace photos up she is the first to comment. Back when she used to have a cell phone she would call me every day. I care about her but i do not feel i can love her. I want her, but i just dont know what to do im inexperienced at talking to girl's because back in baltimore i didnt really have to.

 

I have been lying to her and all of my peer's. I have been telling everyone i came from the suburbs of chicago. I am embarrased to tell her and others about my past. What should i do?