Can't get over husband's past friendship

[angie2443]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]When I first met my husband, he had a female best friend. I wasn’t aware that she was his best friend until a few months into our relationship. I don’t think this is something he kept from me, just something that didn’t come up. She was married (she met my husband at the office where they worked, 3 days after her wedding).[/sIZE][/FONT]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]At first I thought it was a good that my then boyfriend had close friends of the opposite sex. I felt it meant that he saw women as more than just potential relationship/sex partners. Then, I began to see things in their relationship that made me uncomfortable. I’ll list some of these so it is easier to read. [/FONT][/sIZE]

[FONT=Calibri][FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]1.[/sIZE][/FONT] [/FONT][sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri] When I would come home to our apartment (we have since moved) and she would be there, I always had the sense that I was the odd one out. She wouldn’t look at me much, they wouldn’t say much. I can’t put my finger on it, but it felt like when you walk into a room with two people talking and they suddenly stop. I just brushed my feelings aside and told myself that she was just uncomfortable around me.[/FONT][/sIZE]

[FONT=Calibri][FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]2.[/sIZE][/FONT] [/FONT][FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]My husband would joke every so often that he and his friend were going to run off together and “get it on”. I laughed, I guess to show that the jokes didn’t bother me. Her husband seemed to purposely ignore it. It just felt odd.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Calibri][FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]3.[/sIZE][/FONT] [/FONT][FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]My husband and this woman shared intimant details about ourr sex lives. She now knows somethings about me that I considered so private that I didn’t even tell my family or best friend. I have not gotten over this.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Calibri][FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]4.[/sIZE][/FONT] [/FONT][sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]When we went through a rough patch a few years ago (we had three kids back to back. We experienced a lot of stress) and our fights became very bad, he shared every detail with her. [/FONT][/sIZE]

[FONT=Calibri][FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]5.[/sIZE][/FONT] [/FONT][sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri] Many of her male friends, married and single, who knew she was married, made sexual advances towards her and she always shared this with my husband. I began to sence that she was sending signals to these men that she disrespected her marriage and that she enjoyed the sexual advances. I felt uncomfortable that she was so enthusiastic in sharing these advances with my husband.[/FONT][/sIZE]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]I have a whole laundry list of issues with this friendship. When I first starting telling my husband that I was uncomfortable with certain things, I was being as considerate about their feelings as possible. I wasn’t trying to have them end the friendship, but just wanted my husband to understand that some of these things that were going on were hurting me. He defended her and himself saying that they were just friends and that I was being jelous and insecure. The fights became so intence that he ended the friendship. This was about a year and some months ago. Four months ago, it came out in mc (we had this and other issues to resolve) that he was resentful about ending the friendship. He had previously told me that he was over the friendship and that my sense that he still had feelings for her were wrong.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]We’re actually doing really good for the most part. I can’t seem to get past certain things though. When my husband told me I was jelous and insecure, I tried to believe him. I began to distrust my feelings and my instincts. So many things told me that they were more than “just friends”(I know they weren’t sexually involved but something was going on) but they both kept telling me otherwise. I felt like I was going crazy. Sometimes when I’m feeling low, I wonder, “was it all in my head?”. Was this a harmless friendship?.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]Please, if anyone can help me sort this out, please try.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]Thanks.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]

[angie2443]

Sorry about the confusing thread. I coppied and pasted it from microsoft word and didn't realize it would come out so goofy:)

[quankanne]

I've got a couple of close male friends that I made long before I met my husband, but there's an understood agreement that we don't discuss certain issues about our respective relationships, and we do our best to include our partners in what's going on, even though I usually end up spending time with them alone and everyone's cool with it. But I think my husband sees them as members of my extended family, as does one friend's wife (the other is single, so his partners come and go).

 

so what you say about your husband discussing private issues with his friend is very uncomfortable even to me, and I'm totally open to opposite-sex friendships! Because there's a line that's meant to be respected and it sounds like neither one of them has done that. And the whole ignoring you bit sounds like a huge red flag, because it's been my experience that people who don't have anything to hide are going to do their best to be welcoming of the person their friend has decided to make a life with.

 

from the sound of things, no I don't think you've dreamed this up … they seem to have a relationship that's more than friends but not quite lovers, and that's a hard one to reconcile with because there are no clear-cut boundaries between them, so what may seem "harmless" to them actually crosses the line in reality.

[angie2443]

Thanks for the reply. I think you are right in saying that they were more than friends but not quite lovers. I think this is why I'm having such a hard time coming to terms with this. If their relationship had become physical in some way, then at least I would have had proof, not just for everyone else but for myself also, that this relationship was disrespectful to me and damaging to mine and my husband's relationship. Right now, all I have is a lot of confusion.

[MakeLemonade]

I agree, it is inappropriate to discuss highly intimate details of a committed relationship w/ an outside party of any kind (unless it is a therapy-type situation), especially if they are intimacy issues, problems in the bedroom, etc. I cringed reading your post, thinking of how I would feel if the situation were reversed. I would also agree that there is a relationship beyond just "friendship" here. Not an affair, maybe, but something dangling treacherously close to an EA.

 

Trust your instincts and don't let your husband negate your feelings, you have a right to feel them.

 

What to do....this is a very tough situation, especially because this has been going on since before you even met your husband. And you married him knowing he had this great female friend he confided in and such.

 

I would just try to calmly discuss it with him, talking about things openly and honestly can solve alot of problems in a marriage, if he continues to negate and discount your feelings on the subject, I would suggest you ask him to go to counseling with you maybe? He needs to understand that the lack of boundaries he has with this woman is hurting you, embarassing you in some cases, and certainly making you uncomfortable on a regular basis. If he isn't willing to respect you enough as a partner, friend and mother of his 3 children to try to back off a bit from the intimate details and "alone" time the two of them share, then you really need to evaluate whether that is who you want to spend the rest of your life with. If he says unequivocally NO, she is my BFF and I will tell her every thing I want to tell her, and I will spend time with her alone if I want to - can you live with that? Forever?

 

You may want to do a little checking, see if there are any emails or texts that would imply something more than friends. I know your mind must be so confused and going in a million directions all the time wondering what the heck is the deal with this woman and your husbands NEED to confide in and be BF w/ her. It might help put your mind at ease OR give you more confidence to discuss this with him and be strong enough to insist that something must change for the sake of your marriage.

 

I really am on the fence about snooping emails and texts. In a dating relationship NO, in a marriage - I think if you have just cause, you should be able to do the search. Sometimes it is the only way you will ever find out that someone is doing things they shouldn't do and frankly, you, as his wife, have a right to know. You have a vested interest in him staying faithful to his family and your checking things out for your peace of mind is protecting that investment. I know some people will disagree with me, and say you shouldn't but hopefully, he would let you see it if you asked at a moment's notice. One positive thing I noticed is that despite everything else, he is seemingly honest with you about all of this, at least to a certain point, so that is a plus.

 

I wish you the best.

[Florida]

Angie, the issue now is something different than it was then because he is no longer friends with her.

 

To confirm your feelings, YES that was really messed up of him, it shows his boundaries and values and respect to you/marriage are very loose.

 

Here is my list of when an opposite sex friendship is intolerable:

-going alone to meet eachother when one or both are in a relationship to:

eachother's houses, for drinks,dinner, movie, vacations, overnight stays. Just the 2 of them.

-Sharing intimate details of your relationship with them

-And this one is very important: sexual joking.

 

Your husband crossed the line BIG time when he made a joke about running off with her and getting it on together. WHAT??? I would have flipped out. It would have been bad enough if SHE said it, but your husband is the cuplrit here too.

 

And now today, to see he is bitter over having had to cut her out of his life for you is salt in the wound.

 

I don't really have clear advice since this all happened in the past. I can only tell you that you were right, and it worries me that he was trying to convince you otherwise for his own motives. His *jokes* towards her reveal a lot, and they were smoke signals to let her know how he really felt.

[Florida]

He defended her and himself saying that they were just friends and that I was being jelous and insecure. The fights became so intence that he ended the friendship. This was about a year and some months ago. Four months ago, it came out in mc (we had this and other issues to resolve) that he was resentful about ending the friendship. He had previously told me that he was over the friendship and that my sense that he still had feelings for her were wrong.

He is over the friendship yet resents you for making him end it?

 

We’re actually doing really good for the most part. I can’t seem to get past certain things though. When my husband told me I was jelous and insecure, I tried to believe him. I began to distrust my feelings and my instincts. So many things told me that they were more than “just friends”(I know they weren’t sexually involved but something was going on) but they both kept telling me otherwise. I felt like I was going crazy. Sometimes when I’m feeling low, I wonder, “was it all in my head?”. Was this a harmless friendship?.

 

You both can't do well until he admits to you what was really going on, emotionally. Sorry, he can't just ruin your bond and then dump it on you to get over it. If he can't make you feel better, I would consider leaving him as that was huge betrayal, even if he refuses to admit it does not make it less so.

 

And underminig your own feelings to accept his issues will lead to mental illness for you, you've got to believe in yourself first or no one else will when you present your case.