9 Year Crush!

[9yrcrush]

I am happy in a wonderful relationship with a woman for three years. We’ve lived together for two and practically stayed together every night for the first year anyway. I like her siblings and parents, they really like me. My siblings and parents really like her. All is good. I am 31, she is 31. We really are truly happy and treat each other very well. We enjoy each other. We’re in love, etc. etc.

 

A woman in my community and I have been ‘sniffing each other out’ for about nine years, going back before my sweetie and I met. She is about 10 years older than me. When we met, I was in my twenties. I was the receptionist at an organization where she often attended meetings, but she hardly noticed me, until I was an artist featured at an event she attended. I did a good job and it was a lot of fun. We talked all night, finding each other interesting and having a lot in common. She had a lot of red wine and we talked some more (note: we didn’t leave the event). It ended with a delightfully sloppy kiss on my cheek that I’ve replayed in my mind many times ever since. When she was single….I was in a relationship, when I became single again….she appeared to be dating seriously. It has always gone like that. Then she decided to become pregnant and raise the child on her own, and I thought, well that settles that, her child will grow up, she’ll find someone closer to her age who wants children and we won’t wind up dating. OR, on the other hand maybe 15 years from now we’ll both find ourselves single, her child will be high school age and maybe we’ll give it a go…that wouldn’t be bad. Either way, I’m in a serious relationship and she’s got her own life so that’s that. Time will tell and I’m not rocking any boats.

 

But we’ve continued to run into each other a couple times a year every year now for almost a decade….

 

Last summer I saw her at my local farmer’s market. I work at a theatre that does plays for families. For a few years I ran front of house and helped school kids get off of their busses and into our theatre. Her daughter recognized me as ‘that person who works at the theatre’. When I heard my name and looked up to see them smiling and waving me over it was like bells ringing. We could have talked for hours, but after a few minutes I was a little uncomfortable with our conversation. I should also clarify that when I see her I get completely nervous. She began asking me what projects I was busy with. We began to compare notes on mutual friends we might have. While it was very innocent, respectful, polite, not flirty, we were genuinely interested in trying to get to know each other, and it’s impossible to hide that when we see each other our faces flush and we grin like fools and are always trying to put our best foot forward….In this case I sort of clumsily cut the conversation short and hi-tailed it out of there to resume my shopping. Luckily, I had been bicycling that morning and was sweaty and a little messy so I kind of hid under the guise of that and ran off. It didn’t feel right, I love my sweetie, we are true to each other, and it was clear that there is chemistry between this woman and me that is probably best avoided, under the circumstances.[FONT=Arial][/FONT]

 

Fast forward six months to last Friday: This year, she has subscribed to weekend shows at the theatre with her daughter. There is a third subscription ticket, which I’m pretty sure is for someone who is her lover. (btw I didn’t know she had a ticket subscription until Friday) I didn’t see them come in, but at one point I looked up to see her w/her daughter standing in the lobby staring at me, like zoning_out with her eyes on me, which I don’t think she realized until it was too late - she was like a deer caught in headlights when I noticed her. I smiled and motioned her over. We immediately began chatting famously as usual….she got a new job, a friend of mine works there too, she asked me about my job & promotion, I asked if she is still making art she basically said not as often …I don’t know if it’s just my crush but I felt like our conversation was quickly establishing intimacy between us. RED FLAG: When her lover arrived, our conversation ended. When her partner walked up to us, without even saying hello, she awkwardly pointed away from where I was standing and said “Look our friends that we sometimes have dinner with are over THERE, did you see?” I think it was a little obvious. She didn’t introduce me. And our conversation ending was also my doing, too because JUST THEN My sweetie also arrived and I awkwardly tried to put myself in a position where we could end our conversation without having to introduce who we were there with. So she swept her family off and I swept my sweetie away. We didn’t flirt at all or speak for the rest of the evening…but I think we were both acutely aware of where the other person was in the building. I saw her looking at me at intermission, and I was watching her applaud at the end of the play. I knew I could catch her eye when I headed upstairs to get my coat and hat, and I saw her out of the corner of my eye, on the other side of the lobby, put on her winter hat, watching me before she left.[FONT=Arial][/FONT]

 

THE CLINCHER: Before we whisked ourselves off, in opposite directions, with our significant others in tow - we exchanged business cards. Innocent enough, I said “not to be cheesy but here is my card so you can keep me informed of what you’ve got going on” and she said “ok and I’ll give you one of mine, too.” How do I manage to keep in touch on a friendly level without getting carried away? I find myself daydreaming about inviting her to a simple lunch near her work, so we can be alone to talk and get to know each other for more than 10 minutes. But that wouldn’t be right would it….because it wouldn’t just be lunch…it’s lunch between two people who have been very aware of each other for the past 8 or 9 years. It’s not just lunch when I’m having sexual fantasies about her. Not just lunch when her face flushes when I smile her way, no matter that we don’t openly ‘flirt’. I also think that this crush we share has all been so very civilized that it’s made it extra HOT.

 

Again, I’m very happy with my girlfriend, and I’m expecting these feelings to blow over…but the thing is I’ve been letting these feelings for this woman blow over for almost a decade now, and I wonder if there is something there that needs to be explored. I’m already looking forward to seeing her at the theatre in March, when we have our next play and I feel so guilty about that. One possible strategy that I am allowing myself is to just make sure I look nice and simply hang in the background and stay occupied, not seek out a conversation. If we can never be single at the same time, at least she’ll remember me looking good these nights out, right? I’d welcome friendship eagerly; the problem is there’s also chemistry that can’t be avoided. Do I blow her off and avoid her like the plague in order to be respectful of my relationship with my sweetie? Do I set a lunch date and take a cold shower, because we’re both professionals and this could be a fabulous, lasting friendship? Maybe, if we get to know each other, the fantasy will subside and this attraction will simply peter out. Or maybe, I’d be making a poor choice and opening the door to a big ugly mess. It frustrates me that I keep missing this wonderful woman, but then I think…if it’s meant to be…maybe we’ll find each other later in life. If in twenty years from now, if she’s 61 and I’m 51 well good…maybe I can be there to rub her arthritic hands. Then again life is short. And ten years of attraction is no joke. I don’t know how to proceed with this, if at all.

Edited January 23, 2008 by 9yrcrush
tech crapola

[StartingOver07]

9 - If you pursue this woman, break up with your gf first and recognize that you could end up with neither.

 

the problem with a crush is that they tend to be less about who the other perseon actually is and more about what we project onto that person. Although it may feel that you too have had deep and meaningful conversations, there is still much you do not know.

 

This is not to say that you should not explore it, but just that you should be quite certain that you no longer want the r/s you have with your gf, as there is no ethical way to explore your crush and maintain your r/s with your gf.

 

You should also consider if you have not already, that someone you see infrequently is bound to be more exciting/mysterious/etc., than the gf you wake up next to 24/7/365. Only you can determine whether this is an indication of something missing from your r/s with your gf or if it is just a natural thing to occur. Just because we settle down with one person does not mean we will not be attracted to others. It's what we do with that attraction that tells the tale...

[Florida]

9 years is a long time to have a crush.

I can honestly say I CAN'T relate, it sounds unimagineable. Which is why I think you need to pursue this with her.

 

That you keep mentioning holding her hand and growing old is serious.

And then your GF gets the "She is nice blah blah nice family blah blah"

snooze

 

I suggest you go for the 9 year crush.

 

Please whatever you do, don't start having "professional" lunch get togethers.

 

Either jump in head first by breaking up with your current beau and then go for her or avoid her at all costs if you stay with you GF. Which i think would be a mistake. To stay with your GF based on your lukewarm responses about her.

 

Follow your heart, just do it right by BREAKING UP with your current GF first.

[9yrcrush]

Hey Florida and Starting Over 07

Thanks much. You both make a lot of great points.

The fire is still burning w/me & my gf...in a big way believe it or not....though it sure doesn't sound like it here because I'm temporarily fixated on the encounter of Ms. "grass might be greener"-pants last friday. Thanks for reminding me that I can still enjoy a healthy race in pulse for someone else...it's my actions that will determine the quality of character

 

and Right on reg. projection - there is a fair amount of that going on. I'm going through some changes and I think my crush on her represents a sort of affirmation on where I am heading. There certainly is a lot I do not know about her. And yes there are a few growing pains btn me and gf that need to be better addressed.

 

Fear not, there will be no professional lunch get togethers. Yeesh, as soon as I read what I'd posted I felt like a royal fink. I am not a cheater so there would need to be damn good reason for wrecking my life and my gf's and woa this other woman has a kid what am I on???? I think I got wrapped up in pheromones and this online posty thing has helped sort things out.

 

I think I'll just steer clear of her entirely....

I think I'll try to get back down from orbit and get back to logic tomorrow

Though Florida - dually noted, but if it's lasted this long I'm willing to take a chance and see what happens, including winding up old and happy with the one I'm with

Thanks again