world turned upside down!

[tanita]

Hello Every one!

 

I will make this strory short so that i can post it as soon as possible and get as many answers as possible

 

I have been with my boyfreind for a year and a half and we decided to get married .The other day,we went to choose an engagement ring and he we got a beautiful diamond!

 

The problem?The same day,i found out that 3 months ago,he cheated on me with his ex! I confronted him and he confessed. Needless to say i was so hurt!

 

Now,i do not know what to do!He beged me to forgive him and swore he cheated only with his body and that his heart,soul and feelings are for me.He said he was weak and that they were drunk(but he was sober when he went there) and that i should give him another chance.He cried,got down on his knees....

 

Some of you will ask why i am asking what to do:he cheated so the hell with him.

But no:we had so many dreams 2gether,good times and we had planed a future together.It is so hard to give it all up!

 

I a hurt and my heart is shatterd.The pain is getting bigger every day and i can't stop seeing in front of my eyes

both of them doing it!

 

Has any one been in my situation and forgiven the other party for chaeting on them?Will this pscture of them together ever get erased from my minds eye?

 

Please someone help take away the pain i feel and PLEASE do not tell me that time will heal cos it hurts so much!

[Just A Girl2]

Seems like a huge coincidence that you just happened to find out about his cheating, the same day he buys you an engagement ring. How exactly did you come to find this out on that particular day?

 

What ages are you both?

 

I think you need to dump his arse.

 

What if you had not found out about his cheating? Then your engagement and plans to be married would be based on total deceit and unfaithfulness. Count your blessings that you found out now, instead of after you walked down the aisle, or maybe had a child or 2.

 

His attempt to explain "why" he did this is pure lame....that he'd been drinking and it was only with his body and not his heart. Too bad, so sad. This is not the kind of behavior to expect from someone who's ready to get engaged/plan a life together.

 

Yes, you're devastated...yes, you are heartbroken because you both had all these dreams together.....but this butthead blew all that because he's shown you that he's a cheat and a liar and can't be trusted.

 

How big of him, to have gotten down on his knees to tell you he was sorry and to beg your forgiveness. Too little, too late. Quite a heartwarming performance from someone who's been "busted." If you hadn't found out about this the way you had, do you think he would have had the balls to confess it to you? Of course not. He was ready to just go on with life, and hope you never found out.

 

So what else has he done or lied about? How do you know this is the ONLY time he cheated? OR the only person he cheated WITH? There could be lots more you don't yet know about. You can now never trust anything he tells you, because he's proven that he's a liar and not someone who can be trusted.

 

You need to face reality here, I'm afraid, and return his pathetic engagement ring and end things with him now....as hard as that will be....because to do anything else, you'd only be sending him a message that you're the kind of person who's a pushover; who will easily be "bought" with an engagement ring...who will easily forgive and forget such a huge lie.

 

He can get down on his knees til the cows come home, it's not going to change the fact that he's a freaking cheater who can't be trusted.

 

Once a cheater, always a cheater. I might think differently had he had the CONSCIENCE to confess his behavior to you 3 months ago, right after it happened.......because his conscience couldn't take what he'd done.....but he let it slide all this time and figured he could slip a ring on your finger and you'd never know the truth. He's a dog and you deserve better.

 

Give him his ring back and tell him to pump sand, that's my advice.

[Just A Girl2]

I figured your 'name' sounded familiar, so I clicked on your "profile" and then read your past posts here.

 

You posted not all that long ago:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?threadid=20324 ...this post, indicating how you and your guy initially met....how you and he started DATING when he was still in a relationship with his EX (who I'm assuming is the one he cheated with 3 months ago).......if you started out your relationship based on "cheating" (him cheating on his ex, with you), can you really be surprised that he's cheated on YOU? The guy's a dog who obviously has a history of being a cheat.

 

I read your past post, too, where you indicated that you and he fight all the time......you just fight and make up, it's an ongoing thing.....you were posting, asking how to tell if someone is the right person for you? (him)

 

Based on your past posts, and this post today, you'd be crazy to stay with this guy. And it only confirms the belief that if you partake in a relationship with someone who's cheating on someone (his ex), they're only going to end up cheating on you down the road.

[NEONINK]

You know the sad part...

 

Even with planes, trains, automobiles, internet, cell phones, chat rooms, clubs, and so on.... So many of us are so lonely and alone that we take all this crap from other people.

 

I don't know the answer. Obviously, the answer lies within yourself to be happy with yourself, and in love with yourself. But, let's face it, that's no substitute for a warm body beside you.

 

Although, depending on circumstances... (death of parent, ahem) some people just like a cold bed better.

 

I'm not one of them, and neither is this gal. But so many of us accept unacceptable behavior, and make it fit so we aren't alone.

 

This gal can put the blinders on and hope it doesn't happen again, then stay semi-warm at nights with thoughts of infidelity swirling through her head. Or become one of those women that turn their heads to the misadventures of their beloved and stay toasty warm. Or stop the process, get out, and be alone, cold and alone.

 

By God, It's hard to be alone. I know. My g/f suggested a body pillow, perhaps I should go shopping today.

[Just A Girl2]

Is it really that hard to be alone? I don't think it is for everyone. There's a difference between being alone (single) and being lonely.

 

How could it ever be better to be with someone who cheats on you/treats you like sh*t/disrespects you/you can't trust/who causes you a lot of stress and anxiety.......versus being alone/single?

 

Maybe my mindset about this is something that's come with age, experience and having been in miserable relationships in the past. I vividly recall what it's like to be with someone who I suspected was cheating....the absolute misery of spending each and every day wondering where they were when they weren't with me, wondering who they were with, were they out sleeping around behind my back...feeling, therefore, insecure and in a constant state of stress and worry and feeling somehow inadequate. Being in this "state" isn't a life at all. It's merely a sad existence.....and we all deserve much better than that.

 

Maybe I've become narrowminded with time, but I can't for the life of me understand why anyone would choose to remain with someone who's betrayed them. I'm a big proponent of "respect".....and I believe that the basic foundation of any relationship..be it a simple friendship or a serious intimate relationship, there simply has to be mutual respect there. And there can hardly be respect there if your partner is abusing you (verbally, mentally, physically, sexually) or cheating on you or mistreating you or taking you for granted.

 

I'm really saddened by the number of young women who will stay with a**h*** men, "because I love him".........I always think that if you dig down deep through the layers.........it all goes back to respect. If you're with someone who's betrayed you or cheated on you or lied to you, they don't respect you.........and how can you truly respect them? And if deep down, you come to the realization that you can't respect them because of their blatant (or subtle) disrespect for you, then how can you really say you love them? To me, love can't exist...TRUE LOVE, without mutual respect.

 

Yep, being alone isn't always easy....there's tons of perks to being in a relationship with someone: the companionship, the intimacy, hopefully being 'best friends', having someone to share your life with, etc.................but living each day being fearful and miserable and having to worry about being cheated on again, and all that crap. God, life is just far too short to expend that kind of negative energy on any other human being.

 

We all have choices to make in life. If a person chooses to be with someone who was cheating on someone else at the time they met/started seeing each other, well that should have been a huge red flag as to the kind of principles and values that person has........that they're deceitful and a liar and dishonest and not very respectful of those they claim to care about. So then why would it be some big shock to find out that person has AGAIN cheated? Once a cheater, always a cheater. And if you choose to remain entangled with someone who's a cheater, that's the choice you're making.......and you shouldn't complain or be surprised that your life is miserable and stressful. IMO.

[tanita]

Hello out there

 

Here i am, 5 days after finding out my boyfreind cheted on me and guess what??I am still alive!

 

When i first found out,i though i could never be with this guy again.But as days go on,minutes pass and you go from the stage of shock to the stage of reality, you realise that no matter what you do,you can not change the past so what you have to do is accept it ,live with it and go beyond it.

 

Being strong does not mean breaking up and mooving on.If you really care about someone and think he /she is worth it ,then you have to be strong egnough to forgive and forget.

 

From this experience,i have learnt that forgiving is being stronger than just leaving co to forgive is harder.

 

I still have not forgiven my boyfreind but WE are working on it.I know it will take time and there might be days i will just want to die but it is definitly worth taking a chance.

 

We have been talking about it every day and i know for SURE it was just 1 time.

 

Any way,i hope people will learn from my axperience.

Remember this:FORGIVE IN LIFE IF YOU WANT TO BE FORGIVEN IN LIFE.

THE ONLY WAY FOR THE BITTERNESS TO GO AWAY IS BY LETTING GO AND MOOVING AHEAD AND STARTING A NEW PAGE.

[jessicakicksbut]

After reading all of the posts from JAG 2 and yourself, back and forth, I decided to look up your profile as well. Do you realize you cheated on him three months ago as well? Maybe he cheated on you because you cheated on him? I am not excusing his actions, but it just seems strange that you both cheated on one another at the same time. Both of you need to learn how to resolve conflicts if you are to ever have a happy marriage, and not yell or scream at each other, fight, cheat on each other, or drink to hide the pain.

[Just A Girl2]

Being strong does not mean breaking up and mooving on.If you really care about someone and think he /she is worth it ,then you have to be strong egnough to forgive and forget.

 

Oh, so you're saying that being strong is staying with someone who hurts you and treats you like sh*t? ANd that forgiving and forgetting is the answer to everything? What a crock. That might be the mindset for desperate girls who have no self esteem and will allow themselves to be walked all over just for the sake of having a man in their life, but that doesn't mean it's healthy.

 

If someone is worth it, they're not going to cheat on you for crissakes. They're going to respect you and your relationship and keep their pecker in their pants and have some self control.

 

Based on your past posts, you and your dude have a highly dysfunctional relationship........he was a cheater when you started seeing him (he was cheating on someone else at the time, when with you, what a WINNER. NOT), and he's again a cheater, only this time on you. If you have no self esteem and self respect and want to sadly justify being with a guy who whores around and disrespects you, knock yourself out. Then I guess if you can just forgive and forget then your life should be pretty perfect and happy right now. Ugh. Talk about desperate denial.

[tanita]

jag-

you're saying some pretty mean things here,girl!

you think i am so desperate that i will let a guy in my life just not to be lonely!

what if i tell you that the cheating was only that one night? ?what if i tell you i also cheated on him,twice?what if i tell you he is really sorry and wants to make it up?why can't i give him a second chance and maybe he will really make it up?people learn from their mistakes,beleive me and they change.

i am not justifying what he did but do not forget that i do not give him any sex (cos am still a virgin) and i understand a guy needs it.

just cos you cannot forgive does not mean i cannot forgive!

look,i still have not forgiven him but i think it is worth trying again.

 

i am still deeply hurt and very sad.i think of it all the time and i see him every day and we talk about it.he listens to me abuse him verbally,has kissed my legs,has cried...he is suffering too,you gotta know.

 

i told him i will give it a try and if i see i cannot forgive,then i will have to leave.beleive me,during this past week,i tried leaving him twice but somehow finf myself uncapable.

 

do not get me wrong and do not think i am as cheap as i may sound but there are thing you just gotta let go.

hope in your next post you will be a bit nicer

[NEONINK]

Your boundaries may be entirely different from JAG's. She doesn't accept cheating. You do. Someone else may have a stopgap with lying, smoking, drugs, alcohol, cross words, moody people, levels of communication, levels of affection and touchy-feelie stuff, etc...

 

Everybody and every relationship has it's boundaries. You need to decide your's for yourself. This site can help, because you can read other people's posts and see what happened to them under certain conditions. Read them!

 

Read and figure out your boundaries. Once you have decided them, stick to them. Life will be easier for the rest of your life.

 

For example,

I call it off with either cheating or lying. I have trust issues, so that's my major boundaries. I know these two are musts!

 

I may bend a little on the other things, but those two are NON-NEGOTIABLE. I will not tolerate either.

 

I know other people that will NOT date anybody that smokes.

 

I know other people that have no boundaries, and they seem to always be in relationships, but it usually ends soon.

 

Then other people have too many boundaries, and they either can't find anyone to date, or scare off the person they do get close to.

 

Find your limits and deal with it.

[Just A Girl2]

what if i tell you that the cheating was only that one night? ?what if i tell you i also cheated on him,twice?what if i tell you he is really sorry and wants to make it up?why can't i give him a second chance and maybe he will really make it up?people learn from their mistakes,beleive me and they change.

 

Whether cheating is one occasion or many, what the hell is the difference? He still shared a very intimate sexual experience with someone other than you. I would think this would upset you even more, due to the fact that you say you're a virgin.

 

And you claim to have cheated on him twice? Wow, you sound like quite the couple......with a real mutual sense of loyalty, fidelity (emotional and/or physical) honesty and respect.

 

He was cheating on his ex when he started seeing you (Cheating occasion #1)...now he's cheated on you (cheating occasion #2). So what if he claims to be 'really sorry'.....I'm sure lots of cheaters apologize.....mind you, mostly cuz they got caught and it f*cked up their relationship, which isn't really a sincere apology, but....

 

Sure, maybe he will make it up to you? But maybe not.

 

Hey, you're 26 and he's 29. Both old enough to know a thing or two about relationships. If you both want to play games and cheat and lie and disrespect each other and your relationship as a whole, and then make excuses for it, go for it. Whatever floats your boat. I just remember your multiple posts from the past where you made it very clear that you didn't think he was the guy for you.

 

SO if everything's so peachy and you're going to forgive this serial-cheater, then I'm not sure I understand what you're even here posting for....what advice are you seeking? If you've made up your mind to forgive and forget someone who's shoved his d*ck into someone else's vagina (on at least one occasion) and you think he deserves a second chance, then what exactly did you come here for?

 

Hopefully he's not contracted some non-curable sexually transmitted disease like Herpes or Genital Warts or HIV, that he'll pass onto you once you do have sex with him.

 

It's really sad, too...you seem to be excusing his horsing around because you're a virgin and you claim he's a guy with needs. How fekkin bent is that line of thinking. WHOA!

 

I won't comment on your situation any longer because I'm rather put off by women who have no more self respect than to let men treat them like crap and cheat on them....but then come looking for advice and then having a hissy fit when they get a response that must obviously hit a nerve. Next time you post, just tell us in advance what it is you want us to tell you, and I'm sure someone will.

[cindy0039]

Originally posted by tanita

jag-

i am not justifying what he did but do not forget that i do not give him any sex (cos am still a virgin) and i understand a guy needs it.

 

I must say, I'm a little confused here. If you don't have sex with this guy and you're still a virgin, how is it that you cheated on him twice?

[Paul]

Originally posted by cindy0039

I must say, I'm a little confused here. If you don't have sex with this guy and you're still a virgin, how is it that you cheated on him twice?

 

Since when does "having intercourse" have anything to do with "cheating?" I suppose for the purposes of this thread, we can safely define cheating as breaking a commitment to an otherwise exclusive relationship between two people on one or more of the levels at which the relationship was exclusive. Twist your head around that one.

 

Cheating, depending on the terms agreed upon, either implicitly or explicitly, in any given individual relationship, may very well mean anything from looking at someone to hardcore elbow-anal sex.

 

While I'm poking in here:

Originally posted by Tanita

i am not justifying what he did but do not forget that i do not give him any sex (cos am still a virgin) and i understand a guy needs it.

 

This is a load of hogwash. Tanita, your decision to have or not have intercourse with your partner is one of the terms brought into this agreement when you both joined up for this little relationship venture. The only thing this guy needs anywhere near the vicinity of genitals is a swift, yet firm kick.

 

If he can't handle the absence of sex from your relationship, either the two of you need to re-explore that decision or realize that your individual needs aren't being met, break off the arrangement, and find a more suitable partner who is willing to respect all of your terms and conditions.

 

Exclusions may not apply.

 

Best wishes,

Paul

[tanita]

What doe "EXCLUSIONS MAY NOT APPLY "mean?

[Leikela]

[color=indigo]

Tanita,

 

I think you need to look at your relationship a little deeper and come to the conclusion WHY you both have cheated on one another. Cheating is a red flag that a relationship is broken. Find that broken link, and if you feel it's worth it, try to repair it.

 

If we're 100% satified and happy in a relationship, we don't cheat and seek pleasure from someone else. I think you are treading on dangerous waters here. I wouldn't even think about marrying him until you can work out your very apparent problems first.

 

[/color]

[tanita]

Dearest Leikela

 

Thank you for your post and i absolutly agree with you.Sometimes,when a relationship is broken,you do not want to admit it.You say-"ME??NO,NOT ME!"But deep down,you know that something is wrong.I always used to feel that something was wrong but i loved him so i used to go with the flow.Now,we both

know it and are willing to work on it and have a new beggining.

I think it is worth giving a try and working on our problems.

[Gray]

I really think you need to look into your heart. I'm a pretty easy going guy and I believe in giving people second chances. Its very possible he messed up and he never would make the mistake again. But are you willing to risk heartbreak for it?

 

If what JAG off mentioned in your other posts is true, about him cheating with you on his current girlfriend, i hate to sound cruel, but what did you expect?

 

You really just gotta look inside yourself. I wouldn't be able to sleep next to someone who did that to me, but maybe you're different; maybe your relationship is different.

[LondonChick]

I'm curious to know why you are still a virgin, is it for religious reasons? I think it is great that you are still a virgin (sometimes I wish I still was one!).

 

Or are you still a virgin because you just want your first time to be special (like when you are married)?

 

Whatever the reason I feel you should not even consider losing your virginity with the guy you are with now. To him, sex is nothing it is just a form of release. He places no importance on sex or come to think of it, you.

 

When are you going to wake up? You are 26, but reading your post I thought you were a lot younger. Sorry, but I feel you are not emotionally mature enough to be in a relationship. And maybe if you were honest with yourself you may find that you dont really want to be, or cant be in a mature relationship where you and your partner are truely intimate and will grow together.

 

I say this because; 1. You are still a virgin, and 2. you have chosen to be with someone who is soooo emotionally unavailable, and unable to give you the love and respect that you deserve.

 

Maybe I shouldnt be so hard on you, because you may not know any better, maybe you had a bad childhood, maybe you didnt have great role models, whatever the reason you must be able to see that the situation you are in is unhealthy? Come on be honest with yourself!

[dmanette]

Wow! I've been monitoring these boards for a very long time but this particular thread forced me into action. I am SO VERY SAD by what I've read and devastated by how little respect some individuals feel they deserve.

 

Wouldn't it be wonderful to be able to recognize that which is mentally and emotionally damaging and then simply remove oneself from the situation with pride and confidence in tact? Wouldn't it be nice to have enough self-esteem and feeling of self-worth to recognize that neither this man nor this relationship are the last ones on Earth and that being physically alone is far better than being stressed, crazed, and ultimately emotionally alone? And wouldn't it be nice to love oneself more than loving the "security" of being in a relationship, or to fear compromising ones standards more than fearing being alone?

 

I mean how many red flags do we need here?

#1- if he cheats WITH you, he will cheat ON you. It's just that simple.

 

#2 During courtship, people are on their best behavior. Is this the best he can do? Or for that matter, is this the best YOU can do?

 

#3 When someone shows you their true character, believe them. I understand your feeling that since you aren't "putting out" he has to go elsewhere, but just be mindful, sweetheart, that after you have a baby you are out of commission for at least 6 weeks. What do you think the poor fella will do then? If this is his character, beware.

 

Please, for your sake, and mental well being, think LOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG and hard about a future with this guy until you can say, with absolute certainty, that you have complete and total faith, trust, and belief in him and him in you. Believe me.......I KNOW!

 

dm-

[clia]

i am not justifying what he did but do not forget that i do not give him any sex (cos am still a virgin) and i understand a guy needs it.

 

Don't tell me you are falling for the "I have needs" excuse?

 

If he really loved you, he would wait for you. End of story.

[cheating man]

my dear girl,

 

my heart goes out to you for your heartache and hurt feelings. however, i would definetly, and unequivacoly break off the relationship.

 

your boyfreind cheats on you with his ex, saying, "oh, it was only with my body..i was drunk" they all say that when they got busted. It was with someone he obviously had an emotional history with. funny how all men suddenly become wracked and consumed with guilt when they cheat on thier girlfreinds/wives/finace's. its like they are redeeming and repenting themselves all before God. they cry, they protest thier undying love for you; they swear they'll never ever do it again, how you are the ONLY one...funny, why didnt they say all of those things BEFORE they cheated?

 

if he's giving you a song and dance of how this made him realize how much he loves you, dont buy it. if thats the case, I wonder what is going to make you realize how much of a cowardly spinelss twerp he really is. obviously he cheated becuase he wanted out. his behavoiur is a major sign, telling you he isnt ready to settle down, and take on the responsilibility and respect and maturiety that marriage entails.

 

Dump him. respect yourself. and trust that the universe has something so much better in store for you.