Urgent! Plaese Read!

[kahlan]

Hi All,

Sorry for the urgent,but it I really need all the wisdom and advice I can get. This may be a long post,which is why I have not written it sooner, but it has to be done because I need help so very bad.

I'm a 31 year old female. Three years ago I got married to a man I had been since I was 19. I love him very much. We got married under tragic circumstances. We were already engaged,but when my grandmother fell terminally ill, we decided to get married right away at the hospital in her room.

Our relationship had always been a little off. I'll try my best to explain. The first year we met, it was just a sexual relationship. No strings attached. Slowly,very slowly,we began to come together in a more meaningful way. It was very slow going because at the time we were both broken-hearted from previous break-ups (he more so than I). I didn't have much relationship experience at the time, but I knew enough to know that ours was very one-sided in terms of giving. I always did little things for him. Always did and said things that showed him I was thinking about him, and that I loved him. He on the other hand was a little different. He treated me ok. Told me he loved me, but was never as considerate or giving as I was. Over the years this was an ongoing issue.I 'm sure you guys know that fight. I would say "you do nothing for me,you give nothing,and I do everything". He would fully admit that I was right and tell me that it was because when he met me he was so broken-hearted that he felt like he had nothing to give, and that kind of set a tone/pattern/bad habit, that he could not get out of. He would tell me he would change and he would for a day or two, but then things would go back to the way they were.

Now I have to stop here, because I realize all this may sound petty and small. I can assure it was not.T his was a daily thing. A way of life. If I had a migraine and asked for a glass of water,he would sigh. When my nan (who raised me and was everything to me) passed away he pressured me to go back to work after only 3 days. Many nights I went to bed,alone,greiving,crying until I thought my body must have ran dry and he would stay on the computer. If I was sick,there was no compassion,no desire to take care of me. I had always taken care of him,given of myself in every way to him. It was like something very fundamental was always missing. You know how when someone you love is huritng, whether physically or emotionally,you have the want to help them. You hurt for them.He either never had that for me or never expressed it.

As time went on it got worse. I continued to put up with it,and treat him decent,but my giving became less and less and my resentment towards him more and more. He also became angry at the fact that now I did do a lot less for him. I was alot less giving. Although he would state that he knew what he was doing and knew it had to change,it never would.

Things also escalted to where when we would get in an argument he started to call me names. Bitch,stupid bitch etc. I so did not deserve this. No mater what our situation,even if we were arguing,I always treated him with respect. Instead of saying "your an inconsiderate person".I would say "your a nice guy to everyone but me". And this was true. He treated everyone else awesome.

Over the years I've threatened to leave many times. I became very tired of being the only one to give,and I got tired of the name-calling,although at least for along time now that has stopped. I warned him each and everytime that he was inconsiderate, cruel or verbally abusive that he was slowly chipping away at my love for him.

And now it has happened. What I have dreaded. I don't feel in love with him anymore.And before I go on to the mountain of questions I have, I'll finish this part. I told him,I didn't feel in love anymore,and he more or less said he did not either.I told him the only way the marriage had a chance was if we spent some time apart to discover how we felt. Would we miss each other etc....What followed was a conversation that even Dr.Phil would have been proud of. He admitted like he never had before that everything was his fault. He cried (which he never had before ) and said no matter what were to happen to us in the future he needed me to know that he was very sorry for what he put me through all these years. I know he was sincere. He said he understood why he treated me like that and how he could change it.He also said he understood why I needed to leave and that he didn't deserve me or understand how I stayed with him all this time.He admitted that instead og treating me like his wife,he treated me like an annoyance.

I listened to everything he had to say. This was the moment. The realization I had wanted him to come to for years. But you know what? It did nothing for me. Well..not nothing. I was glad he could finally admit what he was doing all this time. I was glad he acknowledged how much he had hurt me and that he was sorry, but the feelings I had for him that a wife is supposed to have for her husband, I felt had been destroyed.

However, I told him that since we had never been in a marriage where he realized what he had done,and treated me right, I would not leave right then.Instead I would stay and we would both put in a valiant effort.And if it didn't work,we could both walk away knowing we really gave it our all.

That was a week ago.He has changed some.Little things like making me breakfast and showing some concern.But I really feel like it's too late.I began to feel worse day by day. Day by day I felt more and more like I want to leave. Like I need to leave,and I'm pretty sure I won't be coming back.So yesterday I told him. I said that me leaving was the only way I would ever know if I could be "in love " with him again. Then he got a little man and nasty with the things he was saying.Of course this then told me that he had been insincere in his earlier apology,but I realize it could just be the anger talking. However,I realize now without a doubt that I have to leave and I am going in a few days.I have alot of questions.

What does leaving tell you? From what I've read here so far people seem to gain alot of perspective from it.

Also,there are definite things I know and I'm just wondering about what you guys think about those things you know for sure in the midst of emotional confusion. I know for sure that I have not and do not want a child with him even though he's been asking for years. I know I'm not even a little sexually attracted to him anymore. I know for sure I love him. I know for sure I'm not in love with him.I don't want to spend any time with him,and my "want" for this to work,and to put effort into it is gone.

It's very hard for me because even though this is what I want, I am worried about him. I'm almost willing to stay and sacrifice my own happiness, not to hurt him. I have never intentionally hurt anyone. Let alone like this.

I also wonder....can those feelings ever truly come back? If they are really truly dead can they be revived? And what if your at the point where you don't even want them to come back?

No one in my family is really surprised. They would all comment from time to time about how he did nothing for me and showed no compassion.I t was very obvious. They say they are proud of me for having the strength and courage to leave an unhappy marriage, but I don't feel I'm doing anything to be proud of. I read on another site that you know you are ready to leave when you can walk out the door without feeling angry,hurt,or frusstrated.I know I can do that because I feel neither of those things. Mostly I just feel sad for him and me. I could express alot more,but this is way too long already. I'm sorry about that,but I really needed it. Mostly,I would really like to know what leaving did for any of you insight wise.Thanks you for listening.There are alot of kind souls here.

[Green]

I can't tell you what to do, what I can say is things are going to be O.K. if you clear your mind and medetate the answers will come to u. This involves pretty much all of your adult life so don't stress

[sumdude]

All I can say is that you should realize that either path you take.... will not be easy. In fact each may be as difficult as the other. One the one hand you would have to rebuild your marriage almost from scratch with 100% effort on both of your parts. On the other you will have to rebuild most of your life from scratch on your own and deal with the emotional upheaval of a divorce.

 

Divorce affects every part of your life and just about every relationship. Finances, Freinds, family, in laws etc. Once the snowball starts rolling it gets bigger and bigger.

 

Just something to think about, you'll have to decide which way to go. Just don't get involved with anyone else right now and if you choose to split not for a while after.

[cj1988]

Whatever you decide, it will be hard. It is even hard to leave a bad M.....the time, the attachments etc....it is terrible and hard to get over. But, if you are SURE you are not in love and it cannot be rebuilt, then go, for both your sakes.

[lovelorcet]

Google up the "love bank" idea on the marraige builders website. This might help to explain how you got to where you are and offer a way to get out.

[jmargel]

Seems like the communication between you two have broken down and with it not being addressed properly, this is what happens.

 

Have you two tried marriage counseling? Honestly being seperated is the beginning of the end of the marriage. I haven't heard any good counselors recommend seperating to save the marriage. It's not about 'missing' the other person, it's about getting through the hurt, the resentment and the upsetment and wanting it to work in the end. It's about trusting the other person that this won't happen again. The only way to get through this is with counseling. It's upto you whether or not you want to go through this work, not knowing the outcome. There is no guarantee that your marriage will be what you want after counseling (months of counseling). There is also no guarantee that the next guy you meet will be the one for you.

 

You are in a tough position, you've become numb to his mistreatment towards you, which I feel is the final step.

 

However what you can't do is to stay in a relationship just to prevent the hurt from others. It seems like you are a giver, which is good in itself (good chance you might be a nurse?). However with givers, if you end up with someone who just takes and takes, you don't have anymore to give. He has to start giving back before you can put anything more into this relationship. I would suggest if he is serious about wanting this marriage to work that he gets individual counseling, and at some point in the future you might consider going along. However let him know there are no guarantees at this point. Give him a few days to think this over, let it really sink in.

[carrot10]

I left my husband almost 3 years ago. He is a great guy but neglected me for 15 years. We fought constantly about him ignoring me and not being there for me. Leaving was the HARDEST but the BEST decision I've ever made. When I met him I was 21 years old-very confident, outgoing, charming..etc.. It chipped away at me to have him ignor me all those years. I became this shell of a person-like a little mouse begging for attention. I hated the way I became. When I look back , it's embarrasing to see how I was. I'm back to my old self now but it took some time. I stayed because I didn't want to hurt him and because I invested so much time, It is hard at first but do it for yourself. You will be so happy. You never know what will happen later just look at today and try to make the best decision for yourself!

[marlena]

I think that the cursing and name-calling would have made me want to leave a long time ago. I see this as mental cruelty. I would not stay and try to salvage a marriage with a neanderthal. Plain and simple. This man does not know the meaning of respect and sheer human courtesy let alone the meaning of nuturing love.

 

Why are you not only putting up with this kind of abusive behaviour but are also responding with loving tenderness and kindness? Passivity never solves a thing.

 

You have established patterns in your marriage that are difficult,if not impossible, to break. I don't think he has the rudimentary basics to make any effective changes in your marriage or in himself.

 

Of course, I am only an outsider and I may be wrong. You need to decide if this is the kind of life you want for yourself.

 

Marlena

[HokeyReligions]

There is no going back. You need to realize this in your heart and mind first. There is only getting through and going forward and this is true no matter what path you choose.

 

Personally, I would not recommend sacrificing your own happiness to do what you think will help. All that will do is put off the pain of the current situation while accumulating even more pain which you will both have to deal with later.

 

Get your assets and belongings in order. That doesn't mean you are leaving, its just giving you something to focus on right now and it is an accomplishment. Doing something right now will help eliminate some of the overwhelming emotions you are going thru. If you decide to stay and keep working on the marriage (with counseling) it won't hurt anything and if you two decide to part - either trial separation or divorce - you will have one less thing to stress over at that time.

 

Many couples go through things like this. Hubby and I did - we separated a couple of times over the 25 or so years we've been together - both before and after we were married. We did get back together, but it was not the same as going back. We came out stronger for it, but we still work on our marriage daily and we both go thru periods of "why did I marry this person!".

 

For other couples who divorce - they feel stronger individually after its all over and done with. No one's situation should ever be used as an example for you because you and your husband are two indivduals and your marriage has a dynamic no other marriage will have. That was a trap I fell into when first married. I compared my marriage to others. It sounds easy and trite and like "duh!" why did I do that, but when enmeshed in this emotional pain its human nature to look for examples to follow or emulate - its easier than dealing with it oneself. We got counseling and have gone on and off for many years. It helped us, once we found the right counselor.

 

There are steps to take, such as tackling one thing at a time - like getting your assets/money in order should you separate. Dealing with the influence of another person (maybe family or a close friend) and resolving those questions, advice, etc. so that they no longer provide constant anxiety and influence over your decisions. Look for things you can Do now and be done with - small things that when combined make a huge emotional impact. Even if it means cleaning out some closets! Its doing SOMETHING that is helpful.

[kahlan]

Hi...Thank-you all for your responses. More are welcome. You guys are wonderful! Very insightful also.I can see this place becoming a second home in the weeks to come