jmmm Posted January 23, 2008 Share Posted January 23, 2008 This isn't really a dilema but just a question. My b/f and I have had debates about going out separately and I donot want it to happen often. In the past couple of years i guess i can't complain. Its occurred every few months. But there are various occassions I would get mad over it. Everyone he knows is single so going to a singles type bar is definitely on there list or they could even possibly say lets go to a strip club or something of some sort. In my opinion if a guy is in a group, i think it will be very hard in certain scenarios to say no my g/f wouldnt like that. Aside from this, this coming friday he mentioned people from work were going out to eat again(he went about 2 months ago)..but he knows i mentioned going to a fancy restaurant that night so he told them no..i was debating about what i should do..If i should do something positive and say why dont you go eat and then pick me up later. The thing is--chances are he will not be the one driving so its not like he can say if they want to go to bars after at 11pm "hey i need you to drive me back"..it will cut into everyone else's evening. Is it positive to say why dont you go eat and pick me up at so and so time and if he says well he cant guarantee that b/c he wont be driving then say ohh i was hoping we would do both, lets just stick to our original plans then and go to dinner together. Would that still make me look good and show I am trying?? Another problem I have..i know this certain friend is in town and i really donot like him..he has a g.f and a kid and goes to bars various times a week and admits to doing body shots etc..i feel it could be possible for this friend to call him that night and wind up hanging out with him after the dinner..i don't believe he is a good person in regards to a relationship and feel he is a bad influence..this factor is also making me consider to keep the plans I have with my b.f.. but i almost feel like i could be making a mistake by doing that b/c maybe i will have more leverage if i try to be nice and say go to dinner atleast. what do you guys think? Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted January 23, 2008 Share Posted January 23, 2008 I think it must suck not to trust your boyfriend to do the right thing, whether out with friends, coworkers, or whoever, and to feel like you need to base your own choices upon the idea of maximizing your "leverage" to give you the best chance of controlling and affecting what he does. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jmmm Posted January 23, 2008 Author Share Posted January 23, 2008 Trimmer and anyone else, what should i do then? I really cant stand this new friend and i feel it is possible for him to call that night..that is why apart of me doesnt want to say go out that night. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted January 23, 2008 Share Posted January 23, 2008 I think you are being irrational about the friend. Has your bf ever given you a reason not to trust him? I mean just because he is at a bar with single guys doesn't mean he's going to be hitting on a bunch of girls. Think of it this way: would you want your bf to tell you who you can and can't hang out with? Or tell you he doesn't want you going out with your friends? Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted January 23, 2008 Share Posted January 23, 2008 If you try to stop your BF seeing his friend, he will only resent you for it. You have to trust him more. So what if the others do body shots? That doesn't mean HE does it. Lack of trust, jealousy, suspicion and manipulative behaviour are sure FIRE relationship killers. Link to post Share on other sites
Lee725 Posted January 24, 2008 Share Posted January 24, 2008 Trust, trust, trust, if you don't have it, don't try to manipulate a way to create it. It must come from a belief inside you. I would be more than happy for a partner of mine to go out with the boys once every couple of months, heavens i would almost insist, because i would like nothing more than to sit with the girls and drink wine! Do you have a group of friends that you go out with? It almost sounds like perhaps you might arrange your social calender around him and don't really go out yourself without him?? (correct me if i am wrong). Can i ask what a body shot is? Link to post Share on other sites
backspn Posted January 24, 2008 Share Posted January 24, 2008 I would suggest going out with the girls when he goes out or even better when he is at home. I personally trust my girl but thats what you have to do unless they give you reasons not to be trustworthy. When you are married you tend to do alot together, almost everything and its not normal to go out with the guys on a normal basis. But you guys are dating. Im sure he loves you and quite possibly thinks about you when he is out. I know I think of my girl when Im out. Hope this helps. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted January 24, 2008 Share Posted January 24, 2008 Can i ask what a body shot is? LOL it's a shot you take off of someone else's body. In this case, a hot girl. Link to post Share on other sites
Lee725 Posted January 24, 2008 Share Posted January 24, 2008 LOL it's a shot you take off of someone else's body. In this case, a hot girl. OOOHHHH, i think i have seen them in the movies ... where a guy will drink something out of a girls belly button ???? (yep/Na?) EEEEEWWWWWW..... I don't think i would like anyone i was with to do that! Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted January 24, 2008 Share Posted January 24, 2008 OOOHHHH, i think i have seen them in the movies ... where a guy will drink something out of a girls belly button ???? (yep/Na?) EEEEEWWWWWW..... I don't think i would like anyone i was with to do that! Thanks. Yeah, licking the shot out of a girl's belly button is one way of taking one. When I was in cancun, I actually saw one taken off a girl's breast. Of course that was spring break and everyone was wasted! But anyway, to the OP you do have to trust your bf to NOT do something like that. I mean you know him, do you really because some dude wants to do that crap, your bf is going to as well? Link to post Share on other sites
Sal Paradise Posted January 24, 2008 Share Posted January 24, 2008 (edited) Unless he has given you a legitimate reason not to trust him then you're being irrational. You sound like you could have some jealousy and control issues. You're trying to mother him. He's a grown man if you can't trust him to go out with his friends occasionally there is no hope for the relationship. Also why don't you like his friend, what has the friend done to deserve your distrust? It sounds like that you're worried that if he is tempted in any way he will cheat. So you feel it's you have to watch for possible threats and eliminate them. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life behaving like this? As I said, unless he has done something (cheated in the past) to cause this paranoia the problem isn't him, it's you. He shouldn't have to ask permission to hang out with his friends occasionally. That sounds controlling. And the way you described the whole scenario of trying to gain leverage sounds manipulative. Edited January 24, 2008 by Sal Paradise Link to post Share on other sites
Sal Paradise Posted January 24, 2008 Share Posted January 24, 2008 Ok, after reading through several posts you have posted over the past couple of years it's become quite apparent that you have some major issues... 1) Jealousy 2) Controlling 3) Paranoia You need to seek some counselling. Behaving like this isn't normal. Questioning everything that your boyfriend does and says isn't normal. Over-Analyzing everything isn't nromal. The sad thing is that in every thread posters respond with good advice telling you that you're paranoid and yet just like clock work you post another thread a few weeks or months later with another issue that is nothing more than you being paranoid. I would suggest that you either get some help from a trained professional or break up with your boyfriend. Your behavior could drive him to do the very thing you fear happening. Do you really want to go through your life obsessing over meaningless crap? I guess I should thank you though. Reading through some of your threads was another reminder of how fortunate I am to have the great girl I am currently with. One that doesn't question every little thing I say and or do as if it's a sign of some grand scheme to screw her over in some way. You need professional help. If you won't seek out a psychologist at the very least go to a therapist. Do something because if this continues you will destroy your current relationship and any future ones you have. Stop looking for problems with everyone around you and realize that the person with the problem is you. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts