Great guy, so what's wrong with me?

[nickilovespookie]

I’ve been with my bf for 3 happy years. Everything has really been great. We give each other space; do our own thing, sometimes things together. Blah blah. He’s the kinda guy your Mom would like you to date because he’s got a good job, owns a house, is nice, and trustworthy, etc.

 

 

Him and I get along great together, sometimes I feel like more than friends though because I am able to be myself 100% around him. We joke a lot and whatever.

 

As for our sexual relationship – I’m not as attracted to him as I used to be but we’ve been living together for 2 years so who would?

 

 

Then there’s this other guy I know. He’s a friend of my two cousins. He lives about an hour and a half away so I see him a couple times a month when I go stay up there with my cousin. Usually we just see each other out at the bar but I’ve seen him a couple times at other places too like my Aunt’s house.

 

He isn’t prince charming at first. My cousins both say don’t think about him, he’s a womanizer blah blah. Well, I can definitely see where they are coming from but I know he doesn’t want to be like that anymore. He's polite to me and we get along very well. He used to be in a 5 year relationship and then for a while was just “dating” or whatever. He’s 30 and my bf is 29. We’ll call the non-bf George. Anyway, George tells me he really likes me, wants to see if something could work yadee yada. I definitely can’t picture him intentionally hurting me if he got the chance because on of mytwo cousins; he's good friends with one which is the one that can do some major ass kicking. So, I can’t picture George doing anything dumb because it would jeopardize his friendship as well not to mention get pounded on.

 

George and I have been texting for a couple of week’s everyday. We just talk about whatever. The problem is, I’m really starting to like him and I don’t know if it’s a bad idea. I was supposed to go have dinner with him twice but backed out because I changed my mind. I keep going back and forth between him and my bf. I love my bf but I really have feelings for George and wonder what if.

 

I almost broke up with my bf once already. I told him that I’m confused, really young to be settled (23) blah blah. All because I want to be single to spend more time with George and not be so scared about being caught. (Not that we've done anything.) Well, I didn’t have the heart to leave him and ended up staying. Then I told George that I don’t think we should talk anymore and he was mad but just told me not to call him anymore. He says this is no fun for him and I should leave him alone. Does he sound like a player or telling the truth that he really truly likes me?

 

Anyway, when I almost broke up with my bf, I didn’t tell him that there’s someone else even though he asked. I haven’t done anything with George except flirt and text him.

 

I feel like the only way out is to tell him that there’s someone else I have “confusing” feelings for and that it’s not fair to my bf that I don’t give him my 100% (my bf). However, I’m afraid that I’m going to regret it. Not only that but he really loves me and we have a life together. I'm just very attracted to the idea of being able to kiss George and talk to him without hiding it.

 

 

A little part of me feels even worse because my bf is the ideal bf, good job, house, etc. But I really have feelings for George.

 

I can’t decide.

[ElvenPriestess]

So we have two guys here, George and the b/f. George stimulates your hormones, meaning the attraction. You are sexually attracted to him, interested in seeing where things could go, he's sparked you. Fun, exciting, all that.

 

Then the b/f, you have security, a home, financial stability, a foundation. And those are your two choices. Stay with the security and have feelings for some one else in secrecy, or leave security, be independent once again for, what, the pursuance of this new flame right?

 

I must say the texting, the flirting, seeing him, all that, you say you haven't done anything with him, but you have. You have an emotional flame here, you're heart has strayed form your b/f and you have not told him. He sits in the dark not understanding why you've thought of leaving him, and you lied to him when he asked. He asked you if there was some one else, and you said no.

 

I'm not saying you're a bad person, I'm just helping you see an underlying problem here. Bigger than which guy to go with. Trust has been broken because of another man, you have lied to the man you've put three years into who houses you, loves you, yet your heart belongs to some one else.

 

My point? My advice? Stop leaving your b/f in the dark. Tell him about George. Think of the reverse, what if you loved your b/f with all your heart and he had feelings for another woman, was texting her, flirting, etc., behind your back? Would you not want him to be honest? The secrecy, lying, deception, must end. That I think needs to be your first priority. Coming clean. And being honest 100%.

[Bryanp]

If the roles were reversed wouldn't you want your boyfriend to be honest with you as to why he really wishes to break up with you? Not telling him the reason demeans him, you and your relationship. Either you practice honesty or deceit in your life.

[nickilovespookie]

uuuuuhhhhhh!!! I really want to tell him.

 

It just seems easier to disregard my feelings for George and move on. Which I've tried, about a week ago when I told George that we shouldn't talk anymore. Then I texted him last night. Because I'm going up to my cousin's this weekend and I was just seeing if he'll be around.

 

That's so wrong.

 

So you think tell my bf about the other guy and see where it goes?

 

I don't want to hurt him. I know that sounds stupid but I feel since I haven't told him he really hasn't been hurt. So selfish I know.

 

When we were about to break up I asked him if it would have been easier if there was someone else and he said "it would be a better explanation".

 

I really just don't want to let my bf go because he's great. I feel like I'm going to regret it.

[ElvenPriestess]

Let me ask you THIS then. Are you over George? CAN you get over him fast and never let it happen again? If you can do that, kiss good bye the thoughts and feelings of another man, AND that you've never had sex or anything, you COULD go the no telling route.

 

IF you can drop the feelings and promise to yourself that you will be loyal and faithful in your heart here on out, for the sake of your relationship, then stop texting him, stop flirting, be casually polite, NOTHING more, and if he gets huffy puffy, tell him "I love my b/f. Simple as that." Do those things, and not telling the b/f IS an option.

 

If you can't do those things, you need to tell him. Decide: What's stronger: Your feelings for your b/f, or the potential for some one else?

[nickilovespookie]

Uuuuhhhhh again!

 

This makes me feel so bad.

 

George is the total opposite of my bf. I would really be losing out on a great guy forever if this goes through.

 

So basically I should tell him about my feelings for the other guy but do I tell him that I want to forget about George or break up and keep seeing George.

 

I just don't want this to keep happening. The kind of guy my bf is comes few and far between. But I feel like that's no reason to stay when my mind is somewhere else.

[ElvenPriestess]

Where is your heart? Is this just a passing fancy, a crush if you will? Where is your heart at? WHO does it belong to?

 

And yes, if you can't let go of these feelings, your b/f has a right to know, even if you WANT to let them go, you tell him hey, I was confused about this guy, and I know now that you're who I love, we didn't do anything, it was just my thoughts and feelings in turmoil. (IF that's how you feel)

[nickilovespookie]

I definitely know that my brain is with my bf. Like I said, great guy.

 

 

I honestly keep going completely back and forth. Sometimes, I'm like, yep, staying with my bf is definitely the right thing, we laugh together, we live together, I take his dog to daycare on Wednesdays, I like his family, they like me (a lot), etc.

 

And then, I wait for George'ss texts and I daydream about how it could be if I went up there (my cousin's) see him out or go on a date with him and be able to kiss him in front of people.

 

 

 

Uuuugggghhhh. I'm so stressed.

 

I feel like I know what I want but I definitely don't want to do it. (be single).

 

I've always liked the "married life", stable, comfortable, etc. But I just have this streak of needing to be on my own, George made that come out.

[lovelorcet]

You are way too immature to be in this relationship with your current bf. Dump him and tell him why. These types of feeling will not go away until you grow up some more and learn what love and a long term relationship really is.

[nickilovespookie]

well thanks for that. That made me feel a ton better. Wow.

 

 

For the record, I am not immature. I am just a person with feelings. This can happen to anyone.

[ElvenPriestess]

Ok, simple question I think will help you out hun.

 

Ask yourself: Do I want a long term stable relationship?

Do I want something fun and different every few weeks, months, whatever?

 

In essence, are you prepared to leave every other man behind to dedicate to just one person? That means all of your heart, mind, and soul. Which choice appeals to you mot? Don't think about it, go with your gut and answer. Aloud or to yourself, whichever.

[Bryanp]

Not to be harsh but you really sound like a classic cake-eater. You want to be able to kiss George in public and probably have sexual intimacy with him down the line; but also want to hold on to your boyfriend in case it does not work out with George. In short, you want your boyfriend to be a safety net for you.

 

Your boyfriend should not be a doorprize for you. If you truly love him then tell him the truth so he can find someone else who can truly love him, respect him and be honest with him in a relationship.

[nickilovespookie]

That last post was sarcasm. The last thing I need is to be told I'm a bad person and immature.

 

Granted I'm only 23, maybe younger than you but I still have feelings.

[ElvenPriestess]

nls, forget about that, did you read my last post? It's something to really ask yourself, which direction your life is at right now you know?

[nickilovespookie]

I'm not trying to be a cake eater but you definitely have a good point.

 

I'm not going to let my bf be a saftey net which is why I'm struggling with this so much. I don't want to make a wrong choice. Stay with my bf, wonder what if forver or however long.

 

Leave and take a chance on a guy.

 

The entire time I've been with my bf this has never happened. I've always been 100% dedicated to him. Until George came along.

[nickilovespookie]

So basically if I want a stable relationship I have to be willing to keep all other men out of my life and stay with my bf.

 

If I want a stable relationship with George, that's taking a chance and then who's to say I'm not going to go thru this again.

[Phateless]

I was with a girl for 5 years and wanted to stray several times but never did. Over time I realized that the feelings of restlessness would not go away, because I wasn't getting everything I needed from the relationship. Eventually, she left me for someone else, after I had resisted and moved on from someone I really liked to stay with her. How ironic.

 

Getting over her was the hardest thing I've ever gone through in my entire life, but now that I'm there, I feel so much better. I can do whatever I want, see whoever I want, and report to nobody.

 

I realize now that the girl was not nearly as right for me as I thought she was, I was merely scared %&$#-less of being alone.

 

All in all, you have to look at this backwards to understand how your bf would feel. Hope this helps.

[nickilovespookie]

The girl that you realized wasn't right for you - do you mean your gf or the other girl you liked?

 

 

I've always been afraid to be alone. But lately, ever since George came along, I really just want to get to know myself more and be alone. Even though I know my bf really knows me. How can I need to get to know myself when he knows everything about me?

 

I don't really want to pursue anything with George, just get to know him, spend time with him.

[ElvenPriestess]

So basically if I want a stable relationship I have to be willing to keep all other men out of my life and stay with my bf.

 

If I want a stable relationship with George, that's taking a chance and then who's to say I'm not going to go thru this again.

 

I'm not saying eliminate men from your life, HAVE male friends, people your open with your b/f about, people who you hang out with your b/f being there too. But these situations just don't work for a stable and healthy relationship.

 

And I do wonder as you do if you wouldn't end up in this same position just with some one else? It could turn into a bad cycle.

[nickilovespookie]

I'm afraid of a cycle like that too which is why, if we break up, I'll be single for awhile, get to know people, not just jump into relationship after relationship. However, I feel like I'm only 23 so maybe I just haven't found the right person yet. Or, maybe my bf and I need a break for me to find out that we are made for each other.

[ElvenPriestess]

A break may be a good idea, just be cautious, and I would recommend not seeing George at all during this break to keep your mind clear and focused.

[nickilovespookie]

hmmm. So if I wanted to see George, it should be a break up not just a break.

 

 

I'm a horrible person.

 

 

Here's what my body parts are telling me:

 

Brain: stay with bf. If you don't you could regret it.

 

Guts: You time time alone. You've never been alone, you need to explore other things. Be single.

 

Heart: I feel bad for my bf, and his family. Who am I to hurt him? But, do you want to be with him still?

 

Hormones: spend time with George but break up with bf you know you want to.

[ElvenPriestess]

Instincts and heart must come first, they are the TRUE source of true happiness. Get your hormones under control too. BUT don't stay with anyone out of guilt or obligation. Do you feel any guilt or obligation?

[nickilovespookie]

yes, obligation because I feel like I would be a fool to break up with such a good guy. Not many out there. Guilt? Yes, I feel totally guilty because my bf is a good bf. He hasn't done anything wrong to deserve the woman he loves to leave him.

 

I know what you're thinking- he hasn't done anything wrong to deserve being lied to either.

 

I've even looked at apartments.

[ElvenPriestess]

He doesn't have to have done anything wrong. If your feelings aren't there, then by staying with him you'd be hurting him more than if you'd left. Better to be honest and do what you have to do, then stay and live a lie for his benefit right?

 

You're guilty and feeling obligated, get that out of the way, those can NOT be factors in your choice.

 

Are you IN LOVE with him?