Great guy, so what's wrong with me?

[nickilovespookie]

What's missing is what we talked about before. The in love, the passion, the desire. Don't you think?

 

 

Yes. Absolutely that's what's missing. So the choice is mine, work it out or become single. The idea of being single seems very attractive to me lately and it's never have before. On one hand, love my bf, makes me laugh all the time but really somethings missing (love, passion, desire). Do I stay or move on to someone that I have that with?

[nickilovespookie]

Or not even move on to someone just give myself time to figure out what I really want in a relationship.

 

I'm only 23, I feel like if I'm feeling like this now it's going to just get worse as I get older and stay with my current bf. Or am I wrong? Is this a phase?

[CaliGuy]

NLS, at 23 you are young and like it or not, not quite ready for a LTR. Your feelings for George are based simply on him being new and different. Everyone has told you he is a womanizer. He is a classic JERK. How did I come to that conclusion? George is putting on the smooth moves in hopes of getting you into the sack. Once that mission is accomplished his personality will go back to being the womanizer.

 

You'll end up disappointed and hurt, your BF will have moved on and found someone who truly loves him and you'll be left holding the bag, wondering what went wrong. You already see the red flags with this "George" yet you're ignoring them and bringing up delusions of grandeur with someone you barely know.

 

Your current BF deservers to be with someone who is as loving and dedicated to him as he is to you. He deserves to be set free so that he can find her. You really need to be fair to him. Either dedicate yourself to working things out with your current BF (and cutting George off completely and stop going up there to hang out with those friends) or dump your current BF and take a flyer on George.

 

Something tells me you will end up getting drunk one night and cheating on your BF with George. Because that is the direction you are headed right now. You are having an EMOTIONAL AFFAIR which in many cases leads directly to a physical affair.

 

Be honest with your current BF and let HIM make the decision to try and salvage the relationship or move on so he can find Ms. Right.

 

No doubt at your age you will have confusing feelings. But it's also my belief that until you do break it off and pursue things with "George" you will regret your decisions either way. If you leave your BF and pursue and it fails, you will regret. If you stay with your BF and don't pursue it, you'll always wonder "What if."

 

So many times women wonder "Why can't I find a great guy like so and so???" and once they find them, they don't want to keep them. You're in that position. The question is, what are you going to do about it?

[nickilovespookie]

I just feel like I shouldn't be so quick to loose my bf though because men like him come few and far between. Or so I've heard, never actually experienced much of other guys. Before him I had a bf for 3 years too but he was a jerk, definitely knew he was wrong. Then before that one I was in High school and had a high school bf but that was just young.

[nickilovespookie]

See I know that's what will happen, George will go back to being a dick whatever, blah blah, I'll be without my great bf. and yet, here I am. Wondering.

 

I am such a whack job.

 

BTW, I don't think the drunk, cheating thing would happen because George and I have already been drunk together (with other people) and we've had the chance to atleast kiss but we didn't.

 

He doesn't want to talk because it will have to be in secret and until I'm bf-less he knows that my cousins (his friends) are going to tell me to do the right thing. Basically, he doesn't want to sneak around but if it doesn't work out with my bf he would love to try us.

[nickilovespookie]

ya know, as much as we laugh together and he's funny, we do have our problems. We don't always see eye to eye in regard to house stuff. He won't let me paint even tho he has no good reason not to except, wait until we get a better house, he won't let me buy a kitchen table because when we have a different house it might not match. The cleaning, he's always harping on me that I'm not productive like when I'm on the computer, even though he's going to archery the same night. It's a hobby. He says going to archery is productive tho, playing pac man on the computer isn't.

 

So we're not 100% great. It used to be a lot worse though when I first moved in, he used to get upset if I got crumbs on the counter. Basically I don't pick up after myself like I should.

 

I think he's a bit anal sometimes.

[ElvenPriestess]

Most all couples have little differences such as those. In my last two relationships I ALWAYS cleaned up after them, and it bugged me, but I just sucked it up and did it anyway.

 

The thing to ask yourself, will you be happy sticking it out? Is there a reason for trying? What end result are you hoping for? Rekindling the flame perhaps?

 

I was in a two year relationship and I wouldn't leave. I mean it got bad, but I wouldn't leave even though the relationship was going nowhere. Eventually I did, and it took all my strength, but I thank God I did it. So just ask yourself what's best for me? And what exactly am I holding onto? Am I afraid I'll never meet some one like this again? Some one who offers me the things I need? Do I fear being alone?

[lovelorcet]

ya know, as much as we laugh together and he's funny, we do have our problems. We don't always see eye to eye in regard to house stuff. He won't let me paint even tho he has no good reason not to except, wait until we get a better house, he won't let me buy a kitchen table because when we have a different house it might not match. The cleaning, he's always harping on me that I'm not productive like when I'm on the computer, even though he's going to archery the same night. It's a hobby. He says going to archery is productive tho, playing pac man on the computer isn't.

 

So we're not 100% great. It used to be a lot worse though when I first moved in, he used to get upset if I got crumbs on the counter. Basically I don't pick up after myself like I should.

 

I think he's a bit anal sometimes.

 

 

Way too immature; even more now then before do I stand by this.

 

You may not see eye to eye but come on your bf is working hard to plan a future with you and what are you doing? Trying to rationalize getting banged by george...

[nickilovespookie]

I'm not trying to rationalize getting whatever by George. Do happy couples compromise? Yes, do Bruce and I? Sometimes no, most of the time no. I'm trying to figure out one thing at a time. If I'm really happy with Bruce. These non-compromising things are never going to go away. He's not trying to "plan our future" sometimes I just feel like he's trying to be my Dad. Come on, the kitchen table matching the cupboards in this house and then the next house? Let's buy a neutral colored wood! Not letting me make improvements on the house like painting one wall in a room because why? Come on, what's the big deal.

 

Not too long ago, he bitched at me for buying a glass bottle of coke because we had cokes at home. I just liked the glass bottle really and thought it would be good tasting. I did have two other bottles at home (not glass) but what is the big deal?

 

I just get frustrated because it seems like more times than not it's Bruce's way or no way.

 

He's the type of guy that buys the same things at the grocery store every time and never switches it up, don't improve anything because it's not broken, etc. I just get a little annoyed by it.

[ElvenPriestess]

Way too immature; even more now then before do I stand by this.

 

You may not see eye to eye but come on your bf is working hard to plan a future with you and what are you doing? Trying to rationalize getting banged by george...

 

You know, I see a logic here. Not to be mean of course OP, I only have your best interest at heart, but if you REALLY think about this post, it makes sense.

 

When we try and justify doing something we don't know is right or wrong, we will sometimes dig for things unrelated in reality. What is being said here is that the issue of another man and little differences in the relationship are not related, but may be being used as an excuse to get out, leave, and go to the other man involved.

 

It is something to ask yourself. Are you digging for excuses to leave to the other man? Even if you did, remember that that one won't be perfect either. None are.

[nickilovespookie]

So basically if I have to dig for reasons to leave then in my heart I know it's not right?

 

But on the other side of it, what if George is just something to make me realize all these things and in the end, Bruce and I just aren't right for each other and I needed someone like George to see that?

 

No, really though Bruce really does make me feel crappy sometimes. Like playing on the computer the other night and saying how I'm not being productive. I work 40 hours a week and I two nights a week at a retail store, I think once in a while I can be non-productive.

 

I've literally asked him on a couple occasions if he thinks I'm a piece of **** because sometimes thats the way he makes me feel. Not as good as him. He works hard and then comes home and works hard some more. His idea of relaxing is on the weekends, going hunting and fishing and trapping, etc. Mine is to sometimes take a break and play pac man, even if it is during the week when he's being productive. Sometimes I just feel like he thinks I'm just lazy.

 

I actually asked him the other day if he's going to love me forever even if I am lazy. (Which I'm not but in his book, I am). He said, well, I would hope for a slight improvement.

 

Hmm.

[nickilovespookie]

Most all couples have little differences such as those. In my last two relationships I ALWAYS cleaned up after them, and it bugged me, but I just sucked it up and did it anyway.

 

Why did you break up?

[ElvenPriestess]

I completely think you guys have issues beyond the original post you made, but just be careful not to confuse the two you know what I mean?

[ElvenPriestess]

Why did you break up?

 

With the last one? He physically abused me. So, I know you're in a different situation then that thank God.

[nickilovespookie]

Yeah, I know what you mean.

 

Are these issues worth breaking up over? He's not going to change. And I'm not going to change either. We've talked about it a hundred times and it's always stayed the same.

[nickilovespookie]

I mean with the two guys that you always picked up after.

[Woggle]

He doesn't sound so great. He sounds like the male version of a nagging wife if you ask me. You work two jobs so if you want to play some video games in your spare time so what.

[ElvenPriestess]

I mean with the two guys that you always picked up after.

 

Yes I know, and what I'm telling you is I didn't leave over the minor things, they are what is accepted in the light of love. As in your case, you decide if you can or can not accept the small differences. I chose to accept.

 

What I'm telling you is that I leave over really big things, things that can NOT be worked out, things that are intolerable.

 

So can you live with these differences? Agree to disagree?

[nickilovespookie]

He doesn't sound so great. He sounds like the male version of a nagging wife if you ask me. You work two jobs so if you want to play some video games in your spare time so what.

 

 

I agree, I always tell him that he nags. I am so not the nagger in the relationship and I really don't want to be nagged.

 

I always thought he was so great because my last bf was completely useless so I was always thankful that Bruce wasn't like that but it's not so great. Him nagging me makes me want to do less. I don't know why.

 

I just don't know if that's something (along with other little things) to break up over.

 

I guess having feelings for someone else, wanting to be independent and all the little things is actually a big thing.

 

I just don't know. I keep going back and forth.

[nickilovespookie]

Another thing is marriage. I was always sure that we'd get married blah blah and he always pictured us going to Vegas or something like that. To me, him thinking of that is a little demeaning to me bc the reason he thought that is bc he doesn't want to spend a lot of money on a traditional wedding, church, dinner, etc.

 

I don't even know if I want to marry him anymore. The combo of all this, nagging, marriage, etc. just has me wondering lately. And then add George on top, it's too much.

 

I could see Bruce ending up living in a cabin way up north, no kids, no marriage and just being fine with it. Doing his hunting and fishing.

[nickilovespookie]

I would like to thank everyone that has posted anything regarding my issues. Thank you for taking the time to care about someone else's problems.

 

Anything about my last two posts?

[backspn]

If you are having doubts about your SO then he isnt the one. When you meet the right one you will know and you will love him for his faults not for what he does right. I have issues with some of my GFs faults but that why I adore her. When you find the right one you'll know. The other side of the coin is that just cause you've found the right one, he/she might not feel the same. Def Leppard once said Love Bites.

[CaliGuy]

I would like to thank everyone that has posted anything regarding my issues. Thank you for taking the time to care about someone else's problems.

 

Anything about my last two posts?

 

Honestly I think you're just young and still not sure of what you want in your life. Do whatever you feel you must, but I think you need to come clean with your boyfriend.

 

Put your own selfish needs aside and think about him and what he deserves. If you were in his position, wouldn't you want to know if someone you deeply loved thought of you this way?

 

I sure would.

 

Let him be free to find the one who truly loves him then you will be free to pursue this George guy. Maybe he is the one but you won't find out unless you first break it off with the current BF.

 

Granted, you stand a very good chance of losing him for life, but since you're already thinking this much about it, you might as well satisfy your curiosity.

[Sal Paradise]

I also sense the immaturity the other posters have brought up

 

The first half of the thread you spent telling us what a great guy he is. The last half you're going out of your way to trash him.

 

It sounds like to me that you didn't like the advice you were getting so you felt it necessary to repaint the impression everyone had of your bf. You wanted to take him off the pedestal in order to justify the actions you've committed and the ones you want to commit.

 

If you want to be with George leave your husband. It's as simple as that. You can't have both. You can't test drive one while the other sits in your driveway. Relationships do not work that way.

 

There are no guarantees in life or relationships. Will you regret leaving your boyfriend? Possibly. Will you regret not leaving? Possibly.

 

No relationship is going to maintain the beauty of discovery when you first meet the person. That's the classic mistake many cheaters find out the hard way. They fall in love with someone else because they remind them of the way they felt when they first met their SO. Then when it fades with the person they left their SO for they realize what an idiot they were. Will that happen with you? Possibly.

 

The truth is, I suspect this has little to do with George or your bf and has more to do with you being too young and immature to be in a long term relationship. Young people never want to hear that they're not ready for something. But the truth is most people are not ready to be a serious long term relationship at your age.

 

I would suggest breaking up with your bf and not getting into another long term relationship for a few years. Get to know yourself better before you get to know someone else long term.

[BentSpine]

Valarie, I don't blame or judge you. No one here should because isn't that what this whole thing is about? Getting advice without getting judged?

I have a friend who's husband is a loser and would let the car run out before he would put gas in it.

You say you don't advocate judging but when you happen to call someone a loser it's not judging, is it?

 

Back to your subject.

The problem IMO is that you first mentioned material things when decribing your partner. Instead I think it would been better for the relationship if you first had mentioned "We keep staring into each other's eyes with lust. Secondly, he makes me feel valued. I trust his good intentions."

 

You have listened to your head but your head doesn't take animal lust into consideration. The two different responses originate from different parts of the thinking apparatus.

Edited January 25, 2008 by BentSpine