Can you wait too long to get married?

[peytonthatsme]

I am a new user- have been checking out the boards and I have a situation I'd like input on if you would take the time to reply- thanks,

 

 

Do you think there is a problem in waiting TOO long to get married? I have been with my fiance for six years. We moved in together after only a year of dating- he bought a house and invited me to move in. He pays for the house, I pay the rest of our bills. We got engaged a year ago. When we first moved in I wanted to get engaged in the worst way- I wanted to get married and start a family after we'd been together 3 years. He was never ready- he'd been engaged before and that fiance left him. Was years before I met him and he'd dated women in between but still that was his reasoning. Well a year ago he decided he was ready and he proposed. My younger brother got married last year so I should be excited to get married but I'm not.

 

It seems that he waited too long. I love him. he is one of my best friends. We have an ok sex life and we do have fun when we spend time together. But that is not often. About three years ago he went from a 9-5 job to being an over the road truck driver with his dad. They travel together. It was an adjustment but I love him so I got used to it. It still bothers me that he's not home often and he has skills that he could use to find a job that would allow him to be home. He wants to have kids right after we get married and he is pushing me to set a date for this year! He would like to get married in August. He says that once we have a child he will get a regular job again (be home every day). Since he works all the time I have relied more on my friends and family for the things I need (Companionship, support etc) I barely need my fiance anymore. I hardly ever talk to him about problems, I dont really confide in him anymore.

 

I can go days without seeing him and it doesnt' bother me. I have asked him to get a different job or at least a local truck driving job if thats what he wants to do but he says his dad is getting older and wants to spend time with him. Well I want any father of my children to actually spend TIME with their kid so if we had kids I feel like my fiance's dad would still come first. I try not to get mad at him because I know he loves his dad and wants to spend time with him but sometimes I feel like throwing a tantrum and saying "What about ME??"

 

When he is home he will take me out to dinner and sometimes he is very sweet but normally we just sit and watch tv. Also I don't think we have much in common anymore- I guess in the early years I would try things because he liked them and vice versa. But for ex. my fiance loves skiing. I hate it. I've gone twice and both times were disastrous. I would try it again but I'd be perfectly happy if I never went skiing again. Also I love taking vacations- last summer my fiance, my family and I went to the ocean for a week. It was the most wonderful vacation ever. My family even commented that my fiance seemed like a totally different person- he was so relaxed and fun not having to work the whole week. Well I want to go more often and he throws a fit because he doesn't want to take off work.

 

I'm a good partner to him- I work full time but I keep our house spotless, I make him dinner every night he is home, pay our bills, do our grocery shopping, I keep myself in great shape, always willing to try new stuff in bedroom, I'm a good listener, try to be understanding etc. So Its not like I'm driving him away because I'm some nagging, lazy partner. he thinks everything is great, he says he is happy. But I'm not. I just feel like I dont' care anymore.

 

I don't know if I should leave him. I don't have anything better to go to. I'm comfortable with him and used to the life I have. I'm not restless so to speak- I just don't care one way or the other. I still love him, don't want anything bad to happen to him. but if he suddenly cheated on me or decided he no longer wanted to marry me, I don['t think it would bother me all that much. We've been through a lot together (we had some rough patches- in the beginning he cheated on me with an ex- well the lines were blurry because we just started dating and I thought we were exclusive and he didnt) and a few years ago he was flirting inappropriately with another ex.) I'm not trying to make him look bad just throwing out there some of the things we've been thru. But also he's been very supportive- I lost 3 close family members in the last 2 years and he's always been there for me.

 

So do you think there is a problem where we waited too long to take the next step and the spark just died?

[oneofakind]

Even though I don't post on loveshack much, I'm always reading posts and replies. One thing I do notice about some people that move in together before they get married is that it isn't a guarantee for marriage. Some guys may not feel it's necessary to get married after living with someone for so long. After all, living together is like marriage except without the commitment. This seems to be a fairly common thing, which is why I decided to post a reply. Just check out some of these posts all with similiar dilemmas:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t122445/

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t140523/

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t117914/

 

 

I would suggest talking to your boyfriend and asking him his views about marriage. After 6 years of being together, he should be pretty sure whether or not he wants to marry you. If he still has doubts, then I would move on and look for someone who wants marriage. I know it's easier said than done...but you deserve someone who wants the same things in your life as you do.

Edited January 25, 2008 by oneofakind

[peytonthatsme]

Even though I don't post on loveshack much, I'm always reading posts and replies. One thing I do notice about some people that move in together before they get married is that it isn't a guarantee for marriage. Some guys may not feel it's necessary to get married after living with someone for so long. After all, living together is like marriage except without the commitment. This seems to be a fairly common thing, which is why I decided to post a reply. Just check out some of these posts all with similiar dilemmas:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t122445/

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t140523/

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t117914/

 

 

I would suggest talking to your boyfriend and asking him his views about marriage. After 6 years of being together, he should be pretty sure whether or not he wants to marry you. If he still has doubts, then I would move on and look for someone who wants marriage. I know it's easier said than done...but you deserve someone who wants the same things in your life as you do.

 

 

thanks for replying but thats not the problem at all. We ARE engaged and HE is the one who wants to get married. I'm the one who has lost interest and am not sure I want to marry him. We got engaged and for years before we did I wanted to marry him in the worst way. But I think maybe we waited TOO long to get married and now I"m just not as into him as I used to be.

[oneofakind]

Sorry...I just re-read your article a second ago. I scimmed through it the first time...based on the title, I assumed you weren't engaged yet. But the information that I did give can still apply to your situation as far as living together and and waiting too long to get married. After 6 years, you should know by now whether or not you want to get married. Living together changes things...if you're comfortable with just living together but not getting married and he isn't, I would just say move on b/c you're not doing him any favors by sticking around.

[norajane]

It sounds like you two have disconnected, and a big part of that is his job. If someone isn't around, yeah, you get used to not having him around.

sometimes I feel like throwing a tantrum and saying "What about ME??"

 

I think you need to do this! Not necessarily throw a tantrum, but when you have discussions about his job, don't make it about children or his father, make it about the two of you and your relationship. Tell him that you have noticed that you two are growing apart further and further the longer he stays in his job, and that's making you less certain that you should get married. And that you really need him to consider making a change in his job situation because it is jeopardizing your relationship...otherwise you will never get to the having kids part because you are likely to drift so far apart that you break up and never get married. He needs to understand what is going on - you have to tell him because he doesn't get it.

 

It doesn't seem there is anything fundamentally wrong, although you have been together for a while and have NOT been feeding your relationship with romance and working to maintain intimacy. You can get the spark back, but both of you have to work at it. And that starts by being honest with him that his being away is a problem for your relationship.

[Walk]

Peytonthatsme: Wow, I can really identify with some of what you wrote in your post. My fiance drove over the road for nearly 2 years and I had the exact same compliants you have now. It is HARD to be in a relationship with someone who isn't around much. And with a partner who drives over the road, he's hardly ever home (or so it seems). Then when he does come home, he's wore out, doesn't want to leave the house, doesn't really want to do much of anything. Its frustrating because you want to go out, have fun, laugh and be a couple while he's home.... but its not like that.

 

There is a huge disconnect that happens when your SO drives long haul. Not only because he's gone so much, but the way he acts while home. Have you ever been on one of their runs? My fiance took me several years ago, and it is exhausting. I didn't even have to do any work, but I was so born weary tired from just 2 days that all I did when I got home was sit on the couch and veg. It really opened my eyes to how draining and mind numbing the job is. (even when there is someone there to talk to)

 

I'm not trying to say how you feel isn't appropriate or anything. I know how you feel, and the lifestyle sucks A$$!! You are justified in feeling the way you do. You need to talk to your fiance about how you feel. But make sure that when you do, that you've tried to experience things from his perspective. Attacking him for doing something he wants to do isn't going to change the situation. Expressing your concern while being supportive of his choices will help.

 

Your fiance chose to do this because its important to him. I assume seeing you lose 2 close family members made him realize how important family is to him. He has an opportunity to feel needed by, and connected to, his father. This won't last forever, you should know that better then most.

 

Tell your fiance how you feel, then offer some solutions. Daily phone calls, planning little get aways that were shorter in duration (1 day vs 3-4 days). There are a lot of ways you can help to reconnect the two of you, it just takes some comprimises on both of your parts.

 

Last thing... You have a great opportunity right now. Be a little selfish and spend this "free" time on improving yourself. Is there anything you've wanted to do just for you? Maybe that's getting more education, or learning a new hobby or interest? Learn to play an instrument, write the next great novel, join a sports team, train for and run a 5k race, spend more time with your family, etc. You won't get this opportunity again, unless your actually single. But right now, you have all the free time you could want, a man who loves you deeply, and you don't have to worry about paying a mortgage (just regular bills). When your fiance does get an 8-5 job, and you two have kids, there won't be time for "you" any more.

 

last last thing... this won't last forever. This situation right now. Life always changes. Always.

[hippyvic]

I moved in with my boyfriend last August after a year and a half together and marriage has been talked sbout but seeing as we have both been to hell and back in our previous marriages, we are in no hurry to get married. I don't think a marriage shows lifelong commitment. I don't think there is a set time limit on when you should get married, just do what feels right for you, Peace x

[Ronni_W]

It could be that you've both gotten onto different pages of needs and priorities.

 

It's possible that your fiance would find himself with similar thoughts and feelings as your own, if he allowed himself the time/emotion to think about such things. He likely has become similarly "distant and independent" from your actual relationship.

 

I don't think it's fair or accurate to assume that your future dad-in-law will take precedence over your kids. But there is some skewed thinking in what is motivating your fiance to give up such a big part of his life and relationship for his dad, now.

 

Recognizing that it sounds like an unreasonable demand, I'd be tempted to want to go back to living together-together for 6 or 12 months -- as in, home together most nights -- BEFORE setting a wedding date and starting a family.

 

Your concerns do sound legitimate -- not that you're just throwing a tantrum or nagging or anything like that. If it is true that the spark has died and cannot be revived (though I'm not saying it has or has not), you both may as well find that out...and I can't see how to do that if he continues to be on the road for most of the time.

 

There's also no time for couples' counseling or his individual counseling, the latter which may help him untangle his priorities and true adult obligations to his dad (and/or any other family members.)

Edited January 31, 2008 by Ronni_W

[hustava]

I'm a good partner to him- I work full time but I keep our house spotless, I make him dinner every night he is home, pay our bills, do our grocery shopping, I keep myself in great shape, always willing to try new stuff in bedroom, I'm a good listener, try to be understanding etc.

 

 

......................................................................................

 

If I did all that stuff to make a man happy, I'd start to get sick of him too. Part of being a good partner is saying, hun I'm tired, YOU should make dinner some nights. YOU should do some of the shopping. What does staying in shape have anything to do with anything? A good relationship should be based on communication, respect, and compatibility. Trying new stuff in the bedroom doesn't make you a more valuable partner. YOU are valuable because of who you are, not because of the stuff you do around the house or in bed.

[Walk]

What does staying in shape have anything to do with anything? A good relationship should be based on communication, respect, and compatibility. Trying new stuff in the bedroom doesn't make you a more valuable partner. YOU are valuable because of who you are, not because of the stuff you do around the house or in bed.

She's intrinsically valuable because she breathe's? Is that your concept? A person is not valuable just because they exist, they determine their value to others based on what they DO. The only people who will ever love you based solely on your existence are your parents.

 

Staying in shape for your partner shows the desire to keep his attention. It isn't the actual shape of the partner, its the desire, the effort, the idea of working to please another person. Just like trying new stuff in the bedroom. Whether the person achieves perfection isn't the determining force behind whether a person should be valuable. But someone who is willing to put effort into doing the things you would like does increase their value to you. Someone who is ambivalent or disinterested in putting forth the effort to do things you enjoy won't stay in your life.

 

So yes, you're right... she is valuable based solely on her existence as a human being. But that means squat when it comes to a relationship. You're valuable to others because of your actions. Those actions are determined by who you are, but the effort, hard-work, determination to do those actions are what determine a persons value in the eyes of others. NOT just because you breathe.

 

Would this concept have any merit if you applied it toward work? "Hey, I showed up. Pay me." Hell, even showing up would be effort and work, so I guess the equivalent of "YOU are valuable because of who you are" would be like demanding Microsoft pay you just because you were born.

 

This woman's problem isn't that she needs to do less.. her problem is she needs more from her partner then he's giving her. He isn't giving her the actions to demonstrate his value to her in a way that will keep her in the relationship. Right now, he's valuable as a person... not so valuable as a partner.