Getting Over Betrayal

[JackhammerGemma]

I found texts on my boyfriend's phone indicating there is someone else he's been seeing besides me, and he admitted it when I confronted him. He says he's only seen her a handful of times and didn't have sex with her. I can only go by what he says since I didn't catch him in the act. I gave him 3 choices: One, we break up and don't speak anymore. Two, stay together and try to work things out (minus the other girl or anyone else). Three, see other people and each other (open relationship). He said #3 wouldn't work for him and he doesn't want to lose me so he picked #2.

 

I can't get to sleep at night, I keep waking up when I finally do, and my heart pounds out of my chest every time I think of what happened and how betrayed I feel. I have lost my appetite and I'm losing too much weight. Unfortunately I have lost myself in him and no longer find joy in anything I used to do before. I lived my life for the next time I'd see him and that was my only happiness. It's a struggle just for me to get up, shower, and go to work in the morning because I'm so depressed. People tell me get up and do something, anything. Go out with friends, join a book club. I have no desire for any of that. I can't make myself. I'm even depressed while out shopping. That being said, if my bf and I broke up I would be in the same boat because I love him so damn much and I don't want it to end. I used to be the kind of girl who would walk away from a guy for lesser reasons. Now all of a sudden I'm a jellyfish because I'm in love. Or something. Dysfunctionally attached is probably more appropriate.

 

What does it take for you to get over someone cheating on you and continue with the relationship? Can the trust ever come back? If so how? What does the other person need to do to show they can be trusted, other than just saying they can be trusted?

[zilverenvlinder]

I seriously know how you feel sweety, and I feel for you. I am going through the same thing, seven months later. You may temporarily let it go, but you will never forget. I promise, you will never, ever forget this.

 

Isn't it funny? You can forgive the person you love for just about anything! You can forgive them for accidentally running over your beloved pet with their car. You can forgive them for forgetting your birthday and you can forgive them for calling you names. You can forgive them for hating your family. But you just cannot forgive betrayal.

 

I have many friends and experiences with this, myself included, and no one has ever truly forgiven and forgotten.

 

You can think to yourself "This hurts now, but it will go away in six months/a year because I love him so much".

 

But I'm sorry. It won't. I wish I could tell you (and myself!) differently. But even if you push this away as a repressed memory, years from now you will be married and checking his emails and phone and basically stalking him trying to find out what he's doing. It will cause you more stress and anxiety than you can imagine!

 

I know, I'm there. I wish I could go back seven months ago and overcome all of my feelings of "love and attachment" and replace them with respect for myself. I have a year-long lease and I don't have the money to break it. I also have sabotaged my friendships and he is all that I have left...something I could have corrected so long ago.

 

Please make the right decision. I hope you will. I know how it feels, exactly. I was actually online when I found out, through emails. The things I read are going to be etched in my mind forever. And I'm sure those texts will be in yours as well.

 

If you ever need to talk to me, please feel free to pm me, I need some help some times just like you will.

 

<3 z

[backspn]

I know how you both feel. I was cheated on by my ex wife, Im only 37. I tried to forgive her and we tried to work it out for a year but the past caught up to me and I couldnt live with it anymore. I wish there was an easy way out but there isnt. You may forgive him now but you wont forget and in time will eat you up. I wish both of you the best. Its tough times, I lost 25 pounds and many sleepless nights..

[Lee725]

I gave him 3 choices: One, we break up and don't speak anymore. Two, stay together and try to work things out (minus the other girl or anyone else). Three, see other people and each other (open relationship). He said #3 wouldn't work for him and he doesn't want to lose me so he picked #2.

 

Don't mean to sound harsh but you should have taken option No.1.

Yes you will hurt and you will suffer the way you are now, but i can assure you that the path you are taking right now is just going to be a longer more destructive path to option 1 anyway.

 

This is affecting you so deeply that i doubt that any length of time is going to allow you to heal & maintain a relationship with him.

 

The strength required to overcome infidelity in a relationship is monumental & i for one lack both the strength & desire to maintain a relationship with a cheater.

[backspn]

I always go back to the old saying "once a cheater, always a cheater". Thats why I left most of all.

[Sal Paradise]

You shouldn't have given him a choice. You should have just left the loser.

[Pikaia]

Wow, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know how difficult it is, because guess what! I'm in the exact same situation as you. My boyfriend cheated on me with this girl he met online. They started to spend a lot of time together, talking on messengers, phone and eventually meeting in person. He asked me what I thought about them meeting and I told him the truth. I was uncomfortable with it. He did it anyway, while assuring me and making promises that nothing would happen. I believed him. Needless to say, he ended up sharing a kiss with her and developed feelings for both her and me. He put me in such a horrible predicament. For a solid month, I couldn't eat or sleep... I was devastated. We talked for a while after and we decided to get back together when he apologized and told me what a huge mistake he had made. This was six months ago. Ever since then, he has been wonderful. He has spent all this time making it up to me. We are much more communiative then we were before. We try to make an effort to make sure both of us are happy and feel secure.

 

On the other hand, he is a huge flirt and continues to flirt. He talks to a lot of girls and I try to trust him. He hasn't given me any reason to doubt him at this point.... but I am still very paranoid and suffer from anxiety attacks once in a while because I am afraid he's going to leave me. I know it's because I'm still not over what has happened.

 

I guess you have to make a choice on whether you can attempt to put the situation behind you and truly forgive him. Some people have a hard time doing this. If you're boyfriend is truly sorry for what he has done, he will support you and understand that you are going to feel this way for a while. It takes time to heal. I mean, it's been six months and yes, I'm usually okay.. but when that twinge of paranoia hits- it's really hard for me to get past it. Luckily, My boyfriend and I talk about it. He is supportive and understands exactly why I get that way.

 

I think you should, if you haven't already, tell your boyfriend exactly how you feel. Getting it off your chest may help some...

 

The only way you can learn to truly trust him again is through time, through his actions. Words don't mean much, because anybody can say their sorry..

 

I wish you the best of luck..

[THE THRONE]

Why did you give him options?

[JenniiMichelle]

I feel like Im in a pretty similiar situation to you. I found out my boyfriend was talking to his ex girlfriend, I found this out in october because I had a feeling so i got a keylogger and got into his myspace, there was a picture of them together and he told her shes so beautiful, I found out the picture was when he took her to meet his mom and her cousin and other people was there so I forgave him and thought he was only friends with her. He promised on his moms graves, there were tears and everything, he swore on his life, he swore to god, and I believed him Over the past couple of months he has obviously been more careful, but occasionally she would call my phone and I would be the one to answer later at night and she would hang up. He said shes just calling because she wants to talk to him, but a couple of days ago I got naked pictures from her, and I got I threatened to get phone records so he confessed that hes seen her this year and that there were other pictures. Hes been begging me for another chance because Im pregnant and he wants to be a family. But I know I cant trust him.

 

I would say that you can either accept that he will cheat on you, and be together, or you find somebody else. I want to find someone else, it has only been only been a couple of days since I found out, and hes been trying to convince me so much that he wont do it again, but I feel so stupid for believing him before, I dont wanna do that again. I dont feel like doing anything either. and were gonna find a baby.

 

At least your not pregnant and you can find someone else!

[Spoonandfork22]

first of all dont ever let a man be the one who brings you happiness. woman cant live their lives like this! you need to have self worth, a seperate life. i know its so easy to fall head over heels in love and want to be around that person all the time...i know this...my bf is my best friend! but we take nights off and times apart, we have diff. hobbies and even diff. night spots we go to with diff. friends. Its essential to a relaitonship that you spend some time apart.

 

That being said, you may need to take some time apart from your boyfriend to analyze everything that has happened. he needs to let you have your space and let YOU call the shots. he shouldnt be the one with options right now...YOU SHOULD! if you dont give yourself that time to think you arent going to heal. i went through a bought of mistrust with my bf and we never took that essential time apart. because of that it took me roughly a year to truly forgive and start the healing. granted, we have never been better but that time that i had to take out to sort everthing out was hell. my heart broke over and over as i trusted him then distrusted him. it was an emotional rollercoaster that i tried to get off more than one time.

 

you need to ask him where his heads at right now. if hes honest about not talking to this girl, if he needs some time apart. and even if he doesnt, i think for BOTH OF YOU, you should take the time out. this is a very hard thing to go at together in the beginning.

[dreamergrl]

I found out the hard way that even though you may have thought you forgave him for something, in the end that's not always the case.

I forgave my recent ex for WAY TO MUCH - and I ended being cold towards him, and unloving. I sat down and wrote about why I was feeling so angry since no recent actions had happened to cause anger, and it was built up anger.

[Florida]

I found texts on my boyfriend's phone indicating there is someone else he's been seeing besides me, and he admitted it when I confronted him. He says he's only seen her a handful of times and didn't have sex with her.

 

Wow, that is so great, he lied to you but didn't have sex with her! Cheaters only tell as much as they think you can handle. Why didn't you leave him the moment you found out?

 

 

That is a choice you made. If I was you I would assume a lot more happened. You WANT to believe nothing else happened. Who cares if it was a breast grope, a kiss, or oral sex? The moment it happened your relationship should have been ended by you.

 

So-it's not as bad if he just fingered her? Put his hand under her bra? I'm sure cheaters love to have GF's that forgive based on 2nd or 3rd base but not homerun!!

 

 

I gave him 3 choices: One, we break up and don't speak anymore. Two, stay together and try to work things out (minus the other girl or anyone else). Three, see other people and each other (open relationship). He said #3 wouldn't work for him and he doesn't want to lose me so he picked #2.

 

Why?? Is this something "the one" would do to you? Is he the last man in the world for you? He isn't, you know.

 

I can't get to sleep at night, I keep waking up when I finally do, and my heart pounds out of my chest every time I think of what happened and how betrayed I feel. I have lost my appetite and I'm losing too much weight. Unfortunately I have lost myself in him and no longer find joy in anything I used to do before.

 

Nobody is worth this. Welcome to what your life would be like for as long as you TRY to forgive him.

 

I lived my life for the next time I'd see him and that was my only happiness. It's a struggle just for me to get up, shower, and go to work in the morning because I'm so depressed. People tell me get up and do something, anything. Go out with friends, join a book club. I have no desire for any of that. I can't make myself. I'm even depressed while out shopping. That being said, if my bf and I broke up I would be in the same boat because I love him so damn much and I don't want it to end. I used to be the kind of girl who would walk away from a guy for lesser reasons. Now all of a sudden I'm a jellyfish because I'm in love. Or something. Dysfunctionally attached is probably more appropriate.

 

It is like you are mourning a break up, yet still see him every day.

 

What does it take for you to get over someone cheating on you and continue with the relationship? Can the trust ever come back? If so how? What does the other person need to do to show they can be trusted, other than just saying they can be trusted?

 

It won't work. I know you won't listen to this, but you should really leave this behind. Once he cheated, it will never work.

 

Oh-unless you don't mind stuffing all your feelings, becoming a ghost of your former self, submissive, and dead inside. Why why why would you do that voluntarily?

 

He will do it again to you.

 

Studies show a cheater will only treat the next partner differently, if even then.