Does it ever happen? Can she come back to me?

[RogueK]

I'm 27 and i just lost the person i love the most. I don't want this to be huge so i'll give you the quick specifics.

 

I am stupid. She wanted to marry me but i wasn't ready. She wanted stability and i didn't give her much promise. Yet in our 5 years together i've decided that she is the one i want to be with. I'm just afraid i think. I was afraid of making the wrong decision. I wanted to be 100% sure that it would work..i see too much of relationships not working and i just wanted to be sure.

 

We began fighting and i was too proud to just put a stop to things and tell her how much she means to me. She has a son also whom is 7 from a previous relationship. I've been in his life since he was 2 and i don't want to give him up either. He worships me and loves to spend time with me.

 

Just recently we talked and she decided it would be best if we don't talk anymore. She broke up and i moved out over 3 weeks ago and have been trying my damndest to get back with her since. However it's the whole "I believe you but it's just too late, i lost faith in us".

 

I can't imagine my life without her. I'm trying to move on but it hasn't been long. I know she's decided to see someone else, although i don't know how serious it is i do believe it's what's helping her cope with things.

 

She says "ofcourse is till love you". She said "I miss you and think about you everyday but i believe this is right". I sent her a huge email telling her everything i should have and what i believe. You have to understand it can/should have worked. I just didn't have my head out of my ass. I do now and if i am given the chance again i KNOW it can work. She doesn't see it though. We talked and talked and i just didn't listen at the time i guess. I also didn't think it would come to this but like i said i'm stupid. I hate myself for it knowing i'm the reason for my pain.

 

My question is have i lost her forever? She believes things are right. She feels we won't make each other happy but i KNOW she thinks that only because of my faults. If i had asked her a year ago to marry me she would have said yes but i told her i'm not ready for it.

 

Is there a chance that i'm not completley forgotten? She's moving on with this new person and with breaking off all communication with me but is that it? We should be together..it's just ALL my fault and i'd give my life to show her and prove to her i'm sorry. I know it's late but i don't know what else to do.

 

Is there a chance that maybe in the future she'll want to try it again? I can't lose her.

[yagottahelp]

It seems that you have your mind made up as to what you want, which is good.......but you also have to understand she has a herself and a son she needs to care for, and is probably protecting both.......

 

I think that your best bet is to let her know you love her, and it seems you already have. Back off for some time, i know it's impossible, be friendly, don't bring up a relationship, it may take weeks, it may take months, it might not happen, but regardless, she won't believe you until you prove it.

 

Go be yourself a little, she knows you care, let things cool off, then try something in a few months i would say

[RogueK]

During the course of the relationship i broke up and got back with her a few times. It's taken me too long and i know that but i've needed these five years to find out whom i am. I know now and i know i love her dearly.

 

I've made soo many mistakes and i've hurt her i know. We'd fight over stupid things and my pride would get in the way for us to make up. There was a time when she would do ANYTHING for me. She believed in us wholeheartedly and i've gone and done this to us. I couldn't possibly regret more.

 

I know now what i want and that she needs security and to know we are a family. I hate the fact i know all this now but i also have figured out in all of this why she left me. I denied it for a while but i have finally come to grips with the fact she feels it's not going to work.

 

I wish i would have figured myself out sooner but that isn't what happened. I know she's dating and i hope she is happy but i know her and i can work.

 

She's broken off ALL contact with me and completely feels this is the right decision and in the long run her and i will be happy without each other. I want to put ALL of these facts out there so when i ask is that it? Is it over forever? Does a woman's mind ever go back? you'll be able to answer me honestly.

 

The truth is had i felt the way i do now, but then. I wouldn't be typing this now and it eats me up.

[yagottahelp]

It's normal to feel regret, you aren't alone, hindsight is definately 20/20. I can't say if she'll definately come back around, I can't say she definately won't either, no body can. If it's any consolation, I do know girls sometimes, not always, sometimes have a tendancey to say things that can change-

 

I always say they are fickle. One month they hate you, the next your friends, a month after that you're back together. I think what you need to do is continue to improve yourself, don't go date anyone else necessarily at this point, but start healing yourself. If she comes around and really wants to talk, then excellent, if not-at least you aren't waiting your entire life.

 

You've figured out what you want at least now, and if someone would come along, you have yourself figured out to the point where yuo can make good on your mistakes, and that's a great thing to know.

[RogueK]

A part of me is afraid of moving on. As if that means i have to forget about her or something. I know i can move on and that it doesn't mean i'll forget, but i don't want to lose this feeling. I'm also afraid they will never go away and i'll always dwell on what could have been.

I know it's something i need to think about but the thought right now that i'll need to move on and find that "something" with someone else seems so impossible. The feelings, thoughts, concerns and ideas i've shared with her over our time together is so precious to me.

She has shut off ALL SORTS of communication with me. What does that mean? Is there still a chance that she thinks about me and misses things even though she made these choices, is dating someone else and has told me goodbye? I wish and can't believe there is nothing i can do, but everyday i go on till the next day begins.

It just hurts so much.

[yagottahelp]

I know how you feel, i have before too, you think that giving up is telling yourself you don't care, when you know you do.......if that makes any sense.

 

Unfortunately, I know it hurts, i'm not saying it's fair, you've been dealt cards that she is controlling. No matter what you want, she has to want it too, there are a ton of chances. Surrouind yourself with good family and friends, and push through day to day, stay busy, the sting will at least ease off, and you'll be able to go day to day instead of being so incredibly upset

[RogueK]

True. And i know this. I also know the regret feelings are all a part of the process, but the basic fact that kills me is i feel so alone. I was once a part of something huge and i destroyed it. Now my only salvation is the hope that some day there's a fraction of a chance i may be able to prove myself.

 

That is hopefully she hasn't found someone else before that.

 

But that is what happens when your head is in the clouds and not focused on the one you love.

[RogueK]

I know it's Saturday night and i can pretty much bet my "ex" whom i love dearly and whom could have been my wife had i asked her not that long ago untill things went bad is with her "new man" right now.

 

And no doubt in the bed i called home for over two years.

 

Man. It hurts so much. I just hope she still thinks of me and us. She has to be alone at some point. I can't help but wonder what she thinks about.

[yagottahelp]

I think that your best bet is to keep busy. If you continue to sit around and worry, you will drive yourself crazy, literally crazy. I know it's going to be on your mind for quite some mind, but for your own good, go do something, go to Wal Mart even, get some groceries, just something, anything to take up a few hours-keep doing hta,t it'll all add up.

[RogueK]

This forum has been the most help i've found yet.

 

I'm confident that it will end at some point. I'm hopefull anyway.

 

It still hurts when you know you could have had a happy future with someone and right now to fill the void you once made she's found someone else. And only a week after it ended

 

Don't get me wrong. I'm not dwelling - at least i'm doing my best not to. It just hurts.

[blagro]

I know how you are feeling. I had dated a girl for almost nine years and thought that I was ready to marry her back in the fall. I bought a ring and she was ready for me to give it to her. She started to put a lot of pressure on me and I didn't feel comfortable so I backed away from the relationship. It hurt her tremendously that I wasn't able to give her the ring. We had also broken up and gotten back together a bunch of times before.

 

We still hung out and did things together up until two months ago when she met someone else and told me that I couldn't talk to her anymore. It hurt very much because deep down I am still in love with her. There hasn't been a day over the past two months that I haven't thought about what I did and how I wish I could have done things differently. She got fed up with my inability to commit to her and decided to move on. All I can tell you to do is to try and keep busy. I try not to be at home so much and I work out, run, hike, do whatever to take my mind off of her being with some other guy. Another good thing to do is go to counseling. I have started to go and have found out more about myself than I ever thought. I am determined to become a better person and make my next relationship work.

 

I figure that her and I will never be together again and I regret not giving her the ring because I now know what my true feelings are and am in a better place in my life. So right now I am just taking it day by day, hanging with my friends, and keeping busy. Love works in strange ways. Who knows you might meet someone who you will love even more than her and will be ready for that committment.

[RogueK]

I've posted in here about my ex and me wanting her back.

 

It's been about a month now since she finally broke it off with me. She started dating someone a week after it happened and eventually she told me that she want's all communication from me to stop and that i need to move on and get over her.

 

I've been doing whatever i can to heal from this and try to move on.

 

She then called me about her child and was wondering if i wanted to still see him since during our 5 years together him and i grew a bond with one another. Then during these emails discussing him i let it slip that i'm seeing someone. I suppose i said it (it's not true) because i didn't want her to think i was using him to try and get her back. I mean i hoped it would do something but because of advice in this forum i decided to let it go and just spend the time with him that i wanted.

 

She then asked if this was something that i was going to be able to "commit" to or if it was just going to fade into nothing. I emailed her back saying that i'm not sure what she's asking that i'll be there and that i'll try and spend as much time with him as i can but that eventually i'll have to break ties..for him and for me.

 

She didn't like that and said "well if you're not going to be able to commit to this then forget it". I mean, i'm not with her..she's told me that we'll never be together again and breaks off all contact, then emails me about her son and when i respond "yes" she tells me to forget it.

 

Then i get a couple emails after that. These are now responding to the fact that i mentioned i was with someone. Now i want you to note the sentence i "mentioned" it said "Right now you and i are with other people and at some point i'm going to have to break ties with him". Well apparently the entire thought of me being with someone else is something she can't handle. She emailed me..get this..saying (exact words): "Oh and thank you for letting me know that i've been replaced".

 

WHAT THE ****? I'd die to be back with her. I mean had a few things been different there is a good chance that she would have become my wife. Now she breaks up with me (it was my fault for the break up though), becomes cold over the whole thing and tells me to move on, then when it sounds like i have she gets all upset saying that i've "REPLACED HER"? How can she even use those words? She took herself out of my life.

 

She then sent me emails about how she never wanted to hurt me (although it feels like that's ALL she's wanted to do..found someone else, told me not to call her, etc) and that she doesn't understand why i'm saying things that hurt her.

 

She said

 

"I think you've become angry and maybe a little bitter towards me and i don't want that to continue because i would never feel that way toward you".

 

And then in the SAME EMAIL..towards the end says:

"Maybe you are okay with things now but i guess i'm still not".

 

WHAT THE ****? She tells me to go away and now she doesn't feel okay about things?

 

I found it weird how at first it seemed like ALL she wanted was to know if i wanted to be around her son...and that her and i have to keep our personal feelings aside. I do that and then ALL THE EMAILS became were personal feelings about each other.

 

I then decided that i couldn't take it. I would be up at school and i would have my hotmail account open hitting refresh constantly waiting for her to email me again. I couldn't take it because it is effecting my school work and decided to send her an email saying that i don't know what's going on but if she is having doubts about her decision then she needs to do something about it, otherwise we need to go our seperate paths and never look back. I then told her that i'm putting her email account on "block" from mine.

 

Believe me this was a HARD, HARD decision to do. I just don't know what she was proving to do by showing me all of this emotion - feelings toward me when she's said it won't happen.

 

I thought that was it but then that night she called me.

 

We talked for a long time but to give you the base of it all she asked me about her son again and asked if it was true that i was with someone. I told her the truth. The truth being that no i'm not with anyone but that there is this girl that wants me to ask her out (a fact). I said that i didn't because i'm not sure if i'm ready to do that or not. I mean i'm still in love with my ex and i feel it just wouldn't be right for me to get into a relationship with someone while i had feelings for another (unlike her apparently).

 

She confessed to me that she still has thoughts of us being together. She said that she "missed how i hold on to her", and "misses the times we had".

 

Then she told me that she still loves me. Matter of fact when we were getting off of the phone i said "I love you" (and mind you i said it not expecting the same thing back) then she said "I love you too". Now the facts are i have her email on block still and she calls me up confessing all of these feelings she has for me and PROBABLY would have had me over there that night if it weren't for the fact she's dating someone and she doesn't believe in cheating. And because of all of this i asked her that if this was it if this call was..."it". She took a moment then said "You'll probably hear from me again".

 

She has broken it off with me and has had EVERY OPPURTUNITY to stay away. I have not made her email me and i never even implied she needed to call me that night (which was tuesday night) when she did. She tells me she still loves me, misses me and still thinks of us getting together...AFTER she's told me it's finished and i need to move on. All of this because suddenly she feels she isn't over this.

 

SO great. I woke up the next morning thinking of all of it wondering when the next time exactly is that she wants to get a hold of me.

 

I decided to send another email in regards to the whole thing. Basically it said that this is not fair and that she needs to make a decision. My guess is that she's confused and doesn't know what she want's to do. I told her that if she is serious about being with this guy and not being with me then she needs to let me know and break it off before i lose my sanity. I said that if she misses me and want's to be back with me then she needs to be honest with him, break it off, and her and i can then work on our future.

 

I can't go on like this. I love her so much and miss everything about her. She confessed that i've been her "best friend" for so long and misses me because of it. We've confided so much to each other during our time together and i find that all precious. I'm willing to fight for her but if she truly has NO INTENTIONS of getting back with me she needs to say so. If she still wants to be with me she needs to end it with him. I don't think this is rocket science. It's almost like she wants her cake and eat it too.

 

I don't know what she has going on with him but i can't see how it can possibly last considering she pretty much started dating him to help get over me and make it easier for her to break up with me. Now it seems like she's doubting it all since she misses and loves me. If you don't have feelings or thoughts of being with someone you just DON'T CALL THEM AND TELL THEM YOU LOVE THEM STILL.

 

So i sent her that email and she never called me last night. I could be wrong but i'm assuming it's because she wasn't "alone" last night.

 

So here i sit torn. Seeing a possibility that we can be a family again when there wasn't even a chance a week ago. She's really a good person and i know is hesitant to be with me because she's afraid our relationship will go back the way things were (her words). It's just going through this i've realized what her and her son mean to me. I was stupid but know what i did that was wrong. I've told her how sorry i am that i hurt her in the stupid arguments we got in and in making her feel sad when i should have been making her happy. All that is in the past now however. I know you can't make someone come back to your or be in love with you, but she's confessed to both. This guy is a mistake for her. She obviously has feelings toward me. She's only been with this guy for about a month and i can't seeing it being that sturdy of a relationship if she still thinks of me everyday.

 

What should i do? She hasn't responded to my email - although she might have but i still have her on block for the sake of school. I told her it would be better if she called me instead. I know i have a risk of still losing her if i push too hard but you have to understand i'm on this horrible emotional rollercoaster. As soon as i find time to heal from my loss it's as if she finds a way back into my life. IF it's true she doesn't know what she wants how do i convince her of my thoughts that i KNOW things won't ever be the way they were.

 

I mean she would have married me had i asked. What am i to do? Wait for her to call? Should i call her? I want her back more than anything, but if it isn't going to happen i can't have her contact me at all. I've said all of this to her and find it funny that when i said in my email that if you aren't sure of the decision you've made that you need to do something about it - and she calls me.

[RogueK]

I finally got up enough nerve to call her at work. She said that she responded to my emails but that i must not have gotten them due the the block.

 

I asked her if taking me back was something she was seriously considering. That if not then i need to know.

 

She said yes it was.

 

I asked her if she needed space to think about things and she said "yes that's what i need". She's gone from "it will never happen" to "i need time to think about it".

 

Her sister's wedding is this weekend and she's taking "him" to it as her guest. He's going to get every oppurtunity to meet her family and friends. I asked her if she loved him and she gave me a slight laugh and said "no".

 

I'm heartbroken that he's going to be able to spend time with her at that wedding. That should have been our night together.

 

She said she needed time to think but then added that i "shouldn't wait for her". Well what the **** am i supposed to do now? I asked her what amount of time is she going to need and she said that she didn't know.

 

How can you be with someone and yet still love someone else?

 

I know she's afraid that things will go back to how they were if she decides to get back with me. I spent my time telling her that she means everything to me and i take this as seriously as i do school. That i don't want things to go the way they did MORE than she doesn't.

 

The wedding is Saturday. Expect me to post here because i am going to be more depressed then ever.

[Cpunch75]

hey man, I hear ya....

I think youre going nuts worrying about the outcome of what will happen. You said your piece, she said hers. But you are the one who is more desperate to get back with her because you messed up being with her. If she can't handle you the way you are, how is she going to handle you if you get back together. I also see that the behavior you displayed to her in getting back with her is consistent with the way you behaved before. Don't you think that maybe this JUST won't work out?

 

She already has a guy on her side as it is and as soon as you tell her that you are moving on and seeing another person, she gets all jealous. this girl is a B*&ch, excuse me, but she views men as leeches, she doesn't have to worry about having a guy because she can just pick the next one in line. She is taking pleasure in your misfortune, and is DRAGGING YOU and you don't even know it. this is her payback.

 

Toss her out man, her games aren't worth it.

 

pUnch

[Sunflower]

Hi RogueK I read through all your comments and wanted to chip in my two cents. It just struck a major personal chord within me so I hope my comments will help.

 

This woman loves you. To Cpunch 75 I can totally see how you could interpret her as a someone who's playing games with Rogue, but from personal experience, I think her attempts to cut contact with you, asking you not to call her etc, severing ALL ties, is her way of protecting herself, to rid herself of the hurt she feels in the fact that she loved you so much she wanted to marry you, but you were just "not ready." It's so hard to accept the fact that perhaps you love someone more than they love you, that you are not on the same page. I think she felt extremely vulnerable, and your answer was probably not what she wanted to hear at all.

 

Over the past two years I have had guys tell me "I am not ready for a relationship, I am not ready to commit" only to be strung along, used for physical pleasure, put on the side, you name it. And so believe me, I have a serious complex about those words, and it seems in your case you just wanted to be cautious and careful and thinking of both your interests and hers, to make sure the relationship won't lead to heartbreak. But sometimes it's really hard to believe that. And you wonder if the guy is ever ever gonna commit. She didn't want to wait around for something that might never happen. She wanted to find someone who would take those steps to commitment because he loved her and wanted to be with her. For sure.

 

"If she still wants to be with me she needs to end it with him. I don't think this is rocket science. It's almost like she wants her cake and eat it too."

I don't think it's the cake and eating it too situation. She obviously loves YOU, but at the same time, you haven't moved the relationship to where she wants it. She wants to be with you, but at the same time she realizes things may just never progress. Then of course she needs to move on, and find someone who will move forward.

 

I think her wordplay, "thinking about it, dont wait for me,"is still a way for her to protect herself, which leads to major miscommunication I know, but it's hard to put your cards out on the table. I am going to say this again, but she loves you. She wants to be with you. She's being very indirect about it, and is probably expecting you to pick up on her signals without her having to lay it out all crystal clear and be in a vulnerabe position again, but I really think this is the case. It was a blow to her when you told her you weren't ready when she said she wanted to marry you. That's really tough to take in.

 

I think the only way to get her back, the answer she is waiting for, is when you tell her that you are ready to commit to her 100%. To her and her son. That was why she was so angered when you were wishy washy again to even making time for her son. In a way I think it was her way of testing where you stood with HER. The whole commitment thing. Thus, emails of course being personal things between you two.

 

Yes she took herself out of your life, but deep down she wanted to you to keep taking those steps to her and commitment. And I know it's unfair to you in a way because how the hell are you supposed to interpret all these actions, but she just didn't want to get hurt.

 

If you still just don't know what you want, let her be. You'll just continue causing each other grief. I would have walked away had I been in her shoes too no matter how much I loved the guy. But if you are sure now, if you are positive she's the one and you are willing to go for it, then tell her. Tell her straight out and prove to her that you mean it. And if she says to go away even then, then well, you have no choice but to move on as well, because that shows she has definitely chosen to move on.